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Those of you who are bisexual - do you family and friends know? how did you tell them?
I'm having a tough time trying to aknowledge strong feelings I have for another female and I really want to explore this situation further. I have been with a girl several years ago but it was just a one night only thing. I enjoyed the experience but find myself attracted to men more often than women..so I'm really confused. The hardest part is none of my family or friends know and I wouldn't even know how to break the news (if I did pursue some kind of relationship).
Sorry if this is off topic :-/
I'm having a tough time trying to aknowledge strong feelings I have for another female and I really want to explore this situation further. I have been with a girl several years ago but it was just a one night only thing. I enjoyed the experience but find myself attracted to men more often than women..so I'm really confused. The hardest part is none of my family or friends know and I wouldn't even know how to break the news (if I did pursue some kind of relationship).
Sorry if this is off topic :-/
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Date: 2011-02-27 05:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 05:04 am (UTC)Seems we're in the same boat though! (Well except that I've never been with a woman) I'm primarily attracted to men and have been in relationships with men and would like to end up with a man, but I'd also like to be with a woman one day..but not really for a relationship. So i'm confused too :-/
Just wanted to show support and solidarity *hugs*
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Date: 2011-02-27 05:09 am (UTC)Unless you want to start defining yourself as bisexual, there's no rush to put a label on things, especially since it can be really disconcerting to start feeling something out of the ordinary for you. No loving friend or family member worth their salt should judge you for liking who you like, regardless of their gender.
I hope things with the lady work out well, along with everything else. Good luck :)
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Date: 2011-02-27 05:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 07:40 am (UTC)You should do what you want to do. It's different with girls because, in my experience and in the experience of those around me, the emotions are far more intense. But regardless of that, confusion is ok too. I think you should just go with it, feel it out. If you want to date then go for it! If not that's cool too :)
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Date: 2011-02-27 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 05:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 05:22 pm (UTC)I think that any parent who's doing it right should pretty much just be happy that their kid trusts them enough to share this part of their identity, you know?
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Date: 2011-02-27 05:22 am (UTC)I thought my friends knew, but apparently some of them didn't because I started talking about a new girl this past summer, and some of them were a little freaked out at first.
I feel as though I should also mention I'm getting married to a male this summer also, and I always knew I wanted to end up with a male as a life partner for the baby making aspect but if it happened to be a woman I fell for I wouldn't be disapointed.
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Date: 2011-02-27 05:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 11:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 09:28 pm (UTC)I tried to keep an open mind, not looking for a guy or a girl just dating whomever I liked at the time. Until I met this guy and knew he was right for me, right away (and he let me date women until I decided not to, while being in a relationship with him, unopen on his side, which helped me to not feel trapped or anything).
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Date: 2011-02-27 06:06 am (UTC)Telling my parents that I was dating a guy, especially someone I felt rather serious about, was quite difficult. I put it off for as long as I could, and then I called my dad to tell him first. I didn't know how to tell my mom, and wanted his advice. The topic started when I told him all in one breath that I was dating someone and I wanted him to know. He asked if the person was a guy or a girl, and was totally cool with the answer. Apparently there are members of our extended family who have moved along the Kinsey scale, and he didn't mind one bit. He helped me by telling Mom, who was more freaked out about my upcoming iud and the fact I was sexually active (at 28), than the gender of the person.
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Date: 2011-02-27 06:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 06:11 am (UTC)About me: I identify as queer because I like all sorts of people. I don't believe in a strict gender binary, which is why I don't say I'm bisexual. I have dated women, men, transmen, gender-queer and gender variant people. I find that I am more often sexually attracted to women but romantically date about equally. I would prefer to be in a long term partnership and co-parenting with a woman but that doesn't stop me from dating anyone that strikes my fancy. As for friends and family, I'm very out. I lost some friends (not real friends, obvs) in the beginning and now I have a great circle of queer and ally friends. Most of my family is perfectly okay with it, with the exception of some of the older folks. Doesn't make me any less out and loud around them. Pretty much cut off from one grandparent because of it.
Good luck and have fun on your journey! One thing I wish I could have told my younger self was not to worry too much about labels and fluidity and just relax and enjoy learning more about what I liked.
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Date: 2011-02-27 06:38 am (UTC)I'm not sure there's any reason to tell anyone in your family unless you really want to or you're dating a girl(s) longterm. I think your best bet if you DO pursue something is to break it to them like it's a a surprise to you, like you fell in love with her because of who she is as a person even though you're normally attracted to guys (which sounds like it's the case here, anyways). That might be easier for them to accept.
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Date: 2011-02-27 06:52 am (UTC)I tend to lean towards men though. I've been with women though and enjoyed the experience, but I usually date men and I have feeling I'll end up with a man.
Now I don't know what to label myself as though. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense XD
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Date: 2011-02-27 07:25 am (UTC)But you know what? Don't be afraid of what you feel. I know this sounds cheesy, but it's true: don't be afraid of who you are. You shouldn't have to be.
How open-minded are your family and friends? Do you think you can predict how they'll react if you were to be honest?
And you'll always have a support system here, too. Just know that!
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Date: 2011-02-27 06:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 11:24 am (UTC)Dad I am not planning on telling any time soon. Him and mum are divorced, and he is massively homophobic, and I kind of need money from him to get through uni and want to give him no reason to disown me. I have no idea if he would or not, but considering his response when he found out about the boyfriend was "at least it's not a girlfriend", I am not raising my hopes. In fact, I think I would only tell him if I ended up marrying a girl.
My friends: if none of them know, it is because they are deaf and blind rather than anything else. I am very open with my ex being a girl, with attending LGBTA run things, with saying that girls are hot if I think they are, etc. I am not quite so good at correcting people if they assume I am straight, but I am getting better.
However, there are a group of people that I don't really know well enough to class them as friends, but get on well enough with to not class them as mere acquaintances. Bizarrely, it's them I find it the most difficult to be out with. Case in point: I was asked recently if my boyfriend was my first boyfriend. Technically the answer is yes (unless you count the boyfriend I had when I was five) but I also have an ex girlfriend, and it is this group of people that I find it most awkward to mention her to. Perfect strangers I don't care about, because they are strangers, and my friends accept me for who I am (even the quietly homophobic one). But this middle group... I care about what they think about me but don't know them well enough to judge what their reaction might be.
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Date: 2011-02-27 02:42 pm (UTC)My friends and co-workers pick up on it slowly, but I wear my rainbows with pride nowadays (used to feel I didn't have a place wearing pride items when I had heterosexual priviledge by my appearance and het relationship at the time) and that tends to let people know I'm at least comfortable talking about orientation.
Good luck to you, remember labels are good starting points and suggestions, they're not boxes you should try and force yourself into. It's more common to be attracted to mostly men or mostly women, bisexuality is not 50/50 men/women most of the time.
Try and just tell them you're dating a woman...and if they ask 'so, you're gay now?' just say no, you date men and women...putting it that way rather than using the bisexual label (which can be culturally loaded) might help.
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Date: 2011-02-27 03:18 pm (UTC)I am, again, married to a man now, and don't anticipate any changes to that situation so it's not something anyone else has to confront head on... except when I am vocal about not putting my children into a box. Or when I make comments about women that throw people off.
My family really just ignores it.
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Date: 2011-02-27 04:14 pm (UTC)http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674032268/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I1B34BGYRTTPMI&colid=2EKC66330BU48
Back to topic... My friends know, my parents do not. Which has just become quite difficult because I've been living with my parents and have no prospects of moving out anytime soon as my job/money situation is in the crapper with the economy... and I have met the most wonderful woman recently and been out on a couple dates with her and avoiding awkward questions is becoming increasingly difficult. I think the time to out myself is nearing. I'm just a bit nervous about it. I'm so reliant on them right now that I don't want it to go badly. Bleh.
That didn't answer your question. Don't worry right now about labeling yourself one way or the other. The confusion is totally natural. Some people are mostly attracted to one gender and then occasionally find them selves attracted to a person of another gender and that's completely common. ((studies have shown that the most vocal homophobic males are sexually aroused by photographs of male genitalia, so obviously everyone expresses their confusion in different ways ;) hahaha))
Anyway. Don't worry about your family just yet. Worry about how you feel. Do you want to date this woman? Then go for it! :)
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Date: 2011-02-27 07:32 pm (UTC)I haven't found a label that I feel comfortable using yet. Instead of trying to explain female sexual fluidity (and how I previously identified as straight but was also attracted to women, but only really saw myself "settling down" with a man) I now usually just say bisexual. I came out to my friends and family once I had been with my girlfriend for a few weeks by simply telling them that I was dating a woman.
I know every situation is unique, but I really don't think you would be "wasting" this girl's time in dating her. My girlfriend is gay and is the first person I have ever dated. She had a few concerns at first that I would want to be with a man at some point just to see what I was "missing". Though I can't be certain about my future, right now I am head-over-heels in love with her and can't imagine being with anyone else, regardless of gender.
Most importantly (in my opinion), having a woman as a life partner won't prevent you from getting married or having children or doing anything else you can imagine. So good luck, and go for it!
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Date: 2011-02-27 11:29 pm (UTC)I identify as "bi" because it's the easiest thing to tell others. It's obviously very fluid even though I'm dating a guy. I've never really been attracted to men, and have always found doing anything sexual with men really gross up until I started dating my current bf. I never had strong feelings for my ex boyfriends until I met my bf, which made a huge difference in how I see and feel about his body.
I find women more visually appealing, but harder to deal with. My one relationship with a girl did not end very well (actually I thought it ended very well, but she still refuses to speak to me over a year later, although she suggested we stop dating to preserve our friendship).
In my mind I've stopped trying to figure it out, and decided to just accept that I'm attracted to certain individuals of both sexes, but it's actually worked out pretty well, because my boyfriend is bi as well.
Anyways, good luck!
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Date: 2011-02-27 11:50 pm (UTC)1) Friends I've met in my adult life tend to know, at least if/when they become closer friends. I don't make a big effort to hide it from acquaintances, but often, the subject doesn't come up.
2) People I've known since childhood (including all family and some friends) don't. I grew up in a pretty conservative religious environment (where church was also a big part of school, family, and community) where at least the public line was that same-sex attraction was sinful. While I do think some people in this category (my mom, my sister) would be okay with this, I also worry that they'd inadvertently out me to people who would judge (my grandma, my former pastor, etc.).
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Date: 2011-02-28 12:32 am (UTC)But anyway, there's no need to tell anyone that you don't want to tell. It's your business. But if you feel like you should, or you want to, then do it! And as far as being confused, just remember that sexuality isn't black and white, it's fluid. You don't have to be gay, straight, or bisexual. Or you can be all of them (which is why I identify as pansexual).
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Date: 2011-02-28 07:07 am (UTC)I just chose to tell my mother, all unsolicited like (she's kind of the keeper of my personal tales, I usually trust that she passes the news on to my dad). I picked a point in time where I wasn't in a relationship with anyone, so it wouldn't be written off as a one-time thing, or an experiment, or anything equally derailing. And I just said there was something personal I wanted to talk to her about. The conversation didn't go very far, because she's pretty conservative about any kind of sex talk, but she was supportive and accepting (both of which I expected) and I'm glad that she knows at least that much.
The polyamory and BDSM on the other hand...
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Date: 2011-02-28 08:09 am (UTC)As for how you might "break the news" if you got involved with a woman, you could say, "I met someone awesome and we're dating. Surprisingly, it's a woman. You learn something new every day, huh?" And smile like it's no big deal. Because it's not, and if people make it a big deal, that's THEIR problem.
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Date: 2011-02-28 11:47 pm (UTC)As for friends: all my real-life friends know. Anyone who is on my LJ knows. Nobody at work knows.
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Date: 2011-03-02 05:29 pm (UTC)I'm "out", as it were, in that I don't hide it, and am happy to talk about my ex-girlfriend, one night stands, and general attraction to women (and people that don't fall on the gender binary). But because of my boyfriend, I haven't had to come out to most of my family (my parents and an aunt know, and are very conservative Christians that pretend I'm straight, as do my siblings), for which I am profoundly grateful - I don't think my grandparents would understand, and I know my other relatives would strongly disapprove.
Anyone who claims to be my friend and doesn't know that men are not, in fact, my gender of choice (boyfriend sneaked in in spite of it all) isn't actually my friend.
Try not to push yourself to a label too quickly - it sounds like you're still trying to figure this out. I came out as bisexual, and then as a lesbian, and finally settled on queer, but I still kind of wish I'd given myself more time and not tried so many labels that didn't fit!
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Date: 2011-03-03 10:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-03 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-03 10:51 pm (UTC)