my partner has herpes

[-birkenstock.livejournal.com]

ok, we just found out that my fiancee has genital herpes.  i know that there is no 100% safe sex.. but i have a few questions regarding what is safer.

he has only had one outbreak, one small thing that blistered over and has now scabbed, and a little redness on the tip of his penis. 

obviously, we know not to have sex while he is having an outbreak, or if one is coming on.  does this include him performing oral sex on me?  he has never had a cold sore or anything, can it still be transmitted?  should we avoid oral sex all together, during an outbreak or not?

how long after the scab heals is it considered ok to have sex?

Comments

(frozen)

[dipshtt3737.livejournal.com]

The herpes is present whether he's having an outbreak or not. At this point, assuming you've had sex with him, unless you're really lucky (even using protection), you probably have it. Best bet is to go get tested. If you don't have it, consider breaking up because you'd rather not get it. If you do have it, then stay together as the damage has been done.

(frozen)

[oompaprincess.livejournal.com]

That's definately not going to fly in this community. If someone has an STD that doesn't make them "damaged" or deserving of a break up. The OP was just asking advice on the SAFEST time for sex, as she recognized there is no completely safe way to have sex with someone with herpes. Please limit your rude or crude response to other communities that are minded as such.
To the OP; I suggest this site for you and your partner http://www.herpes.com/ . I wouldn't rule out that you may already have it, so getting tested would be a good idea.

(frozen)

[christemo.livejournal.com]

Why would you even post this?
What makes the person so bad that would make her break up with him?

(frozen)

[-birkenstock.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the reply but you are totally wrong. Millions of couples are around where one partner has herpes and the other doesn't, some don't even use condoms.

And telling me I should end the relationship over it? Jeeze! No comment!

(frozen)

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think it's clear from the post that the OP has no intention of breaking up with her guy. That's her choice and you should respect it.

(frozen)

[mizzpyx.livejournal.com]

Okay, that is really, really bad advice, not to mention judgemental. Don't you think there's a possibility there's more to the OP's relationship than a certain kind of sex?


And yes, it IS possible to minimise the chances of passing on herpes.

(frozen) Safe Space Warning

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

Hi! I'm writing on behalf of the VP Team to express concern that the attitude and/or wording above do not foster what we consider safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F) in this community. Specifically, when you tell the OP she should break up with her partner if she does not test positive for herpes, you're implying that people with herpes are damaged and not worth being with, and you're also making a huge judgment about the OP's relationship and personal values.

Please consider this a warning as well as a friendly reminder to take this opportunity to review VP's policies. You can find more information on safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F) in our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ), as linked here:

--What are VP's rules? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_are_the_rules.3F)
--What is "safe space"? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F)
--What do you mean by "empowerment" and why is it important in VP? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_do_you_mean_by_.22empowerment.22_and_why_is_it_important_in_VP.3F)

You are more than welcome to make a post over in contact_vp or to contact us via email (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php) If you'd like to talk more about this matter or clarify any points; we only ask that you refrain from commenting further here out of respect for the OP. For that reason, replies to this thread will be frozen.

mangofandango
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp

(frozen)

[bronwe.livejournal.com]

That's rather rude. I think she can decide for herself if she wants to stay in the relationship or not.

[h0rsegurrrl.livejournal.com]

I respectfully disagree with the breaking-up comment above. When a person is diagnosed with an incurable STD, the last thing he or she needs is to be alienated by loved ones/sexual partners because of it. Of course, it is up to you whether or not a controllable disease is worth losing your partner over. You didn't say whether this is a fuck-buddy, boyfriend, fiance, or husband. But in any case, if it was me I would rather stay with the person I love and risk a controllable STD than lose my loved one.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_norma_jeane_/]

"we just found out that my fiancee has genital herpes"

[h0rsegurrrl.livejournal.com]

It must have been edited because yesterday it said "partner."

[-birkenstock.livejournal.com]

hey, yes i did edit it! i just thought that saying fiance would convey that its not just a casual relationship where i could just say "oh well.. guess we can't do it anymore!"

[i-heart-hammies.livejournal.com]

It should be OK for him to perform oral on you, assuming only his genital region is affected. The thing you want to avoid is contact with the sores. Also be careful that he doesn't touch himself first and then you, as transmission can occur that way!

Hope that helps.

[cathrynclaire.livejournal.com]

The virus lives in the nerves - I believe genital herpes can be found anywhere from midthigh to the groin area (don't quote me on the exact area! just take it as a general idea) - if he doesn't have cold sores he should be fine to perform oral sex on you.

I've read that the virus really doesn't like to switch from oral to genital, but sometimes will - so to be "safest" you shouldn't perform oral sex on him during an outbreak or when he feels one coming on.

The whole asymptomatic shedding thing really only happens a few days a year (I've read both 4-5 and 7-10). Going on an antiviral cuts that number in about half. So that can cut down your chances of contracting it too.

And of course, condoms.

:)

[kappyjeanne.livejournal.com]

I second not going down on him while he's having/feeling an outbreak... A friend of mine was diagnosed with herpes in the throat because she performed oral on a guy with sores :(

[armscrossed.livejournal.com]

i actually attended a lecture today about HSV.

even after he's completely healed and there are no outbreaks, the virus can be spread (roughly 36 days out of the year).

HSV-1 and HSV-2 are no long exclusively oral or genital due to the prevalance of oral sex "these days," so my advice is to always use protection (condoms/dental dams) no matter what's going on.

definitely talk to a doctor, get tested, and consider treatment. i'm just repeating what i heard in lecture today.

[evr1bugsme.livejournal.com]

Just a curiousity question: any idea how long the herpes laid dormant? I'm assuming, though this could absolutely be incorrect, that fiancee=monogamous and if that is the case it'd be interesting to know how long the herpes laid dormant. And, I may be wrong again, but is it possible (ie you had sexual contact before your fiancee) that you may have been asymptomatic and given it to him? Or, maybe you are just immune already anyway. That could actually be a nice result as you wouldn't have to worry so much about the transmission issue! Hopefully a test result and your doctor could give you more insight into that.

I think cathrynclaire covered you questions so I have nothing more to add, and I apologize in advance if my questions are out of place. Thanks for any info though.

[hardtogetover.livejournal.com]

Does he have hsv 1 or 2 genitally? I would find out which strain he has, then get yourself tested for both. If you both have the same strain, you have nothing to worry about. If not, well, you can potentially get infected elsewhere, so just be careful about exposure.

[littlemissalien.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I've been exposed to both types of herpes and have never had a single symptom of the classic outbreak. Maybe I'm just lucky. My Mum has had oral herpes (cold sores) since before I was born and has always been careful when she feels she is getting one (usually a couple of times a year). Similarly, my partner has genital herpes and has only ever had two outbreaks (the first time he got it and once when we were together about 2 years ago).

I've been STD tested and am STD free (although I've recieved treatment for HPV in the past), I spoke to my GP and the shedding of the virus is believed to only be present in 1 in 5 or 6 people with the virus. Also, I have recurrent shingles/post-herpetic neuralgia which means I have a strain of HSV anyway, so I was told not to stress, I could be uninfected or immune, or even have it but not get symptoms. I was told that much of the population do have it but are asymptomatic.

You could take a look at http://www.herpes.org.uk/ (http://www.herpes.org.uk/) for a less scaremongering approach.

[wilddcherry16.livejournal.com]

i dont really know too much about this, but is he being medicated for it? i believe that helps reduce the risk a lot.
and i hope that first poster didnt offend you too much, i remember when my boyfriend hadnt gotten tested and i was worried, because i was a worrier, i knew even if he had something i wouldnt leave him =]
it's easier to deal with an STD than trying to find someone who really loves you.
also,call a doctor and ask for some tips.
i hope everything works out!

[sparkle-lite.livejournal.com]

Like some have already said, he can shed the virus at any time. And type 1 and type 2 are not specific to certain areas...you can get the same thing in your mouth as on your genitals. You would probably want to avoid giving him oral sex with an outbreak to reduce your risk of infection in the mouth, or use a non-lubricated condom for oral on him, of course if you can do it without causing him pain....
As for oral on you (in case you didn't know this) just because he has it on his genitals doesn't necessarily mean that he has it in his mouth. It would need to be spread there by kissing or oral sex on/with someone who had it. It is entirely possible that this secenario could happen...you go down on him, get it orally, kiss him, give it to him, and then when he goes down on you, you might get it. But if he doesn't have it in his mouth then no worries. BUT if you are worried, you can cut a non-lubricated condom up one side and use it as a dental dam.

Herpes is so common these days! While it is a virus, all it really is is a painful skin rash, nothing more. I can't believe anyone is stigmatized for this anymore, let alone punish your wonderful boyfriend. You do always run the risk of contracting it from your partner, but, it's not a death sentence!

I hope this wasn't too long, boring, or know-it-all-y.
; P

[http://users.livejournal.com/_norma_jeane_/]

From experience with oral herpes, I would give it at least 2 weeks after the scab has completely healed. Unfortunatly, I have absolutely no evidence to back that up... Someone throw me a bone?

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the repost, but I royally screwed up the HTML.

So... Even though I'm sure you're already researching, I thought I'd point you toward VP's Vulvapedia entry on Herpes (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=Herpes_%28HSV-1/HSV-2%29) as well as the Herpes Resource Center (http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_overview.cfm) from the American Social Health Association. If you don't find answers to your questions there, you might also want to consider calling the hotline (http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_hotline.cfm) for information specific situation.

Good luck, and I hope you find the answers you seek!