de-sensitizing?

[lionheartedgirl.livejournal.com]

Hiya VP! I have a question about my husband and his bits. I reallllly enjoy having sex with him, really really. I somehow remember him being able to go longer than 3 minutes but I might be off. I know that for a while (since mid july/august) know we've not been able to do anything rough, or fast, because he finishes quick. I'm talking like, in in in in, finish (this is EVERY single position we try, too). And if I've given him head or a handjob before that? Forget it, it's like he gets inside me and instantly has to finish. I love him, I love having sex with him. But considering his sex drive has been/is low (we used to have sex like 3 times a day.. and it just stopped) and now we only have sex like every other day and if he finishes he doesn't want to have sex again till tomorrow and I'm left unsatisfied.. which really isn't a big deal but it kind of sucks because I feel like I'm just giving him is, and then getting nothing in return. He doesn't really like going down on me, and it's like it kills him to use a vibrator/his hand on me. All of his reluctance makes me feel unwanted and just kind of.. bleh in general. It's starting to bother me.. a lot.
Soo.. I was wondering if there was any way to desenstize him? We've tried using condoms and they don't help... and as for the other problem, well I don't know. My guess is the weight he's gained has been effecting his sex drive but it could be any number of reasons and to be blunt I've given up trying to figure it out.

Comments

[nickelshoe.livejournal.com]

Wanting sex once a day is actually not a low sex drive. It may be distressing in that it's lower than it was before, but that's still pretty frequent sex for most people. I'm not saying that to suggest you shouldn't be concerned, but that your concern should be about the change in your husband's sex drive, not the absolute amount.

I don't have a lot of advice on desensitizing. You might find that certain positions are better than others. But I don't think desensitizing him will fix the problem. You should point out as clearly as possible that you are having the kind of sex that gets him off every time and the kind that gets you off almost never. And that's not fair. Perhaps ask him how he would feel if you acted as reluctant to have PIV as he does to give you oral or manual. If there is no kind of sex that works for both of you, then you have to consider that you are sexually incompatible (even if you used to be sexually compatible). And then figure out what to do from there.

Sorry if I'm overstepping. I'm just concerned that your feeling unwanted isn't really about the fact that your husband climaxes quickly.

[lionheartedgirl.livejournal.com]

I actually thought about that - too a lot of people it isn't a low sex drive and it's normal. It was just normal for us, lol.

I can actually finish from PIV from most positions - it's just that he never lasts long enough for me to get there. It's even fairly easy to get me off - just some clit stimulation and I'm good to go! It's just getting him there that's the problem, either he doesn't last or doesn't want too.

You are most certainly not over-stepping. It is kind of an ego blow for me, however, to go from like 4 times a day, to maybe 1 in such a short amount of time and his reluctance to my girly parts is fairly aggravating. I mean he's the only guy who would ever have sex with me on my period but he can't go down on me? or touch me? really? Being exasperated makes me take a step back and I feel like I'm focusing too much on sex sometimes, but it's just so.. annoying. I can't help but feel like he doesn't want me sadly.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me less like the issue is his fastness, and more like the issue is his unwillingness to please you after he has had an orgasm. Have you two sat down and had a serious talk about how it makes you feel, and that you really need him to make sure you have a satisfying experience?

[sullenduchess.livejournal.com]

I don't know how much your husband worries about coming so quickly, but I know that the fear of premature ejaculation was actually what was causing my boyfriend to come so quickly for a while. If he's worried about it, maybe talk to him and let him know that he should just relax and not freak out about it. How is his sleeping? Sleep deprivation is also a major factor in coming quickly.

I'd have to agree with the other comments, however, that the most important thing to consider here is how he's not willing to perform other sexual acts on you, and how you're not feeling satisfied. If you can get him accustomed to the idea of using his hands/a vibrator on you, I would suggest working on your sexual pleasure first and then engaging in PiV. That way everyone can be happy...he can relax after he's come and you can be satisfied!

Best of luck.

[bernthewitch.livejournal.com]

I've heard that if a guy tugs downwards on his balls before he comes that it can sometimes delay the orgasm, but I'm not sure if it's an urban legend.

But even if he did delay it, I also think that his reluctance to reciprocate the activity with you (making you come or whatnot) is perhaps annoying you as well?

I agree with the first commenter, once a day or once every other day isn't a low frequency, not in my opinion. However, based on your original frequency, this may seem low to you.

[x-crazyness-xxx.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, my ... whatever you want to call him, does that ALL THE TIME (tugging his balls), and it does work for him.

[wifeybuddy.livejournal.com]

It's really tough when you and your partner have different sex drives. I imagine it's even rougher when your partner is unwilling to help you feel satisfied, and I am sorry you're having to go through that.

I don't know that he can be desensitized, and really..I don't think that's the best option. You want something enjoyable for both of you and desensitizing will lower how much pleasure he receives. My husband and I have used those long lasting Trojan condoms, and they made him numb AND me numb. As far as helping him last a bit longer, I read somewhere that a good way to do that is with handjobs. Give him a handjob and right before he's going to climax, stop. Wait a few minutes, and start up. Bring him to climax again, and stop. Do that a bit before you let him climax and then repeat this over a period of time and it's supposed to help him last longer. However, this is just something I read - never tried it, don't know anything more about it than the instructions.

Also, I was wondering if perhaps you could try pleasuring yourself in front of him before you have PIV sex? Not as a show for him really, but to get yourself off - if he gets pleasure from it, then that's awesome..if not, that's okay too.

I hope you find something that works for you<3 I know one thing that really helps when it comes to issues about sex is honest, frank discussions. Also, try looking up fun sex positions together and maybe looking at toys. I know you said he doesn't like to use them on you but perhaps he'd enjoy helping you pick out some things you could use yourself. It's worth a shot if that is something you guys are comfortable with. :)

[hadespuppy.livejournal.com]

I agree with the above posters that he needs to work on his attitude. It is concerning that he has no interest in ensuring that you are satisfied. I think you definitely need to sit down and have a talk with him about that, and how it makes you feel. Tell him that you want to work with him to improve his endurance, for the good of both of you, but that in the meantime, you could use some extra help.

As far as his problem goes, can you convince him to see a doctor? It may have a physical cause.
You could try a cock ring (bonus, get a vibrating one, it may help you as well) and see if that helps him hold on longer. You can also try what is called edging. Basically you bring him to the edge of orgasm, then hold off, do something else until he relaxes a bit, then bring him to the edge again. It may help him to learn to hold off on the orgasm and last longer.

[ashleymck712.livejournal.com]

i was about to suggest the edging!

[x-crazyness-xxx.livejournal.com]

If you give him a hand job, or a blow job before and he comes, he still comes fast during sex?

The least he can do in the mean time is please you after he finishes. Talk to him about that.

[lionheartedgirl.livejournal.com]

If I give him one before he isn't even interested in sex after that. He always tells me 'later' and later never comes. :(

[archangelbeth]

I'm going to mention this one 'cause, well, my spouse's diagnosis is still fresh in my mind. Sleep apnea. Does your guy snore? Does he ever stop breathing in the middle of the night till you nudge him? If either (or both!) of those is true, I strongly suggest trying to get a sleep study. It may not help with the finishing-quickly, but it may improve the libido, and it may help with weight gain. Yeah, he has to wear a mask at night, in a Darth Vader Lite mode, but it's worth it. (Also check for thyroid disorders; they hit men, too, and can cause issues with libido, weight, and depression. (And, untreated, dementia and death; we're pretty sure my mom's father's condition was undiagnosed, untreated hypothyroidism.)

I would also talk to him about his reluctance to give you orgasms in other ways, especially if he's already had one. Right now, middle school early wakeup is killing my spouse's and my libidos, so sometimes the only thing we can do is oral/manual on each other. And my guy's developed magic hands. You may want to ask your spouse, kindly but bluntly, if he fears that giving you an orgasm without a stiff penis, that it means he's "not manly" or that you will respect him less. Or if giving you an orgasm after his own is confronting that he's having premature ejaculation compared to his prior stamina, and if confronting that would damage his self-esteem. (Do this outside the bedroom!)

After getting checked for health problems, and after confronting that he's kind of letting you down in the mutual sexual pleasure department... Then I'd work on the premature-ejaculation stuff. (Possibly not touch him at all until he's given you an orgasm by other means, so he's not stressing over it? I can have a climax in less than 30 seconds of PIV if I'm sufficiently stirred up before PIV starts...)

Luck!