Libido Loss

[http://users.livejournal.com/__mandymoo/]

Hey all, I'm a 19 year old female with libido trouble. I'm rarely in the mood, and when I do have sex I have trouble staying wet down there. It's very frustrating and upsetting. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 months now, (I've known him for 3.5) and we've fooled around a little (very minimal) and we've had sex 3 times. He's never gotten off through intercourse, and that makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong, he says I'm not but thats how I feel. I never want to have sex , I think it might be because I was raped in 2003. He knows about it, and says he's not going to hurt me, and I know that. I just don't know if he fully understands how I feel.

It's upsetting to both of us, and I feel horrible. I don't know what to do to help it.

Help

Comments

[vicious-kittie.livejournal.com]

Do you take any medication? Lots of meds can cause that.
Likely, though, it could be a result of being raped. Have you ever sought counselling for that, or gotten some type of closure? It can be very important not only to your sexual health but also your mental health. I would suggest talking to a professional if you haven't already.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__mandymoo/]

I used to take a lot of medication for depression/anxiety 3+ years ago, I'm completely off them now.

I've seen a therapist, and I'm much better now, it will be 3 years since it happened in October, the first year was very dificult. I never thing about it anymore, and I haven't had a flash back for quie some time.

[vicious-kittie.livejournal.com]

It could be a number of things - a funk, unreadiness, depression, fatigue, hell maybe you just don't feel like it. Until you're really able to identify the cause it's difficult to fix it. My only suggestion is lots and lots of foreplay.

[mezzanine27.livejournal.com]

you should not be having sex if you don't want to. it's very likely that your lack of libido is related to the rape. it can take a long time to recover from a traumatic experience like that, and you shouldn't try to rush yourself.

also, you've had sex 3 times while you've only fooled around a little? i would definitely postpone the sex until you feel more comfortable with him. it takes time to build trust with a partner but it's extremely important, especially if you've been sexually abused.

so, moral of the story: wait until you are completely, undeniably ready to have sex with him again. if he's a good boyfriend he will understand. if he tries to convince you to have sex with him please examine your relationship. it's never a good sign to be with someone who doesn't respect your desires (or lack thereof). in the mean time, explore other types of stimulation that you are comfortable with. and if you're not interested in anything beyond making out, that's fine too. just make sure to communicate with your boyfriend about what you want/need.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__mandymoo/]

It's not that I don't trust him, I do and I know he won't hurt me.

I've also never been comfortable with my body, I'm not super skinny. My highest weight was 250, and now I'm down to 125. I'm 4'11". While I'm not incredibly over weight anymore, I still have a lot of extra skin that makes me look, well fat.

I'm constantly I'm afraid I'm bad at sex. I'm scared of it. A lot of the time I freak out if he touches my breast's even if it's an accident, it makes him upset when I get upset about it, I feel like a bad person.

I wish I could be more comfortable with myself and being touched.

[mezzanine27.livejournal.com]

hmmm.

i can absolutely relate to the body issues as well as the fear of being bad at sex. those issues constantly come up for me and i have yet to really find a cure. it helps that my boyfriend is really understanding and sweet about them, but it's still hard sometimes. my only advice is to try not to feel bad if you don't want to have sex. there are always other things you can do instead.

do you masturbate? that might help you get more in tune with what your body likes and help some of your anxiety around sex. other than that i don't really have any advice. but i definitely know where you're coming from.

by the way, you're beautiful.

[brina-is-sassy.livejournal.com]

I really think you need to stop having sex with him and work on these other issues. They can all be the whole cause of your problem and by having sex and doing this really extremely intimate thing when you aren't even comfortable having your breasts touched is only making things worse.

You will never be able to enjoy sex if you aren't comfortable with your own body because you're constantly going to have that issue going on and making it one bad experience after another.

[daniellec.livejournal.com]

There are three causes that I know of. The first, and most likely, is because of the rape. If you haven't gone to a therapist then it would be a very good idea. The second cause I know of is from different medications, as stated above. But there's another cause that might be a factor. Some people say that women don't usually start having much of a sex drive or even orgasms until they're in to their twenties. I don't know how true it is because I started having orgasms in my early teens and I know quite a few women who have as well.

[lovelark.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I drove a friend to the emergency room a year and a half ago after a brutal rape, and I know it' been very, VERY slow going to heal. You can, it just...takes time. And trust. And alot of patience.

My best advice is give it time. Sex is a complicated subject, let your boyfriend be there for you, if she's good for you, if he loves you, take tiny steps, take it a day at a time, and celebrate every victory.

Never push yourself too hard. If you're not in the mood, if you're getting frustrated, if you're panicking, STOP. Give yourself time, relax...cuddle. If he's worth his salt, he'll understand. And he'll be supportive.

[robynchick.livejournal.com]

Seek counseling! You have a right to a normal life and normal sex life =)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, having read some of your responses here I think a lot of things could be at play.

First of all, while you may no longer experience conscious trauma from your sexual assault, it's quite likely that your subconscious is still hurting and healing from it.

Second of all, self-esteem and self-image plays a big part in how sexual and sexually open we feel. If you're very uncomfortable with your body, of course it makes sense you wouldn't feel very great about exploring it so intimately with another person!

Thirdly... being afraid of being "bad at sex" is very common. The thing to realize is that the only key to good sex... and I really mean this... is communication. If you are open and responsive to your lover's needs, and comfortable expressing and exploring your own, and comfortable discussing your sex life and sexuality with your partner, sex WILL be good sex.

But of course, it's hard to be very communicative when you feel uncomfortable with your body itself.

I hope that you look into counselling and therapy. I hope that you start opening up good lines of communication about your body and your sexuality with your partner.

And then there's the issue of pressure. In my experience, nothing is a bigger libido killer than pressure to either a) have sex or b) have AMAZING SEX. When you or someone else puts pressure on you, sex becomes a chore, not a fun and exploratory thing.

So my advice is to take a breather. Agree with your partner to have fun together without sex for a little while. Do other things together... cuddle, play-wrestle, whatever. Have fun with each other, and make sure the goal is to always have fun and not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

While you're doing that, start looking at working on your other issues. With a little soul searching, I really believe that one day you will find yourself having a wonderful and fulfilling sex life. :)

[girlofthemirror.livejournal.com]

Girls often take a while to warm up to sex, it is quite normal not to make enough lube. Maybe if you used lube it might mean that you felt less pressured and that sex felt better to you.

This is really not to try to talk over what everyone else is saying. I wholeheartedly agree, but I thought I'd just add my boringly practical $.02