How do you orgasm with sex?

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

That may seem like a funny question, but I've heard that a lot of women can't, so I'm not the only one!  I am going to be completely blatant, because this has been bothering me for years.
I started masturbating when I was so little, I'm not sure I even remember it.  Let's say I was about 5 or maybe even younger.  Stopped when I was 13 (got scared religiously) started again when I was 18, and then had sex when I was 19.  I have pretty much only orgasmed with regular sex once.  And that is with my current boyfriend of 7 going on 8 months.  We've tried a lot of course, but the only way I can accomplish an orgasm is with some kind of clitoral stimulation.  Either oral, rubbing on his penis, or rubbing against his pelvis with his penis inside me.  Now I've heard tell that I could have "ruined" myself with the masturbating I did when I was younger, and that I'm just too used to the clitoral stimulation.  I think I orgasmed with regular sex once with my bf because he is very well endowed, and more so than I was used to, so yeah that was in the beginning.  Anyway, he's fine with dealing with it, it's not a big deal to him.  I do love oral anyway, who doesn't.  But it is rather frustrating sometimes because my hips will get cramped from trying to rub in different positions, and I just want to orgasm like a normal person for once!
Does anyone know how to change this?  Has anyone had this experience before?  Is there some way to re-train my body?  My old roommate said that she wouldn't only orgasm after having sex for an hour, how long does it normally take for girls?  Cause I honestly don't think I've had sex for an hour at once.  Close to it with my current bf, and I know we COULD go longer, but it's just a matter of we've got to go to sleep or whatnot.
Do I need to perhaps tighten my PC muscles?  Those ones that you can clamp down in the inside?  Because sometimes I do notice I get more pleasure if I'm clamping down more.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't TMI for you guys, but I REALLY REALLY appreciate any advice I get, cause this has been bothering me for YEARS!
Side Note: Neither me nor my boyfriend masturbate in our relationship, just cause we'd much rather rely on each other.  So I haven't masturbated for about 7 months if that makes a difference.

Comments

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Well that's good to hear! How do you do it then if you don't mind me asking? Sorry, kinda personal question... We always have to make sure to get me first, ha ha, and sometimes it's just difficult with having to have him go down on me, or having to have sore hips from trying to rub. What impacts it all too is my sister just got married and she says she can orgasm with regular sex. Ha ha... I guess that's why I thought perhaps I'd ruined myself.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

He he... Thanks a bunch! I'll have to try that more.

[http://users.livejournal.com/___heyvanity/]

Well, I don't have your problem, but my orgasms from clitoral stimulation are MUCH more extreme! I do prefer clitoral orgasms, but having sex IS fun. And it does help me to tighten my PC muscles while having sex, I can orgasm much faster if I do so.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... Well maybe I'll have to work on my PC muscles a bit! That's good to hear that at least I have the good kind of orgasm, hehe, and at least I can insist on the good kind of orgasm because I can't otherwise. Ha ha ha...

[themarshal.livejournal.com]

The amount of misinformation regarding sex and masturbation would be funny if it weren't so destructive.

You haven't "ruined" yourself by masturbating, regardless of what age you started doing it. You may have trained yourself to reach an orgasm more quickly through clitoral stimulation, but "ruining" is such an improper term.

There are plenty of women who are unable (or find it VERY difficult) to reach orgasm through PIV sex alone. So thinking that it's "normal" to orgasm that way is just bad thinking. I wish we could do away with the idea of "normal" sex altogether. Call something normal, and one could easily find hundreds of people who think otherwise.

At any rate, like many things in life, when you stop TRYING so hard, it'll probably come much more quickly to you. Enjoy the ride (haha) and just have fun with sex.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Thanks! That makes me feel a lot better :-) Perhaps someday it'll come to me then...no pun intended...haha...
I kept thinking that maybe if I just had "normal" sex all the time and didn't do it the other way then maybe I could retrain myself. But that just doesn't sound very fun to me...cause that could be a very long time...haha... Plus doing the other things is fun!
Thank you so much for your words :-D

[stenodork.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean about the "ruined" part.
i kind of feel that way.
like you, i've been masturbating forever. i actually remember it happening in a crib. i did it by lying on my stomach and basically humping my hand, which is hard to simulate with a boy and penis. i eventually discovered that the orgasm was better if i had some penetration, but i always need clitoral stimulation.
anyway, for me, it does involve me being on top and being totally in control of the rhythm/pressure/etc and rubbing against the pubic bone.
it has happened like twice in missionary when i was holding on to the boy's butt and pulling it towards me and thrusting(kind of simulating the hand humping)
you could also try using a vibe of some kind, they have all sorts you can strap on to wear during sex. there are also cock rings with clit stimulators on them.
the other thing that feels really awesome for me (but hasnt resulted in an orgasm, though i always feel close) is experimenting with diff angles of being on top. like if i scoot up closer in the direction of towards the boy's face and sit up, i can feel it on my g-spot.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

I did the exact same thing! With humping the hand. I found if I rubbed with the penis outside of me along the shaft I could get the same kind of thing too.
Have you ever tried one of the cock rings? I don't think I want to try a vibrating one because it's hard to replicate naturally, but do you know of any brands you would suggest?
Perhaps I'll have to play around with positions more :-) Thanks for the info!

[stenodork.livejournal.com]

i love finding fellow hand humpers.
it's something in real life i am truly embarrassed of.
like i'd never do it in front of anyone.

i have the raspberry ring here: http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/clit.html
but i don't think it's...hard or thick enough, i like it doesnt hit the right spot hard enough. that's really all i've tried that doesn't vibrate. but i'm not done looking!

i'm jealous that you can get off from oral. i totally can't, it's not hard enough.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Yay for fellow hand humpers! It's something I'm totally embarrassed about too. Ha ha...

Thanks! I'll have to go to lover's package or something soon and look for it. Might be fun to experiment!

Have you tried having oral with him sticking a couple fingers in you at the same time? It's REALLY hard for me to orgasm with oral unless he either sticks fingers in me, or plays with my nipples at the same time. Both is best of course. Ha ha...

[stenodork.livejournal.com]

i have done that, but the tongue really just doesnt do it for the clit at all.

[scorp-goddess.livejournal.com]

me too! i can remember sticking foreign objects down my underwear during naps. I always thought I was an incredibly weird child

[lozoodle.livejournal.com]

I can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation too, it's frustrating at times but it's just the way it is for me!

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad to hear that there's a lot of other women who can't too, it makes me feel less alone, haha.

[lozoodle.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean - I felt like a bit of a freak at first but reading how common it is doesn't bother me too much

I just get my boyfriend to stimulate my clit while we have sex and now and I still manage to orgasm that way while having sex :)

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Awesome, I'm going to have to try that more! We haven't really done it that way successfully yet...

[lozoodle.livejournal.com]

The way that works for us is we'll be lying on our sides, spooning, and he'll start off stimulating me before we start having sex, but just continue throughout. Works a treat, and its the easiest position for him to reach properly as well! :)

[how-will-it-end.livejournal.com]

I had the exact same problem as you. No matter what my boyfriend or I did, I just couldn't get past the plateau that I always got into. Where it's like "This feels good, but it's not going anywhere. I could do this for a LONG time and not accomplish a climax".
So I talked to one of my really close friends and she said that I should try a vibrator with a clit stimulus. Something like this: http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-rabbit-style/rabbit-habit
She said that after she got her first orgasm from the vibrator, it was much easier to get it after that through the vibrator, sex, or just her or her husbands hands, etc.
I was skepitical, but decided that it was worth a shot. So I bought one and after the first time using it...WOW! Ever since then, like two years ago, I have been able to orgasm faster and more times than my boyfriend during sex. It's pretty awesome.

So long story short, try a vibrator.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, see I'm always afraid of getting one because I really wanted not to get something that I can't replicate somehow naturally. But you're saying you can orgasm more now even without the vibrator? Cause maybe I should go ahead and try one for a short period of time! I guess I just don't want to be dependent on it though, cause I'd imagine that could be kinda demasculinating for him. Ha ha... Thanks so much for the tip!

[how-will-it-end.livejournal.com]

I really was worried that my boyfriend would feel threatened by the new friend, but when I explained to him my plan, he was on board. He actually likes to help me with it, which I know not all guys want to do that, but it was a fun way to 'spice up the bedroom' if you will.
But yeah, I can climax with or with the vibrator, they are just two different types. One is stronger and intense (clit climax), and the other is more intimate and full-body (penetration (sex) climax).
I unfortunately spent over $100 on mine, but the way I see it, TOTALLY worth it!!
Good Luck!

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Cool, thanks a bunch! Yeah, that would be totally worth it! I'll have to look into it :-)

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Dude, nice icon by the way. Ha ha... My spoon is too big!

[iminurcommz.livejournal.com]

I could have written your post. Really. (I first masturbated in the car seat by rubbing my crotch against the plastic buckle between my legs. Since having graduated to normal big-kid seats, however, I restrict myself to beds (usually) and hump a balled-up shirt. Woot!)

Since I could have written your post, I fear I'm in no great position to answer your questions, but I figure I can contribute a little. My boyfriend, being way more bothered than I am about my lack of orgasms, took it upon himself to research the situation. He referred to science books, wrote into sex columns, asked his (female) doctor, went to his university's women's center, etc (dedicated guy), and came away with this information:

1. Said the doctor, you cannot ruin your body, or irrevocably condition it to certain types of climaxing methods. I'd always thought that was the case, since when I masturbated at, say, age 9 (to help summon sleep. And 'cause it felt good.), I could always come in less than a minute. Now, at age 22, it can take me up to 45 minutes to finish. But I guess that's a different issue.
2. Since the real goal was to get me to have PIV orgasms (of which I've probably had 6 or so in a 2.5-year relationship, and only when I'm on my stomach and am furiously rubbing my clit), various sources recommended that I try different things when I masturbate. For instance, up until a few months ago, I could ONLY come (whether by masturbating or during sex) on my stomach, but recently I've been practicing other positions and methods. The first time I got myself to come face-up felt like a HUGE triumph; it's still only happened a handful (ha) of times, but it's getting easier. Anyway, switching it up like this is supposed to be really important.

Even so, since you're a hand-humper/stomach masturbator like I am, maybe the golden position for you during sex is that very one...maybe try to simulate your masturbation as much as possible while he's inside of you? That way, it's still an orgasm during sex, even if technically you're the one making yourself come. :]

Best of luck, and please keep us posted in the coming months if you find something that works for you!

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

That's a good idea... I like to have him give all the stimulation, it's just this thing I have, which is why I don't masturbate in relationships, but perhaps he could reach around to the front easier that way?
I've actually been able to orgasm face up with oral since I started with that, and he helped me find that I can orgasm with him on top doing the same kind of rubbing against his pevis, just he has to push against me pretty hard.
That is so awesome your boyfriend did all that research for you, that's really sweet! It doesn't really bother my boyfriend, I just sometimes wish it could be easier for him to get me to orgasm, instead of him having to jump through all these hoops. Ha ha... Plus I always felt like I was missing out on something, but it seems to be the general consensus that clitoral climax is usually more extreme anyway. So perhaps it's not a huge loss like I thought! But I will definitly have to experiment like you said, and see if I can't find some golden g-spot position or something.
Thank you for being so supportive!! :-D

[amberdoopie.livejournal.com]

I had a similar masturbation MO as you and the OP. I started as stomach only and have trained myself to orgasm on my back. Getting one of those vibrating eggs and using it externally (it's a nice broad shape) was a great investment when I was starting out.

One of the best positions for me now during PIV sex is modified mssionary, with my legs straight and between his. This way there is lots of pelvic pressure - I can tense my legs and grind my pelvis (only up instead of down into the bed or whatever). Usually I put my hand in between me and the boy for more pressure on my clit area (I like to call it terrain). If he keeps up a steady pace for a couple minutes, then I can orgasm pretty reliably. . . this from a girl who never could before a year ago! I also try on my stomach (modified doggy with me flat against thee bed, legs straight and between his) while grinding into something, but this position often makes my guy fall out (he's on the shorter side).

Before a couple years ago i thought I was a weirdo for my masturbation style, but this seem to be a highly preferred method!

[iminurcommz.livejournal.com]

Loooooove the modified doggy. I have a friend who raves about modified missionary, with her legs inside, but my boyfriend and I couldn't really work that one very well.

Thanks for your testimony! It's very encouraging to hear from you and others in this post that one can train herself to orgasm. I will practice gladly. :]

[purpleumbrellas.livejournal.com]

You definitely didn't ruin yourself from masterbating. I masterbate everyday .. sometimes up to 5 times and can still get off having sex with my boyfriend. So don't worry about that ... you can masterbate it won't make a difference. I don't really have any advice other than saying that .... some people just can't.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Yeah, maybe it's just the natural way for me.

[archangelbeth]

rubbing against his pelvis with his penis inside me -- like, sort of shove your vulva against where his hipbone is in front?

...isn't that how 90% or more of women manage PIV orgasms in missionary position? That's not "ruined." That's just that, like most women, you need clitoral stimulation. And even if you can manage from G-spot stimulation, that still takes him being in the right position (and probably using fingers anyway). I think I've had penetration-only orgasms... twice? And they weren't really all that good, and one of them was entirely by myself with a lot of clitoral prior and a... largish toy.

I didn't have orgasms reliably with my spouse for years. It takes practice -- foreplay, practice in feeling the foreplay sensations (I have gone from "there is no sensation here" to "AIE WOW YEEEE" in my nipples, for instance, over the past... 15+ years.) Foreplay is important -- these days, 10-15 minutes of backrub, and then another 5-10 of erogenous zones (chest...), and frankly, I can probably orgasm in 30 seconds from fingering alone. Which can be a bit annoying because I am not multiorgasmic and that means my libido rolls over and goes to sleep for at least an hour. Feh. (It used to take more foreplay when I was young and the relationship was new.)

I'm sorry, but I think you are normal. Orgasming solely from PIV is, as far as I know, a fantasy for most women. (And I mean "fantasy" as in "something that gets me hot, but isn't very plausible.")

Doing Kegals is definitely something that's supposed to make things more fun, though.

Other random comments which may be of use...

I have heard (back on Usenet...) that the more women have sex, the more interested and sensitive they become. (Whereas the more stimulation guys get, with orgasms, the more they start losing "precious bodily fluids.") Therefore, if you're not getting your guy and you're not masturbating, it's possible that you're actually desensitizing yourself. (Mind, I think this bit of net-wisdom depends a lot on individuals. My libido frequently gets a spike around what I suspect is ovulation time, no matter what I've been doing or not-doing...) The other bit is that vibes can de-sensitize to other sensations -- I did give up vibes for a while, early on, but these days? Eh. Vibes for me when spouse is at work and I am Just Too Impatient, and weekends... just fine.

Some couples will get erection rings that have little protrusions on them, for clitoral stimulation, or ones that vibrate, or they use vibes that are essentially bullets on a long stem, between them for stimulation -- or so I hear. (I do fine with the front of his hip bones, at the base of his penis, so I haven't tried those.)

Different positions -- e.g., from behind -- can allow both bumping the G-spot (not guaranteed, but more likely than missionary) and have the guy reach around with fingers or a toy (or you can use a toy) for clitoral stimulation.

So, um... I hope that helps.

[firesorceress.livejournal.com]

That does, that helps a lot! I'm really glad I got such a response, and that it sounds like I'm NOT abnormal. It makes me feel a lot better, and a lot more optimistic about just trying different things. Before I just kinda felt like I had to "deal" with it.
I usually have a very healthy libido, and we usually have sex every other day if not every day. But I think I heard something about that too, with women becoming less sensitive or something.
Doing Kegals is the strengthening of the PC muscles right? Do you know how to do it? I just know that it can be done...haha... Sometimes I just try to sit and clench them and unclench just in case that helps.
I've heard the same thing with the vibrators, so I've pretty much ruled those out for now. But I'm not really against toys I guess, I just haven't used them much. Perhaps I'll have to go shopping, haha...
Thank you so much for responding!
I've also watched some sex show before where some sex doctor said that multiple orgasms are possible for any woman, but it's just a matter of her being able to get past it mentally. I haven't quite decided yet if that's a crock of s***, but I've been trying and definitly haven't been able to accomplish that yet. Ha ha...

[archangelbeth]

The way my mom told me to strengthen the PC/do Kegals (Kegels? I never remember...) was to sit on the toilet and start peeing, then stop. She said the muscle that stops the urine is the right one to flex. Stuff like flex and hold for a second, then release, and just do reps of that.

You can probably google for more information (I need to get my kid to bed so I'm typing fast), too.

The thing about vibes is that after this long, vibes don't make me less sensitive. I could wish I lasted a little longer sometimes! (Mental block my left foot. I've tried, and it don' work. I take a day to reset fully; several hours between, and I have sometimes managed a smaller, wimpier orgasm after the first one.) I've got a really strong one, and I do direct clitoral with it, and... nooooo, there is no problem having them with the guy, so long as I have decent foreplay. So it may be a case of everyone being different, or going off them for a while then going back on is okay, or something.

And now I must go oversee the Brushing of the Teeth. Glad that I was helpful!

[kyleann.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way. I can only have orgasms through clitoral stimulation. I learned this very early on and I've been fine with it ever since. I would say to try and use a bullet vibe. http://www.adameve.com/Vibrators/Bullets-and-Eggs-Vibrators/sp-power-bullet-Vibrators-10262.aspx They are wicked cheap and small so they don't get in the way. And they create amazing orgasms. Bullet vibes have been a life saver for me.

[kaelstra.livejournal.com]

I only have intense orgasms from clitoral stimulation, which I get from oral sex before we actually get to the PIV sex. I don't even usually try to get off from PIV sex, we usually work it out so I orgasm prior to that point, and then anything that happens after that is just a bonus.

Side note comment: It's perfectly healthy to masturbate, even while you're in a relationship. It's actually good for you, because always relying on someone else for orgasms can actually get kind of demanding or stressful for some people.

[ms-empathy.livejournal.com]

I've given up on the idea of orgasming from sex. But I still absolutely love sex, even more than orgasming, so it's fine by me if I don't orgasm.