Confusion about Sexual Orientation

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

Hi everyone. I hope this question is appropriate here. Just an FYI: I'm posting under a sockpuppet account.

I don't really have anyone to turn for this, so I was wondering if anyone could offer me some words of wisdom or advice. It would be very appreciated.

So... I am now aware of feelings that have been latent for a long time. I've come to terms with the fact that I am very interested in women, both sexually and romantically. In the past, whenever these feelings arose, I would suppress them. For example, in the past, my boyfriend has playfully brought up the idea of having a threesome with another woman. Having considered it, I would think, "Gee, that sounds great, as long as he wasn't part of the equation." I've passively expressed attraction to women to him and others, who have responded with displeasure. Shame from this has made me not consider it any further. But now that I am conscious of these feelings, I feel a little liberated but mostly very confused.

These feelings emerged when I was watching a movie that had a lesbian sex scene. (NB: I haven't watched porn in years so girl-on-girl sex is something I haven't seen a lot of.) I was taken aback by how aroused I was by it and have since been fantasizing about women, which is new for me. In the past, I've always tried to fantasize about my boyfriend. Now, the idea of being sexual with a woman, and even in a relationship with one, seems very appealing and exciting. I've developed a visceral urge to be with a woman.

Some background: I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly four years now. We have been in a long-distance relationship for three of these years (we see each other once or twice a month). Our relationship has been sexually unfulfilling for me. He has never made me orgasm. Our sex life is very PIV-centric. Don't get me wrong, we have had good sex, but I am often left needing more (most of the time, after we have sex, I embarrassingly masturbate to orgasm while he plays on the computer). It pains me to say this, but after we're doing having sex, I often feeling used. In general, I am disastifised with certain aspects of our relationship, but I've stuck with him because he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and I find that very attractive. I also know he cares a great deal about me.

These newly realized feelings are in a sense upsetting to me because I'm not sure where they've come from. I'm not sure if they're innate, or maybe due to how sexualized women are in our society? Maybe they've come about simply because i'm not sexually fulfilled in my current relationship. I don't know.

All I know is that I have a very strong desire to be with a woman. I want to know if it's right for me. I don't know how to go about doing this. I know that there's a lot of stigma against bisexuals, even from the gay community. I know that lesbians don't want to be treated like some sort of experiment, which is completely understandable. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel used.

This is already "TL;DR" material, sorry. If anyone could provide any insight or advice into my situation, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks. :)

x-posted to sextips

Comments

[myst-luv1224.livejournal.com]

I don't have experience in this but all i can say is that you need to be true to yourself. If that is who you think you are go ahead and be proud of it. If these people in your life are so disappointed about it and what not that means these people aren't and shouldn't be in your life. One of my very close friends is bisexual and another a lesbian and I love them dearly that their sexuality didn't make a difference, it just added to their personality. My friend the one that is bisexual wasn't sure about it all, was terrified to tell me but all i said was, you have to be true to yourself.

[toukohater.livejournal.com]

I'm sort of confused by what you are asking exactly, but I'll give it a shot.
Back when I kept questioning myself, I talked to a good friend of mine and she asked me if I could picture myself kissing a girl, and if I could then it was more than just a feeling I was getting. Then I thought about the girl that I had a crush on and I had told her I wasn't so sure of myself. But after dating for over a month, I realized it was definitely more than a phase and I really did like her and felt attracted to her like I had to every person I had before her and even more. She knew I was still unsure of myself and she was fine with that and flexible with me. I'm here nine months later, and I'm still with her. I think the best way is just to act on it and see how it takes you and be open with the person you're with. Thinking 'what if' for a while will never really get you anywhere, imo.

I hope I answered your question. |D

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your advice :) I wish the best of luck with your relationship.

[airkitten.livejournal.com]

I agree with the other two commenters, and would like to add I am happily bisexual and people will eventually get over the stigma.

[arularia.livejournal.com]

"and people will eventually get over the stigma."

But that doesn't make the stigma hurt any less in the here and now.

[kartusch.livejournal.com]

Have you in the past admired girls physically? The most likely bet is that you are finding your footing on the kinsey scale. There is a small possibility though that you are seeing this lesbian scene and attaching to it and by connection dating a women all that you want from your current relationship and not getting.

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

I have, yeah. I've developed crushes on girls in the past, but I never took them too seriously.

[kartusch.livejournal.com]

Ok was just curious. I understand I did the deep denial thing for quite awhile on like, liking girls. I refer to myself as bisexual in theory, since life keep me with just guys and I still have some niggling doubt on if I would follow through. (That is just me being the type to qualify things until sure)

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I don't have any specific advice, but I did want to say that in my book, PIV-centric sex that ended in me masturbating while my dude did something else would not be "good sex" in any sense of the word. That's pretty uncool of him, regardless of your orientation.

One thing that comes to mind is that every person you date is in essence an "experiment." Even if you like women, you may date a handful of women who just aren't for you. Know what I mean? In that sense, I don't know that being with one woman would answer your question...bad chemistry with one person doesn't mean bad chemistry with everyone of that sex.

If it were me, I would make a decision about the relationship I was in. Was that the relationship I wanted? If not, I would end it, and just go from there. I tend to think of orientation less in terms of "what genders am I attracted to" and more in terms of "who specifically am I attracted to?" But then I haven't dated in approximately a million years, so I'm kind of just talking out of my butt here. ;)

[archangelbeth]

PIV-centric sex that ended in me masturbating while my dude did something else would not be "good sex" in any sense of the word.

Amen. Even if you were someone who couldn't climax from anything but your own efforts... He should at least offer to be there cuddling! (Or fondling, or doing something besides going, "Okay! Done now! Log onto WoW!")

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Exactly! Even if he doesn't do the actual "work," some form of giving-a-shit would be good, IMO.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

OP, I just read your comment below about why he doesn't stick around, and maybe I've been to harsh here. I apologize for that.

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

No worries. :) I found your advice really helpful btw, so thank you.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Best of luck - this stuff is so tricky, eh?

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

It really is. It's the stigma that kills me. The last time I was at work, I told my coworker that I used to sleep in the same bed as my best friend in high school (it was related to the conversation, i promise!) and she looked at me as if I had just told her that I enjoy drowning puppies. X-(

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

I find this hilarious because if he's on the internet, there's a high likelihood that he's playing WoW (his lvl 80 dwarf paladin is his baby and has some of the best gear in the game :D).

Honestly, in order for me to orgasm, I have to get lost in a fantasy, and it takes me a really long time to orgasm when he's holding me because I want to focus on him and not myself. Unfortunately, in order to come, I have to indulge in a certain level of egocentrism.

[archangelbeth]

If this is working for you emotionally, then go with it! But... It sounds like maybe this isn't working emotionally for you, since you posted about it? Is there some part of you that's feeling emotionally unfulfilled and resentful of him running off to drink pixel beer and kill Onyxia?

If that's the case, then... Hm. It gets tangled up in whether you think you'd need to fantasize if you were with a woman, too, I think. If you are wanting to keep your current relationship, though, and if I'm right that there's an undercurrent of resentment going on for him "deserting" you after his orgasm, it might be really good to have a sit-down sometime and figure out some new tactics. Some people really can only climax from a given stimulation, and other people... get stuck in a mental rut, where the body becomes so accustomed to the setup that it can take some time to re-learn a new way of climaxing. (And he needs to learn some sexier ways to get you going than staaaaaring -- can he use a vibe with/on you? What about changing positions so he can use his elbow/shoulder more than his wrist as the muscle-anchor that's doing all the work? Does he get you heated up with foreplay? ...would it be sexy if you could order him to do things, and he, gagged and collared, had to do them? (Though with a "safeword", of course! A handy bell or pushbutton buzzer would work with a gag...)

As for the sexuality issues. Hrm. The "simplest" way to experiment, if you were anywhere near one of the places where sex-work is legal, would probably be to call up Houses (or whatever they're called) and ask if there were any of the staff who were interested in helping someone bi-curious explore her sexuality, and what their rates are. (In bethworld (my personal utopia), sexwork is safe, legal, without stigma, and one can just call up an office as if one were shopping around for a doctor, a psychologist, a dentist, or any other professional who deals with intimate parts, physically and/or emotionally. ...my mental utopia may be a bit unusual, depending. Er.)

In the absence of bethworld (and/or the absence of this idea working for YOU!)... Perhaps research polyamory? Because even if you're only looking for a one-night-stand, there are very likely going to be emotional aspects that you'll need to consider and probably deal with, both for you and your "primary partner." Once those were dealt with (and seriously, not just "have a camera," because camera-usage is only useful if it'd be a turn-on for you), you might hunt around and see if there are any "poly-craigslist" kinds of places where you could just flat-out say something like "bi-curious cisfemale" (assuming you are!) "seeks female-bodied partner for a date, possibly including one-night-stand if compatible. Already in primary relationship. Must provide STD-negative papers (I'll have mine)."

Good luck!

[xochiquetzl]

I don't have any specific advice, but I did want to say that in my book, PIV-centric sex that ended in me masturbating while my dude did something else would not be "good sex" in any sense of the word.

THIS.

femalehysteria, it seems to me that there are two issues here: One is your attraction to women, and the other is your dissatisfaction with your boyfriend. You can be attracted to women and perfectly satisfied with your boyfriend, or you can be completely straight and dissatisfied with your boyfriend. I think it's a common mistake to mix the two things up.

If it were me, I would make a decision about the relationship I was in. Was that the relationship I wanted? If not, I would end it, and just go from there.

I agree with this as well.

[fremen-dancer.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend and I (I'm female) are both bisexual, and both of us have, on our own, found the majority of our friends and family to be accepting of our orientations.

In fact, he got more crap than I did in his experiences once he started seriously dating a woman for the first time (me) because some of his gay male friends felt betrayed somehow or as if he was suddenly in "denial about being gay". (Despite the fact that previously, he was with a man for 7 years.)

Fact is, human sexuality is far less black and white than some people would like to admit. (Just look at Alfred Kinsey's research.)

There's nothing wrong with experimentation to try to figure out what does it for you as long as you're being honest and fair to any current partners you may have.

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, the only time I've been with a girl was my first kiss. lol.

It's funny, every time my boyfriend has said to me, "I want to be with you forever," part of me has thought, "but then I would never get to be with a woman." (He has said tounge-in-cheek that the only way he would be ok with me experimenting with a women would be if I "brought a camera" :P)

[awriterswindow.livejournal.com]

My mom actually went through the whole bisexual stigma thing when she was looking to date women (which she now is doing). If you are going to date women, I would be completely up front about the fact that you feel you are bisexual. If the person doesn't like it or is biased, then they are obviously not for you.

I'm bisexual as well (our family seems to be evidence for the "queer is genetic" argument), and I understand how you feel. It's natural to want to experiment with that part of yourself. I'm sorry that your current sex life is not fulfilling for you. I hope you know, though, that regardless of the person's gender anyone who would just leave you unfulfilled and go play on the computer is unacceptable (in my view). That just sucks for everyone involved.

Explore and just be open about who you are and your situation. Anyone who doesn't like it can leave.

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

I identify as queer, and you may, too (I prefer the word over bisexual because bisexual omits gender-nonconforming folks) but, firstly, it sounds like you may have a communication issue regarding your sex life.

Why are you masturbating while your partner is on the computer? Why isn't he sticking around to help? Does he know you don't orgasm? Could he pleasure you orally after, or use a vibrator on you after, or at least hold you and talk to you after, instead of being in the other room? Are there other things that you could add to your PIV sex routine that would make it better for you?

If you desire women, that's one thing, but if you're having bad sex, that's another. I'd advise seeing if you can resolve the bad sex in your relationship since you're satisfied with him as a caring and intelligent individual first, and then seeing where you need to go experimentation wise, after.

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your advice. My partner and I have had many frank discussions about our sex life and I've explicitly told him what I like, how I want to be touched, etc. At the root of the problem, I think, may be the fact that we only see each other for 2-3 days at a time, so it's difficult for us to really explore each other's bodies.

Why are you masturbating while your partner is on the computer?
Because sometimes, after we've had PIV sex, I have a strong desire to have an orgasm.

Why isn't he sticking around to help?
He has tried in the past, but his methods just don't get me there. When it comes to oral, usually after ten minutes or so, he'll express that his tounge is tired. Either that, or I'll be on the brink of orgasm, and he'll stop the rhythm that he had going on and i'll lose it. When it comes to manual sex, it's a similar thing - he'll complain that his wrist is hurting (he has carpal tunnel). He also has rougher hands than I do and the friction can be painful. Sometimes when he's touching me, it's hard to let go because it's not very sensual - instead of also touching my thighs, lips, breasts etc. he'll just kind of stare at me. Also, knowing that his tongue or wrist is hurting kills it for me because I have to know that he's enjoying it too.

Does he know you don't orgasm?
Yes. I would never fake it. There have been a couple times that I've squirted, which to him signified that I orgasmed, but it's fine with me if he thinks that.

Could he pleasure you orally after, or use a vibrator on you after, or at least hold you and talk to you after, instead of being in the other room?
I've addressed the oral thing.. I actually used to use a vibrator but I stopped because I thought it was hindering my ability to orgasm with him (I prefer fingers anyway). He has tried holding me while I played with myself, but it takes me forever to orgasm that way because I have to get lost in a fantasy in order to come. It's worth noting, i guess, that the computer is in his bedroom, so he's just 10 feet away or so.

Are there other things that you could add to your PIV sex routine that would make it better for you?
I wish it was more sensual and focused on each other's entire body instead of just one area.

Whew, that was long! XD

[sir-cumspect.livejournal.com]

Everything you've said in reply to "Why isn't he sticking around to help?" leads me to believe that you might just not be sexually compatible with your boyfriend. It also seems like he's not making much of an effort to help resolve this issue. Perhaps you should reconsider your relationship? I personally believe that sexual compatability is extemely important. If you are always left unsatisfied it can very easily lead to resentment and anger which in turn, can utterly destroy a relationship (been there and done that).

[rjade829.livejournal.com]

This.

[kuradi8.livejournal.com]

sketchy brunette makes some good points.

Another thing to figure out is whether you're looking for a new relationship either in addition to or instead of your BF -- or just new sex to fulfill your (for lack of a better word) "curiosity."

[vivalameghan.livejournal.com]

hey! i'm glad that you're looking for advice on this, i'm sure it can get pretty overwhelming in your head.
i'm only 19, but when i was 15 or so, i had a huge questioning stage, which i'm sure is normal at that point. but mine was kind of different. my mom is a lesbian, and we live with her girlfriend of about 9 years, so i've been watching this relationship develop. i think that when i questioned myself, i wasn't getting what i needed from relationships (i know, i was 15, but still.) but anyway, i know what its like tobe at that weird in between stage.
i still identify as straight, because i'm positive that i would only want a relationship with a male, but i don't want you to feel so scared about identifying otherwise! if a guy isn't giving you what you need, and it's happened more than once, with more than one guy, then yeah, maybe try something new!
i think that your lack of a great sex life with him probably contributes to the fantasies. and as many of us do, you fantasize about that wonderful sex on video. but yeah, i don't blame you!
basically, if you are attracted to women and can see yourself with a woman, then hell yeah, give it a try. because that will, im sure, make up your mind.
if you're nervous about "coming out", don't be. i know that's easier said than done but you have hundreds of girls right here who will support you through it all.
i wish you the absolute best of luck and through all of this, dont forget to love who you are :)

[peacelovr.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything you said 100%!!!

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

*beams* Thank you for being so supportive and accepting. It truly means a lot to me. :) I'm only 20 so I'm still confused about a lot of things in my life and the world, lol. But I'm learning!

Thanks again for your kind words. ♥

[vivalameghan.livejournal.com]

not a problem. love yourself!!! <3

[peacelovr.livejournal.com]

When I was in high school, I started having attractions towards other girls. I talked with my mom about it when I was like 15 and she said it was just me being envious of them therefore being strangely drawn to them. I was like well ok that seems logical. But, as time went on, I started getting more and more aroused by girls, and at the same time still being drawn to boys. By the time I was 18, I knew that I was for sure bisexual. I didn't become comfortable with it until I was 21, after I was already married (but before I got married I had already been with a few girls). All I can say is that I was pretty confused for a few years and then a little embarrassed by my sexuality for a few more years. After a while, I sort of became comfortable with myself as a whole: my body, my beliefs, and eventually my sexuality. Whatever you are- gay, straight, bi- be who you are because that's what will ultimately bring you happiness.

[pocochina.livejournal.com]

I share a lot of the concerns that people have shared above about your boyfriend's pattern of leaving you unsatisfied...that's tough on you and doesn't seem particularly thoughtful of him. I'm also concerned about the lack of support you're receiving when you mention your attraction to women (and no, "bring a camera" doesn't count as support, because that strikes me as him trying to make your sexual orientation about him, and thus still inherently hetero). Of course, it's also possible that you're of a place on the Kinsey scale where boy-sex just doesn't do it for you, and that is cool too! It just means some lady-sex might be in order.

I know that lesbians don't want to be treated like some sort of experiment

What atalanta0jess said above about every relationship being an experiment is really astute, but I might also bear in mind that...not all experimentation is created equal. Someone who's entirely interested in men but fools around with a woman for reasons that aren't actually about an attraction to women or the woman in question (for titillation value, to say she's done it, to hurt a male partner) could be interpreted as objectifying her female partner, which is tough, whereas trying out sex or a relationship you're very interested in for its own sake (as it seems you are) for the first time because you're genuinely attracted to someone strikes me as much more likely to be respectful and enjoyable.

It sounds like this is causing you some trouble, and I really hope it gets easier soon. I'm glad you posted. :)

[apricotflower.livejournal.com]

Things aren't black and white. Sexuality is fluid. A lot (a LOT) of people are not 100% straight, but they never indulge in or explore the thoughts or feelings they have towards the same sex, and therefore identify as straight. Some have the courage to think about it, which sounds like what you are doing now, and others go a step further and actually act on it or otherwise really take this new-found awareness into their lives.

This is hard, though, and can include a lot of risk-taking, because most of us are raised in a heteronormative world were any sort of same-sex attraction is often coded as "wrong" or "bad". Thankfully this is changing, and a lot of people can have great lives as queer, but it would be naive to assume that getting there is equally easy for everyone.

The thing to remember, is that there is no *right* answer. You don't need to figure out right now whether you're straight or gay. You probably aren't one or the other. It's also entirely possible that even though your current relationship were to end soon, you might still want to continue dating guys, or even if you dated girls for a few years you'd want to go back to guys for a while, or mix it up... and the stigma against bisexuals? total bs. Those who believe that are still operating within a gender binary, where you can be either straight or gay, which is absolutely ridiculous, and that should definitely not be enough of a reason to keep you from exploring this side of yourself. Really, the idea that "you're not gay enough" is something that people have to learn to let go of. For example, I've called myself a lesbian for 5 years now, and have exclusively dated girls for this time, although I dated guys before that. But now I think I would like to try to date a guy again... and it almost seems like that is more of a big deal to others than coming out in the first place was! That was like "oh, you're realised you're gay, congrats!" but it's like I only get one chance... "what, you already used your card! you can't change *again*!" which is again, ridiculous, because if *I*'m okay with it, why shouldn't others be. I never said I was 100% gay... anyway, this is getting too long.

So basically, it's time to do some soul searching! Try to think about what *you* want, rather than what others or what society would want you to do. Because let's face it, society is all about putting us into boxes that may or may not work for us. :)

[bernthewitch.livejournal.com]

I relate to you.

I'm bisexual - I'm married to a man and I choose to share my life with him. But I'm severely, HEAVILY attracted to women. I only watch "guy porn", I'm on the prowl every time I see a beautiful girl in a short skirt (ahem. Sorry...), you get the point...

My husband, luckily, likes this. And understands. Although I'm attracted to women, I like to have a man for comfort, for ordinary life-things, and I'm infatuated with my husband. I had a girlfriend when I met him (that's a long and interesting story, let me tell you) and I did consider if I was lesbian for a long time while I was with her. But something was just ... missing, or wasn't right for me. I can't give you an answer as to WHY I'm not straight or lesbian, I'm just not. And I feel lucky in that I'm ALLOWED to feel like I feel. Whatever turns you on baby...

But as another commenter said - there's a difference between feeling like this and having BAD SEX - if you feel unfulfilled at the end of PIV sex, don't feel guilty masturbating (I do pretty much every time we have sex) but if you're feeling guilty, do it with him. My husband cuddles me, bites my ear, does whatever feels good, but I bring myself off - it's SOOOO much better to have him there than if he's not there... I promise!

Good luck. I hope you feel better after all these comments. Much love.

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

I would find seeing someone only once or twice a month difficult. How important is it to you to be monogamous? I'm poly (http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html#AnchorP1) so I don't see anyone exclusively, which makes things that bit easier. It's perfectly okay to ask your boyfriend how he might feel about you dating a woman and him not being there to watch, or involved with her. Of course, he might not be okay with that, but you never know.

[robynrawr.livejournal.com]

I realized that I was extremely attracted to women while in a relationship with a man. In fact, it was a long distance relationship and I acted on those attractions quite a bit with my now-girlfriend. I identified as bisexual for a very, very long time. Slowly though, I started to realize that although I found men visually appealing and I thought some were handsome, cute, etc., I did NOT want to be with one sexually. And I realized slowly that being with one romantically just wasn't for me either.

That's just me, though. No one but you can decide what you are. I went through a long stage where I refused to put a label on me at all because I didn't want to be attached or categorized to only one thing.

As for the stigma...girl, I can identify. As an out and proud lesbian in a small town of 3000 people in West Texas, I know what it's like to be looked down upon. And for people to be utterly disgusted by what I consider my private life. Don't let it get you down. People are ignorant, and they don't realize most of the time how hurtful they are.

As for your boyfriend, it seems like maybe you don't click with each other sexually. Sometimes, that can be worked out with talking and explaining and showing, and sometimes it can't. That's something you will have to work out.