Relationship Milestones

[ruari-explained.livejournal.com]

I've recently started to see someone new and it got me thinking. How do you decided when to advance the relationship physically (ie kissing, oral, spending the night, sex)? Do you have a set amount of time, like 3 dates before having sex for example, or does it depend on the person?

I just feel silly thinking like "Well, on Tuesday I'll do this for the first time, and then when I see him next week, we'll go to third base. If things progress well, I'll let him stay over on the 23rd..."

Comments

[justjess.livejournal.com]

I sort of just let it flow. If I think about it too much, I over-complicate things. I tend to let those sorts of things work themselves out.

[xdreamsofdramax.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything set in stone. I just do what feels right. For me that is a lot easier than setting something in stone. If I set it in stone and I do it sooner because it feels right, it would make me feel bad about doing it "too soon" and if I don't feel comfortable doing it at the set time, I'll start to wonder what's wrong. So I just let things go and see what happens. It's worked out well for me.

[crushmesoftly.livejournal.com]

I just do whatever. If I wanted to sleep with someone right away, I did. If I didn't, I'd wait until I felt like it. I never got the whole -schedule- thing.

[br0ken_dolly]

i never set up a timeline. sometimes i try to "hold out" just because it's fun to wait, but honestly? when my current bf and i went out for the first time, we totally hit it off, and a friday night date turned into a weekend-long date, and we just celebrated one year together last weekend. soooo... i don't think the timeline thing is necessary for me personally ;)

[a-cherry-on-top.livejournal.com]

That sounds like me and my girlfriend. We were set up by mutual friends, so we talked online first. Our first phone call lasted 16 hours, which is absurd, but we stayed up talking the entire night and well into the afternoon. Our first date was (unintentionally) three days long, and we just passed our two year anniversary in October. :)

As for the OP's question, I agree. Go with what feels right. I wouldn't stress over it.

[in-this-love.livejournal.com]

HOLY 16 HOURS!!!!
WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT?
that is ridiculously cute though ;)

[a-cherry-on-top.livejournal.com]

I don't even remember! Our entire life histories, I'm sure. By the end, though, I was so sleep deprived that I was giggling about everything. We're apart right now, because she got a good job a few states away, and I'm finishing up my degree, but we talk on the phone about four hours a day. I guess we both just talk a whole lot.

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

Bless, that's really sweet. My cousin did something similar. She met this guy online, they talked online and then started talking on the phone for hours every night (she was in Jerusalem, he was in Paris). After four weeks she went to Paris to meet him. Five days after they met in person, they got engaged. Seven months later he moved to Israel and moved in with her, and a year after they'd first met, they got married. Everyone in the family was astonished, but a year and a half on from the wedding they seem very happy.

[br0ken_dolly]

congrats to you! that's fabulous. i like stories like that :)

[lindsay-lunar.livejournal.com]

haha same! i slept with my bf the same night he kissed me, and i'd only known him for a week maybe(from parties & he was roomies w.my friend) and we just had our 1 yr yesterday. awww.

[mrar.livejournal.com]

I go with the flow too. I currently live in a rather conservative area though and have tried to "hold back," but it just makes things worse anyway. I just do what feels right and things work out well.

[lucypevensie.livejournal.com]

Generally, I will do (almost) anything I have already felt comfortable with imagining in great detail.

Obviously there is a progression (I plan on regular vanilla sex prior to the tie-me-to-the-bed episode), but no particular set of times separating the points.

[asheneyed.livejournal.com]

i keep limits in mind, sensible limits depending on my personal system and beliefs and healthy relationship boundries. but if it feels right to alter those, that's ok too. it's flexible depending on the person and situation. their maturity level and stuff is a big factor.

[starzysky.livejournal.com]

Before I lost my virginity, I did set a time for when I would allow sex (1 1/2 years). I was proud of waiting that long, and I was able to tell my mother I needed birth control and not feel ashamed. Since then, I've just let relationships develop naturally. I only have criteria that I have to *know* it will be a real relationship before I will sleep with someone. Sometimes I *know* pretty quickly. And I've always been right. (Truth is, I could never really KNOW that it'd work out...but I am a decent judge of character & tend to seek out guys that are looking for committment anyway.)

So..letting a relationship happen at a natural pace makes the most sense to me. But I could completely understand someone wanting to delay sex, spending the night, living together, for a certain number of months. Those things just mean more to some people.

At some point it would just make things awkward though. I know a couple that had dated for YEARS and the girl would NOT say "I Love You." Just because she didn't want to say it until her wedding. It was BS if you ask me--she was head over heels in love with him, and he told her he loved her all the time. She always replied, "I really, really like you." It hurt him that she wouldn't say it. Finally she gave in & admitted it though.

[bluesuitcase.livejournal.com]

I agree. I'm currently with my first boyfriend/sexual partner, and he is in the same position. Although we have been together for two years, we are holding off PIV sex until I feel comfortable asking my mother for birth control [I would not want to go on it without her knowing, or have sex without HBC.] We've paced ourselves a lot more slowly than a lot of friends, I guess...we did not kiss until after a month of being 'together,' and had oral sex after 1.5 years. Although creativity can change things, we just always want to have 'something left to do' without rushing everything.

[californiarose.livejournal.com]

I never set a timeline, I go with what feels right and respect my partners boundries if I'm moving to fast for them. My current guy sort of did (but his timeline had to do with when my birth control would be effective after a round of antibiotics) so it was a timeline based on responsability. But I also have a habit of spending nights over long before sex, or even groping cause I love cuddling and the guys I have been with respect that just cause were in a bed doesn't automatically mean sex.

Interestingly enough of my relationships, the first one I waited 4 weeks, second one i waited 6 weeks, but the third one I waited 3 months, so I've found as time goes on I'm less anxious to move as fast as i did in the previous relationship.

[loonylupinlover.livejournal.com]

I didn't really decide. The guy I'm with now is pretty much my first and only in everything, and I had come from a religious background so at first I was nervous about even kissing (which was silly, considering I looooved masturbation and thinking about doing tons of sexual acts). But things just went so well with him that I kissed him first, we had makeout sessions that week, started dry humping the week after, took our shirts off the week after that, and then by a month I felt comfortable giving him handjobs/blowjobs. It only took half a week after that for me to let him try and get me off, and after that it was mutual masturbation and fingering and blowjobs and all sorts of good stuff! We said our I love yous at 2 months, which had seemed way fast to me before getting into a relationship, but felt totally right now that I was actually in one. It helped that we were at the same college and so able to spend several hours together everyday, and I had a single room so we had lots of time to explore each other physically. We never really had any dates, just hung out. By 3 months I knew I wanted to have sex with him, so I got on birth control, and 4 months into things I lost my virginity and became a certified sex fiend. :-P

Since everything was new to me, he made sure to take things slow. If he made an advance and I acted uncomfortable or unresponsive, he withdrew and would do something that I had previously OKed. We talked about things every step of the way, and about what I felt comfortable with, but I never said, "Okay, I'm going to touch your penis for the first time in two weeks." Pretty much the only thing we planned was intercourse, just because that seemed a much bigger deal to me, and also the whole definitely-not-wanting-a-baby thing. :-P

If he and I were to break up (I hope not! we're headed for 2 years in March, yay) and I were to get involved with someone else, I think probably my only criteria for intercourse would be to make sure I was in love and was mutually loved first. For other stuff, I think I would guilty if I did it on the first date, because I wouldn't be sure if it was someone I really trusted and liked. Probably a couple of weeks would go by before orgasms were involved. But I don't think I'd set up a strict schedule.

[kuni-bob.livejournal.com]

It really depends. In past relationships, I've had something of a "schedule"...but this time, sexual tension was given a LONG time to blossom before we started going out, and we both knew going in that this would last, so...yeah...we were "good" for the first night, and then everything went to the sinful side. Ha!

Jeez, I hope my mother doesn't read this.

[chaton-de-neige.livejournal.com]

Jeez, I hope my mother doesn't read this

I always think that to myself!! hehe

[ncsu-lady.livejournal.com]

again, i'll vote for the relationship.

i had a friend that told me if you were a virgin, you should hold out on sex as long as you want. However if you are both not virgins, more than a month waiting is silly. Now i'm not saying i totally go with that advice but it does make some sense.

When i lost my virginity, we had been together 3 months but I also knew we weren't going to be together much longer. i just was tired of being a virgin.

With my now husband, we lasted about a week before having sex.

[skeetz81.livejournal.com]

I just go with the flow. It also depends on the person. I was my husband's first in bed and serious girlfriend. I let him take control and decide when we do stuff.

I find it hard to plan the exact date for stuff to happen because you never know. You still may not be totally comfortable with the person in a week or two. Or you just may not feel ready to advance when you thought you would be.

Just go with the flow and your comfort level. Your body will let you know when it is ready.

[erimenthaodin.livejournal.com]

My first 2 were sometime around a year in happening (bf 2 was a virgin and shy), my third (husband ^.^) would have been first date if I'd had condoms on me. I was so incredibly attracted to him *^.^* I always remember that date and how sweet, sexy and gorgeous he was. We had been close friends before our first date which might have had something to do with the near first date sex. I would not have sex with a stranger/near stranger ever, I have to know them to even consider it. Go at your pace, no faster. Your mind and body will let you know, also be prepared with your birth control, no nookie until that's in place.

[swept-away113.livejournal.com]

Just do what feels comfortable to you. For me, it was not having sex (I was a virgin though and so was he) until about 6 months into the relationship. I wouldn't plan anything, but rather try to go with the flow :)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I don't have any set standard -- I just do what I feel is right, when I feel it's right, depending on a number of non-time related factors: how comfortable am I with the person? Is this something I would enjoy even if we ended our relationship the next day? Etcetera.

Truth be told, I had sex with my current partner the first night we ever hung out... that seems to be generally frowned upon, but it felt right to me in the situation... and since we're still together two years later, I rather think that I made a fine decision just by trusting my instincts.

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

I've never liked the concept of "holding out", it implies that the over-eager male partner (because this always seems to be an opposite-sex scenario) is pressurising the unwilling female partner, and none of that should be happening. If you feel rushed or unsure, wait until you are sure, there's no harm in playing safe. My own rules:

1) Good relationship where we're both comfortable and happy with each other, and feel ready for the level of sexual contact we're approaching. This doesn't necessarily take long to establish.
2) Some idea of each other's sexual history before climbing into bed, and nothing risky (which can include oral sex, for instance, and certainly includes penetration) until we know each other's sexual history. An STI test if need be.
3) Nothing anywhere near penetration until I'm on a reliable form of contraception. Condoms are excellent things and should be used more widely, but their success rate in preventing conception in typical use (don't quote the lab stats at me, condoms fail a lot of people and if it's a new relationship you don't know how things are going to fit together, so to speak) is 85%, far too low for contraceptive cover. However, they should certainly be used with new partners, and it doesn't hurt to keep using them since a hell of a lot of people cheat without their partner knowing.

In my case, I met my other half in April last year, on a Monday. Talked for hours in his bookshop. I wandered into his shop again on the Wednesday, we talked for an hour until closing time, went for coffee, went for dinner (by which point it was so late most restaurants were shut). On Friday we went to a book fair, talked all afternoon, ate falafel in the park, kissed all evening, and I do not know how I kept my hands off him when he spent the night. On Saturday we had non-penetrative sex, by which point we knew each other's sexual histories. (Still plenty of talking, at one point he stopped kissing me to ask, "Have you read Proust?") On Monday I rang the Family Planning Clinic (and we discussed our sexual histories in rather more detail, deciding that testing wasn't necessary), on Tuesday I had a consultation and requested an IUD, and on Friday I queuejumped and got the IUD inserted. After this we started having penetrative sex. It was unprecedently quick for both of us - thank heavens I'm in the UK not the US, I doubt any doctor there would insert an IUD ten days after I'd met the guy - but it felt absolutely right, right from the start. We're still very close and very happy. With my previous partner, I'd known her for a year or so and we'd been close friends and flirting for months, but even when we got together we didn't progress to sex for several weeks.

[onemorefool.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I don't have any schedule for things physically in a relationship. (I have held off saying "I love you" but that was more out of a fear that the guy wouldn't say it back). In fact, I lost my virginity to a guy I had know for about 3 hours, and I didn't feel bad about it then and I don't now. Of course we ended up dating for almost a year after that. I don't think I've ever waited longer than a week to have sex, sometimes it works out to a relationship, sometimes it doesn't...but I guess I don't really care. I really like sex, and as long as I'm responsible and it feels comfortable, I'll have it as often and as soon as I want.

[adina77.livejournal.com]

For me with my current boyfriend, I waited 2 weeks before having sex with him. I had a really bad relationship before him and didn't want to get hurt again and watched out for myself. Now we are almost to our year and a half mark :)

[sexxyful.livejournal.com]

I always thought that I'd never go past kissing for the first 2 weeks, at least, of a relationship, but my current boyfriend fingered me and gave me my first orgasm the day that we made our relationship official. So I think it depends on the person. I just do what I'm comfortable with doing.

[imindiaunajones.livejournal.com]

The first time that I "got together" with my current boyfriend (of 2 1/2 years), we spent the night together. Nothing happened, but we still spent the night together, sleeping together. That continued for a couple of weeks or so, on and off, then we kissed and continued playing around the line of everything short of intercourse. We waited around 3 months after that first night, and then "did the deed" so to speak. Had neither of us been virgins, we probably would have gone for it sooner, I wanted to have sex about a month and a half after we started dating.
I don't know if we'll ever split, but if we do, I wouldn't be surprised if I were to go for sex only a week or two into the relationship. I'm a very sex-driven person. :) Haha

[h0rsegurrrl.livejournal.com]

I'd definitely do what feels right. When I started going out with my current boyfriend, I thought we would go on a few dates, maybe stay together a couple months before eventually deciding that we were better off as friends. When he asked me out it took me about three weeks to finally say yes, and even then I told him that I didn't want to have a relationship where we make out and have sex all the time. We were together two weeks before we ever kissed. Two months later, I had never fallen so hard in love so quickly. I started having sex with him, despite my earlier wishes, because it felt so right. I've never regretted any relationship decisions I've made with him, and our two-year anniversary will be on the Ides of March. So much for a couple months, eh? Just do what feels right to you - if you feel like things are going great and you want to progress, go ahead. If not, you don't have to. As long as both of you are comfortable with everything that's going on, don't worry about regret or some society-created "boundaries" or "time limits."

[lolitalust.livejournal.com]

I'm all over the board; I just do whatever feels right. With my first partner (I was 15), we weren't even dating, we just liked each other, and one night the opportunity to have sex presented itself and we did it. We dated for 2.5 years after that. With the next guy, I wanted to wait for awhile and get on birth control first, both of which I did. Third guy, completely random and sucky and stupid reasons. It was maybe a couple of weeks into the relationship and I only did it because I wanted to have "random" sex with someone I had no overwhelming feelings for. That was just really dumb for me (casual/random sex works for some people, just not for me). Fourth guy (my current), it was the third time we hung out. We just felt so drawn to each other that we needed it to happen. We almost did it the second time we hung out, but we were both like, "hmm, maybe we should wait" but by the next day we just threw caution to the wind. And we've been together about a year and a half now so it wasn't a bad decision.

I think that having set rules like "three dates before having sex" just complicates things and isn't very natural or practical. I think everyone should do things when they feel it's right, whether it be on the first date, after three weeks of dating, or after six months of a stable relationship.

[imnotyourstarx.livejournal.com]

eh, i would say just go with it. the first time my boyfriend and i had sex was in the woods.(!) we were taking a walk and stopped to kiss and i thought, 'hm... i sort of want to have sex now,' so we had sex. quite unplanned.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

I think a lot depends on the person -- or more accurately, the two people -- involved. In other words, the timeframe for what felt right with my previous partner may very well be different from what's right with my next partner.

Personally, I've never chosen even to kiss anyone who I haven't known for several months. This has nothing to do with a belief that this is universally or even generally the right way to go. Rather, it has everything to do with knowing myself: I know that I'm pretty slow to trust others and need the security of an established friendship before I'm willing to make myself vulnerable. (And I do consider progressing in terms of a romantic/sexual/intimate relationship "making myself vulnerable".)

But different people have different personalities, needs, and comfort levels. How they all work together in any particular relationship is what determines, I think, what is "right" to do and when.