sex after baby?

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

Hello vulva-loving superstars.

I gave birth two months ago. I did everything I was supposed to by way of pelvic-floor toning but when push came to shove and my 20-hour home birth was nearly over, I pushed my baby out so hard and so fast that I tore. The midwives and I decided not to place any stitches and just let it heal on its own. The tear itself is really only about an inch and a half long, and it's pretty jagged. Now, everything is healed up and to my knowledge, everything is fully functional. However, I am terrified of having sex again. Don't get me wrong- I want to, badly. It's just that the scar tissue from the tear makes the tissues feel so firm, like they have absolutely no give anymore and I'm scared of the logistics. Prior to babyage, I had some pain when having sex with my husband because there's also a bit of a size issue there.

How does one get over this? How does one function normally sexually again? Can anyone relate to this?

TIA.

(PS- I checked the history and I couldn't find anything like this. If there is something I missed, please link me and I'll read away)

Comments

[ellie-desu.livejournal.com]

Do you have any check ups with your gyno coming up? This would be a good question to ask, and to have them check the scar tissue.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

I see a midwife.

I have an appointment tomorrow, actually. I'm planning on asking her what she thinks about it- and if she thinks it's normal. Other people I know who have given birth have said that what I describe is typical, and many have resumed sexual activity before their 6-week (in my case 8-week) check-up.

[ellie-desu.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, why do you only see a midwife?

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

I believe there is a finite link between midwifery and feminism, and being a woman I try to keep myself in a feminist/pro-woman frame of mind as much as possible. Midwifery is (in my opinion) the longest-standing form of female-to-female care. I feel that midwives empower women to learn about their bodies and appreciate their function more than the gynecological field which (again, in my opinion) is based on a patriarchal medical system which seeks to supersede women's knowledge and perpetuate fear and mistrust in femininity.

I'm strange. Don't mind me. If you're interested in reading more about the link between feminism and midwifery, try google-searching both terms together- you'll find a host of knowledge and opinions about it.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

PS- the aforementioned beliefs are part of the reason why I'm freaked out by the tear thing. I don't do well with fear.

[ellie-desu.livejournal.com]

I'm all for midwifery and feminism, but not even annual exams? Then again, my idea of an annual is just to have a doc test me for cancer (and STDs if they insist), make sure the plumbing is in order, and refill my HBC prescription. I also had a golf ball sized cyst removed from by my cervix, so I kind of had to go in and get it removed surgically.

What I learn about my body and sex I've learned from places like this and from other women.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

I do annual exams with a midwife. If the midwife detects a problem that is out of her specialty (ie: normal women's health issues) then I'd go to an OB/GYN.

[jennifer0246.livejournal.com]

primary care doctors, nurse practitioners, midwives, and gynecologists can all perform "annual exams", whatever that means for you and your health (breast exam, pap smear, STI testing, contraception, prenatal or preconceptual counseling, etc).

[classical-wolf.livejournal.com]

So, when I'm on my own (21 now, in college), I could choose a midwife instead of an ob/gyn from everything from annual exams --> birth and even after that? So I'd never have to see a gyno again (not that I'm against it, but I am learning lots about midwives from this post) unless something was out of the midwife's ability (a serious complication, cyst, whatnot)?

[geminigirl]

If you've got health insurance, you would need to see what the parameters of your health insurance are, but effectively, yes, a midwife could take care of all of your well woman care, for example. I use an OB/GYN for pregnancy and for managing PCOS because I'm high risk, but for well woman stuff, and for things like a yeast infection I see midwives, NPs or PAs who work in the same office as my obstetrician.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

Most midwives are "overseen" by an OB/GYN (this happens to piss me off greatly...) but many insurance companies cover midwives just as they cover doctors. Midwives deal with all but the most serious of issues and I find them to be more personable than doctors. Since midwives are trained experts in normal women's issues, they're able to identify issues if they exist but (especially with pregnancy/childbirth) tend to be less clinical and more laid back than their MD counterparts. Having a midwife does not necessarily mean that you're going to suddenly jump into homeopathy or home birth- but it does mean that you're willing to save the other first profession of women. :)

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

And just to add to this, you'll find some midwives who are more "doctory" and some doctors who are more "midwifey." It really does depend, but yes: all these well woman care items can be performed by a variety of folks. :)

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

I like to call those medwives. I've found a lot of them are CNMs.

[oboegoddess.livejournal.com]

I've never been pregnant, but it's perfectly normal to get exams from a nurse midwife (usually supervised by a gyno I think). My last exam was by a midwife, mostly because I could see her sooner than the doctor at the office and I was like, hey, cool, I'd like to see a midwife!

She was very knowledgeable and I actually felt like she treated my problems better and more thoroughly than gynos I've seen in the past.

[ellie-desu.livejournal.com]

I saw a NP for my first two annuals, but then needed a doctor for my third one because of the d00m cyst.

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

It's arguable whether annual exams are actually necessary. They appear to be the norm in the US, from what I've read here. They're not the norm in the UK. I suspect there's a lot of unnecessary medicating and treatment in the US because the healthcare system there is money-led, and I haven't heard that British women are having trouble because they're having gynae exams on an as-needed basis rather than every year.

[ellie-desu.livejournal.com]

The over medicating thing is a given, but I think it's a good thing to have a doc check over the girly bits and run a pap test. I've never had them randomly give me a medication of do unnecessary procedures (except Planned Parnethood did an STD test when I told them it wasn't needed, but I think that may be a standard policy to run it, and my surgery was waaaay necessary). Annuals, at least for me (and I think it may be what you make of it) are just simple check ups and prescription refills.

At least where I am you have to go back every 12 months to get your HBC prescription renewed.

[poppleshatesyou.livejournal.com]

It's not that strange, midwives are great! (well the majority of them that i have met at least)

Also, many midwives do well women exams that include pap smears and things.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

Mine does!

[darlingmiette.livejournal.com]

You're not strange! This link and reasons you mention, I'm sure, are big reasons why many women choose midwifery care and homebirth in the first place, I certainly did.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

I randomly checked your journal and found that you're pregnant. Is it your first? If so, please please please do not let the contents of my post put any inkling of fear or doubt in your head. Natural childbirth was 100% amazing and even with the tear, I never, ever would willingly do anything to the contrary!

[darlingmiette.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is our first baby :)
And don't worry, I wasn't put off by your post at all.

I am very confident and secure in my decision - I look forward to this birth so wholeheartedly, I don't think I've ever been so excited about anything before. And I've never imagined my birth any other way than at home and naturally.

Anyway, in regards to your post: I would rather risk a tear at home surrounded by loving, honest people than have an unnecessary episiotomy and 39084309 stitches in a hospital.

[advaya.livejournal.com]

Because midwives rock. duh :)

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

Totally

[lovey-dorlaque.livejournal.com]

Pregnancy isn't a disease and the common medical profession tends to treat it as such. Midwives simply assist in the birth process because the body does all of the work with or without modern medicine.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

Right. <3 midwives

[storychick.livejournal.com]

Why see a surgeon for a general health check? :)

Also, my midwife spends way more time with me, and actually cares about my mental health as well as my physical health.

Why NOT see a midwife? :)

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

See, this is how I see it as well. I guess a lot of people aren't used to the concept.

[habibekindheart.livejournal.com]

I went through the same thing with my last one, and eventually the scar tissue softened up without me having to do a thing. My son is 5 months old and I haven't worried in about it in at least a month.

I understand the 'size issue', we didn't have problems with the scar tissue.

[viellen]

I've never given birth, so I can't help with the postpartum-specific issues. However, I thought I'd pass along my two cents on the scar tissue. I'm studying muscular therapy, and in my training I've heard a few different things about scar therapy. Scar tissue is thicker and rougher because one of the body's defenses against tearing is collagen. Cuts, broken bones, torn tendons and ligaments are filled with collagen during the healing process. Generally, after a cut heals, the tissue (in this case skin) is aligned in more of a clump than a flat sheet. There are forms of massage that you can learn to do yourself to soften scar tissue over time by working on the fibers to spread more evenly. MayoFascial Release is the form I'm most familiar with, and I've seen some pretty remarkable results from it. If you're comfortable with working on your vaginal walls, possibly even with the help of your partner, it might be something worth looking into.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

I'm googling that right now. Thank you, it makes total sense to treat it like almost any other scar tissue, I think...

[viellen]

I think so too, if it works for the skin, muscles, bone and fascia around the rest of the body, it'd make sense to me that it'd work for the vagina as well. There are actually massage therapists out there that work specifically with the female reproductive system; many of them do uterine and vaginal massage/manipulations (and, no, it's not sexual at all). Mayan Abdominal massage is known for that. For me, vaginal and uterine massage are just on the other side of the line for my comfort level, but I've heard positive feedback from women I know who were brave enough to try it out.

[lovey-dorlaque.livejournal.com]

I had a c-section out of necessity even though my husband wanted one initially because he didn't want me to stretch out. After the six week checkup, there was still lots of apprehension because of overall soreness at the incision site. When we finally did, I was so tight inside that he could barely fit. It hurt like I was losing my virginity all over again. Slow and steady definitely wins that race gradually increasing frequency or else it will remain hard to get into. If you have the okay from the midwife at the risk of sounding like the old Nike ads, Just do it!! Yes, it will hurt some at first, but you can control the intensity. Find the position that works for you. Remember back when you lost your virginity and remember how you've grown from that. Ask him to go easy on you.

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

This helps a lot, thanks. :)

[lovey-dorlaque.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome!

massage

[domiobrien.livejournal.com]

As a mother of three, I would suggest massaging the area between your vagina and your anus carefully, at least 2 or 3 times a day, rubbing plain lanolin or any unsalted nut oil in and around and stretching the vagina gently but by bit.

Re: massage

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

*looks around*

I've got tons of Lansinoh that I could use for this project...and it goes along with someone elses suggestion. This makes a ton of sense. Thank you!

[http://users.livejournal.com/__recidivist/]

Have you and your partner been (genitally) sexually active at all since you gave birth? If there hasn't been much contact, starting with external play for you, leading to shallow vaginal play (hands and mouth to start, maybe, something where your partner can see and feel what he is doing more than he might with penile penetration so that you can be assured that he is being attentive to a part of your body it sounds like you are afraid might still be sensitive). You might go even more slowly than people talk about when starting to use tampons or a cup or having vaginal intercourse.

Orgasms (or general good feelings, if you don't orgasm externally) will let you feel like your somewhat-traumatised body is still a good place (I don't want to suggest that you feel badly about your vag if that's not true, but I understand how it could be a bit nerve wracking to be "using" it again when it got torn when you were "using" it before) while slow stretching can help you to feel that your body can really handle being penetrated.

[storychick.livejournal.com]

I felt like a virgin again, emotionally, each time after giving birth (I've had three -- 1 birth center and 2 homebirths! yay homebirth!) and found that exploring down there on my own first was very helpful. Seeing where the sore spots where and just reacquainting myself with the landscape, and feeling out how penetration would feel. Ideally in a hot bath. Just knowing that things were "okay" in a safe, self-directed way made a big difference psychologically.

Once you are ready to get your partner involved, go slow, use fingers first, and remind your partner that there's been a lot of truama down there so take it easy! I also encourage you to use lube if you need; breastfeeding can dry you out like crazy in addition to wanting as little friction on the scar site as possible initially!

It will feel funny the first, or first few, times but I promise that it wont always be as scary as it is now. :)

[ever-abstract.livejournal.com]

Oh thank god other people have been through this! It's good to know that people feel this way and still go on to have more babies. Heh.
I've already gotten my husband to the idea of my leaking all over him the first time, and that we'll probably need loads of lube plus a humidifier and I've been starting to explore things while my husband has his cuddle time with the baby and I mean, so far so good... but yeah.

Thanks for this post.

[storychick.livejournal.com]

I never leaked, even though I had crazy oversupply and sprayed like crazy when each baby nursed. Just so you dont panic if you dont! lol

Just tell hubby he can has sex AND a snack if you do! :)

[wolfden.livejournal.com]

Tatiana dislocated my tailbone when she was bone (ow) and I had a small tear (one stitch). My other vaginal trauma experience was in May when I had my hysterectomy (it was needed and I am so glad I had it done) which was performed vaginally.

My experience is go Slowly. We've had to really do this after both. I think the massage idea is a great one. Did you do perineum massage before birth? our midwife had us do that to soften and stretch that area (my tear was actually upwards not down). I'd think the same techniques could be applied to the scar tissue. I'd try lube or an oil (like sweet almond or something really gentle) and rub at it.

Do other stuff before you try for PIV to get everything remembering that sex is a good thing. You'll get there. It may just take a little time.

BTW my husband was so glad when we weren't waking up drowning in breast milk any more. But he never minded a snack. :)