I can orgasm by myself, but not with the boyfriend.

[astarlitnight.livejournal.com]

Hey guys.
I searched the archives and found nothing about this specifically, so here goes:
I have masturbated since I was 12, and have never ever had a hard time with giving myself an orgasm. I have a pretty high sex drive, and always considered myself one of the "lucky women" who wouldn't have problems having sexual pleasure in relationships. I was very eager to find that person to share my sexual pleasure with.
Well, I have found him. We've been dating for two+ years, and only lost our virginities to each other this last April. We've fooled around for almost the entirety of our relationship. We originally had planned to wait for marriage to have sex, but just decided to go for it one night (let me tell you, I'm so happy that I didn't wait til my wedding night to find out that sex isn't always what its cracked up to be...).
Anyway.
My problem is, my boyfriend absolutely cannot give me an orgasm. Its not for lack of trying; he will do absolutely anything I ask, and anything he thinks would work. He always puts my pleasure before his, and would kill to get me off. In short, he is wonderful, but I think I am broken. Sometimes I even have to avoid sex just because I don't want to have to masturbate by myself just to have an orgasm. Its terrible. I have only had an orgasm once during sex, from the help of a vibrator. I just don't know what it is.
Its getting really depressing. I'm getting sick of masturbating after we have sex, and I'm getting sick of always having to give myself one if I want one at all. I've never even come CLOSE with him. Please help us. Its doing a number on boyfriend's self esteem, and my general happiness. Thanks!

PS. I have several vibrators, but don't usually use them. I prefer the old-fashioned way.

Comments

[tyrsalvia.livejournal.com]

It is extremely rare that I come with a partner without the simultaneous aid of my own fingers. Usually I will have my partner penetrate me with a penis, dildo or fingers, and use my own fingers on my clit. This *is* how I have sex, it's not weird or somehow "less than" for me or my partners.

My suggestion is you have him fuck you from behind while you use your fingers on your clit, or similar.

If you are dead set on not using your own hands at all, it can work to have a partner use the fingers of one hand on your clit and the fingers of the other or a dildo inside you, or to use their tongue on your clit and fingers or dildo inside you. I like it when that happens, but it's a lot easier and affords more interesting positions for me to just use my own fingers.

[astarlitnight.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, part of the problem is that I can't get off at all while he fingers me/goes down on me or anything. Doing it from behind doesn't seem to work well for us, either. Sigh.

yep

[pippa026.livejournal.com]

I concur with this but would suggest missionary - I enjoy him going from behind but have never been able to get off that way.

It might work for you to masturbate yourself almost to orgasm and then have him put a finger or other item inside of you. I think that makes the guy feel like he is part of the experience rather than a sad spectator. Another thing you might try is watching each other masturbate until you get used to having an orgasm around him - then go from there.

I would suggest embarking on a search for the G-spot too. My boyfriend knows just how to stimulate mine and I have better orgasms when he works the inside and I work the outside. It keeps him feeling involved and a part of my pleasure - it is important because like you said, it can really damage a person's self esteem if he/she can't help you get off. Don't give up! Try to relax and let go. =)

[emmycantbemeeko.livejournal.com]

Many if not most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. If you are one of them, you're certainly not alone- nor are you condemned to a life of celibacy or solo orgasms. There's nothing wrong, abnormal, or unusual with stimulating yourself in other ways during sex.

Let me repeat- there's nothing weird, abnormal, or unusual about not orgasming from penetration alone. For many women, vaginal penetration does little or nothing to stimulate the clitoris- it's just how our bodies are set up. In recognition of that, stimulating the clitoris during intercourse is a really good start towards having an orgasm with a partner. Having him touch your clit, touching it yourself, trying a position where you can rub your clit on a pillow or use a vibrator on it during penetration are all good starting points. What works for you may vary from time to time and position to position, but odds are really good there's something out there that will bring you to orgasm while you're with your boy. You just haven't found it.

And please don't waste time feeling like you're strange or inadequate or somehow not doing it the "old-fashioned" way if you don't concentrate all your efforts on orgasming via penile penetration alone. Clitoral stimulation is critical to orgasm for many women. If you're not getting it from penile thrusting alone, you're just not- no point in obsessing over it or trying to will it into being. You may find, as others have, that once you've relaxed and gained more experience with your partner, and with situations of extremely drawn-out successful foreplay and clit stimulation, you can achieve orgasm from penetration alone, but it's not likely to happen when you're both nervous and frustrated about it. More of a "the less you think about it the more likely it is to happen" sort of thing.

For now I'd say go for having orgasms with him regardless of how they're achieved (vibrator, manual stimulation, whatever), and worry about refining them to achieving them in precisely the method you want once you've both taken the edge off your nerves and frustrations by a few successful goes.

And remember- in the grand scheme of things, you haven't been having penetrative sex very long at all. I've been having sex with my current partner for more than two years and we still discover new ways of touching each other and turning each other on all the time. Give it time, and try to take the focus off "We WILL achieve orgasm together, dammit!" and it's more likely to happen. Sometimes worrying about orgasm- especially knowing that you're each worrying about it- can be a huge distraction and turnoff. I had been messing around with my first boyfriend, under circumstances similar to what you describe, for more than a year before he got me off- mostly I think because I felt so bad that HE felt so bad that I hadn't orgasmed yet.

So... I know that's not probably what you wanted to hear, but there's no magic recipe for achieving orgasm. It's mostly just a matter of relaxation, experimentation, and luck. I'd say relax, expand your definition of what counts as having an orgasm together (ie- give yourself an orgasm via manual stimulation while he's inside you, before you worry about him giving you a PIV penetration-only orgasm, etc), and keep trying, while trying NOT to focus too much on the orgasm itself.

Good luck! It'll likely happen when you least expect it...

[astarlitnight.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice, but the problem isn't having a penetrative orgasm, its having one at all. No amount of manual or oral stimulation on his part has ever done much for me. I love the sex, its usually great, but its frustrating that I can't orgasm unless I'm doing all the work.

[emmycantbemeeko.livejournal.com]

but its frustrating that I can't orgasm unless I'm doing all the work.

I guess this just seems like a foreign attitude to me; if stimulating yourself during sex counts as "all the work" doesn't him stimulating you mean he's doing "all the work"? Is sex really... work? Even if it is, does it really matter how it gets divided up so long as everyone's doing their best and it results in orgasms for all?

Also if you're willing to masturbate yourself to orgasm, there's no reason you have to wait till after sex to do it. What I'm trying to say is, go for it any way that works- you adding manual stimulation yourself during sex if that's what it takes- and give it time. You haven't been sexually active, together or it sounds like apart, long at all. I know since April seems like a long time (especially if you've not been having orgasms!), but you can have sex with the same person for years, heck you can have sex with multiple people for years, and still find new things to do and try and feel. Relax, keep trying new things, and the old things over again, do whatever makes you feel good in the now, even if it's not your goal, so that you don't end up bored or resentful of trying sex, and really don't worry. I know it's annoying and frustrating- I've been there. But it does pass, and the "solution" is just plain old time, experience, and experimentation. If you're familiar with your orgasm response, and you're both willing to keep trying, you will hit on an effective method of you achieving it eventually. But remain open to the idea that possibly (really probably) the most efficient and guaranteed way of achieving orgasm is likely always going to be stimulating yourself during sex play. You will always have a better idea of what you want than anyone else, no matter how experienced, and you've got automatic feedback on your own response that no lover will ever have. So you may find that when he does finally bring you all the way to orgasm, it's not so spectacular that someone else did it that it was worth all the fuss.

For me, partnered sex is far more pleasurable than masturbation. But when it actually gets close to orgasm I usually prefer to be the one to bring myself over the edge- less chance of messing things up in the last final moments (which is itself VERY frustrating) and better control over how quickly I do or don't achieve orgasm, and also it gives my partner more of a chance to focus on other things, like thrusting or breastplay or whatever.

There's a mindset that orgasm must be tons better if a partner brings it about entirely on their own than if it's a joint effort, and in my experience that isn't always, or even usually, true. YMMV of course, but my sex life improved drastically once I realized that waiting around forever to see if this would be the one time in three that my partner found just the right spot with his tongue was not actually better than letting him focus on penetration and me focus on clit stimulation and reaching a screaming orgasm every time. So I like to point it out as an option to women. Your boy will never know your clit as well or as immediately as you do, but that doesn't mean that he can't turn you on like mad, fuck you, play with your breasts, and generally make the orgasm you have ultimately at your own hand ten times better than masturbation alone or waiting around for him to finally figure out that it needs to be just over there two more millimeters, for three more seconds, and then down one, and then NO NOT THAT HARD and damn missed it again that time...

you know?

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I'm in the absolute same position as you -- you're not alone!

I cannot, and will probably not ever be able to orgasm from partner play alone. No matter how valiant the effort in oral, manual, or penetrative sex, and no matter how diligently he takes direction and studies my likes and dislikes, it doesn't even come close for me.

Perhaps you will find a way -- however, my only advice is not to let it frustrate you. When I got together with my current partner, that aspect frustrated me so much that it made sex not enjoyable at all, since I was constantly hoping to orgasm from... anything he did.

What did we do? We picked up a finger vibe. They're excellent for partner play, because the small size and the fact it clips onto a finger means that one or the other of us can use it with minimal awkwardness or disruption during sex (be it oral, manual, or penetrative). He can slip it in next to his tongue while doing oral, and then we can trade off during penetrative sex.

My boyfriend also used to really feel bad about it... like he was failing me sexually. However, after we had a long sit-down chat about how I do enjoy having sex with him, that he is indeed a wonderful, reciprocative, and communicative partner, and that my lack of orgasms from his effort alone are not due to him, but due to an unchangeable fact of my body, he became much more confident.

After we got the finger vibes, he really got into them... now he loves them as much as I do, and doesn't feel bad at all that we usually bring them into bed with us. :) He loves trying out new things with it as well... that way he has a sense of having control himself.

So that is my advice to you. While I hope you find another way, the reality is that for some of us, partner play of any kind just doesn't work -- and accepting it can help both partners have a great time without the frustration. :)

[verypretty.livejournal.com]

Not all women orgasm during sex....my good friend has a situation pretty much identical to yours.

Do you get off in front of your boyfriend? Have you tried this? It might be helpful. Sometimes it also helps to show him how it is you want him to do it.

Have you guys tried various positions? Woman-on-top is supposed to work really well for some women; it might be worth trying if you haven't much. (I find it to be kind of a difficult position that takes more practice/effort on my part.)

It could just take awhile, too. It doesn't sound like you guys have been having sex for TONS of time (though I'm sure it seems like it :)) and since neither one of you have been with other people, it might just take some time to get the whole sex-thing worked out. Additionally, nothing "wrong" with using a vibrator or anything else if that's what gets you off! Good luck.

[starfall18.livejournal.com]

here's my deal. i can masturbate and have an orgasm within like 2 mins, but as soon as there is another person involved, no go. i've had a total of 3 orgasms while with another person, and i will tell you what--they were there, but they were all oral, and while they WERE orgasms, i didn't really like them that much. because the guys were down there forever and i would have rather not come at that point because after that much stimulation, my clit or anywhere near it couldn't be touched at all for like 2 hours. too sensitive.

and, when i have piv sex, i've never came. and you know what, i'm ok with it. i know that eventually i would like to, but i do get a lot of pleasure from piv sex, especially when i just focus on the sensations of it all, of the whole body sensations, and i'm ok with that. i enjoy that. i love piv sex even though i haven't came from it, and i've basically told him that i most likely won't get off during sex and that he shouldn't be worried about it. i've realized a lot of it is all my headspace, because the times when i think i might be close are the times i'm thinking about it least and then as soon as i think that i might, it goes away. so yeah. its' all in my head.

so, my advice---dont' worry about it so much! have fun, and it will come eventually. :)

[amyranth.livejournal.com]

Woah Nelly!

Not being able to orgasm with your boyfriend shouldn't be something that dampens your good time in the sack. My current boyfriend doesn't consistently get me off (especially if one of us is really tired), and I don't mind at all.

If you've only been "fooling around" for the last two years together, and he couldn't get you to orgasm then, why is it such a big deal that it hasn't changed with sex? Generally it doesn't, unless you're one of the lucky ones that orgasms with penetration (wish I was :P).

The absolute best thing you both can do for yourselves is calm down. Having sex (whether it's the primal fucking, or the gentle lovemaking) should still be about having fun and making each other feel good. If you stress out, he's going to feel even worse about not being able to get you off, and then he'll eventually give up. I used to be in a relationship like that, and when he gave up, I gave up too and we eventually broke up. (Extreme situation, I know)

[mmmfobbs.livejournal.com]

It may be all performance anxiety. Relax, and what happens happens. Maybe have him use the vibrator on you?

I think you're probably just too worried about making it happen. You are very new at this game, and I think with time (and with sex, time=fun in my experience) you'll get your big O with him.

[justarant.livejournal.com]

I had this problem as well. In the 8 months we had been having sex, I only orgasmed twice during sex. But just because it was twice, it didn't really make me enjoy it any less.... However, in the past month, I've found THE posistion/way to make me orgasm. I discovered it when he came back from being gone for three weeks, and I was hella excited, as you can imagine. It involved a position we had done before, but I just did it differently and had "new moves." I don't even know WHERE it came from, it was crazy.

Just want you to know that not all is lost. I was frustrated as well, but I dunno, I guess the orgasm gods decided to bless me.

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

You said you had vibrators -- have you tried having your boyfriend use one on you? This may help be a breakthrough for you, and help you associate your boyfriend with orgasms. Good luck!

[hetobeto.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to thank you for posting this question to VP. I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend, so it's really comforting to know that it's not something that's wrong with me, or wrong at all, even, but pretty common among a lot of women.

So, thanks :)

[ridyourselfofme.livejournal.com]

I generally think a lot of it has to do with performance anxiety. I was the same way with my boyfriend when we first started messing around, and it took several tries before he started being able to get me off at all, much less with any consistancy. The more comfortable I got with him, the easier it was.

My suggestion: masturbate in front of him. Show him how it's done. Not just so he can see what buttons to push, but also just so you can get over the psychological part. When I first started messing around with my boy, I'd start to worry about it because he was so determined to get me off that I eventually just couldn't. Like I could feel how badly he wanted me to cum and so my orgasm would just vanish. You may not think it's a factor, but it still could be. At first, mine couldn't get me off for anything. Not from oral, not from fingering, not from PIV, nada. But eventually we got oral to work, and now he can do it with one hand. I usually help, but it's not even always necessary.

And I mean, shoot, we've been having sex since Decemberish... didn't have my first orgasm with him until mid-January, then until like March, and he wasn't able to start getting consistent with it until just the past 2 months or so. So we've been screwing for 6 months and I didn't start to cum often until the last 2. Just have some patience.

[imnotyourstarx.livejournal.com]

i could have written this. for a long time i thought i was broken too until i just decided to let it go. i mean, its not like im not having orgasms. and its not like im not having great sex with my boyfriend. i would love to have both at the same time, but id also like a million dollars and a pony. *shrug* after i got over it, i actually started to enjoy sex more.

[josiethefiend.livejournal.com]

I find that I flat out can't have an orgasm with my boy without the vibrator. After the first six months, I got over any awkwardness I had about it and we both enjoy it greatly (my boyfriend and I). He plays with my breasts while I go to town, and it's always amazing. And the sex after I orgasm, is always SO amazing! He's so rediculously excited by then, and I want him so bad, that it's just rediculously passionate, and somehow more intimate simply because of all the lustiness.

Sometimes we do this, sometimes we just have sex. Either way, we're both pretty damn happy with it. Give and take. Really, I'm just absolutely thrilled to be having orgasms with someone after so many years of nothing.

I hope that story is useful. :)

[hopingforrain.livejournal.com]

SOmeone touching you feels different than touching yourself. It's almost like you have to learn again what you like. So keep experimenting...

Also, when you're by yourself, do you fantasize? Because if you do by yourself but not with him, you could be losing the mind-body connection.

It is okay to need a vibrator, finger touching, oral sex, etc to have an orgasm with another person. You kind of have to do what works...

[spangston.livejournal.com]

Another thing to think about is: have you always masturbated in the same way? If you have always, say, only rubbed your clitoris to get off, you may have trained your body and your mind only to get off in that way. I would suggest trying different techniques on yourself until you find the ones you like. That is, all the ones you like, not just the tried and true way of getting an orgasm. Then you can try them with your boyfriend.

Sex isn't going to feel like masturbation, basically. It's a totally different thing. It can be really annoying if you are really good at getting yourself off, only to find that sex is more complicated.

[amberdoopie.livejournal.com]

This is not surprising. After 9 years of sex, I finally had my first orgasm during sex this year - and my hand was still involved. By myself I have no problem orgasming - but my body has been trained to work that way since I was 6.

In your position, I have been taking a 2 pronged approach:

1. try various ways of masturbating to widen the stimulation requirements you need (I've done this by changing one aspect until the new way works and then changing something else). You can also practice masturbating in front of your partner to help any performance anxiety you have AND to show him the sorts of things you like. After a bit, maybe try taking turns stimulating you - you get close, then have him take over, switching off again if you lose your place. I like having my guy finger me a bit while I stimulate my clit - it makes for much better orgasms than I'd have myself.

2. incorporate your masturbation needs and techniques into sex - for instance, I need to have my legs straight and quite tense to orgasm. So I've discovered that missionary with my legs straight and between his gets me close - throw my hand in the mix for a little extra pressure on my clit (the fun part is his thrusting is what moved it, otherwise it was just extra terrian), and viola - I can orgasm during sex.

Th idea here is to keep practicing - you've have years to get good at masturbating yourslef to orgasm, right? It may seem frustrating at first but keep at it and eventually you''ll find something that works - and then keep at that and soon it'll start working pretty easily!

[leads-to-sex.livejournal.com]

I've been having sex with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I've yet to have an orgasm with him. I'm not stressing over it too much. Don't give up on the idea of it ever happening, but try to get used to enjoying sex without orgasm in case it doesn't happen. I'm still hoping for it to happen, and I have a feeling that it someday will. But stressing over it isn't going to help.

[leads-to-sex.livejournal.com]

Actually, I've been having SEX for six years, and I've never had an orgasm with anyone else.