need advice

[lane4.livejournal.com]

I just found out that I'm pregnant. I want to keep the baby but I don't want to tell the father about it. The reason is that he isn't my boyfriend, he actually is engaged to someone else...I know, it's bad that I slept with him, but that's in the past and I want to make the best of the situation from now on. He does a lot of drugs, he's not a responsible person in my opinion and I don't want him to be involved with my kid. I know he would not be happy to hear I'm pregnant anyway. Can I just refuse to state the father's name? Will there be legal problems or something? Do you think it's ethical to do that or do I have to "give him a chance"?

I don't know, I'm confused right now but my instinct is just to keep him away :(

Comments

[jupiter--crash.livejournal.com]

im sorry for this comment cause i dont think it will make you happy or offer any help..but i *personally* think it is wrong if you dont tell the father...or your child. i mean, he may be a 'bad' person, but he and your child still have a right to know. i wont go into that big debate whether or not people change...

[mamapeaches.livejournal.com]

i don't know if it depends on where you live, but here in massachusetts, you can leave the father's name blank. i know that for a fact.

in terms of ethics, i don't think you necessarily need to "give him a chance", but i think if it were me, i'd let him know. but i'd also let him know i wanted absolutely nothing form him. by the way you described him, i don't think he'd mind.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

I would go ahead and not tell him if you intuitively feel that's what you should do. You obviously don't feel he's cut out for the responsibility, and I would go with that instinct.

[slytherinblack.livejournal.com]

I think you have to go with what feels best for you. That being said, I personally wouldn't tell him, because IMO that would be what's best for the baby.

[leave-it-be.livejournal.com]

oh man. that's a bit of a pickle, isn't it?

honestly, my first response is to keep him away. he sounds a lot like my cousin, who's a bit of a loser (addicted to meth, deadbeat dad, twice divorced and basically just an overall difficult person to deal with) and i've seen the grief he's caused his family and the damage he's done to his kids.

but in not acknowledging that he's the father, you will have a much more difficult time getting child support and other things. babies are a might bit expensive.

not to mention if i were him, i'd want to know that i have a child running around out there and what happens if your baby wants to know who their father is?

i don't know. i'm sorry that this isn't much help. i can only imagine how confused you must be at this point but i'm really happy to hear that you're keeping your baby.

i hope things become a little clearer *hugs*

[in-my-frame.livejournal.com]

i would probably tell him it's possible you're pregnant, but for him not to worry about it cuz you don't want him involved, since he's a druggie and such.

but. you do what you think is right -- i mean, your child is obviously gonna ask later on, and you can tell her/him what you did and why you did it. i'm not sure what to tell you :/

i have a 3 year old daughter, the guy left when she was 4 1/2 months old, and i'm terrified about the day i will have to explain to her where he is. but after he left, i left and it's been almost 3 years, since the last we spoke. i was also stupid and put his name on the birth certificate -- it's kicking me in the ass now, that's for sure.

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

I think that it's ethically wrong not to tell him. It's not really about giving him a chance, it's about doing what's right, and what's right is to tell him that you're pregnant with his child. It's possible that he may not want anything to do with the child either, but if it is something that he does want, and if he finds out later that you have a child about nine months after sleeping with him, there could be legal problems down the road.

[mercurysmile.livejournal.com]

I would probably tell him. He'll probably want to keep it a secret anyway, given he's in a serious relationship. It just strikes me as a little unfair to keep him completely in the dark. But don't let him play daddy if you don't trust him, just let him know. In the end it's your choice though, I don't think you have a legal obligation to tell him, and I'm sure not stating the father won't be an issue, since so many women either don't know who the father is anyway.

[mercurysmile.livejournal.com]

also, congratulations! good luck with the kid :)

[somethinguseful.livejournal.com]

Is there something you could do, legally?
Perhaps talking to a legal consultant or a lawyer or child services person? They could tell you what you should do to keep him away from your child but make things a little easier in the long run. That just seemed like a logical next step.
Personally, I would just keep people who are close to me involved and not let him know because then he could try to take the baby away from you, right?
I was actually just thinking about this earlier today while watching soaps with my mum (lame).
I wish you the best of luck!

[jasminekitty.livejournal.com]

I think this is wonderful advice. Brefore I read this far, I was thinking that the people who think it is morally right to tell him have some good points. On the other hand, what is morally right about exposing a child to an irresponsible, drug-addicted father? Is it possible that YOU would get in trouble for child endagerment by leaving your baby with him (which depending on your state and his ambition/resourses to hire a laywer, he MIGHT be able to force you to do)? The regulations of DCYF/Division of Youth and Family Services/Child Protective Services will vary based on where you are. Could they try to take the baby away from YOU because he's irresponsible and YOU'RE "willing to put up with it" (**Not an acusation or my opinion, but you never know what kind of case could be made**) I'd meet with someone and get as full of an idea of the risk assesment as you can.Personally I like this sort of compromise between telling him and protecting you and "baby" legally. Otherwise, it seems to come down to who's rights you would prioritize: the father's (right to know) or the baby's (right to be safe).

Disclaimer: I recognize this shows a personal bias that doesn't embody a "second chance" spirit. I also realize that him seeking legal action to obtain father's rights over the kid does not sound likely--at this point. My personal opinion is that I'd rather set up protection than chance it, though.

Good luck.

[notlookingfor.livejournal.com]

Since you asked, no, I don't think that's ethical. That baby is his as much as it's yours. He has a right to know that it exists.

If you don't want him involved and he wants to be, you can take legal action to exclude him, but my opinion is that he has a right to know.

[brainery.livejournal.com]

Agreed. Much as you may think that the father is a loser, the baby does belong to both of you equally. The fact that you're the one giving birth is just the way biology happens to have worked things out -- if your roles were switched, do you think it would be fair of him not to tell you?

In any case, whatever you decide to do, good luck and congratulations.

[sleepybird.livejournal.com]

Talk to a lawyer, preferably one familiar with family/custody law in your state. Tell the lawyer you don't want this man involved with your life or future child's life in any way, and take it from there.

Play "Papa was a Rolling Stone" a couple times, make sure you have your legal bases covered (hopefully the lawyer will have some good advise about telling the father), and it will turn out significantly better than hiding the situation.

[scarsnsouvenirs.livejournal.com]

If it's in your best interests and in the baby's best interests, and if telling would be detrimental to your or the baby, I see nothing wrong with not telling the father. You have unique circumstances and it seems like you've thought things through well enough that it's not necessary to tell him. ...Especially since you're trying to leave behind that period of your life, it might do more harm than good to tell him.

[agonystar.livejournal.com]

It seems like everyone else has given you pretty good advice - so I don't really have that much to add.

I would go to a lawyer and see what kind of advice they would give you. And like you said, if he wouldn't be happy to hear that you're pregnant, he could try and persuade you into doing something that you don't want to do.

As another commenter said, you don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. If you don't want your child to grow up around a person like this, I think you're making the right decision - and then, if your child would want to know his/her father when they reach sixteen or seventeen, then it would be their decision.

Best of luck!

[abastra.livejournal.com]

It probably isn't ethical to not tell the father, but at the end of the day, your first instinct was to leave him out of it and you presumably thought that was best for a good reason. Obviously you're in the best position to make an informed decision, and whatever you choose will be the right one. Good luck with everything whatever you decide.

[petty-thief.livejournal.com]

if you decide not to tell him now, you still have the chance to tell him later if you change your mind. i'd keep my options open if i were you.

good luck.

[altheia.livejournal.com]

There wont be any legal problems if you dont tell the father, or if you put the wrong name on the birth certificate.
If you dont want to tell him, just dont tell him.
Ive been pregnant twice, and had two abortions, and ive never told the fathers.
Or in fact, anyone except the doctors and nurses that were involved.

[hikerpoet.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a tough issue and you'll probably need/want to ask doctors, lawyers, social services, and/or friends and family members for advice. Everything aside (ethics, how the child will feel, etc.) one thing to consider, which i can't believe no one has mentioned yet, is his family's medical history. You may want to have some communication just to see if you can get that, everything else aside.

[insertnamethere.livejournal.com]

Yeah I was going to mention that. Medical history is very important.

sounds ok to me

[nothingmuch.livejournal.com]

You can just leave the father's name blank.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. If he was worried about the possibility of making babies he'll never know, then he wouldn't be having sex with women who aren't his girlfriend.

Re: sounds ok to me

[pretzelsalt.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

It is not a matter of "it's just as much his baby as yours" - no - you are looking at investing yourself into this life. He is barely investing himself into the life of his fiance.

Men can "father" hundreds of babies if they choose too and not loose a wink of sleep over it either.

We are talking about two very different perspectives here.

If you want to have this baby and are worried about having him know about it.

DON'T TELL HIM!

and don't feel bad about it. This is your choice and you just walk through it knowing that you are going to be a good mama and find a good life for that baby. Choice # 1 in finding that good life sounds like "keeping the sperm doner out of it".

Good luck to you - you have enough to think about without feeling guilty over his bullshit.

[typewriteher.livejournal.com]

I would tell him, and state his name on the birth certificate, only because later it might benefit your child to know some of its medical history, you know?

Sometimes things happen, people get sick, and it really helps to be able to look at the genetics of things, or family history.

[meleth.livejournal.com]

And to bring up something new...he's engaged and he fathered a child with someone else? You're not the only one involved. His fiancee has a right to know, as far as I can see, and he can't tell her if he doesn't know. I don't imagine she'd want any nasty surprises 5 years down the line or so, where she suddenly discovers that hubby has a baby by someone else, a baby conceived while he was engaged to her. His feelings aren't of primary concern to me (I'm not in a very positive place right now with regards to the male species), but she could quite possibly be a very nice and innocent person who deserves to know that her fiance has gotten someone else pregnant.

[joybeans.livejournal.com]

bah. that's a good point.

[joybeans.livejournal.com]

You don't have to name a father on the birth certificate, but you've been told that a good 20 some times at this point. I wish every friggin day I would have left the fathers name blank on my oldest sons birth certificate.

Your job as a parent is to do what's in the best interest of your child. Not in the best interest of you or the father. If you believe him to be a danger, then cut him out of your life. If I had 1 do over in life, I wouldn't have told my son's father a damn thing and broke up with him the minute I found out.

a closer look at the ethical line

[jasminekitty.livejournal.com]

If this is deleted for going to far into the ethical abstract realm and off your particular situation, that's ok...

...but I'm wondering about the ethical look at this. I hope no one gets upset, I'm looking for varied perspectives rather than "back me up, here, ladies," which seems to be the spirit in which your initial question was posed.

Two of the women I have worked with have gotten pregnant from sexual assaults (by acquaintances, as most sexual assaults are). Neither told the "father". One had an abortion and didn't tell him because she felt he would try to force her to have the baby, taking her to court and hiring fancy-schmancy lawyers to debunk her rape claims. The other woman did not tell the assailant/father either, but had the baby. She left his name of the birth certificate and moved to start a new life. She said she didn't tell him because he did not deserve to be father, could be a danger (with drug use and "anger problems" in addition to violent sexual assault).

How does this rub against peoples' ethics? I'm curious to see what the "sticking points" will be for people--that there was no consent to have the sex that makes the baby, that these men are violent criminals, etc.

Thanks for any consideration or reflection.

Re: a closer look at the ethical line

[meleth.livejournal.com]

I'd say that in those cases, the men did nothing to deserve the terms father or lover, and so wouldn't deserve to be told. In the case of consensual sex, it's a bit murky, but men who commit sexual assaults don't really deserve consideration in the babies' future.

[unbound-chaos.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering, though.. if you don't tell him, and he somehow finds out later, your NOT telling him could possibly lead to some legal problems if he decided to be an ass.

I *highly* suggest talking to a lawyer about this. There are so many differing opinions on father's rights vs. mother's rights vs. baby's rights.

[scarsnsouvenirs.livejournal.com]

I just came back to this thread, and the only consideration that crossed my mind is that you could think about finding out (or maybe you already know) the father's medical/family history because that might make a difference to the child later in life (in terms of theoretical health complications). That doesn't mean telling him about the baby, but before he's out of the picture entirely...