(TW) Update on my sister's child abuse case

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Hello VPers.

I wanted to give an update about my nephew's child abuse case. I called child services today to get an update on the case. The person in charge of the investigation told me that they had closed the case due to lack of evidence. I am so, so upset. The person basically told me that I was the only person who had come forward and that everyone else had said that it wasn't that bad, and/or they hadn't seen anything. I was made to feel like I was almost making it up, to cause trouble. The person was like, "Well, no one else has corroborated your story, so..."

I don't know what else I can do, VPers. I tried, and now I feel like I have failed my nephew and it just makes me ill. I am already under so much stress from the whole thing, and then just to be told that there was no case basically because there were no marks or bruises just makes me feel awful. She won't get the help she needs, and my nephew still has to live with her...and...it's awful. I feel like I haven't made the slightest difference. 

Wow, I'm sorry...this kind of turned into a pity party for me, and I didn't mean it that way. I just feel so bad, and scared for my nephew. What more can I possibly do? There is no way on earth I will ever be allowed to see my nephew or niece again after this, so I've lost them...therefore I have lost my ability to protect them and nurture them. I am sad. 

Comments

[gryphonwing.livejournal.com]

Oh damn. :( **hugs**

The silver lining here is that if there's another complaint, from someone else, this will be on record - and the next complaint will be taken more seriously than it would otherwise.

Sometimes when you've done what you can to take care of others, you need to focus on taking care of yourself. **hugs**

[slinkslowdown.livejournal.com]

everyone else had said that it wasn't that bad

Any amount of abuse is bad and unacceptable, there's no such thing as It's not that bad. :(

[nightchild01.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it but I'm really not surprised at the result. You did what you could, you can at least tell yourself that. And what the other poster said about how if someone else makes an accusation against them it will be taken more seriously is also true. However, unfortunately, CPS can't really do much unless more than one person comes forward about child abuse accusations or there's serious injury or pictures/video of the abuse taking place.

You still did a good thing for your nephew.

[lurkerwisp.livejournal.com]

That's not entirely true. It really depends on the attitude of the social worker toward what the claimed abuse is, and I suspect the age of the child and relationship to the person making the claim.

All it took for my aunt to lose her adopted daughter was her evil ex-husband claiming in the divorce papers that she had shaken the baby. CPS came and took the child immediately, and though the claim was proven to be false she never saw the girl again.

[drownophelia.livejournal.com]

It also depends on the jurisdiction, and their present climate. If there's been a situation recently in the department where a family was investigated, the case was closed, and soon after a child is seriously injured or dies, then the department will often become very vigilant, and more like to remove children. If there has been a recent case where a family was investigated, and a child was removed and something happened to the child while in protective custody or foster care, they'll swing back towards keeping a child with its parents. It's frustrating, and its complicated.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

You did the best thing you knew how to do...and that's all you can ask of yourself.

Are you sure your sister won't let you see your nephew anymore? Will you hear second hand about things that happen? You may be able to still call and make a report if you were to hear of something again in the future. The other thing you might consider is giving other people in their life a heads up. I don't know if the kids go to school or anything, but if there are any mandated reporters involved you could just let them know that you have seem abuse and that they should keep their eyes open.

Please, know that you did the right thing. If nothing else, you sent the message that child abuse is not ok - and that's important. It may help your nephew to just know (some day) that someone DID speak up for him. That's important.

[aylaelphaba.livejournal.com]

I second this - speak with his teachers, with anyone who will listen. Don't teachers have a legal obligation to report suspected abuse?

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

They do. That doesn't necessarily mean that they have to report abuse that a) has already been reported and b) is only known to them through hearsay. But if they had noticed anything that seemed off, hearing from the OP might push them towards reporting. Or they can at least keep their eyes open to see if there is anything that raises eyebrows in the future.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

If I remember my mandatory reporter training correctly, we actually can't report hearsay unless it's in the context of firsthand observations.

Personally, if a student's relative told me your story, I would definitely be watching the student more carefully.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Probably varies from state to state? I don't really know. I expect that in my county at least, it would be tough to get the hotline worker to take a report that was second hand. Plus if the incidents in question have already been reported and investigated there's really nothing else they could do.

[leeshers.livejournal.com]

Not sure where you are at but in CA most of us err on the side of report everything, just in case.

We have a saying at my work, "its my job to report it, its their job to investigate it" just meaning that we report pretty much everything and let those people who are more trained in abuse specifics do the digging into each situation.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

I just flipped back through the training documents available online (which isn't the entire training) and can't find anything that corroborates my memory. The only thing I could find was specific to using the secondhand information in court. So I guess I'm wrong about "can't report hearsay". The CPS person might not take the hearsay under the same level of scrutiny as a firsthand report, but that's not under my purview.

And yes, I have the "when in doubt, report" philosophy. I just thought I remembered something about how CPS would not find a secondhand report legitimate unless I had also found evidence--or if the secondhand came from a child himself. ("My brother told me...")

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

This is what I was thinking, too. Go to the teachers, let them know that you filed a complaint, express how worried you are, and ask them to be very vigilant and check in with the child. Also, if the child was interviewed by child protective services, he may have been afraid to speak up to a stranger, but he may feel more comfortable reporting to his teacher, who he already has a relationship with.

OP, you did the right thing. I'm so sorry that it turned out this way, but you started the file. The optimist in me says that it's possible that the visit may have scared your sister and it's possible that she will back off on the abuse. If that's not the case, at least the agency has the information so that any future case is that much stronger, and your information is there as a supportive relative.

[aylaelphaba.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that! I can't believe the agency would just drop the case because only one person witnessed the abuse! Isn't one enough?!

Is there a different agency or organization you could contact?

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

If they couldn't find any evidence to corroborate the claims, then no, one isn't enough.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

They didn't just drop it - they investigated it, as they are required to, and found no other evidence. (One form of evidence they would have looked for is people who could share observations).

[sabishii-kirito.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Sadly, cps is a joke in many jurisdictions. I was taken away twice because of my mom's ex, eventhough he wasn't living with us anymore and we both had restraining orders against him. The second time, I was taken away when I called the cops on him for breaking into our house. Meanwhile, our across-the-street neighbor who was on crack and molested his daughters (possiby son as well--his suicide note alluded to some stuff apparently) didn't even warrant a case worker visiting their house despite the poor living conditions (the house was literally leaning at an angle, and there was cat poop everywhere).

I'm sorry that it seems that you're in a similar, POS jurisdiction. I was really hoping that things would turn out for your nephew. It's really angering, especially the "not really bad/not bad enough" attitude. Really? Abuse is abuse is abuse, and if you see anything, it's going to be worse when you aren't there to see it (directed not at you).

Please keep an eye on him if at all possible. I'm not a praying person at all, but I'm really hoping/wishing that he gets out of that situation. It's not your fault at all; you did what you legally could. If you took him yourself, you'd be arrested. Then possibly no one would be there who actually cares. You are doing everything that you can, so please don't beat yourself up.

[archangelbeth]

I don't know what kind of investigation went on, and this is most definitely a crappy thing to do that can only cause family resentment in the short term (and maybe the long term), but it is possible you might bluff your sister with, "If you don't let me see my nephew and niece at least occasionally, I will call child services on you again." I'd use that as a last resort, if at all.

If the kid has any other caregivers, especially daycare or kindergarten, then definitely alert them that you saw that and ask them to be extra-vigilant.

*hugs*

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid that I might have made everything worse. I just talked to my mom, who confessed that she did talk to the cps workers and told them that she didn't see anything. She also said that the other things she had seen weren't that bad. She told them that she's seen them make him stand in a corner with his hands up on the wall for a long time, for misbehaving. She told me that she told them these things, but apparently it wasn't enough. I don't even know. My mom is rather upset at me right now for the whole reporting thing anyway. She said it was my fault this whole thing happened for a "simple pop on the tummy". Now I feel like I have irrevocably broken things because I reported. No one else is taking it seriously...I am starting to feel as if I am crazy. Where were the people who said they've seen things too? Why didn't they tell them what they saw? When will it be "bad" enough to warrant help from them? I am caught in the middle and so devastated right now. I feel like I am the only person who even tried to do the right thing. I'm still getting crap from my mom about what happened on Thanksgiving, and my sister is the one who not only started it, but reported it! My mom says it's very selfish of my husband to want to press charges against her, and she maintains that what my sister has been doing is not that bad, and that "all parents do it." This is really causing me some serious anxiety here. IDEK. I...just....argh.

[nickelshoe.livejournal.com]

Perhaps the fact that you took it seriously will mean something to your sister.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

((()))

It's really hard...a lot of things that are clearly inappropriate parenting are not considered abuse. For better or for worse, parents have a lot of latitude about how they treat their children. And yeah...standing him in the corner like that would not be enough for CPS to mandate anything, at least not based on what I've seen. It has to be pretty bad (from what I've seen, very physically dangerous to a child) before CPS can force parents to do anything at all, and of course if they can't find for sure that it is very dangerous, they can't legally require anything.

But, you are NOT CRAZY. Children should not be treated like that...they just shouldn't. You're trapped in a system kind of like the one at Penn State. You know how there was all that outcry - "how come no one ever said anything!?" Well, no one ever said anything because that system works the same as a lot of family systems. Abuse embedded within a whole lot of denial and unwillingness to admit the problem...not just on the part of the abuser. You are not crazy though - you are the one who is thinking clearly about this.

[archangelbeth]

Your mom is aiding and abetting someone who was out of control enough to attack your husband. ...I would read youarenotcrazy.com, just in case you have anyone in your family who is prone to gaslighting everyone.

For what it's worth, I'd personally press charges, so that it was also on her record if anyone else sees an abusive behavior and can report it.

And if you can find any support groups... You deserve support too.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you both. I will definitely look up the meaning of "gaslighting" and look around youarenotcrazy.com. I do think it's time I start thinking of myself too, and maybe finding stories similar to mine might help. I will just continue to do what I can. Thanks again.

[kaberett.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me as though what's going on for you is not dissimilar to gaslighting (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting), even if it's not intentional.

You are not making this up and you did do the right thing.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Also, I wanted to thank you all for your words of encouragement. I am deeply grateful.

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

It will be hard, but I think the best thing to do would be to cut ties with your family - for now. You can't win in this situation and your mother is being selfish and manipulative by not backing your play AND trying to convince your husband to not file charges against your sister. She physically attacked your husband. That's way more drama than anyone should have to deal with. You did what you thought was right for your nephew and that's all you can really do for now. Listen, no one should get a pass for treating you like shit just because they are family. For your own sanity it may be best to give them all a wide birth. Focus on your own life and make that what you want it to be - that is totally in your control. The rest is out of your hands unfortunately. :/

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Um. That's a pretty extreme piece of advice.

OP, whether or not to cut ties with family is a huge decision and a very very personal one. Please don't feel like you are doing anything wrong by choosing not to cut ties (or by choosing to, if you ever do.) It's not necessarily "giving them a pass" if you want to continue having your family in your life. It's also totally ok if you need some space from them for a short or long period of time.

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

It is extreme, but she may find that it is what is best for her. Most people wouldn't cut their abusive and manipulative families out of their lives and they can't be faulted for that - it's all they know. OP came here looking for support and advice. Its really all about her life and what she is comfortable with. I'm just letting her know it's okay for her to get off the roller coaster.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

You didn't say she "may" find it helpful though - you said you thought it would be the best thing for her to do. You're right, she may find it helpful, or she may not. In the end, it's a really complex decision, and I wanted to reflect back to you and to the OP that there are a lot of options. It's not obvious that she should do that (and given that she is being undermined by her family, I think it's important to be empowering of whatever she thinks is best for herself.)

Most people don't cut their abusive families out of their lives...and it's not only because it's all they know. There are lots of reasons. Family is important, and sometimes even when they are abusive it is better to have them around than not.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to suggest that it might be best to word advice more cautiously, especially when it is something that is kind of a big deal and a VERY personal decision. Saying "I think it would be best if you did this..." is different than saying "If you did want to do this, it would be ok, and you might find it helpful..."

[OP, I'm sorry for being all over this post. It's a combo of an issue I care a lot about, and me being sick and stuck in front of the computer. I hope I havent been a PITA.]

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

OP seems to have gotten what I was trying to say without being offended and she doesn't think that's the right thing for her - which is perfectly fine. Who doesn't have a lot of history with family drama? What works for some people in handling a situation may not work for all. That should be implied. You have a nice evening.

[ponta1anime.livejournal.com]

One thing I've learned about this community- there is no such thing as "implied" or "assumed" in a safe space. No one should assume that anyone is going to get exactly what they mean if it is worded aggressively or ambiguously, and no one should assume that other people's situations in any way mirror their own. I've found the best way to give advice in a place like this is as a suggestion, not in commanding or definitive language. While some people can deal with that language fine, others may find it offensive, offputting, or make the situation even more difficult. We are supposed to respect ALL of those potential reactions here by watching how we say things in addition to what we are saying.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Although I do see where you are coming from...my family does mean a lot to me and I wouldn't want to cut ties with them. My sister, on the other hand, I have already cut ties with, so that is no problem. I just don't want my family to be torn apart. I guess I just need to forget about everything for now, and know that there is nothing more I can do. I guess I'll just testify when her assault trial comes up. Thank you all for all of your help!

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

Good for you for testifying. It's perfectly okay to not cut ties with the rest of your family - or even her if you decided to bury the hatchet. Like everyone else in the world I'm no stranger to family drama! (no, really, like some Jerry Springer shit! :p) I have a sister that I don't speak to because she's just trouble and for myself I just don't need it. You do what you think is best. You'll be okay.

[archangelbeth]

It occurs to me... If you will have access to the prosecution lawyer, could you perhaps suggest that s/he suggest (to the Judge) that your sister take Anger Management classes of some kind? It is directly relevant to the assault, but if it worked, it might trickle down to her kids, too.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

Also, does CPS/the lawyer/anyone else know that the boyfriend is abusive and manipulative? This shouldn't be forgotten in the grand scheme of things.

Not that it would necessarily add weight to the child abuse case; I was often put in the care of my father, who was abusive to my mom.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

This is a good idea, and I will for sure do that. Thanks!

[storychick.livejournal.com]

Keep this in mind -- one report doesn't make a track record. But if she gets reported again -- and she will, if she keeps it up -- then there is a history there. After 2 or maybe 3 reports, there is corroboration. And in the meantime, she knows she is being watched, so she may well be on better behavior. Please don't think you failed, you did the right thing and it is unfortunate it played out the way it did, but that wasn't in your control. You did what you could do, and can hold your head high because of it.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with backlash from your family. Sometimes people don't like what they see in other people's eyes, but that is on them, not you. You can be confident and know you did right, and they are just feeling guilty because they can't.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

Absolutely this.

Also, you've planted a seed in your sister's mind, that maybe her actions aren't justifiable or okay. Perhaps this seed will grow and she'll either change or get help.

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

This is true, I know my cousins parents were alot more careful and less physically abusive towards her after someone reported them to children's aid and they were arrested, but unfortunately the system F'ing sucks! These children are trapped, they get taken away from their parents to end up in foster care and possibly a worse situation or they eventually get returned to the parents and the parents claim to have changed, but really they're just more careful, but still emotionally abusive. Still every little bit helps.

Have you tried suggesting to your sister that she seek counseling? Sorry I don' tknow the background story to this case, I'm just jumping in now.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I take each and every nugget of advice I get from ya'll and take it to heart. I may not always agree, but I take it in the spirit in which it was intended, and I appreciate it all.

[killertatertots.livejournal.com]

do you know anyone else that for sure saw things happen? call them and lay it out, explain that they need to grow a conscience and call in.

[rosehustle1.livejournal.com]

You haven't failed him, the rest of the family has. You did a brave thing and tried to protect a little boy. I'm sure when he grows up he'll remember that you were there for him when no one else was. He'll probably feel betrayed by the other adults but he'll trust you.
My advice would be to record everything you see take place. Write down dates and times and thorough descriptions. Also if you could secretly record some of these violent encounters you would have more concrete evidence. I suggest you also contact a child abuse advocate who can steer you in the right legal direction. Do not give up.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)