Confusion about Sexual Orientation
Feb. 6th, 2010 09:29 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vaginapaginaHi everyone. I hope this question is appropriate here. Just an FYI: I'm posting under a sockpuppet account.
I don't really have anyone to turn for this, so I was wondering if anyone could offer me some words of wisdom or advice. It would be very appreciated.
So... I am now aware of feelings that have been latent for a long time. I've come to terms with the fact that I am very interested in women, both sexually and romantically. In the past, whenever these feelings arose, I would suppress them. For example, in the past, my boyfriend has playfully brought up the idea of having a threesome with another woman. Having considered it, I would think, "Gee, that sounds great, as long as he wasn't part of the equation." I've passively expressed attraction to women to him and others, who have responded with displeasure. Shame from this has made me not consider it any further. But now that I am conscious of these feelings, I feel a little liberated but mostly very confused.
These feelings emerged when I was watching a movie that had a lesbian sex scene. (NB: I haven't watched porn in years so girl-on-girl sex is something I haven't seen a lot of.) I was taken aback by how aroused I was by it and have since been fantasizing about women, which is new for me. In the past, I've always tried to fantasize about my boyfriend. Now, the idea of being sexual with a woman, and even in a relationship with one, seems very appealing and exciting. I've developed a visceral urge to be with a woman.
Some background: I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly four years now. We have been in a long-distance relationship for three of these years (we see each other once or twice a month). Our relationship has been sexually unfulfilling for me. He has never made me orgasm. Our sex life is very PIV-centric. Don't get me wrong, we have had good sex, but I am often left needing more (most of the time, after we have sex, I embarrassingly masturbate to orgasm while he plays on the computer). It pains me to say this, but after we're doing having sex, I often feeling used. In general, I am disastifised with certain aspects of our relationship, but I've stuck with him because he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and I find that very attractive. I also know he cares a great deal about me.
These newly realized feelings are in a sense upsetting to me because I'm not sure where they've come from. I'm not sure if they're innate, or maybe due to how sexualized women are in our society? Maybe they've come about simply because i'm not sexually fulfilled in my current relationship. I don't know.
All I know is that I have a very strong desire to be with a woman. I want to know if it's right for me. I don't know how to go about doing this. I know that there's a lot of stigma against bisexuals, even from the gay community. I know that lesbians don't want to be treated like some sort of experiment, which is completely understandable. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel used.
This is already "TL;DR" material, sorry. If anyone could provide any insight or advice into my situation, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks. :)
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sextips
I don't really have anyone to turn for this, so I was wondering if anyone could offer me some words of wisdom or advice. It would be very appreciated.
So... I am now aware of feelings that have been latent for a long time. I've come to terms with the fact that I am very interested in women, both sexually and romantically. In the past, whenever these feelings arose, I would suppress them. For example, in the past, my boyfriend has playfully brought up the idea of having a threesome with another woman. Having considered it, I would think, "Gee, that sounds great, as long as he wasn't part of the equation." I've passively expressed attraction to women to him and others, who have responded with displeasure. Shame from this has made me not consider it any further. But now that I am conscious of these feelings, I feel a little liberated but mostly very confused.
These feelings emerged when I was watching a movie that had a lesbian sex scene. (NB: I haven't watched porn in years so girl-on-girl sex is something I haven't seen a lot of.) I was taken aback by how aroused I was by it and have since been fantasizing about women, which is new for me. In the past, I've always tried to fantasize about my boyfriend. Now, the idea of being sexual with a woman, and even in a relationship with one, seems very appealing and exciting. I've developed a visceral urge to be with a woman.
Some background: I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly four years now. We have been in a long-distance relationship for three of these years (we see each other once or twice a month). Our relationship has been sexually unfulfilling for me. He has never made me orgasm. Our sex life is very PIV-centric. Don't get me wrong, we have had good sex, but I am often left needing more (most of the time, after we have sex, I embarrassingly masturbate to orgasm while he plays on the computer). It pains me to say this, but after we're doing having sex, I often feeling used. In general, I am disastifised with certain aspects of our relationship, but I've stuck with him because he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and I find that very attractive. I also know he cares a great deal about me.
These newly realized feelings are in a sense upsetting to me because I'm not sure where they've come from. I'm not sure if they're innate, or maybe due to how sexualized women are in our society? Maybe they've come about simply because i'm not sexually fulfilled in my current relationship. I don't know.
All I know is that I have a very strong desire to be with a woman. I want to know if it's right for me. I don't know how to go about doing this. I know that there's a lot of stigma against bisexuals, even from the gay community. I know that lesbians don't want to be treated like some sort of experiment, which is completely understandable. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel used.
This is already "TL;DR" material, sorry. If anyone could provide any insight or advice into my situation, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks. :)
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sextips
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Date: 2010-02-07 08:31 am (UTC)This is hard, though, and can include a lot of risk-taking, because most of us are raised in a heteronormative world were any sort of same-sex attraction is often coded as "wrong" or "bad". Thankfully this is changing, and a lot of people can have great lives as queer, but it would be naive to assume that getting there is equally easy for everyone.
The thing to remember, is that there is no *right* answer. You don't need to figure out right now whether you're straight or gay. You probably aren't one or the other. It's also entirely possible that even though your current relationship were to end soon, you might still want to continue dating guys, or even if you dated girls for a few years you'd want to go back to guys for a while, or mix it up... and the stigma against bisexuals? total bs. Those who believe that are still operating within a gender binary, where you can be either straight or gay, which is absolutely ridiculous, and that should definitely not be enough of a reason to keep you from exploring this side of yourself. Really, the idea that "you're not gay enough" is something that people have to learn to let go of. For example, I've called myself a lesbian for 5 years now, and have exclusively dated girls for this time, although I dated guys before that. But now I think I would like to try to date a guy again... and it almost seems like that is more of a big deal to others than coming out in the first place was! That was like "oh, you're realised you're gay, congrats!" but it's like I only get one chance... "what, you already used your card! you can't change *again*!" which is again, ridiculous, because if *I*'m okay with it, why shouldn't others be. I never said I was 100% gay... anyway, this is getting too long.
So basically, it's time to do some soul searching! Try to think about what *you* want, rather than what others or what society would want you to do. Because let's face it, society is all about putting us into boxes that may or may not work for us. :)