(no subject)

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Does anyone else have trouble getting off with a partner? I started having sex when I was 19. I'm 27 now and I haven't had a single orgasm with any partners. I feel like every man I've been with thinks my vag is a penis and a few strokes is all it takes me to get me going. I can't come through PIV sex and I'm so jealous of anyone who can. I enjoy the sensation but it's not enough. Mind you I've never been in a long-term relationship so that might affect my comfort level, since most guys I've been with are usually a one-time thing or at the most it lasts a couple of weeks. Anyway.....some times I just want to have sex for the sake of having sex, especially when the guy is super attractive, but I just can't seem to come and I don't know how to instruct them without hurting their super-senstive ego. Not to generalize, but every guy I've been with seems to need some kind of reassurance that they're "doing me right" and I don't know how to say "no, you're doing it all wrong" without being rude, especially when it comes to educating them about my vag. Any suggestions?

or do you think this is somehting I can only achieve in a long-term relationship, where we have time to get to know eachother's bodies better and trust eachother enough to be comfortable to try anything?

Thanks!

Comments

[10acgirl.livejournal.com]

All my "bad" sex seemed to come from one night stands or people I didn't know well. Once I was in a long term relationship, I felt more comfortable "correcting" the guy and they seem to take that better than someone trying to be a "stud" and assuming all vaginas react the same and that whatever he's done in the past will work.

Most of the people I know who have good sex seem to be in more committed relationships(whatever form that may be, I'm not judging). Maybe a long term FWB might be better than a one night stand?

..but i would think having sex with someone once is not enough. You don't know them or their bodies so how can you really "do it right?" I dunno..that's just my experience. Two of my best sexual partners were long term relationships.

YMMV

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

I agree and can totally relate. A couple of my girlfriends I know can get off anytime, any where, but curiously enouhg, they both lost their viriginity and learned about sex in long-long-long-term relationships when they were teens that lasted well into their 20s, but now they can get off no matter who, where or what the circumstances are.

Maybe I just need more experience?

[f13tch3r.livejournal.com]

In the few one night stands I've had, I made it clear that he didn't get off until after I did. The guys always worked hard to get it right for me. You gotta make it like a game. At least, that always worked for me.

[terryo.livejournal.com]

Bravo!

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Lol...I'm going to try this, but stupid me, I'm always afraid the guy is going to lose patience. I was with a really good looking guy last Thursday night and he was pretty good with his fingers, but he didn't have the patience to keep going or maybe I was too afraid to ask him not to stop what he was doing down there. Grrr...must be more brave in bed. Thanks!

[eveluvden.livejournal.com]

That's a good idea. I need to try that sometime.

[terryo.livejournal.com]

speaking from a guy's point of view; if you are having sex with a guy and he is bothered by your asking for something specific (or even general!) about how you would like him to play to make it more enjoyable for you, I would suggest that he isn't worth bothering with in the first place. My opinion (I tend to have lots of opinions) is that he should ask what you like BEFORE and while you are playing; asking after the fact about 'was it good for you?' is kind of late. If he doesn't ask, tell him; if he isn't asking you, I feel HE is being rude, there is no reason to not tell him; you are being a good partner if you are NOT passive about asserting what you want. This is for both of you, not just for him to stroke his ego that he is such a wonderful lover (who really isn't since he isn't asking).
Try it, you might be surprised at the positive reaction you get!

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Cool, thanks!

It's so nice to get a guy's perspective. I will defo try be more assertive and specific next time around. To his credit, he was trying, and I didn't voice my needs....I don't know why....well I can probably guess, but that's a whole other discussion.

I try, as in all areas of my life, to be diplomatic about voicing my needs......in bed, I try to make it seem sexy or resort to humor when all else fails, but somehow his needs still end up trumping mine. It's not so much about the orgasm, as I can get them solo easily, but I'd just like to have one with another person....just to see what it feels like.

[f13tch3r.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I agree with this.

[https://users.livejournal.com/pretendworld-/]

I am the exact same as you. I'm 23 and have only ever had casual sex and I know for a fact that this is not enough. I've had one orgasm and that was through an amazing one-timer giving me oral..apart from that; sex just seems like something to please a man.

I think sex would definately be more enjoyable (with a better outcome) in a long term relationship. If a guy really digs you, he'll do anything to make you cum.

[eveluvden.livejournal.com]

I have only had casual sex too. So, I definitely understand her situation. I think I need to find a long term partner so I can have better sex.

[whatsherface162.livejournal.com]

I can't get off with my husband using his penis. I have to have be able to rub on my clit while laying on my back sitting up a little. It's a bit uncomfortable for him this way. But that doesn't mean he doesn't get me off or it is any less intimate than a woman who can get off from PIV. When he uses his fingers to make me cum is best. He still plays a part in it and his finger tips can hit my g-spot just right whereas a penis seems too broad. It did take me a few years to make him realize it isn't his penis that is lacking because PIV doesn't get me off. Women are just different and it takes different ways to get us off.

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your experience. and yes....fingering my clit feels really good during PIV sex, and yes it's best when it's his fingers and not mine. I have yet to discover a g-spot. My clit seems to be the only thing that gets me going.

"It did take me a few years to make him realize it isn't his penis that is lacking because PIV doesn't get me off. Women are just different and it takes different ways to get us off. "

- Do you mind if I ask how he came to terms with this? Was he angry in the beginnning? I don't know why, but angry men scare me. Did he feel like he was less masculine?

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

MANY women find it difficult to climax via PIV sex. its not just you. :)

sometimes the problem isnt "oh, he didnt do this, or that, or the other so i didnt climax" but "there wasnt enough excitement built through foreplay so i didnt climax". and if you didnt get there through foreplay and PIV sex? AFTERplay. there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "i didnt get there, can you use your fingers?"

you are responsible to speak up if your needs arent being met. there are very few mind-readers, and generally those who seem like they are? have been with you in a long-term relationship and *know* what trips your triggers. or is just good enough at reading your body language to see what makes you quiver. :)

if you ask and he brushes you off? i'd say decline a repeat performance. there's no excuse for being a lazy lover if you're asked for something that isnt hard to do. (i'm not talking about refusing things that squick you out or you just have absolutely no desire ever to do. trying real hard to get your partner off in ways that they know works doesnt fall under that definition.)

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

i know....climaxing through PIV sex is more like the exception rather than the rule...I just wish I wasn't the rule :p

AFTERplay. there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "i didnt get there, can you use your fingers?"

- really? I was projecting...I know after I've climaxed I don't really feel like doing much rather than lying around and enjoying the stress-free feeling. So I was being considerate when I don't ask guys to continue wiht me after they got off. That makes me pathetic doens't it?

Yes, for sure, if he is not into my needs at all (well I"m going to ask first and see what response I get), but if he's rude about it...I will defo kick him to the curb.

Thanks!

[dusk-falls.livejournal.com]

I've never had casual sex, but I've had three long-term relationships and only one of my partners has ever been able to get me off; it was with manual stimulation. Even once I get to the point where I can explain to them what feels good, I've found that it's hard for them to mimic actions I enjoy.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

I can climax from PIV, but I need tons of other stimulation in order to do so. Clitoral, oral, whatever, it varies, but the orgasm is never from PIV alone.

That you're not getting off from a few minutes of PIV pounding doesn't surprise me at all! It sounds like you've identified one possible solution: ask for what you need.

Granted, I've only slept with four people, but all of them were extremely open to suggestion. It could be verbal ("please x"), physical (moving their hand somewhere), or if there's some sort of written leadup, instructions in text or whatever. You're not saying "this sucks, do x", you're saying "I really like x" or "it would be hot if x".

If you feel stifled by your partner's need for reassurance, then try prefacing the suggestion with a compliment: "that feels good, even better with x" or somesuch. Also, it may be that they're not necessarily hungry for validation, but they are simply checking in with you. If someone's so sensitive that tactful, constructive feedback is painful, well...I personally wouldn't sleep with them again. But hopefully your partners are mature enough to recognize constructive feedback for what it is: a means for both of you to have really hot sex.

Yeah, these sorts of communications can be a lot easier in a long term relationship, but being an LTR could also make them more difficult. If you have a FWB or a one night stand, it might be easier to open up because you don't necessarily have to see that person again. They mean less to you emotionally, so it's less scary? That might not be the case for you, of course.

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

"If you feel stifled by your partner's need for reassurance", Yes thank you, this is exaclty it. It's like his need for reassurance trumps my need to get what I need out of the experience. I will try using compliments and the "it would be hot if x" to see if any results come of it.

"If you have a FWB or a one night stand, it might be easier to open up because you don't necessarily have to see that person again. They mean less to you emotionally"
- good point. Why worry so much about what they think? I'm not daing them for life :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/-whatnext/]

I have a hard time asking for certain things in bed too. What I do sometimes is hush my partner and start pleasing myself: either masturbating, or moving on him in a way that stimulates some good spots for me. Obviously I can't speak for all men; but it usually drives him wild to see me turning myself on, and he'll start moving along with me, etc. That's how be learned "tricks" of my body without me having to get all uncomfortable and TELL him.

[terryo.livejournal.com]

YES! Very hot!

[six-dollar-baby.livejournal.com]

As far as long-term relationships being different...i've been with my husband for almost nine years, and while the sex is super-fun, and he does anything and everything i ask for, i've never had an orgasm from anything he does. To be fair, i've never had one with anyone else, either. The only way i can come is with a vibrator. He's always game to watch and/or assist, though.

It may not be something your body is wired for. Some people have luck with 'retraining' the body to respond in positive ways to various stimuli, but just being with someone you love for a long time may not be the magic formula.

Good luck!

[begintohope.livejournal.com]

Being in a long-term relationship certainly does help, in terms of comfort level and learning each other's bodies. BUT, I must stress, this ONLY works if both of you are willing to communicate.

I've had really successful sexual relationships because a) I loudly and proudly ask partners to change what they're doing if it's not working, or just ask directly for what I need, and b) I've been lucky enough to be with people who are great about providing the same level of feedback in return.

Frankly, if you're not willing to talk about sex, you're not going to have mindblowing sex. People aren't mindreaders, even if they're completely, head-over-heels in love.

You can practice on one-night stands, if you want. Just move their hand, or give them an instruction, or moan louder when they get something right. Don't give false feedback. Don't pretend to enjoy something you don't. Rewarding bad behavior is what creates that kind of sexually ignorant, uncaring lover in the first place.

If someone ever reacts badly to the feedback you give them, they are far too fragile and/or self-absorbed to be worthwhile as a lover. There are ways to be nice about giving suggestions ("I love it when you _____; it would be even better if you'd ______ as well") but some people are so wrapped up in their own personal mythology that even something as mild as that would hurt them. Again, those people are not worth spending your time with.

You're doing someone a favor when you teach them sexual tips and tricks. If they don't see it that way, they're not a good lover, and likely won't become one until they grow up.

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

I just can't physiologically (right term? Its fancy and I *think* it might be right) orgasm from a penis (I don't like anything else in there personally) going in and out. Nah. I've had greats ex in part because of the emotional connection I had to my partner, but the chances of me cumming from PIV alone are gonna be the same whether they're a long term partner or one night stand. Idk, you can still take time to explore each other's bodies even if it is a one night stand, although for me it's much more comfortable with a relationship partner, simply because of anxiety.

[kittyjuggalette.livejournal.com]

To avoid the hurt feelings/ego try using saying something positive about what they are doing followed by an I statement.

It felt really good the way you just rocked your hips. I think it would be really hot if you gently rubbed my clit with your palm.

You know that thing you just did, do that again and then add a little more hold time before you do it again. I would really enjoy that.

Or I orgasam so hard if after some piv

[kittyjuggalette.livejournal.com]

To avoid the hurt feelings/ego try using saying something positive about what they are doing followed by an I statement.

It felt really good the way you just rocked your hips. I think it would be really hot if you gently rubbed my clit with your palm.

You know that thing you just did, do that again and then add a little more hold time before you do it again. I would really enjoy that.

Or I orgasam so hard if after some piv you go back and rub on my clit while you finger me.

I think that most people want to please and by wording things right you could focus them on what you really like. Everybody is different and especially one night stands or even a short time hook up it is difficult to get to know your partners body. I know it is less stressful if you know something you are doing is feeling good and I am willing to try anything else.

[buttcrackderby.livejournal.com]

I am in the EXACT situation as you. I've even been engaged to a guy and I still couldn't get off. I actually couldn't tell you why. But it's so hard to say "Yeah, I didn't come at all." I've had guys get really angry at me for saying so.... I've only ever orgasmed during sex with a partner and it was actually just this past year and the situation was that my partner is one of my really good friends that had been off and on benefits with for a few years and I just felt really comfortable with him, we're always really open with each other and he's the only person I've ever gone to bed with who could actually say "I KNOW you like it when I touch you *here*" ONLY person. Shame in it is, we agreed not to hook up since then because of various circumstances.

hope that helps ?_?

[buttcrackderby.livejournal.com]

typo:

I've only ever orgasmed during sex with a partner and

should be

I've only ever orgasmed during sex with a partner ONCE and

[brytewolf.livejournal.com]

I'm 29, I've been in 3 long term relationships, and I never had an orgasm with another person in the room until this year, and (FINALLY \o/) was able to come from someone else about a month ago.

The first guy I was with, he tried so hard and could never get me off. I felt horrible, and didn't want my 2nd long term relationship to feel the same way, and so I faked it. For far too long.

My current boyfriend, I didn't want to do that again (a lot of other stuff that's not relevant to this conversation, etc) and explained what my past experiences had been like. I've never had any trouble coming when I'm by myself, but it was something to do with having someone else there, and the worry that I WOULDN'T be able to come that was blocking me. After I told him, he just held me while I fingered myself (and good lord, it took forever!! Almost 2 hours!) but I CAME. Mind blown.

We've been working on him being able to get me there, and after months of me being able to do it (faster and faster each time, until it was about the standard time for when I was by myself), last month he was able to make me come all by himself! It just took a lot of communication, me getting the guts to explain what felt good, and him experimenting with both oral and his fingers.

And two nights ago? He made me come FOUR TIMES IN A ROW.

The point of this? Don't settle. Don't feel bad about worrying about making THEM feel bad - they want you to be happy, too. The very fact that they're asking means they worry about it. Tell them, and you get yours! It sounds more like you're having trouble expressing what makes you feel good (been there!), and not so much the fear-uncomfortableness that I had to work through, so I know you can, as long as you just tell them what you're enjoying :)

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Awesome story, thank you and good for you!

"And two nights ago? He made me come FOUR TIMES IN A ROW."

My favorite part :)

Yes, I have been a settler for far too long it seems. Will work to amp up my standards for sure!

[killertatertots.livejournal.com]

i am 28 and have had several sexual partners over the last 8 years or so, and have also never been able to come with a man, either from piv sex or oral. i have had a man literally spend an hour giving me oral and i couldnt come. i came close, but i am so used to masterbating and toys i need very steady and specific movements to come and a man just cant replicate it it seems.

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

have u tried asking him to use the toy on you? I've discovered as long as they can participate, even just by watching, they're good to go ...haha :)

[raze--the-rose.livejournal.com]

Hi there. I'm 28, and became sexually active at 21, and have also never orgasmed with a partner. I've been with my current partner for almost two years and we are pretty comfortable with eachother, but I just can't orgasm with him, so you're not alone.

I don't have anything helpful to add, though.

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Awww, that's okay, thanks for sharing though. I hope some of the commenters tips were able to help you too :)

[free-lee101.livejournal.com]

I know this post is late but I am having a similar issue with my boyfriend. He tries to please me so much but it always ends up the same...with him cumming fast and me feeling unsatisfied. I have never had a vaginal orgasm, i can only seem to get off from clitoral stimulation. I told him that and he was cool with it. He started performing oral sex on me but i dont have the heart to tell him that it hurts! I dont know what he's doing down there but it is definitely not pleasurable. I usually end up faking an orgasm just so he could stop. I dont know whats wrong but the two of us just cant seem to get our act together. Someone please helpppp