How to get over nerves about receiving oral sex?

[onlygoodbook.livejournal.com]

I've been with my partner (cis-male, I'm cis-female) for almost a year and we have a wonderful relationship and active sex life... and I still can't get over my nerves about oral sex to actually let him go down on me, though he is eager to do so. I love going down on him and so I can imagine that he would earnestly look forward to returning the favor, but I just can't imagine that it won't be a turn off for him. One of my concerns is that I've NEVER had an orgasm. Oral sex is kind of the last frontier. Both PIV sex and being touched by my partner can both feel great, but intense approaching-an-orgasm feelings come and go pretty quickly, dissipating after a few seconds. If oral sex doesn't do it for me either, I am a bit worried that my partner (and I!) will be disappointed. How can I work on my own feelings toward this so that I can relax? I've been sexually active for five years (I'm 23) and I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with my body. No one is making me feel this way - every sexual partner I've had has been understanding and not taken my inability to orgasm as some kind of deficiency or personal insult, so this is coming from me.

I don't feel insecure or unsure about sex and I have a healthy body image, except for these few square centimeters in this one very particular situation! :-/

EDITED TO ADD: Aiming at orgasm isn't at all the object of sex for me. My partner and I have a great sex life, I think, and I am always happy to be intimate with him. I don't think about reaching orgasm, just enjoying the experience.

Thanks!

Comments

[six-dollar-baby.livejournal.com]

Something that can help is the use of a blindfold, if you're comfortable with that. Keeping your eyes covered can intensify sensation. i've found it also helps with relaxation, as i'm not looking at my body, so i don't get self-conscious about it. it's a simple psychological ploy but it works.

And, like any sex act, don't be disappointed if it doesn't produce an orgasm the first time! It takes time and practice for partners to learn about each other- that means he will need time to figure out what you like, and you'll need time to figure out what works and what doesn't. Just focus on enjoying the act in the moment.

You can bring other things into *ahem* play as well- your partner can touch/finger you while he's down there, or one of you can use a vibrator or other toy to enhance things. If you've got your hands free, you can use them to touch your breasts/nipples/neck/anywhere that feels good as well.

Enjoy!

[six-dollar-baby.livejournal.com]

And, to add to this- orgasm is a tricky creature. i didn't have my first until i was 24- like anything else, everyone has a different experience. It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with your body, it simply means you haven't figured out what works yet. Try not to focus on orgasm as the ultimate goal- instead, spend some time with yourself just fantasizing, touching, figuring out what feels good. i think fantasy is a key thing- let your imagination go! It'll take you to some interesting places.

Two things that helped when i was Figuring It Out (TM):
1: Indirect clitoral stimulation. A vibrator on the labia just around/below the clitoris felt much better than directly on the clitoris itself- too sensitive!
2: Blood flow. To that end, breathing deeply and clenching/unclenching the butt muscles seems to force more blood into the vaginal area, which makes things feel really good.

[may-third.livejournal.com]

RE: orgasms, I agree 110%!

Also, I had my first orgasm when I was 19, and it wasn't result of any partnered sexual activity! We had a detachable/massage showerhead that did the trick. And subsequent orgasms came from little vibrators, and then, finally, I learned to let go enough to orgasm during oral. Another key for me was getting extremely turned on BEFORE my partner started going down on me, I find that it's harder for me to orgasm at all if I've already had something *inside* me, so to speak. Very recently I had my first orgasm from clitoral stimulation during PIV, (I'm 22 now), so don't get discouraged :)

[fee-parisienne.livejournal.com]

Why do you feel this is a "last frontier"? If the main goal of your sexual interactions is having an orgasm, you and your partner may well be disappointed by a lot of things. But if you can focus on trying and enjoying different things, which may feel very nice with or without an orgasm, then nobody needs to feel disappointed as long as they are having a good time together.

It is not ultimately your partner who will "give" or "cause" you to have an orgasm. He can help, but most of the process of becoming aroused and reaching an orgasm happens in your own brain. You are right that feelings of arousal can come and go quickly. For me, learning to have orgasms was partly about learning to keep arousal going through more intense stimulation, or touching/rubbing more places on my body. It was definitely a learning experience, and it took me a few years. If you don't currently make time to masturbate by yourself, that might be something that would help you get more familiar with your body's responses to different kinds of stimulation.

Do you think it's a turn off for your partner if you don't come while he's kissing you? Not everybody finds oral sex the Most Orgasmic Thing Ever. I love being kissed, and would hate for my partner to skip doing it just because it's unlikely to lead to an orgasm. Would it help you feel better if you had an understanding with your partner that you just want him to kiss/lick/suck on your private parts for a little while, without trying for an orgasm? Do that for a bit and then move on to something else. Let him know how you liked it afterwards (or during if you feel comfortable). Talk about what kinds of things you'd like him to do more, or less, next time.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I would try to move away from thinking of this as the last chance to orgasm, and towards thinking of it as an activity that might be fun and intimate!

Otherwise...maybe talk to him about it? Find out what turns him on about the idea of doing it. Maybe hearing his words will help your brain realize that its gonna be sexy for him. :)

[eavanmoore.livejournal.com]

I agree with this comment. You might also talk about what position is most comfortable or hot for him.

[rojarabbits.livejournal.com]

Just gonna chime in that perhaps it may be something you just don't want and that's alright too. I personally don't enjoy receiving-- it makes me nervous and I feel almost nothing. What I'm saying is, it is okay to not want it and leave it at just that if you are feeling apprehensive.

[dkwgdk.livejournal.com]

I totally sympathize with anxiety about receiving oral sex. (I'm a cis-female who sleeps with cis-male partners.) To me, honestly, it feels somehow more intimate than PIV sex, although I can't explain why. It may be that I can't see my partner's face while he's doing it and I can't hear him saying anything, so in the absence of that feedback I tend to freak out. I think my upper body also feels kinda lonely, maybe? I'm not sure. But yeah. I feel really, really sympathetic.

I had a partner who is very enthusiastic about his interest in going down on me, and that's been somewhat helpful. He asks, respectfully, if he can do it, but he also says something about how it turns him on. Feeling both desired and in control of the situation helps me. I've also noticed that I sometimes needed him to stop for a second during it because I get overstimulated and need...a second...or two...before things can continue without my being in pain or discomfort. I usually can now say to new partners "I'm a little nervous about this, but it helps if I know you're really into it."

Are you able to have an orgasm by yourself? Sometimes showing someone what to do (or simply letting them watch you) can help. It gets you comfortable 'letting go' in front of them, and it helps them figure out what does it for you in terms of places and rhythms. I also have found with dudes who don't get me off that one solution is to get on top of them and basically use them as sex toys to produce my own orgasm. At first doing this freaked me out a little, but it has worked well in the past. (The guys I've done this with have been very amenable!)

[onlygoodbook.livejournal.com]

Hey, thanks for writing :-)

It may be that I can't see my partner's face while he's doing it and I can't hear him saying anything, so in the absence of that feedback I tend to freak out. I think my upper body also feels kinda lonely, maybe? I'm not sure. But yeah. I feel really, really sympathetic.

Yes, this! That's definitely a big piece of it.

I've never been able to orgasm on my own, so that's one hurdle for me. I know what feels good, but anything that feels good dissipates in seconds so I am barely on the edge, much less over it.

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

For me, it's like...they have so many senses wrt to their faces (smell, taste, touch hearing idek) and they're kinda...all up in there during oral that is makes it feel more intimate for me. Like ok, we're gonna taste and smell each other? That's a big deal (for me)

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Don't focus on the orgasm, focus on feeling good and enjoying that intimacy with your partner.

And why wouldn't it be a turn off for him? You enjoy orally stimulating him, what makes it on you so different? I have no experience with this, but I actually think taste wise I'd prefer a vulva. But that's me.

[helenkacan.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see you edited your original post. So just think of this as a sensory experience. If you think you'll feel disconnected because his body and head are waaaaaaaay down there (so far away - it feels like miles, I know), you could hold one of his hands. That can make you both feel more connected. And, any time you want to stop, you can tug on the hand and pull your partner back up to your level. I see you mentioned your upper body feeling "lonely". Well, you could hold your partner's hand near where your breast is (if you like to have your breasts touched). Or you could kiss your partner's hand which is a loving, tender gesture.

I hope you will be able to get more comfortable with the whole idea of receiving oral sex. There's nothing quite like the feeling of having your partner's breath on you even before there's anything being touched.

I don't know whether you and your partner laugh about things during sex, but this could START out as a fun experience. It doesn't have to be ALL serious or about technique, etc. A neat thing for a partner to do is to trace the letters of the alphabet over your clit and labia. You could even turn it into a game, questionning your partner if a letter's been missed (or done out of order and - oh, dear - they'll have to start all over again).

Another thing is to get the most up-to-date info on oral sex to see how many different things can be done with teeth (gently), tongue (tip or flat) and lips. It really is a terrific learning and feeling experience.

Also, do you think you'd feel more comfortable if the lights were off and perhaps only a few candles were lit (not where you could knock them over)?

I hope some of the above will be helpful for your situation.

[rikstar.livejournal.com]

I grew up in a very comunicative house hold and I just thought I might share some things with you that my mother has told me!! 1. Every girl is nervous about oral the first time (whether this is true or not doesn't matter, it helps to think so!), you just gotta relax and enjoy the ride (I closed my eyes the first time because I didn't want to see him down there). 2. if you want to experiance an orgasm you need to find your special spots on your own time ( know they self!, or better yet, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you the way that you deserve to be loved ;) ). 3. communication is the key to reaching orgasm with a partner ( don't be afaid to tell them when something is feeling really good ) 4. the louder you get the better it feels ( i swear I thought she was nuts when she told me this, but it has proven to be absolutely true for me. when I get loud He enjoys it more and it starts feeling better and better hence getting closer to an orgasmic state. 5. if you are afraid that he won't like the smell down there, tell him that you are afraid, chances are he likes it a million times better that you do (guys are just weird like that!). 6. the more you focus on the feeling and just let yourself be in that feeling the more likely you will be to orgasm, don't think about trying to get there, if it's not gonna happen it's just not. Oh and one from me... guys love it down there, but alot of them don't know what they're doing. it is very important to talk to him about how it feels when he's doing his thing. don't be afaid to say no i don't like that, or oh yeah right there! sqirming is totally natural and makes it more fun!! ENJOY and GOOD LUCK! :)