Confusion about Sexual Orientation

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

Hi everyone. I hope this question is appropriate here. Just an FYI: I'm posting under a sockpuppet account.

I don't really have anyone to turn for this, so I was wondering if anyone could offer me some words of wisdom or advice. It would be very appreciated.

So... I am now aware of feelings that have been latent for a long time. I've come to terms with the fact that I am very interested in women, both sexually and romantically. In the past, whenever these feelings arose, I would suppress them. For example, in the past, my boyfriend has playfully brought up the idea of having a threesome with another woman. Having considered it, I would think, "Gee, that sounds great, as long as he wasn't part of the equation." I've passively expressed attraction to women to him and others, who have responded with displeasure. Shame from this has made me not consider it any further. But now that I am conscious of these feelings, I feel a little liberated but mostly very confused.

These feelings emerged when I was watching a movie that had a lesbian sex scene. (NB: I haven't watched porn in years so girl-on-girl sex is something I haven't seen a lot of.) I was taken aback by how aroused I was by it and have since been fantasizing about women, which is new for me. In the past, I've always tried to fantasize about my boyfriend. Now, the idea of being sexual with a woman, and even in a relationship with one, seems very appealing and exciting. I've developed a visceral urge to be with a woman.

Some background: I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly four years now. We have been in a long-distance relationship for three of these years (we see each other once or twice a month). Our relationship has been sexually unfulfilling for me. He has never made me orgasm. Our sex life is very PIV-centric. Don't get me wrong, we have had good sex, but I am often left needing more (most of the time, after we have sex, I embarrassingly masturbate to orgasm while he plays on the computer). It pains me to say this, but after we're doing having sex, I often feeling used. In general, I am disastifised with certain aspects of our relationship, but I've stuck with him because he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and I find that very attractive. I also know he cares a great deal about me.

These newly realized feelings are in a sense upsetting to me because I'm not sure where they've come from. I'm not sure if they're innate, or maybe due to how sexualized women are in our society? Maybe they've come about simply because i'm not sexually fulfilled in my current relationship. I don't know.

All I know is that I have a very strong desire to be with a woman. I want to know if it's right for me. I don't know how to go about doing this. I know that there's a lot of stigma against bisexuals, even from the gay community. I know that lesbians don't want to be treated like some sort of experiment, which is completely understandable. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel used.

This is already "TL;DR" material, sorry. If anyone could provide any insight or advice into my situation, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks. :)

x-posted to sextips

Comments

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

I identify as queer, and you may, too (I prefer the word over bisexual because bisexual omits gender-nonconforming folks) but, firstly, it sounds like you may have a communication issue regarding your sex life.

Why are you masturbating while your partner is on the computer? Why isn't he sticking around to help? Does he know you don't orgasm? Could he pleasure you orally after, or use a vibrator on you after, or at least hold you and talk to you after, instead of being in the other room? Are there other things that you could add to your PIV sex routine that would make it better for you?

If you desire women, that's one thing, but if you're having bad sex, that's another. I'd advise seeing if you can resolve the bad sex in your relationship since you're satisfied with him as a caring and intelligent individual first, and then seeing where you need to go experimentation wise, after.

[femalehysteria.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your advice. My partner and I have had many frank discussions about our sex life and I've explicitly told him what I like, how I want to be touched, etc. At the root of the problem, I think, may be the fact that we only see each other for 2-3 days at a time, so it's difficult for us to really explore each other's bodies.

Why are you masturbating while your partner is on the computer?
Because sometimes, after we've had PIV sex, I have a strong desire to have an orgasm.

Why isn't he sticking around to help?
He has tried in the past, but his methods just don't get me there. When it comes to oral, usually after ten minutes or so, he'll express that his tounge is tired. Either that, or I'll be on the brink of orgasm, and he'll stop the rhythm that he had going on and i'll lose it. When it comes to manual sex, it's a similar thing - he'll complain that his wrist is hurting (he has carpal tunnel). He also has rougher hands than I do and the friction can be painful. Sometimes when he's touching me, it's hard to let go because it's not very sensual - instead of also touching my thighs, lips, breasts etc. he'll just kind of stare at me. Also, knowing that his tongue or wrist is hurting kills it for me because I have to know that he's enjoying it too.

Does he know you don't orgasm?
Yes. I would never fake it. There have been a couple times that I've squirted, which to him signified that I orgasmed, but it's fine with me if he thinks that.

Could he pleasure you orally after, or use a vibrator on you after, or at least hold you and talk to you after, instead of being in the other room?
I've addressed the oral thing.. I actually used to use a vibrator but I stopped because I thought it was hindering my ability to orgasm with him (I prefer fingers anyway). He has tried holding me while I played with myself, but it takes me forever to orgasm that way because I have to get lost in a fantasy in order to come. It's worth noting, i guess, that the computer is in his bedroom, so he's just 10 feet away or so.

Are there other things that you could add to your PIV sex routine that would make it better for you?
I wish it was more sensual and focused on each other's entire body instead of just one area.

Whew, that was long! XD

[sir-cumspect.livejournal.com]

Everything you've said in reply to "Why isn't he sticking around to help?" leads me to believe that you might just not be sexually compatible with your boyfriend. It also seems like he's not making much of an effort to help resolve this issue. Perhaps you should reconsider your relationship? I personally believe that sexual compatability is extemely important. If you are always left unsatisfied it can very easily lead to resentment and anger which in turn, can utterly destroy a relationship (been there and done that).

[rjade829.livejournal.com]

This.