bad experience

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Hi all, I had a really bad sexual experience last night, the kind of thing where I felt happy this morning until I remembered what had happened and it all came crashing down. I just wanted to be able to talk about it and ask what I should do next.

There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.

I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.

If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.

Comments

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

It's harder to convince myself that it's not my fault than I thought it would be. I just feel like I should've been stronger, like I should've been able to say no firmly and walk out the door. I don't know why I didn't.

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you didn't assert yourself clearly because you were falling-down drunk, confused, and scared.

It's easy to imagine how we will respond to a given situation when we've never been in it before. But you're not a bad, weak, worthless person because you couldn't defend yourself from an assault while you were drunk and ill.

[archangelbeth]

*offers lots and lots of hugs*

Why don't you want to get him in trouble? Anyone who says "I'm kind of bored" when someone is crying hysterically is a jerk. Anyone who doesn't say, "Okay, let's get you home" when you want to is... a jerk.

I mean, not getting you more drama is one thing, and is definitely the most important part because you should be taking care of you right now, but it sounds like this person is someone who deserves to have a bad name. Further, it sounds like you didn't consent freely. You "consented" because you didn't think he'd let you go till you had sex. That's not free, willing, enthusiastic consent. That's doing what you had to, to get out of a situation. And therefore... Does your campus have an assault hotline? Because at a very minimum, he sounds like the kind of guy who follows predator theory tactics; he implied he was going to some other place, and he didn't. He took you to a place where you were alone and vulnerable, and started making out. You became upset and clearly non-interested in sex; you asked to go home. He didn't take you home or call a ride for you. He didn't tuck you in bed and let you get some sleep. He didn't say anything like, "It's okay, it's okay." He said he was BORED. Dear stars, what kind of jerk says that when someone is crying and asking to go home? Hysterical crying is boring? And then he didn't question that you were "willing" to have sex with him?

I'm furious at him. O:(

For avoiding him... I don't know. The olden "cut direct" is about all I can think of. To see him and then look past him as if he were something green stuck between someone's teeth that you are coldly "not noticing." Or as if he were simply beneath your regard. Because he's a jerk and he is totally undeserving of your respect, or the respect of any other decent people. Maybe if he threw himself at your feet, groveling for forgiveness, he might have some prayer of becoming a human being again. Right now, he's down there with pond scum, and at least pond scum doesn't manipulate people into unwilling sexual situations.

*offers you lots of hugs*

[bizwac.livejournal.com]

I agree.
You were coerced to consent. And you were very drunk which takes away your ability to consent. You are right. He should have seen that you were in absolutely no state to consent to sex. But he took advantage of you.

And OP, please don't think you are any kind of slut or bad person for letting this happen. He is at fault here for taking advantage of you.

Echoing everyone else: Get some form of counseling.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

You're right, he is a jerk. I really trust everyone in my program, and I know from experience that 99% of them are great, kind, wonderful people, so it was hard for me to believe that he would be so different - this is a place where people spend all their time talking and writing about feminist analysis, ethics, liberal politics, etc., so I just assumed we were above this kind of behavior.

I guess it's not so much that I don't want to get him in trouble as that I REALLY don't want to get into a he-said-she-said thing, where it looks like I'm making up my feelings of being assaulted to "get out of" a sexual experience I regretted. He might claim that since he went down on me, asked if I liked what he was doing and I said "yes," and I orgasmed, that it couldn't be non consensual. I do think it was a really gray area. I just don't want to have to argue with him or anyone else about it, I want to be able to move on.

But I do remember that at one point when I was crying, I stumbled up and found my purse in the dark and tried to put it on my arm and leave... I wasn't too steady on my feet at that point. He stopped me and guided me back to the bed, and eventually took the purse away from me again. I definitely feel like that was a point where he should have let me go.

[archangelbeth]

That was the point where he should have called a ride for you, if he had been a decent person.

It is possible that if you talked to other people he's flirted with, you will hear similar stories; the predator theory is that people like this do this deliberately, and will repeat the offense. So... don't feel you always have to remain silent, even if you choose to be silent now. (Or that you will have to speak out later, if you don't feel it will help.) But, well, your first priority is taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Later is for later.

Yes, a predator will probably claim it was all consenting. But he's a lying liar who lies, and even if he's lying to himself as well, he's still not allowed to define your reality of this. Please don't internalize the "story" that he'd like to tell; it's one way that predators silence people, by confusing the person they've wronged into thinking "well, it wasn't really wrong."

*hugs so much*

[punkelf.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure how to help you on this either, but he was def. in the wrong. In Texas, you can't legally give consent if one or both of you are drunk. You might want to check your local laws. This sounds like date rape for sure. I know you just want it to go away, but you might consider making a report at least. Chances are, you aren't the only girl he will do this to. Giving him a record or taking him to court is def. what he deserves.

Other than that, I would recommend that you seek out some sort of counseling, or perhaps a support group. Your university probably has something for free, and they can help you cope with this much better than I can.

This was not your fault!

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I agree that the OP could report this if she wanted to. But OP, remember that its not your job to make sure he gets what "he deserves." You can report him if you want...but you have no obligation, moral or otherwise, to do so. Do what feels right to you.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I wish people would remember that it's the predators/rapists who have the responsibility to stop themselves committing assaults, it's not up to anybody else.

[tehfanglyfish.livejournal.com]

First, *hugs*

Second, what happened last night was not your fault. The guy took you to his apartment after initially saying you were going somewhere else and then took advantage of the situation. If anyone should feel like shit, it's him.

You might also try the national sexual assault online hotline, just because there are people available to chat 24/7.
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please don't blame yourself for this.

[sabishii-kirito.livejournal.com]

I'm not trying to label what happened, but in many states (as far as I know--someone can correct me if I'm wrong) consent can not legally be given if one is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And it sounds like you were way past the point were "under the influence" would be called into question. I'm not sure where you live, but it might be worth looking into if you decide to report it.

As everyone else has said, this is not your fault in anyway. He took complete advantage of you, and I'm really sorry for that :( I hope that you can find someone to talk to--anyone that you can trust--because you shouldn't be beating yourself up about this at all. *hug*

[jeunelis.livejournal.com]

I have nothing else to add, but I just wanted to say that you are not a dumb slut and I am so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve this.

Please please talk to someone and rainn.org has lots of resources and people who won't judge you.

*hugs and hugs and lots of love*

A Note/Reminder for Commenters

[jocelina.livejournal.com]

OP, thanks again for trusting us enough to share your story. We hope that the comments you receive will be supportive and healing.

This is just a quick note to remind readers that VP has some guidelines (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#Things_to_Consider_when_Responding_to_Posts_about_Sexual_Assault) for responding to posts about potential sexual abuse or assault.

VP is fabulous because of its members. We appreciate your sensitivity and understanding when responding here. :)

If you have questions or concerns, feel free to get in touch.

Jocey
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

As others have said, he may have waited for you to say "ok." But as you said, that was not consent, because you were not in a state of mind where you could consent. Consent means uncoerced, which you were not. He should have taken you where you wanted to go from the very start. He did about a million things wrong in this scenario. You did zero things wrong - you got a ride from an acquaintance. He took you somewhere you did not expect and did not want to be. You clearly told him what you wanted. He ignored you, and continued to not take you where you wanted to be. So you did what you felt like you needed to do in order to get home. There's nothing wrong with that. A part of you was saying "I need to not be here right now," and with very good reason. No part of this sounds dumb to me, or slutty.

This was not your fault.

[trishy-h.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry this happened. This was definitely not your fault. I would never in a million years use the words 'dumb slut' to refer to your behaviour (I don't think I'd use the phrase ever, but that's another story). You explicitly stated what you wanted and you were ignored. I also understand your desire not to get him in trouble and 'create drama', we're often taught as women that we should not cause a fuss or create drama for other people. That's not true. If you want to do something more about this, you can. If you don't, you don't. There's no right way.

I just wanted you to know that you are not in the wrong, what happened to you is not your fault and I'm sorry.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Oh that's horrible. You're not dumb, you're not a slut, but I do think you were targeted by one of the worst sorts of sexual predator. These 'nice normal guys' deliberately cultivate an image of respectability and charm, they manipulate, and they strike over and over again knowing that their victims will blame themselves. Everything he did was perfectly calculated to make you believe you had no other choice, and I can guarantee he knows it's wrong but doesn't care. Anyone who can ignore a hysterical, sad, vomiting and visibly distressed person is cruel and disgusting. To go on to have sex with someone in that state, someone their behaviour has forced into a corner, is abhorrent and callous in the extreme. You did not deserve this, nobody does.
Like the others have suggested talking it over with an online counsellor from RAINN or somewhere similar can help clarify that you are not at fault and maybe resolve any feelings of shame or guilt. I hope you feel better soon.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Just to add that my thoughts will be with you, and I'm sure I'm not the only VPer who wishes they could be at your side to help you through this.

I think it's best to make sure you actively avoid this person on campus and in class if at all possible. Maybe tell lecturers/group leaders that you would prefer not to be paired with him or in a group with him in class. They should respect that. I'm worried that any dialogue at all will give him a chance to reframe this as a fling, or one night stand, as this is very common. I'd hate to see any internal resolution you come to undermined by those tactics that are specifically designed to induce self-doubt.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

It shouldn't be too much of a problem - all we have left is graduation, and besides that, social events among people in our program, but he and I don't really have the same friends in the program, so we shouldn't really come into contact. At most, we'll be in the same large room together while people are mingling. Unless he specifically comes up to me to talk, he should be easy to avoid. I imagine he might be avoiding me too.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

When you're feeling a bit more settled, there's an interesting article at Feministe that basically investigates the sort of thing that happened to you, and how scarily common it is.

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/03/25/predator-theory/

[leeshers.livejournal.com]

oh HUGS!

If you do not care to take legal action, some schools also have internal scantions for behavior that is unbefitting a person of that school. I agree that whatever action you choose to take is perfectly ok, it is your choice. I just thought I would let you know.

[meximanian.livejournal.com]

This is a really shitty situation. This guy obviously has no respect for you or probably any other woman. He saw you were vulnerable and swooped in like a vulture.

Then when you were throwing up, sobbing, asking to go home he still coerced you into having sex. I know how you feel won't stop just by us saying it wasn't your fault, but it truly was not your fault. This guy sounds like a predator.

As for how to avoid him...how big is your program? Is it small where everyone is expected to be friends? Will you have to interact with him in the future?

If it's big enough to avoid I would send him an email telling him that you were sick, crying, asking to go home and he still thought it was ok to have sex so therefore you would like no more contact with him.

If there is a possibility that you will have to interact with him I would find a dean/advisor in your program that you could talk to make sure there is no contact in the future. This of course may start an investigation which could "accidentally" be made public so if you do decide to tell a Dean I would also see if your campus has a women's right org/women's health center to go talk to (soon if possible) before talking to admin so you know what your rights are in this situation.

Finally, I hate that I even have to add this but it is likely that if you do confront him he will try to retaliate by spreading rumors etc. and I don't say this to make you fearful but rather to make you aware that this is often how guys like that react (b/c nothing is ever their fault). And it is something you should take into consideration b/c making this public could lead to lots of other issues.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

The school definitely does have very good resources, and perhaps I'll use some of them.

It's a big program and we're about to graduate, so he shouldn't be too hard to avoid. I don't want to contact him, though, not even in writing.

Because this is a graduate program that's heavily invested in feminist and liberal politics, I feel like if this ever did go public, people would be pretty supportive of me, especially since they know I'm not the type to promote needless drama, but it's something I'd really rather avoid.

[meximanian.livejournal.com]

Oh I had assumed your program had just started, so then avoiding him will probably be a lot easier.

Good luck w/this, I'm really sorry that it happened.

[whatwe-know.livejournal.com]

Oh damn. Please take this humongous e-hug! I wish there was more I could offer!

You are not a slut. This was not your fault. This person manipulated you and took advantage of you. What he did was clearly wrong, first in taking you to his place instead of one where people were gathering, second in initiating kissing which indicates his intentions, third in ignoring your obvious drunkenness/distress/explicit desire to go home, fourth in prolonging the agony to manipulate you into your ersatz consent. What he did was awful.

Is there anyone you can talk to that's outside of the program? What about campus or local or national resources provided for survivors of sexual violence/abuse?

I'm so so so sorry you had to endure that. I hope you heal quickly! Many people encourage survivors of sexual manipulation, whatever the circumstances, to do something to reclaim their bodies/minds in a positive manner. Is there anything you could treat yourself to?

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

I talked to my roommate, which was really helpful. I'd like to talk to a counselor, but since all my final projects are almost due, I feel like I won't really have time until later in the week. I mean, yes, if I wrote my professors and asked for an extension because I needed to seek counseling for an incident, they would *definitely* grant one - they would probably let me have more time even without a reason. But I don't really want to do that. I think it would make me feel best now to get through a lot of work and feel capable in that regard.

As for my body, it's kind of sad, because I was planning to see someone I've been casually dating (non-monogamously) after I finished my finals, and I was really looking forward to it. Now I feel kind of weird at the idea of having sex. I don't know if going to the gym and working out exhaustively and then taking a really hot shower will help, or if I'm just going to need time.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

But I don't really want to do that. I think it would make me feel best now to get through a lot of work and feel capable in that regard.

You can have both options if you give your professors a heads-up that you may need an extension and ask for one just in case. If it turns out you're able to dive into work and get the degree wrapped up and get that blast of endorphins (managing your own brain chemistry is important!), then you won't have needed the extension, but better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, you know? Emotional states can be very labile after the kind of experience you've had, so if you find yourself needing to take advantage of an extension, asking for one will be one less thing you'll have to do.

[starzki.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

You need to take care of yourself now. Others have shared some really great links and resources to talk to when you're ready. Do what you can so that you feel better. Don't even worry about getting him in trouble. You are not responsible for taking care of him, especially after he disrespected you, your feelings, and your body last night.

So if you get to a point where you want to talk to people about what happened, don't worry about getting him into trouble. You need to do what's best for you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/urban_faerie_/]

I think everyone else here has given very good advice. First, I am so very sorry that this happened to you. You did not do anything wrong. This guy was in your graduate program, you had been friendly before, you didn't have any reason to think, "Gee, this guy is going to assault me tonight", which is why you trusted him and took it at face value when he said you were going to another party. How could you have known? This is not at all your fault.

As others have said, he misled you into going back to his apartment and you were clearly not in the shape to consent as you were crying and throwing up. I can't understand WHAT goes through the mind of somebody who would do such a thing to another person, but clearly he is the one with the distorted point of view, not you.

I echo everything others have said about getting counseling and taking care of yourself first. As for avoiding him, if you have at least one person in your program whom you trust as a confidante it might be helpful to tell them, that way they can behave as a social buffer between the two of you, making sure you can avoid each other in social events and helping you make an excuse to leave if you feel really uncomfortable around him. Sometimes it helps to have one person on your side.

It just makes me so angry that you have to avoid him at all. He is the one who has done something wrong, he is the one who should feel ashamed of his actions.

Take care.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I did talk to my roommate about this last night, and there's one other woman I really trust who I might confide in. That's a really good suggestion, to ask them to keep an eye on me in social settings. All we officially have left is graduation and the reception lunch, so unless he specifically comes up to talk to me, he should be pretty easy to avoid. If I have these friends who know I'm worried, they can help head off the possibility without having to contact him directly.

[melisjesus.livejournal.com]

*BIG HUGS* I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.

This was NOT YOUR FAULT. You are NOT a slut or sub-human or immoral or stupid. He took advantage of you.

I completely agree with archangelbeth's "cut direct" approach of ignoring him. Though even less something you're ignoring, but something you don't even see - like a smudge on the painted wall.
I also agree with the others who've suggested seeing a counselor. It would probably be very beneficial with helping you get your thoughts out and cope.

[jenn-girl.livejournal.com]

I have used that technique, although I didn't know that was what I was doing at the time when I couldn't avoid the guy who date raped me and had chosen not to report, or pursue anything. I would look past him, or totally flatten my expression whenever I saw him. It helps.

[edge-ofthe-sea.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Something very similar happened to me (wouldn't leave me alone/stop touching me, too drunk to make it home myself, etc) and I want to echo - this is no one's fault except HIS. He is the one who took you to his place when you assumed you were going to someone else's place, he is the one who didn't care that you were crying, he is the one who didn't take you home as soon as you asked to go home, he is the one who saw you so drunk that you were throwing up and didn't go, "Hmmm...pretty sure this 'consent' is forced/sex is not what she wants/wow, she can't even legally consent at this point." He was manipulative, he is a horrible person, and he is the one who should be ashamed of his actions.

For me, I had to come to realize that my "giving in" was instinctive and an attempt at protecting myself/getting myself out of a bad situation and I can't really be mad at myself or make myself feel bad for trying to keep myself as safe as possible, given the situation I was in.

Therapy was helpful for dealing with the feelings of guilt and shame that came after. Most colleges have a free counseling center...and while they often say there's a limit (for instance, at my college it's 5 per semester), the counselors can waive that limit for more serious matters.

Take care of yourself. That is going to be even more important than normal right now.

[jocelina.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely right -- a normal, decent person would indeed realize that someone crying, asking to go home, and being intoxicated enough to throw up is not someone who is in a state to offer meaningful consent. Moreover, the fact that you felt that you had to sleep with him in order for him to help you get out of his apartment sets off major warning bells for me -- he may not have said so directly, but clearly he was behaving in a way that made you feel that way, and that was also very wrong of him, as were all of his other actions (taking you somewhere you hadn't agreed to go, responding callously to you being upset and sick, and initiating sex even though you were clearly not in a state to offer meaningful consent).

As others have said, consent is generally only considered valid when it's given by someone who is not intoxicated. How you choose to apply that to your situation is totally up to you, but do know that you definitely do not have to consider what he did okay because of what you said.

I've had something similar happen, which left me feeling pretty bad, too. I was drunk and in a guy's apartment and felt like I had to sleep with him. I was too drunk to go home (I had a car there, but I was in no condition to drive it), and he was all, "Just sleep here, there won't be any cabs this late." I also technically consented, and he wasn't physically barring me from leaving or physically forcing me to have sex, but I didn't want to. For me (and for many people, I imagine) being that drunk (drunk enough to throw up, I mean) leaves me feeling/acting pretty powerless. Sober, I probably would have pushed him off of me and left his apartment, but being drunk I feel like I let him sort of guide me into doing what he wanted to do, and I don't think that he cared much (or at all) about what I might have wanted. I felt pretty bad afterward, too.

For me, it helped to remember that I hadn't done anything wrong -- I'd trusted that another person was a good person, and he wasn't. It wasn't my fault, just as this is not in any way, shape, or form your fault. If this guy had behaved like a decent human being, nothing bad would have happened. He would have called you a cab, or let you crash on his couch, and you wouldn't be feeling the way you are.

I didn't talk to anyone about what happened, but looking back I think that that might have been helpful. If you have campus or other resources (like RAINN) that you feel comfortable drawing on, I would encourage you to give them a try if you feel it might be helpful. Sometimes just talking over your feelings with someone friendly and sympathetic can help.

As far as avoiding him, I saw in the comments that you're almost done with your program, so hopefully it won't be too difficult. Do you have one or two close friends in the same program you could ask to help you out? You wouldn't have to tell them what happened, just that you don't want to be alone with or even really talk to this guy, and ask them if they could try to stick with you in any social/academic situations where he's present, so that you're not stuck talking to him on your own.

This comment is getting super-long, so I'm going to stop now, but I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I hope that you feel better.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

I didn't remember it until this morning, but I definitely got up as I was crying, picked up my purse and tried to leave. I wasn't too steady on my feet, obviously. He stopped me and steered me back to the bed, where I hugged my purse for a while, until he took it away from me. So I think that's where I got the sense that he either wouldn't let me or wouldn't help me leave until I slept with him; I don't think it was just my imagination.

I do want to seek counseling, but that's going to have to wait until I finish my final projects.

[jocelina.livejournal.com]

Definitely not your imagination -- he may not have outright said that you had to do what he wanted before he would let you leave, but I think his actions said it just as clearly as words would have. No wonder you felt that you couldn't go. God, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can't emphasize enough that what he did was 100% wrong, and that he is the only one at fault here.

And as far as counseling, definitely seek it out in your own time. It's not something you have to do right away (or ever, if you don't want to). The resources are there, and you can use them whenever the time is right.

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

Actually, he did literally assault you. You were clearly displaying signs of extreme intoxication and discomfort, and you only "consented" under duress. An ethical person would not have had sex with you under those circumstances. What he did was wrong. What you did was try to safely get out of a situation you never should have been put into in the first place. That doesn't make you stupid or bad or worthless.

I don't know much about your grad program, so I can't tell you how to avoid him. It's fine to just put it out of your mind for now, but you will probably find yourself needing to process it at a later date. If and when that happens, you could call a rape crisis hotline and talk to a trained counselor. Whether or not you could theoretically build a legal case against this guy, you did NOT experience this as consensual, and that means you may benefit from a rape crisis counselor's perspective. *hug*

[brightcrayon87.livejournal.com]

There's already been a lot of helpful comments and I agree with the suggestions you've been given, but I wanted to comment anyway and offer my support. You are certainly not a slut, or stupid, and I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sending you strength (although it doesn't sound as though you lack strength!). :)

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

You could not consent, and he knew it, and he took advantage of that. This is NOT your fault.

- He took you to his place when he was supposed to take you elsewhere.

- You were obviously drunk.

- You could not get home yourself safely.

- He treated you terribly! "I'm kind of bored" is a horrible thing to say to someone who is crying and sick! This is NOT a nice person.

- He made you feel that you could not leave until you slept with him. You felt that way for a reason, and he set it up that way. He ignored your repeated requests to go home, your tears, and your feelings. He ignored *you*.

I understand that you don't want anyone to know and you should do whatever you need to do in terms of reporting him, not reporting him, or whatever. But in terms of what this guy deserves? Oh, he deserves to be very, very ashamed of himself. He deserves to have women turn the other way when he approaches them for dates. He deserves to get in trouble. He did something very, very wrong. Note that I am really not suggesting that you should report him just because he deserves to get in trouble - that is really completely up to you, and going through the reporting process is something not everyone wants and I totally understand that. I'm only saying that blame should be placed with him, and only him, and he is the bad guy here.

You, however, did not do anything wrong. All you did was trust someone to get you someplace safely. He did not get you there safely. You also trusted him to listen to your words, and he didn't, to be a decent human being and take a hint from your emotional state - and he didn't. You then did what you felt you needed to do - and probably, what you actually needed to do - to get out of there. You slept with him so he'd get you home. He coerced you, forced you into it by removing your exits, by ignoring your inability to get out yourself. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. You really, really didn't do anything wrong.

I am so sorry this happened, and that someone treated you so badly. This is not your fault.

[spiralgirl1.livejournal.com]

*hug*
That's really awful, and I'm very sorry you had that experience. I've been there too, and I didn't have the support of a community like VP. You're a very strong woman, (and I'm sure a lot of other positive adjectives too!), and you have the control as to what happens now. Your body, your mind, your rules. Do what's best for you, not what other people think you should do.

Take your time healing, and know that you've got support!

[x-harlequin-x.livejournal.com]

Without responding to the specifics of your situation, which others ahead of me have done very very well, I'll add my own bit about recovering from a rapey messed up situation.

This happened to me, too. You did what you had to to survive the situation, which in your case was not to hit and kick and yell, but to shut down and get through it. That's what I did, too, and it doesn't make it any less rape. Here's what helped me:

Naming it. Calling it Rape, even though there are people who will argue that because there was no gun or knife, that because you didn't scream loud enough to wake the building, that because you had allowed some sexual touching that it's something else. It's not.

Talking about it. Or talking about how you feel about it, without recounting the whole story again. Find someone you can trust, and tell them as much as you can, as often as you need to. Is there a women's resource group on your campus? They might have a counselor, or a group, you can talk to. Or there's VP. Or there's survivor groups on LJ (sorry, I don't have links, but I know they're there.) Or hell, there's me. I keep odd hours (usually up until 2-3am west coast time) sixinchheels @ gmail.com - you can email me, or use googlechat if you've got it. I've got other messengers too, but I don't usually keep them running. If you send an email I can start up AIM or yahoo or msn. I know I'm a stranger and it's tough to reach out to people you don't know, but I'll do whatever I can. Really.

Time. It's normal to be fucked up over this for a while. Possibly a long while. it's fresh and raw right now, but you will get back to yourself and be okay. Really.

x0x0x0

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the kind words, and the generous offer.

I don't feel comfortable calling this rape. I feel like doing so would make the word too nebulous, and take away from what it means in terms of forcible sex. I would call it sexual assault, immoral, coercion, taking advantage, etc.

I am going to see a counselor through my campus mental health center - I don't really want to talk to a group, I just want to talk to one person at a time. I can't make an appointment until Monday, though. I might call a hotline tomorrow if it feels urgent.

Again, thanks for the support.

[make-me-stay.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to add my support to you and my best wishes and thoughts. I'm sorry that something like this happened to you, and I hope that you do know that it was never your fault.

I think you've got some pretty solid advice here, but I hope you are being good to yourself, and have surrounded yourself with good positive people; *hugs* (if you would like them).

[tobiahawk.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry that happened to you! I just wanted to echo what others have said about this in NO way being you fault, you in NO way being a "dumb slut," and that alcohol impairs/removes one's ability to consent to sexual activity, both pratically and--in most states--legally.

*hugs again*