men declining sex

[lovethatlovage.livejournal.com]

i never fail to feel hurt when my BF declines sex. it's super silly because when i'm not in the mood he is completely accepting. BUT, if i initiate and he turns me down it becomes a huge issue for me. as in, we need to have a 2 hour long conversation for me to feel okay about it.

anyone else this way? it makes me feel bad because he's a person not a sex machine and he is TOTALLY entitled to his own personal sex drive, it just ends up making me feel vulnerable and stupid when i want sex and he doesn't.

also, we have great sex all the time and it is the most healthy and fufilling sexual relationship i've ever had.

Comments

[poser1111.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. I usually end up crying too though.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__recidivist/]

This sounds like something that you might need to do some work on on your own. Your partner not being in the mood right then shouldn't be an emotionally-crippling experience. It might help you to talk it out with someone outside the situation (this post is a good start) to figure out why it makes you feel so vulnerable when he's not in the mood.

[myapples.livejournal.com]

part of you feels rejected even if the rational part of your mind is saying he loves you and he's just tired or stressed.

i tend to over think things which can only make it worse, rejection never feels good even if it's all in your head

[lupinelullaby.livejournal.com]

I used to feel this way all the time. I understand exactly what you mean about feeling vulnerable. Also for me, I think my reaction was partially based on a misconception that men always want sex and for him to turn me down means that there must be something wrong with me. It's taken me quite some time to get over that and the rejection still stings sometimes. But, my husband works hard and is really tired when he gets home. He often doesn't get enough sleep. So, really... I can understand why his sex drive just isn't as high as mine. When he does turn me down, I think about those mood killers in his life and it's easier for me to get over that knee-jerk reaction of 'What's wrong with me?'. Sometimes my husband just wants to cuddle and there is nothing wrong with that. =)

[lovethatlovage.livejournal.com]

yeah, too, he almost always puts in more physical effort then me to have sex (our favorite position is him on top, so, he does most of the work). when he's tired or whatever i think he just really doesn't have the energy to please me and he doesn't want to do a half assed job.

but "Also for me, I think my reaction was partially based on a misconception that men always want sex and for him to turn me down means that there must be something wrong with me" is pretty much exactly on point

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I think everyone feels this way about sex being rejected by their partners, even if the feeling isn't rational. (Of course as you say he has every right not to be in the mood when you want sex just as you have every right not to be in the mood when he wants sex; but you can't really argue with your emotions that way, any more than he can.) Maybe the best thing is to sit down and talk it over together.

[lovethatlovage.livejournal.com]

yeah, the problem is he's so cute and understanding that he'll always talk with me about it. i feel a bit like a drama queen by the end almost always (like i should be able to deal with it myself)

[wenchlette.livejournal.com]

I don't. :)

[dayglow.livejournal.com]

Agreed on this x14000.

Multiply the issue of 'women's best asset is their sexuality' with 'men are sex-crazed beasts'... being rejected really hurts.

The best thing to do is reject those ideas and view sexuality as a part of a person. It's okay to have a high libido, low libido, multiorgasmic, not orgasmic at all, really kinky or really vanilla. The span of 'normality' in sexuality is probably the widest variety of things I can think of.

I've found that rejecting mainstream ideas about beauty, sex and sexuality, etc has made me a far, far, far happier person.

[trancemanual.livejournal.com]

"Multiply the issue of 'women's best asset is their sexuality' with 'men are sex-crazed beasts'... being rejected really hurts."

agreed agreed agreed
it sucks because it really becomes a double standard how men put up with us not being in the mood (like me not being in the mood earlier today) and then i guess we expect more from them? I think it's just natural in society to have that mindset and i guess you just have to consciously try to step out of it.

[denialfeelsgood.livejournal.com]

this is me in a nutshell.

[jacquelinewas17.livejournal.com]

I can relate. I have a kind-of absurd sex drive, I'm pretty much ready to go any time. The dude I'm banging, on the other hand, does not have this same ridiculous sex drive. It makes me feel kind of irrationally upset sometimes when I really want to play and he's not into it because whenever he wants it, I'm naked in the blink of an eye and ready to go. Our sex is amazing, and plentiful by most people's standards, but I've been masturbating on average 3+ times a day since probably before middle school. It's not an actual problem for us because I don't get very upset, I just feel a little stupid and burdensome (which I have acknowledged is irrational).

[ends-and-means.livejournal.com]

I'm totally the same way when my boyfriend turns me down, even if I completely understand why, I start crying. Ridiculous!

[breathless83.livejournal.com]

I end up that way a lot. Due to various surgeries and health issues my boyfriend and I haven't had a regular sex life since the end of December. I took it really personally for a long time, and still do occasionally. What I've found helps is talking about it when not in a sexual moment. Talking about it calmly when doing something non-sexual tends to mean that I am less likely to cry or be upset because my emotions are not reved up. Just saying something along the lines of I've missed you, is everything ok? can open up a dialogue that is less pressured then when I start crying after trying to initiate sex. He's used to it but I still feel like a nutcase. So you're obviously not alone in this, good luck.

[elanor-g.livejournal.com]

I've replied to the other post on sextips but hearing that I'm not the only one who crys when being regected :)

[h0rsegurrrl.livejournal.com]

Yes, I get SO hurt whenever a man declines sex. I feel so rejected. It's my horrible insecurity thing; I need to be validated by other people, and the problem is extremely deep-rooted and so far is unable to be changed.

[my-neighborhood.livejournal.com]

I think one of the main reasons this is so common is because we're all led to believe that men are non-stop sex machines. Then, we hit the real world and learn how painfully innacurate that is.

Honestly, it makes me feel really bad for men, because they often have insecurities about not living up to this standard.

It goes to show how the same we all are... everyone has their stereotypes and insecurities that are challenging.

[ennazusmiranda.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like a lot of the women here need to work on their self esteem and self image issues. I do not mean this in a derogatory sense. But, it's important for us all to accept other's feelings, thoughts and opinions when they are contrary to our own without taking it as a personal jab, rejection or as a judgment of ourselves. We need to be able to stand strong and accept that sometimes we can't get what we want when we want it. Sometimes things don't work out the way that we want. Life is full of setbacks and disappointments. We all know this. We all deal with this in many different aspects of our lives. And yet, when it comes to intimate relationships this can be the trickiest area of all for us to navigate.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that I don't struggle with needing to feel wanted and desired or validated by my partner when I am in a serious relationship. But, perhaps we can all start by looking at why we feel the way we do, what thoughts & feelings are truly underlying our behavior, what needs are we really trying to get met.... and then search for other ways to fulfill them so that we aren't so dependent on our mate's response to soothe our delicate egos.

I think often when we are looking for sex what we are really looking for is a way to feel connected and closer to our mate. Therefore I'd say that it is just as important to cultivate those feelings outside of sex within the relationship. Perhaps then we will feel less swayed emotionally by his waning lack of interest as it naturally ebbs and flows with his energy, stress, mood and other distractions in our lives. If he's not in the mood for sex search out other ways to connect, feel close, share physical affection. A hug, cuddle, rubbing his shoulders, staring into each other's eyes, talking about your day, cracking jokes, being playful and silly, etc. And if he's just not in the mood for your special attention and needs a little alone time to decompress from his day, let go of all the obligations, pressures, stresses and other things going on in his life perhaps it will help to take a deep breath and remind yourself that this too will pass. You know that he loves you. You know that he wants you. It's no more silly for him to need a little breathing space sometimes as it is for you. You can even look at it as an act of love to accept him for who he is each day, in each mood... to give him space when he needs it and love and understanding when he needs it. If you are able to cultivate these things the love and the depth of understanding between you will deepen and your reward with lovemaking will be even greater.

Look closely at those reasons and feelings that you're experiencing when you're "not in the mood".... try to better understand your own moods, energy, desires, fluctuations, how the demands in your life affect how you feel with your mate, etc. Perhaps that will help to deepen your ability to truly empathize with your mate and understand his feelings as being different from the love that he has for you.... that his lack of desire for constant round the clock sex is not a reflection of you or his feelings for you.

Men's sex drives are incredibly sensitive to pressures at work and with family, to financial worries, concerns for loved ones, stress anticipating change or because of recent changes in his/your life. Men are fickle creatures and need to be treated with as much tenderness, love, care and respect as women.... sometimes more so. Likewise they have fragile egos, easily damaged and yet full of so much ability to give that sometimes we come to expect it endlessly. But, everyone has a finite amount of energy to give... even for those things that we desire most deeply. Perhaps if you start to see it as a reflection of the bigger picture in his life and the truly complex issue that it is, it will help you not to take it so personally when he doesn't want sex at the same time as you.

[ennazusmiranda.livejournal.com]

Through my experience I have come to look at life and relationships as a dance. The most successful relationships are those where you learn to dance together.... to respond, to react, to accept, to change steps, to communicate through subtle gestures and a shift in energy without the need for verbal communication. It's complex and rich and takes a lot of time and practice to master. But, in the end if you take this approach you might find that it's a useful change in perspective that will help how you feel and how you respond to his ever-changing moods just as he is constantly changing and adjusting his steps to better match your own.

Anyhow, it's all just a thought that I wanted to share...... I hope that some of it helps somehow..... Good luck, sweetie navigating your tender emotions. I know how hard it can be at times. *hugs*