but its frustrating that I can't orgasm unless I'm doing all the work.
I guess this just seems like a foreign attitude to me; if stimulating yourself during sex counts as "all the work" doesn't him stimulating you mean he's doing "all the work"? Is sex really... work? Even if it is, does it really matter how it gets divided up so long as everyone's doing their best and it results in orgasms for all?
Also if you're willing to masturbate yourself to orgasm, there's no reason you have to wait till after sex to do it. What I'm trying to say is, go for it any way that works- you adding manual stimulation yourself during sex if that's what it takes- and give it time. You haven't been sexually active, together or it sounds like apart, long at all. I know since April seems like a long time (especially if you've not been having orgasms!), but you can have sex with the same person for years, heck you can have sex with multiple people for years, and still find new things to do and try and feel. Relax, keep trying new things, and the old things over again, do whatever makes you feel good in the now, even if it's not your goal, so that you don't end up bored or resentful of trying sex, and really don't worry. I know it's annoying and frustrating- I've been there. But it does pass, and the "solution" is just plain old time, experience, and experimentation. If you're familiar with your orgasm response, and you're both willing to keep trying, you will hit on an effective method of you achieving it eventually. But remain open to the idea that possibly (really probably) the most efficient and guaranteed way of achieving orgasm is likely always going to be stimulating yourself during sex play. You will always have a better idea of what you want than anyone else, no matter how experienced, and you've got automatic feedback on your own response that no lover will ever have. So you may find that when he does finally bring you all the way to orgasm, it's not so spectacular that someone else did it that it was worth all the fuss.
For me, partnered sex is far more pleasurable than masturbation. But when it actually gets close to orgasm I usually prefer to be the one to bring myself over the edge- less chance of messing things up in the last final moments (which is itself VERY frustrating) and better control over how quickly I do or don't achieve orgasm, and also it gives my partner more of a chance to focus on other things, like thrusting or breastplay or whatever.
There's a mindset that orgasm must be tons better if a partner brings it about entirely on their own than if it's a joint effort, and in my experience that isn't always, or even usually, true. YMMV of course, but my sex life improved drastically once I realized that waiting around forever to see if this would be the one time in three that my partner found just the right spot with his tongue was not actually better than letting him focus on penetration and me focus on clit stimulation and reaching a screaming orgasm every time. So I like to point it out as an option to women. Your boy will never know your clit as well or as immediately as you do, but that doesn't mean that he can't turn you on like mad, fuck you, play with your breasts, and generally make the orgasm you have ultimately at your own hand ten times better than masturbation alone or waiting around for him to finally figure out that it needs to be just over there two more millimeters, for three more seconds, and then down one, and then NO NOT THAT HARD and damn missed it again that time...
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Date: 2006-07-18 01:38 am (UTC)I guess this just seems like a foreign attitude to me; if stimulating yourself during sex counts as "all the work" doesn't him stimulating you mean he's doing "all the work"? Is sex really... work? Even if it is, does it really matter how it gets divided up so long as everyone's doing their best and it results in orgasms for all?
Also if you're willing to masturbate yourself to orgasm, there's no reason you have to wait till after sex to do it. What I'm trying to say is, go for it any way that works- you adding manual stimulation yourself during sex if that's what it takes- and give it time. You haven't been sexually active, together or it sounds like apart, long at all. I know since April seems like a long time (especially if you've not been having orgasms!), but you can have sex with the same person for years, heck you can have sex with multiple people for years, and still find new things to do and try and feel. Relax, keep trying new things, and the old things over again, do whatever makes you feel good in the now, even if it's not your goal, so that you don't end up bored or resentful of trying sex, and really don't worry. I know it's annoying and frustrating- I've been there. But it does pass, and the "solution" is just plain old time, experience, and experimentation. If you're familiar with your orgasm response, and you're both willing to keep trying, you will hit on an effective method of you achieving it eventually. But remain open to the idea that possibly (really probably) the most efficient and guaranteed way of achieving orgasm is likely always going to be stimulating yourself during sex play. You will always have a better idea of what you want than anyone else, no matter how experienced, and you've got automatic feedback on your own response that no lover will ever have. So you may find that when he does finally bring you all the way to orgasm, it's not so spectacular that someone else did it that it was worth all the fuss.
For me, partnered sex is far more pleasurable than masturbation. But when it actually gets close to orgasm I usually prefer to be the one to bring myself over the edge- less chance of messing things up in the last final moments (which is itself VERY frustrating) and better control over how quickly I do or don't achieve orgasm, and also it gives my partner more of a chance to focus on other things, like thrusting or breastplay or whatever.
There's a mindset that orgasm must be tons better if a partner brings it about entirely on their own than if it's a joint effort, and in my experience that isn't always, or even usually, true. YMMV of course, but my sex life improved drastically once I realized that waiting around forever to see if this would be the one time in three that my partner found just the right spot with his tongue was not actually better than letting him focus on penetration and me focus on clit stimulation and reaching a screaming orgasm every time. So I like to point it out as an option to women. Your boy will never know your clit as well or as immediately as you do, but that doesn't mean that he can't turn you on like mad, fuck you, play with your breasts, and generally make the orgasm you have ultimately at your own hand ten times better than masturbation alone or waiting around for him to finally figure out that it needs to be just over there two more millimeters, for three more seconds, and then down one, and then NO NOT THAT HARD and damn missed it again that time...
you know?