(TW) Update on my sister's child abuse case

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Hello VPers.

I wanted to give an update about my nephew's child abuse case. I called child services today to get an update on the case. The person in charge of the investigation told me that they had closed the case due to lack of evidence. I am so, so upset. The person basically told me that I was the only person who had come forward and that everyone else had said that it wasn't that bad, and/or they hadn't seen anything. I was made to feel like I was almost making it up, to cause trouble. The person was like, "Well, no one else has corroborated your story, so..."

I don't know what else I can do, VPers. I tried, and now I feel like I have failed my nephew and it just makes me ill. I am already under so much stress from the whole thing, and then just to be told that there was no case basically because there were no marks or bruises just makes me feel awful. She won't get the help she needs, and my nephew still has to live with her...and...it's awful. I feel like I haven't made the slightest difference. 

Wow, I'm sorry...this kind of turned into a pity party for me, and I didn't mean it that way. I just feel so bad, and scared for my nephew. What more can I possibly do? There is no way on earth I will ever be allowed to see my nephew or niece again after this, so I've lost them...therefore I have lost my ability to protect them and nurture them. I am sad. 

Comments

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

It will be hard, but I think the best thing to do would be to cut ties with your family - for now. You can't win in this situation and your mother is being selfish and manipulative by not backing your play AND trying to convince your husband to not file charges against your sister. She physically attacked your husband. That's way more drama than anyone should have to deal with. You did what you thought was right for your nephew and that's all you can really do for now. Listen, no one should get a pass for treating you like shit just because they are family. For your own sanity it may be best to give them all a wide birth. Focus on your own life and make that what you want it to be - that is totally in your control. The rest is out of your hands unfortunately. :/

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Um. That's a pretty extreme piece of advice.

OP, whether or not to cut ties with family is a huge decision and a very very personal one. Please don't feel like you are doing anything wrong by choosing not to cut ties (or by choosing to, if you ever do.) It's not necessarily "giving them a pass" if you want to continue having your family in your life. It's also totally ok if you need some space from them for a short or long period of time.

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

It is extreme, but she may find that it is what is best for her. Most people wouldn't cut their abusive and manipulative families out of their lives and they can't be faulted for that - it's all they know. OP came here looking for support and advice. Its really all about her life and what she is comfortable with. I'm just letting her know it's okay for her to get off the roller coaster.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

You didn't say she "may" find it helpful though - you said you thought it would be the best thing for her to do. You're right, she may find it helpful, or she may not. In the end, it's a really complex decision, and I wanted to reflect back to you and to the OP that there are a lot of options. It's not obvious that she should do that (and given that she is being undermined by her family, I think it's important to be empowering of whatever she thinks is best for herself.)

Most people don't cut their abusive families out of their lives...and it's not only because it's all they know. There are lots of reasons. Family is important, and sometimes even when they are abusive it is better to have them around than not.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to suggest that it might be best to word advice more cautiously, especially when it is something that is kind of a big deal and a VERY personal decision. Saying "I think it would be best if you did this..." is different than saying "If you did want to do this, it would be ok, and you might find it helpful..."

[OP, I'm sorry for being all over this post. It's a combo of an issue I care a lot about, and me being sick and stuck in front of the computer. I hope I havent been a PITA.]

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

OP seems to have gotten what I was trying to say without being offended and she doesn't think that's the right thing for her - which is perfectly fine. Who doesn't have a lot of history with family drama? What works for some people in handling a situation may not work for all. That should be implied. You have a nice evening.

[ponta1anime.livejournal.com]

One thing I've learned about this community- there is no such thing as "implied" or "assumed" in a safe space. No one should assume that anyone is going to get exactly what they mean if it is worded aggressively or ambiguously, and no one should assume that other people's situations in any way mirror their own. I've found the best way to give advice in a place like this is as a suggestion, not in commanding or definitive language. While some people can deal with that language fine, others may find it offensive, offputting, or make the situation even more difficult. We are supposed to respect ALL of those potential reactions here by watching how we say things in addition to what we are saying.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Although I do see where you are coming from...my family does mean a lot to me and I wouldn't want to cut ties with them. My sister, on the other hand, I have already cut ties with, so that is no problem. I just don't want my family to be torn apart. I guess I just need to forget about everything for now, and know that there is nothing more I can do. I guess I'll just testify when her assault trial comes up. Thank you all for all of your help!

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

Good for you for testifying. It's perfectly okay to not cut ties with the rest of your family - or even her if you decided to bury the hatchet. Like everyone else in the world I'm no stranger to family drama! (no, really, like some Jerry Springer shit! :p) I have a sister that I don't speak to because she's just trouble and for myself I just don't need it. You do what you think is best. You'll be okay.

[archangelbeth]

It occurs to me... If you will have access to the prosecution lawyer, could you perhaps suggest that s/he suggest (to the Judge) that your sister take Anger Management classes of some kind? It is directly relevant to the assault, but if it worked, it might trickle down to her kids, too.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

Also, does CPS/the lawyer/anyone else know that the boyfriend is abusive and manipulative? This shouldn't be forgotten in the grand scheme of things.

Not that it would necessarily add weight to the child abuse case; I was often put in the care of my father, who was abusive to my mom.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

This is a good idea, and I will for sure do that. Thanks!