Without responding to the specifics of your situation, which others ahead of me have done very very well, I'll add my own bit about recovering from a rapey messed up situation.
This happened to me, too. You did what you had to to survive the situation, which in your case was not to hit and kick and yell, but to shut down and get through it. That's what I did, too, and it doesn't make it any less rape. Here's what helped me:
Naming it. Calling it Rape, even though there are people who will argue that because there was no gun or knife, that because you didn't scream loud enough to wake the building, that because you had allowed some sexual touching that it's something else. It's not.
Talking about it. Or talking about how you feel about it, without recounting the whole story again. Find someone you can trust, and tell them as much as you can, as often as you need to. Is there a women's resource group on your campus? They might have a counselor, or a group, you can talk to. Or there's VP. Or there's survivor groups on LJ (sorry, I don't have links, but I know they're there.) Or hell, there's me. I keep odd hours (usually up until 2-3am west coast time) sixinchheels @ gmail.com - you can email me, or use googlechat if you've got it. I've got other messengers too, but I don't usually keep them running. If you send an email I can start up AIM or yahoo or msn. I know I'm a stranger and it's tough to reach out to people you don't know, but I'll do whatever I can. Really.
Time. It's normal to be fucked up over this for a while. Possibly a long while. it's fresh and raw right now, but you will get back to yourself and be okay. Really.
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Date: 2010-05-29 08:45 pm (UTC)This happened to me, too. You did what you had to to survive the situation, which in your case was not to hit and kick and yell, but to shut down and get through it. That's what I did, too, and it doesn't make it any less rape. Here's what helped me:
Naming it. Calling it Rape, even though there are people who will argue that because there was no gun or knife, that because you didn't scream loud enough to wake the building, that because you had allowed some sexual touching that it's something else. It's not.
Talking about it. Or talking about how you feel about it, without recounting the whole story again. Find someone you can trust, and tell them as much as you can, as often as you need to. Is there a women's resource group on your campus? They might have a counselor, or a group, you can talk to. Or there's VP. Or there's survivor groups on LJ (sorry, I don't have links, but I know they're there.) Or hell, there's me. I keep odd hours (usually up until 2-3am west coast time) sixinchheels @ gmail.com - you can email me, or use googlechat if you've got it. I've got other messengers too, but I don't usually keep them running. If you send an email I can start up AIM or yahoo or msn. I know I'm a stranger and it's tough to reach out to people you don't know, but I'll do whatever I can. Really.
Time. It's normal to be fucked up over this for a while. Possibly a long while. it's fresh and raw right now, but you will get back to yourself and be okay. Really.
x0x0x0