Is sex like an addiction?

[lunarcapricorn.livejournal.com]

Do some people really NEED sex? Like they can't function without it?

I would like to have a sex-less relationship, but I've noticed that when we go without for a while, my boyfriend gets more determined to have sex. He starts making dirty comments/jokes, grabbing me, touching me more, etc. He's not the nice man I know, he gets scary. Sometimes I really have to fight him off.

I don't understand it because I can go forever without. Do some people just NEED to have sex?

Comments

[hexeengel.livejournal.com]

Some people banter about the term "nymphomanic" (or just "nympho" for short) when they really really REALLY like sex, but nymphomania (or "Hypersexuality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nymphomania)" as it's now called) is a (debated) psyhological disorder wherein those who have it do need sex like a drug, but as with drug addiction, get to a point where it's not enjoyable (there's no more high) and need it just to feel "normal" again. (Sexual addiction (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction) is different, but related.)

I can't say if your boyfriend's a nymphomanic, of course. He may just have a very strong sex drive (I know my husband's is stronger than mine lately), but if it's that worrysome to you, try talking to him about it.

[hexeengel.livejournal.com]

Er, meaning, if he is scaring you with his advances and demands, talk to him about it. Don't necessarily bring up hypersexuality/sex addiction unless warning signs become obvious.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__recidivist/]

I want to make sure that you realise that whether or not sex addiction is real, your partner never has any right to your body. Even if he is addicted, you are under no obligation to have sex with him when you don't feel like it. You always have the right to say "no", even to your partner. And if that doesn't feel like a viable option, uou have the right to leave the relationship.

[lindsey-nichole.livejournal.com]

Some people can be addicted to sex and sexual gratification just like they can be addicted to alcohol or drugs. So, yes it is entirely possible. It can be a serious problem that requires treatment.

I think the normal need for sex varies from person to person, be it male or female.

If you are uncomfortable with the way he regards sex - it sounds like a serious talk is in order as well setting some relationship boundaries.

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

A lot of people just really really like sex, and there's nothing unusual about that, nor does it have to be an addition for people to want to have sex, or to be unhappy if they're going without it. Does your boyfriend know that you want to have a sex-less relationship? Because this sounds like something that the two of you should talk about.

[pinkgatorgirl06.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way you are- I can completly go without it. Maybe you are asexual. Try googling that, I know I had some links but I guess I didn't save them. Theres also an LJ community where you can get info, try searching for asexual. I don't care much for sex, I get nothing from it, nothing pleasing, so I've never ever seen what the hype is about.

[purple-ivy.livejournal.com]

I agree with jasminelily.

I really, really like sex and though I can go without it (because of course I can just masturbate if I really want some physical satisfaction) I'd prefer to have sex on a regular basis, especially if I'm in a relationship because I a) just like it and b) like exploring that side of the relationship. Being physically intimate is just as important for me as being emtionally intimate.

I think perhaps talking about how you feel with your boyfriend would be a good idea, if you haven't already. Like some of the other comments mentioned, it's your body and no one as any right to it if you don't want them to.

For me it'd be difficult to go from having sex to having no sex because we've have it before and I know what it's like, so it's tempting to want it, if you get what I mean. I guess it's probably a bit easier to have a sex-less relationship if you've never had sex with that person before.

[parhelion-spark.livejournal.com]

I hope you don't mind, but this intrigued me, so I asked my mate for his thoughts. Boy and I saw this matter a bit differently.. Myself tending to echo __recidivists sentiments, but a bit more harshly.. but I see the bad in everything, and from what little you've put down, theres no real way to gauge this against the relationship as a whole..

myself, I think his methods (it sounds as if he's trying to force you, nearly) are deplorable. if its simply a biological need, worseso. eh..but its the male perspective you might actually have soemthign to gain from, so relevant excerpt of his will go below..

(censored SN): well, i feel sorry for the guy. sure, his behavior isn't the best, but like she said, she knows him to be a nice guy. sex is.. well, the meaningful kind anyway, is something not just instinctual, but a need for the heart. i mean, the guy wants only her -that- much so it must be an expression of how much he loves and sees only her right? again alluding back to the stated fact that he's usually a nice guy.
(CensoredSN): maybe she can go without intimacy forever, but that makes me wonder if she really loves him as much as she thinks. cause like we know, intimacy is an even deeper form of affection and expression of love for one another. like you've said, it's as close as we can get to really melding together. i don't really understand how she can not want to express her love the same way.

Of course, boys a very idealistic sort, and tries to see the good in everything.. so try to be objective, and make sure it actually applies.. eheh. for the record though, he disagreed with the manner he acts out in quite severely.
Your post is quite brief, and it's hard to gain any real truth of the relationship from that, so don't be offended by my/our reservations.

We're far from experts in this though.. so.. just..you guys need to talk this out, and he needs to recognize that its your body, your say, and he WILL damn well respect it. You however, need to be -honest- with him. If you dont want a sexual relationship, don't let him believe one is a possibility. That isn't very fair. (which is how it sounds, from the post..if not, then void! though talking is still a good idea)

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

Your boyfriend's thoughts on this matter bring up a couple of things that I think need to be discussed. The first one that really jumps out at me is that sex isn't always about love, and you can certainly love someone very much without wanting to have sex with them. Sex isn't about proving your love to someone, it's about mutual enjoyment. If you love each other and you want to have sex, that's great. But lacking a sex drive or a desire for sex isn't about lacking love for someone - and I wouldn't want the OP to feel she needed to have sex with her partner just to prove her love for him.

Also, this statement: "i mean, the guy wants only her -that- much so it must be an expression of how much he loves and sees only her right? again alluding back to the stated fact that he's usually a nice guy."

Being a nice guy most of the time does not, under any circumstances, make it okay to scare someone into having sex with them, and the OP said her partner gets "scary". While I agree that it is very important for the OP to clearly express her desire to not have sex with her partner, she should also never, ever have to "fight him off". If he's forcing himself on her or manipulating her emotions to get her to have sex with him, he is doing a terrible thing. He is not expressing his love and desire for her, he is doing her serious harm. Confusing passion with force is a dangerous idea.

I know your boyfriend means well and is only trying to help, so please understand that I am also trying to help by pointing out a few things that may not have occurred to him when he said what he said.

To the OP - please remember that sex should be about you as much as it is about your partner, and he never has any right to demand sex of you. He doesn't need sex to live, though he may want it very much. Even if he does want it, he has no right to take it from you without your consent. If you need any help with any of this, VP is here for you.

[wife-and-mom.livejournal.com]

[emmycantbemeeko.livejournal.com]

No one NEEDS to have sex in the sense that they will die without it the way they would without food or water. But some people need sex in order to be happy and satisfied and fulfilled in life, yes.

Like others have said, nothing gives anyone else the right to demand or take sexual contact from you. If you are having to fight him off, that is not at all okay.

At the same time, sexual contact is a normal, healthy part of many relationships, and especially if it has been a part of yours in the past, your boyfriend may not be understand or have fully accepted that you are no longer interested at all. While wanting a sexless relationship isn't wrong or bad, it is not what most people assume they are getting into when they become involved with someone, and not wanting sex is as hard for highly sexed people to comprehend as wanting sex is difficult for you to understand.

For that reason it's very, very important that you make your current desires extremely clear to your boyfriend, and establish boundaries that you can both live with. If you don't do that proactively, and your boyfriend is not happy without sex, then the situation wil likely eventually blow up, and it could be very messy indeed.

From a personal perspective- I would say that I "need" sex. Not that I'd die without it, but I need it in the same way that I need emotional connections, friendships, loving familial bonds, and affectionate treatment, in order to be a content, fulfilled, happy person. Sex is an important part of my life, and I could not be happy in a relationship in which my partner did not want to have sex with me. Without regular sex I would be physically uncomfortable, mentally distracted and frustrated, and emotionally unfulfilled.

In that sense it is very much possible for someone to "need" sex. It doesn't give someone the right to force their partner into sex, but it is a legitimate need/desire for many people. Sex is, for many people, a need in the same sense as love and human contact are needs.

[scien.livejournal.com]

I second every word.

[zellie-bean.livejournal.com]

He needs a major talking to about his behavior, although frankly anyone who gets 'scary' just because you don't want to have sex is NOT someone I want around me--even as a friend--because well..it's scary! That breaks my trust in someone. No matter how nice someone is otherwise, I just couldn't deal with that and be comfortable with them--let alone comfortable enought to have sex. It sounds way too much like abusive potential and if he gets scary about that, what else is he going to get scary about down the road? People can be very two-faced like that but no matter how wonderful the nice side is, the darker side isn't always worth it.

The sexless relationship thing really needs to be talked over with him in a way that he understands. For me, that would be an end to the relationship. I have sexless relationships...I call them friendships, close friendships, etc. The defining line I see between what is and isn't a romantic relationship is the sexuality (even though at one point I considered myself asexual ;) ). Asexuality is a total valid position, but it's going to be very hard for a sexual person to understand and maybe something that isn't going to worth for them within a relationship.

From a physical standpoint, my partner says it's something like every 48-72 hours that penis pressure needs to be released and if it doesn't come from sex or masturbation, it comes from wet dreams. He describes it like a pressure valve building up during that time and it can be very uncomfortable for him. He would probably have sex 5x a day if he could.

Because of that and because it's something he enjoys and I like making him happy ;) if I'm not interested in sex, I'll do oral/manual on him....less pressure on me and he gets his pressure relieved ;)

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

As others have said, you really need to talk to him. You may find the best thing for both of you is to have a close friendship rather than a relationship. It's absolutely fine for you to not want sex, and you don't have to have it, but it's likely to mean you don't have a partner either. I can see why he keeps making moves - he won't realise that he's scaring you and he's hoping to seduce you. Unless you explain you are not comfortable with sex or sexual advances, he won't know, and will continue to do it. He's probably feeling rejected and confused and doesn't know why you're having less sex with him. You must explain how you're feeling to him.

[numbersnletters.livejournal.com]

Why do you assume it's just innocent seduction? Why do you assume he doesn't know he's scaring her? She used the words "fight him off" to describe what she's doing, and she described a switch in personality when he doesn't get what he wants. That doesn't sound innocent to me. He might very well be aware that she's uncomfortable, yet continue to be threatening to her. It's not her job to nicely explain herself if he is being dominating and coercive, and not paying attention to her signals. If she's "fighting him off", he's probably aware that something is wrong.

[numbersnletters.livejournal.com]

Being afraid of your partner is a situation that needs to be addressed immediately.

At Planned Parenthood, one of the things they asked me at my appointment (they ask everyone) is "Are you afraid in any of your relationships?" It sounds like you are afraid of him sometimes -- and it doesn't have to be all of the time for it to be a problem. Can you talk about what's going on with a trusted person? A therapist, member of the clergy, guidance counselor, or a friend?

If by "fight him off" you mean that he physically grabs you, blocks your attempts to disengage, touches you when you don't want to be touched, or is threatening to you in any way, that is abuse and you need to put a stop to it. I strongly suggest you Google "cycle of abuse" and see if that's what your relationship looks like.

The problem is not going to go away -- he will still want sex, you still won't want sex, and he will continue to be abusive and demanding when those two needs clash. It's not your job to fulfill his needs. You can't keep forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. Please get help, TODAY.

[jananaphone.livejournal.com]

If you have reason to consider your boyfriend "scary", perhaps you should talk to him and, if that doesn't help, consider ending the relationship.

[teddybear115.livejournal.com]

as several of us have said..yes some people need sex..not like they need food and water..but to feel close and intimate.

you say youd like a sex-less relationship....that makes me think you might be "asexual" or a person with no sexual desires/wants/needs at all. typically sexual people and asexual people dont do so well in relationships since either way..one of those people's needs isnt being met. no sex makes the sexual person very unhappy and sex makes teh asexual person unhappy.

if i were you ..id A) talk to boytoy B) look up asexuality (there is nothing wrong with it)

[numbersnletters.livejournal.com]

P.S. -- I would recommend talking with someone else BEFORE you talk with him.

[cthulhulicious.livejournal.com]

He is being unacceptably rude about this and you should break up with him. Nobody is entitled to be this selfish.

As for "needing" sex --

Most people sometimes have the experience of really, really wanting sex. Some people have this experience frequently. On the average, men tend to have it more frequently than women.

As long as a person isn't harming anyone by really, really wanting sex, then there's nothing at all wrong with this.

On the other hand, there's nothing at all wrong with not wanting sex.

On the other other hand, it's not fair to expect a guy to be in a sexless relationship if that's not what he wants. If you don't want sex and he does, break up with him.

Either find a partner who also doesn't want sex or don't have a partner.

On the other other other hand (which is the hand I started with in the first place), nobody is ever entitled to be a jerk because they want sex, and he has been (and I suspect thinks that he's entitled to be, and so is likely to be a jerk in the future), so you should break up with him.

Just tell him that you two don't see eye-to-eye on this and will be happier with other partners.

[laughing-dreams.livejournal.com]

i would not say i am a nymphomaniac, but i do have a higher sex drive than other people
however this is how i see it
if i'm not having at least some sort of sexual relationship (not necessarily having sex as not everyone is ready to do that or has yet done that etc) to me they're my friend if
my boyfriend is my friend with whom I am having sex

[oceanica.livejournal.com]

My girlfriend is the same as you -- she told me upfront when we started our relationship that she doesn't ever plan to have sex -- and it's something I've been able to deal with okay.

However, if your guy isn't planning to respect your feelings, I'd say you should seriously start questioning whether you two are right for each other. It could be that he's one of those people who really does need sexual intercourse in order to feel complete, or that he simply isn't willing to go without it, in which case he needs to find someone else, because you shouldn't be coerced into having sex with him just because he wants it. If you don't want it, you don't have to comply with his desires.

[thebohomama.livejournal.com]

The best thing someone else already said is this: Sex is a drug. In all other aspects besides chemically, sex is a drug. Some people can try a drug once, take it or leave it and it doesn't bother them. Others? The first tastes makes them insane. They need it, they desire it. They have to have it. People who wouldn't otherwise be violent or corrupt, liars, cheaters, stealers... become them. Sex can invoke the same qualities in people, only its less extreme.

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

While I understand what you're trying to say here, I do think it's important to note that desire for sex, even extremely strong desire (like craving a drug), does NOT make force or coercion okay. It is true that sex can make people do things they normally wouldn't sometimes, but being able to control ourselves is what makes us ethical, adult, thinking sexual people. I'm only saying this to ensure that the OP doesn't interpret your comment to mean that her partner "goes crazy" as a result of wanting sex and therefore should not be held responsible for scaring her or forcing her into sexual situations, though I'm pretty sure that's not where you were going with this comment. :)

[poonchkie.livejournal.com]

I can have a relationship without PIV sex. I can totally go without intercourse. However I would need cunninlingus, fingering, groping... something... Do you and your BF mess around, or are you 2 totally non-sexual?

[die-in-a-fire.livejournal.com]

Good question. It's the first thing I wanted to ask as soon as I read this post. Not wanting sex does not automatically make someone asexual. There could be lots of things going on here that we don't know about.

[eatmorepi.livejournal.com]

Sex is a good way to release tension, so when it's absent I think it can really throw people off. It also definitely releases endorphins and can be very relaxing. Not to mention it's very close and intimate. Many people really like to have sex (a lot) and your boyfriend sounds like one of them.

He sounds a bit selfish though, he shouldn't be acting "scary" about it. It sounds like you need to go talk about it.

Another thing - sexual addiction is a form of serious addiction that requires treatment just like alcoholism and drug addiction. If your boyfriend had a serious sexual addiction, I'm of the impression that he would be trying to find sex any way he could - meaning outside your relationship.

[eclare.livejournal.com]

sexual addiction does not just imply requiring sexual contact - it tends to include needing sex often and from lots of different partners to the point where an individual is putting their health and lives at risk by having sex with people they don't know, who's STI status they don't know, often falling in with potentially violent partners, using illegal drugs and blacking out. The sex itself isn't the danger or even the addiction, so much as the pattern of (as Dr. Drew would put it) chaos in a person's life.

[eclare.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between "needing" something and being addicted to it. A person would not fault another person for needing to eat, but a person can be addicted to food and be a compulsive over-eater. However, if you starve someone, they will become more and more desperate for food - which is why it's an effective torture technique.

Obviously sex is not needed as much as food. And some people are completely uninterested. But it is a hunger and it does increase over time.

The way I feel about it is this - just as a homosexual person shouldn't try to date a heterosexual person because they're sexually incompatable, a person who is uninterested in sexual activity shouldn't try to date someone who is. It might not be easy to find an eligible asexual person, but it's not easy to find a good partner in general.

You may decide for yourself, but if I had a partner who didn't want to have sex with me, no matter how honorable I am, I'd probably end up cheating or being miserable or both.

[eclare.livejournal.com]

ABout the scary bit, though - that's not ok. If you're ever scared of your partner, that's (in my opinion) a really good reason to walk away. In my experience, it only ever escalates.

(frozen)

[uterinelining.livejournal.com]

Your boyfriend is an abusive piece of shit.

Nobody NEEDS to have sex, either.

(frozen)

[poonchkie.livejournal.com]

Obviously, no one needs sex to go on living... it's not like air, food, water, or shelter. However, when people say they NEED sex, I think most people say it in a way where if they don't have it, then they feel their life in incomplete. Just like some people say they NEED their family and others want to have NOTHING to do with their family... It's a personal heiarchy of needs. Just like I said earlier... I may/can/will go without intercourse for long periods of time. But I sure do need some sort of sexual release whether it be kinks, touching, whatever. And I'm sure that when people don't get SOME sort of sexual release, they can be uptight, wound up, grouchy, depressed, etc.

[kuni-bob.livejournal.com]

Both my partner and I tend to get cranky if we don't "get" sex regularly. Fortunately, our sex drives are so matched up that this rarely happens.

Being in a relationship where your sex drives don't align can add a major source of stress to the relationship. It can make one partner feel neglected/unloved, and the other feel like a piece of meat/pressured. It takes major communication and work to overcome this obstacle, because the only way it's going to work is with a compromise.

I think it's best to be discussing this with your boyfriend. The two of you have to decide if you are going to be happy with both of you constantly compromising. If neither of you is willing to budge, then it may be easiest to end the relationship.

Sorry if this sounds blunt at all; I've been in your shoes, and it sucks. My advice is to keep in mind that life is short, and there really are other options out there (in spite of what it sometimes seems), so only stay if you feel you "want" to... That is all. :)

[annick-jean.livejournal.com]

While I don't condone your boyfriend scaring you and being abusive in any way, I believe he has the right to know that you want a sex-less relationship.