bisexual

Feb. 27th, 2011 12:43 pm
[identity profile] https://users.livejournal.com/pretendworld-/ posting in [community profile] vaginapagina
Those of you who are bisexual - do you family and friends know? how did you tell them?

I'm having a tough time trying to aknowledge strong feelings I have for another female and I really want to explore this situation further. I have been with a girl several years ago but it was just a one night only thing. I enjoyed the experience but find myself attracted to men more often than women..so I'm really confused. The hardest part is none of my family or friends know and I wouldn't even know how to break the news (if I did pursue some kind of relationship).

Sorry if this is off topic :-/

Date: 2011-02-27 05:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seestarscollide.livejournal.com
Most of my friends know. My family does not know. They will likely never know as I am married to a man and have two children.

Date: 2011-02-27 05:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foureyedgirl.livejournal.com
I think I'm kinda bisexual...still don't know what my label is..it's complicated, but no one knows except for an Lj/fbook friend of mine. With the exception of my sister, my family would not be cool with it. I love them but they are very old school and set in their ways so I won't tell them even if I figure out what I am.

Seems we're in the same boat though! (Well except that I've never been with a woman) I'm primarily attracted to men and have been in relationships with men and would like to end up with a man, but I'd also like to be with a woman one day..but not really for a relationship. So i'm confused too :-/

Just wanted to show support and solidarity *hugs*

Date: 2011-02-27 05:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourbarphrase.livejournal.com
I'm queer and my family and friends all know, though I've been mostly dating guys for the past while too. My friends have never questioned it at all, probably because so many people in our group aren't quite straight, and we go to a really liberal school. When it came up with my family, I was just really casual about it because as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't have to be a big deal at all. I mentioned that I was dating someone, and that her name was x, and that I was really happy. My parents totally took it in stride - my mom did ask me "why didn't you tell me you were gay?", to which I replied "well, I'm not." She never demanded a label of me and it made my life a lot easier not to have to provide one.

Unless you want to start defining yourself as bisexual, there's no rush to put a label on things, especially since it can be really disconcerting to start feeling something out of the ordinary for you. No loving friend or family member worth their salt should judge you for liking who you like, regardless of their gender.

I hope things with the lady work out well, along with everything else. Good luck :)

Date: 2011-02-27 07:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eat-a-rainbow.livejournal.com
This is what I did too (what the commenter above you did). I don't think my Dad took it too seriously until I brought her home. I don't care that he doesn't take it too seriously though, as it doesn't really affect my life. He asked me if I was gay or not and I told him I am fortunate enough to not have to have a black and white answer to that question.

You should do what you want to do. It's different with girls because, in my experience and in the experience of those around me, the emotions are far more intense. But regardless of that, confusion is ok too. I think you should just go with it, feel it out. If you want to date then go for it! If not that's cool too :)

Date: 2011-02-27 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourbarphrase.livejournal.com
Hmm. I guess that depends more on what you both want right now in terms of a relationship - if you're both looking for short-term fun, versus if you really want to ultimately be with a man for babies etc and she's looking for long-term committment. That said, I really like what the commenter below brought up: if you fall in love with a woman and decide you want to be with her, there's no reason you can't still have a wedding and kids and a white picket fence. Might not be what you and your family initially expected, but sometimes surprises work out better than you thought they might. :)

Date: 2011-02-27 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] somniumdraconae.livejournal.com
Holy crap :) is it really that easy? I'm still nervous to have "the talk" with my parents. It is nice to read these positive stories though :)

Date: 2011-02-27 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourbarphrase.livejournal.com
It can be, but then again I also have really awesome parents that took me to the Toronto pride parade every year when I was in elementary & early high school, even though they're straight as arrows and didn't have any idea about me at that point. So I'm pretty lucky. :P

I think that any parent who's doing it right should pretty much just be happy that their kid trusts them enough to share this part of their identity, you know?

Date: 2011-02-27 05:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elephantus45.livejournal.com
I am pretty sure my parents knew my whole life that I liked girls. Well at least since I was 11 or so. I've only ever had one girlfriend and she did meet my parents but I never introduced her as my 'girlfriend' or partner or anything. So its something we don't really talk about, but I don't feel the need to talk to them about it either.

I thought my friends knew, but apparently some of them didn't because I started talking about a new girl this past summer, and some of them were a little freaked out at first.

I feel as though I should also mention I'm getting married to a male this summer also, and I always knew I wanted to end up with a male as a life partner for the baby making aspect but if it happened to be a woman I fell for I wouldn't be disapointed.

Date: 2011-02-27 11:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arkeiryn.livejournal.com
You could argue that I am "wasting" my boyfriend's time. I am primarily attracted to women (ranging from about 55/45 girls/guys to 90/10, depending on the day and my mood). And yet there is no way I am giving him up for the world. Ultimately, whether you are primarily attracted to girls or guys, it's the person that matters the most, rather than their genitalia. If you love a girl enough, you will find a way to have the wedding and babies and all that stuff, despite her lack of a penis and sperm (assuming a cis-gendered woman, not a trans-gendered one).

Date: 2011-02-27 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elephantus45.livejournal.com
I think you just have to be open with her. Some relationships are not always meant to be finding your life partner but ment for fun. Sorry if that sounds weird, its early in the morning for me. There is nothing wrong with seeing where it will go with a girl but talking about how you feel is probably the biggest part (if she is definantly looking for a life partner, would that change your view on the situation? or if she just wants an fb?)

I tried to keep an open mind, not looking for a guy or a girl just dating whomever I liked at the time. Until I met this guy and knew he was right for me, right away (and he let me date women until I decided not to, while being in a relationship with him, unopen on his side, which helped me to not feel trapped or anything).

Date: 2011-02-27 06:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] knittinggoddess.livejournal.com
Well, in high school, my mom coaxed me into outing myself as bisexual, which she decided meant gay. I later identified as gay for seven years. Towards the end of my gay identification, I dated a guy, my mom found out and flipped.


Telling my parents that I was dating a guy, especially someone I felt rather serious about, was quite difficult. I put it off for as long as I could, and then I called my dad to tell him first. I didn't know how to tell my mom, and wanted his advice. The topic started when I told him all in one breath that I was dating someone and I wanted him to know. He asked if the person was a guy or a girl, and was totally cool with the answer. Apparently there are members of our extended family who have moved along the Kinsey scale, and he didn't mind one bit. He helped me by telling Mom, who was more freaked out about my upcoming iud and the fact I was sexually active (at 28), than the gender of the person.

Date: 2011-02-27 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-bone-doctor.livejournal.com
This is so interesting because it was my mom who first outed me! She brought me a newspaper clipping about a local queer youth group and said something vague about thinking I might be interested... I came out as lez for the longest time until I met a man I fell for. That confused me and everyone else. Now I just roll with it- my sexual identity is fairly fluid and that's perfectly fine!

Date: 2011-02-27 06:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-bone-doctor.livejournal.com
It's perfectly okay, and perfectly normal to be attracted to different genders unequally and in different ways. I would guess that very few people that identify as bisexual are 50% attracted to men and 50% attracted to women and equally interested in relationships and sex. Lots of people are strongly sexually attracted to people that they wouldn't necessarily want a relationship with. You can afix all types of labels if you want- you could call yourself bisexual and hetero-romantic. Or you could avoid labels altogether. You get to choose!

About me: I identify as queer because I like all sorts of people. I don't believe in a strict gender binary, which is why I don't say I'm bisexual. I have dated women, men, transmen, gender-queer and gender variant people. I find that I am more often sexually attracted to women but romantically date about equally. I would prefer to be in a long term partnership and co-parenting with a woman but that doesn't stop me from dating anyone that strikes my fancy. As for friends and family, I'm very out. I lost some friends (not real friends, obvs) in the beginning and now I have a great circle of queer and ally friends. Most of my family is perfectly okay with it, with the exception of some of the older folks. Doesn't make me any less out and loud around them. Pretty much cut off from one grandparent because of it.

Good luck and have fun on your journey! One thing I wish I could have told my younger self was not to worry too much about labels and fluidity and just relax and enjoy learning more about what I liked.

Date: 2011-02-27 06:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] systemaurora.livejournal.com
I didn't tell anyone about being bisexual except for my friends. My family all suspected I was a lesbian, even when I personally identified as bi, and it turns out they were right. I told the most accepting people (aunt and brother) that I was attracted to women without saying I thought I was bi, and then once I realised I was a lesbian rather than bi (after discovering the "magic" everyone talks about, which I thought was a lie, with a girl-- which obviously may or may not happen for you, lol) I told the moderately accepting family members (cousins, father). I have yet to tell my mom, grandma, or youngest brother, because they are the least accepting.

I'm not sure there's any reason to tell anyone in your family unless you really want to or you're dating a girl(s) longterm. I think your best bet if you DO pursue something is to break it to them like it's a a surprise to you, like you fell in love with her because of who she is as a person even though you're normally attracted to guys (which sounds like it's the case here, anyways). That might be easier for them to accept.

Date: 2011-02-27 06:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-leia-solo.livejournal.com
Well I identified as bisexual at the age of 16. I told my mom when I was in the hospital and she seemed to take it okay. But she was the only one I told in my family. My closet friends know though and have been accepting.

I tend to lean towards men though. I've been with women though and enjoyed the experience, but I usually date men and I have feeling I'll end up with a man.

Now I don't know what to label myself as though. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense XD

Date: 2011-02-27 07:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fadedelegance.livejournal.com
If it makes you feel better, sometimes I wonder about my own sexuality, as well. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but 'pretty sure' isn't 'ENTIRELY sure'. In high school, I was attracted to a couple girls, but I can only see myself being intimate with men. I can't see myself making out with a girl or having sex with a girl, but with men? Totally. So what the hell does that make me? I don't think I can label myself, either.

But you know what? Don't be afraid of what you feel. I know this sounds cheesy, but it's true: don't be afraid of who you are. You shouldn't have to be.

How open-minded are your family and friends? Do you think you can predict how they'll react if you were to be honest?

And you'll always have a support system here, too. Just know that!
Edited Date: 2011-02-27 07:27 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-02-27 06:04 pm (UTC)
ext_23531: (Default)
From: [identity profile] akashasheiress.livejournal.com
This is pretty much me, as well.

Date: 2011-02-27 11:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arkeiryn.livejournal.com
My parents: Mum knows, although I get the impression she doesn't really believe me or like it. She told me I shouldn't tell the boyfriend about my ex girlfriend, for a start, and also constantly talks as if my boyfriend is my first everything. And yes, he was the first guy I fell in love with, and the first guy I had PIV sex with, but he is not my first love. I ended up telling her as a way to stop her asking me what was wrong (I was in a bad place and self-harming, and I did not want her to find that out): she asked if it was a boy, I said no, she asked if it was a girl, I said yes and mentioned that I had a massive crush on a friend. (She then thought I was saying I was gay for a while, which I think would have been easier for her to take in, since at least I would have chosen one over the other *eyeroll*)

Dad I am not planning on telling any time soon. Him and mum are divorced, and he is massively homophobic, and I kind of need money from him to get through uni and want to give him no reason to disown me. I have no idea if he would or not, but considering his response when he found out about the boyfriend was "at least it's not a girlfriend", I am not raising my hopes. In fact, I think I would only tell him if I ended up marrying a girl.

My friends: if none of them know, it is because they are deaf and blind rather than anything else. I am very open with my ex being a girl, with attending LGBTA run things, with saying that girls are hot if I think they are, etc. I am not quite so good at correcting people if they assume I am straight, but I am getting better.

However, there are a group of people that I don't really know well enough to class them as friends, but get on well enough with to not class them as mere acquaintances. Bizarrely, it's them I find it the most difficult to be out with. Case in point: I was asked recently if my boyfriend was my first boyfriend. Technically the answer is yes (unless you count the boyfriend I had when I was five) but I also have an ex girlfriend, and it is this group of people that I find it most awkward to mention her to. Perfect strangers I don't care about, because they are strangers, and my friends accept me for who I am (even the quietly homophobic one). But this middle group... I care about what they think about me but don't know them well enough to judge what their reaction might be.

Date: 2011-02-27 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] katrina-splat.livejournal.com
Mum said something about 'people who aren't straight,' I replied with 'you know, I'm not straight.' She said 'what, are you bisexual?' I said 'no, I'm not sure, I guess I call myself queer' (which is not what I'd say now, I was still caught up in fighting the bisexual tends to mean promiscuous kind of label). Mum said 'I don't want to know' and made a face :\ I think my dad has picked up on it and has a similar 'I don't want to know' kind of thing.

My friends and co-workers pick up on it slowly, but I wear my rainbows with pride nowadays (used to feel I didn't have a place wearing pride items when I had heterosexual priviledge by my appearance and het relationship at the time) and that tends to let people know I'm at least comfortable talking about orientation.

Good luck to you, remember labels are good starting points and suggestions, they're not boxes you should try and force yourself into. It's more common to be attracted to mostly men or mostly women, bisexuality is not 50/50 men/women most of the time.

Try and just tell them you're dating a woman...and if they ask 'so, you're gay now?' just say no, you date men and women...putting it that way rather than using the bisexual label (which can be culturally loaded) might help.

Date: 2011-02-27 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mooselover13.livejournal.com
My family knows because I came out as bi right after I was married the first time. I don't know if they really took me seriously though, because we never talked about it as I had just written them letters. (Plus there was some other stuff going on besides that.)

I am, again, married to a man now, and don't anticipate any changes to that situation so it's not something anyone else has to confront head on... except when I am vocal about not putting my children into a box. Or when I make comments about women that throw people off.

My family really just ignores it.

Date: 2011-02-27 04:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] somniumdraconae.livejournal.com
It seems a great many ladies in this thread might be interested in this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674032268/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I1B34BGYRTTPMI&colid=2EKC66330BU48


Back to topic... My friends know, my parents do not. Which has just become quite difficult because I've been living with my parents and have no prospects of moving out anytime soon as my job/money situation is in the crapper with the economy... and I have met the most wonderful woman recently and been out on a couple dates with her and avoiding awkward questions is becoming increasingly difficult. I think the time to out myself is nearing. I'm just a bit nervous about it. I'm so reliant on them right now that I don't want it to go badly. Bleh.

That didn't answer your question. Don't worry right now about labeling yourself one way or the other. The confusion is totally natural. Some people are mostly attracted to one gender and then occasionally find them selves attracted to a person of another gender and that's completely common. ((studies have shown that the most vocal homophobic males are sexually aroused by photographs of male genitalia, so obviously everyone expresses their confusion in different ways ;) hahaha))

Anyway. Don't worry about your family just yet. Worry about how you feel. Do you want to date this woman? Then go for it! :)

Date: 2011-02-27 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] are-there-sheep.livejournal.com
Sexual identity can be really confusing to figure out, but I find it easier to think of the people I'm attracted to as people, not as their gender. So you're attracted to men more often than women. Right now, at this particular moment in time, you're attracted to a woman. That doesn't mean that you won't be attracted to men, or even other women, later. But you have strong feelings for this girl right now, so I say go for it!

I haven't found a label that I feel comfortable using yet. Instead of trying to explain female sexual fluidity (and how I previously identified as straight but was also attracted to women, but only really saw myself "settling down" with a man) I now usually just say bisexual. I came out to my friends and family once I had been with my girlfriend for a few weeks by simply telling them that I was dating a woman.

I know every situation is unique, but I really don't think you would be "wasting" this girl's time in dating her. My girlfriend is gay and is the first person I have ever dated. She had a few concerns at first that I would want to be with a man at some point just to see what I was "missing". Though I can't be certain about my future, right now I am head-over-heels in love with her and can't imagine being with anyone else, regardless of gender.

Most importantly (in my opinion), having a woman as a life partner won't prevent you from getting married or having children or doing anything else you can imagine. So good luck, and go for it!

Date: 2011-02-27 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] okamikaze.livejournal.com
I'm bi, and my friends know, my family kinda found out and made a huge deal out of it, so it's a sore subject.

I identify as "bi" because it's the easiest thing to tell others. It's obviously very fluid even though I'm dating a guy. I've never really been attracted to men, and have always found doing anything sexual with men really gross up until I started dating my current bf. I never had strong feelings for my ex boyfriends until I met my bf, which made a huge difference in how I see and feel about his body.

I find women more visually appealing, but harder to deal with. My one relationship with a girl did not end very well (actually I thought it ended very well, but she still refuses to speak to me over a year later, although she suggested we stop dating to preserve our friendship).

In my mind I've stopped trying to figure it out, and decided to just accept that I'm attracted to certain individuals of both sexes, but it's actually worked out pretty well, because my boyfriend is bi as well.

Anyways, good luck!

Date: 2011-02-27 11:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] frolicnaked.livejournal.com
I'm queer, and there's a pretty even split in my life regarding people who know versus people who don't:

1) Friends I've met in my adult life tend to know, at least if/when they become closer friends. I don't make a big effort to hide it from acquaintances, but often, the subject doesn't come up.

2) People I've known since childhood (including all family and some friends) don't. I grew up in a pretty conservative religious environment (where church was also a big part of school, family, and community) where at least the public line was that same-sex attraction was sinful. While I do think some people in this category (my mom, my sister) would be okay with this, I also worry that they'd inadvertently out me to people who would judge (my grandma, my former pastor, etc.).

Date: 2011-02-28 12:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] withevrylite.livejournal.com
I identify as pansexual but you can call it bisexual if you want. My friends and family know but that's probably because I'm married to another woman! ;P Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, a lot of them probably think I'm gay. I told everyone when I started dating my wife. That is, I told them that I was dating a woman. I don't remember there being a lot of questions about what that meant about my sexual orientation, thought my dad and stepmom seemed to have issues processing the fact that I used to date guys and always had a boyfriend, but now I was dating a woman (like I think they thought I was lying about my feelings/attraction for her for a while).

But anyway, there's no need to tell anyone that you don't want to tell. It's your business. But if you feel like you should, or you want to, then do it! And as far as being confused, just remember that sexuality isn't black and white, it's fluid. You don't have to be gay, straight, or bisexual. Or you can be all of them (which is why I identify as pansexual).

Date: 2011-02-28 07:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spiffychicky.livejournal.com
I identify as queer and sleep with both men and women, and have been in serious relationships with both. My friends always know pretty much immediately because we're all very open with out sexualities and relationships. But I never really knew what to do about my family. It felt very strange to "come out" as bisexual (an identification I'm not comfortable with, but that I pull out when I don't feel like explaining queerness and genderfucking and a disavowal of binary systems) to my family, probably because there's not really a script for that in our society, is there? There's a traditional gay coming out narrative that, while it obviously isn't the same for everyone, kind of gives you a place to start.

I just chose to tell my mother, all unsolicited like (she's kind of the keeper of my personal tales, I usually trust that she passes the news on to my dad). I picked a point in time where I wasn't in a relationship with anyone, so it wouldn't be written off as a one-time thing, or an experiment, or anything equally derailing. And I just said there was something personal I wanted to talk to her about. The conversation didn't go very far, because she's pretty conservative about any kind of sex talk, but she was supportive and accepting (both of which I expected) and I'm glad that she knows at least that much.

The polyamory and BDSM on the other hand...

Date: 2011-02-28 08:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tacky-tramp.livejournal.com
I've been out since the eighth grade. It wasn't a big deal to tell my parents because my mom has dated women. It's always just come up with friends, and they've been fine with it. Since I grew up in the LGBT community, I don't befriend homophobes.

As for how you might "break the news" if you got involved with a woman, you could say, "I met someone awesome and we're dating. Surprisingly, it's a woman. You learn something new every day, huh?" And smile like it's no big deal. Because it's not, and if people make it a big deal, that's THEIR problem.

Date: 2011-02-28 11:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jenn-girl.livejournal.com
I identify both as bi and queer. I go through phases where I am more or less attracted to one gender or another. I am also polyamorous. I came out as bi and poly to my parents at the same time, with my (now ex for lots of other reasons) husband. I am currently in a committed, long term, non-monogamous relationship with another woman, and have some occasional flings with men. I first tried talking to my mom about it at 16 and was kind of shot down. When I came out, I think there was a lot of denial, and I still think they hope I'll meet the "right guy" and settle down into a monogamous marriage.

As for friends: all my real-life friends know. Anyone who is on my LJ knows. Nobody at work knows.

Date: 2011-03-02 05:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stillicides.livejournal.com
I ID as queer, rather than bisexual, and have passing privilege as I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man.

I'm "out", as it were, in that I don't hide it, and am happy to talk about my ex-girlfriend, one night stands, and general attraction to women (and people that don't fall on the gender binary). But because of my boyfriend, I haven't had to come out to most of my family (my parents and an aunt know, and are very conservative Christians that pretend I'm straight, as do my siblings), for which I am profoundly grateful - I don't think my grandparents would understand, and I know my other relatives would strongly disapprove.

Anyone who claims to be my friend and doesn't know that men are not, in fact, my gender of choice (boyfriend sneaked in in spite of it all) isn't actually my friend.

Try not to push yourself to a label too quickly - it sounds like you're still trying to figure this out. I came out as bisexual, and then as a lesbian, and finally settled on queer, but I still kind of wish I'd given myself more time and not tried so many labels that didn't fit!

Date: 2011-03-03 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magicalsibylle.livejournal.com
I'm pansexual though I'll say bisexual most times as most people don't know the word 'pansexual'. I don't feel the need to tell anyone really as I don't see how that matters what body part I prefer to have around to climax (seriously) and it's nobody's business who I shag unless I'm shagging them has always been my philosophy.

Date: 2011-03-03 10:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magicalsibylle.livejournal.com
Should probably say I have passing privilege right now as well as my current partner is male and I'm female. I don't think my attitude would be any different if my partner was female. I just don't care. I'm a pretty private person anyhow.

Date: 2011-03-03 10:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magicalsibylle.livejournal.com
Last comment as I keep forgetting to answer your questions - I'll tell anyone who asks, otherwise I just live and let people draw their own conclusions. If they have a problem with what I do in my bed I don't see how their thoughts could possibly be of any interest to me. I don't care for their opinion.

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