Afraid of Sex?

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Hi everyone. I feel pretty silly asking about this, but it's been bugging me for a while now.


Okay. So I have some past issues. Body images issues are a problem for me for sure. My Dad recently apologized for his role in that. I've forgiven him. The issues are still there though.

Back in middle school (I'm a college sophomore now), a boy on my block sexually harassed me off and on for about 2 years. (He'd ask me for sexual favors.) We weren't in a relationship, he was just an acquaintance. Well, an acquaintance whose older brother bullied me and who took that role from his brother once he left.

The big thing I guess is that I was in an abusive relationship last year. I got into a relationship with a senior at my school. He was emotionally and sexually abusive. He sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions, and tried to rape me the last time I saw him. I stopped seeing him after that.

My problem now is that I'm afraid of getting into a relationship, and I'm even more afraid of having sex. I have this silly notion in my head that no one could possibly love me. All of this makes me very sad for many reasons, the least of which is that I someday want to be a wife and a mother.

Can anyone help me?

Comments

[hoodwink.livejournal.com]

First, don't jump into a relationship until you're ready...and even then, you don't have to have sex just yet. If you find someone you want to be with...and they are a good person, they will try to be understanding and patient and not pressure you to do things you aren't ready to do.

I think you should get into counseling. You need to talk about everything that's happened to you in the past and you need to talk about how you feel now. Talking helps I think. It helps you not just face your fears but you'll learn ways to overcome them and hopefully live a more normal life without so much fear. It takes time though.

You're not alone.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the response.

I am in counseling. I'm going every other week right now. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at talking about this stuff. I'm in treatment for depression (on anti-depressants too.) We mostly work on that.

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

I can't tell from this response, but it sounds like what might be happening is either that you or the counselor are avoiding the abuse issues and instead focusing on the symptoms of the depression. Kind of like treating the symptoms of an infection but not bothering about the anitibiotics.

I don't have the same kind of background of specifically sexual trauma as you, but I do have PTSD, and I found that until I specifically sought out a therapist who has experience and knowledge about trauma issues and trauma survivors, therapy for me went much the same way yours did. Oh, I'm sad. How do I deal with that right now? No one wanted to really deal with how the trauma affected me. Some therapists even said to my face when I told them I thought I needed someone more knowledgable in that area that "personalities are complex" so one has to "treat the whole."

Unfortunately in my personal experience, treating the "whole" meant ignoring the pink elephant in the room. It meant talking about my parents and my friends instead of my abuse. It meant writing off my panic attacks and other such things as difficulties or as needs for meds, instead of as PTSD.

Basically it meant never handling the real problem and assuming all causes and forms of depression have the same history and manifest in the same way.

If you're happy with your current therapist, or I'm misinterpreting, don't bother listening to me. But if you're looking for one kind of care, relating to your history, and getting a sort of generic care that isn't helping, you might want to look into people who specialize in trauma/abuse/PTSD type issues.

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

clarification: not that meds are bad, or not necessary sometimes, or not useful. just that when the idea is "oh, you have panic attacks? here's some xanax" but then never dealing with why you might have them, that's only so helpful.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I think it's less a problem with the therapist and more a problem of me not knowing how to talk about it. That's why I'm looking into this sexual assault survivors group. Maybe it'll be easier to deal with these specific issues in a group setting.

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

That is a good idea. I hope that it helps you, if you do go.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

If I can go. I'm at high risk of losing my scholarship right now, because of my poor acedemics, which I don't doubt is related to the depression and trauma last year. And if I lose my scholarship, I probably won't get a car. No car, not support group.

[iniswitryn.livejournal.com]

You may wish to bring some of these mental-health issues to the attention of your academic dean/the scholarship review committee/whoever would make the decision on your losing the scholarship, along with your therapist's contact info and possibly a letter from the therapist. Although there are academic-performance guidelines, the school may be able to work with you on this. Usually a school will NOT want to revoke a scholarship if a student demonstrates commitment and performance is impaired by other factors than simple "slacking off". Long-standing psychological trauma is a MAJOR other factor, and the fact that you're working on it with a professional shows a commitment to making your life better, and an ability to prioritize, that reflects well on you.

I was in a similar situation many years ago, and I know it's worrisome to think you're losing that educational chance on top of your other problems. But most schools really don't want to kick you when you're down; if they're committed to education they'll want to help you through this so that you can fulfill the promise they saw in you when they decided to give you the scholarship. Good luck.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

They already know. I've provided all the documentation. It doesn't help that my school's judicial services found insufficient evidence, and he has now graduated. At least he can't bother me anymore.

[snippetchick.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Hmm...
How much does the school know? They might know that you've made accusations and can't determine whether or not these accusations are true.
On the other hand, you shouldn't need to prove whether or not what you said happened actually did in order for the school to give cut you a bit of slack on compassionate grounds.
You should only have to prove that your ability to study was significantly impaired due to reasons beyond your control. Distress over the whole process could be considered a part of this.

I've got a bit of experience with this. Uhm. This year I came forward about abuse that occurred to me as a child. Although I have gone to the police about it, there isn't any evidence other than my word on that issue. On the other hand, I've just finished applying for a waiver for late penalties for my psych honours thesis on compassionate grounds. Even though there's no evidence that says I was abused, there is evidence that I was very distressed and impaired. That's the main thing, at least at my uni.

Have you mentioned the assault to your therapist at all?

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

The school (specifically the scholarship office) knows as much as they're willing to hear. Judicial services at my school found insufficient evidence. Which I doubt will help my case with the scholarship office.

They've cut me all the slack they're willing to. Now I'm expected to become an A student.

I have told my therapist.

[hoodwink.livejournal.com]

Im glad you're in counseling. Maybe before your next session, you should write down things you have a hard time speaking about. It might help if you make an outline for yourself to follow in your next session. or how about recording something and then playing it back with your counselor? Might be something to think about.

You also might want to think about finding a support group that suits your needs. Maybe one online or one in your area. I know that might not be something you want to take on right now but its something else to keep in mind.

Good luck, if you ever need to talk, feel free to drop me a line.

[petal-abstract.livejournal.com]

I've asked this same question to VPers before and they've always been extremely caring and helpful.

Another community you should check out is called _survivors_ which is for people who have survived any form of abuse. Everyione there is amzaingly supportive. I've asked them about the sex issue too. I've even gone to sextips for advice. BUt everyone has different fears and tiggers. SO the advice they gave me may not be the best advice for you.

However there is advice that goes across the board, survivor or not. Communicate you wants, needs and desires. Be safe. And be assertive. Its always ok to say 'No' to someone that you care about about if you feel uncomfortable. Go slow, and take your time.

But I just recently found out that once you find the right person it will click in a way that feels like second nature. Right now I am in a healthy relationship with someone that listens and goes at the pace I've set. And for the first time I have no fears when it comes to intimacy You will find the person that makes you feel like that in time. But not with out some hurdles.

Also please look in getting counseling. Lots of places offer free group therapy for abuse survivors, you just have to put some feelers out there.

Good luck and take care!

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions. As I said above, I'm in counseling. I've also been considering joining a sexual assault survivors group, but it's at a different University, and I don't have a car right now.

[casemerjy.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry that you've had such bad experiences in the past. I don't know how much right I have to respond here, being male myself, but the men who did that to you are scum and, were it within my power, I would hunt them down and castrate them... If there's one thing I can absolutely not tolerate its men who abuse women, because I've seen it happen too many times to the women in my own family...

I understand your concerns and fears, and they're natural for someone who has been through what you have. However, there ARE good guys out there. They can be tough to find, but they're there. I recently just started a relationship with a wonderful girl who has gone through some bad relationships in the past. We're currently taking things slow, and we're holding off on "intimate" relations for a while until we're both comfortable with it, which is how it should be.

As the previous poster said, it is important to be with someone who you care about and who also cares about you. If they are unwilling to accept your feelings and concerns, get rid of them IMMEDIATELY. There is absolutely no point in continuing a relationship of that nature and you will only get hurt.

Counseling is a good option, too. Being able to talk to someone openly about these issues is always helpful. The most important thing is to not let your fear hold you back. If you don't move forward than nothing will every change.

Good luck, and remember there are good people out there. With persistence and a little luck, you'll find what you're looking for.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate you responding. I think that men need to play a larger role in ending violence against women in general. It's not a women's issue, it's a human issue. Thanks for caring.

I have a couple of guy friends who I feel extremely close to. Unfortunately, one is in Connecticut and the other is in Denmark right now. I love both of them. (Not in love). I feel bad sometimes that they have to deal with my issues. I still can't imagine ever being loved though. I've only had one boyfriend before the jerk who abused and tried to rape me. And that was a pretty co-dependent relationship....

I don't know how to get over feeling so un-lovable.

[casemerjy.livejournal.com]

It is very much a human issue, and I also think more men need to be involved in it. It's unfortunately the loud obnoxious minority of men who ruin the reputation of the good guys that are out there and make it difficult.

I honestly can't offer you much advice, but right now you may just need some time. As some of the other respondents in this thread have stated, don't rush into anything. When you do feel ready, just be careful. Don't commit to anything before your sure.

Like I said before, my girlfriend has been through some bad relationships and we've talked at length about similar issues, such as feeling "unlovable" and "broken". In my experience, people end up going through a lot of crap in their lives, some of which can stir up these feelings. It's important to be open about these sort of things and especially in your case to remember it is NOT your fault. It can be hard, but try to stay positive. It's a big world, and somewhere out there I'm sure there's a guy who is right for you and will treat you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

What's happened in the past unfortunately can't be changed. What's important is to learn from it, accept it, and move on with your life in a positive way. I think you've already taken the first steps by reaching out for help, and that can be one of the hardest things to do.

I'm confident that you'll be fine and eventually fight the right guy. It may take some time and a little bit of trial and error, but you'll find him.

[silentxsarecool.livejournal.com]

I don't have any specific advice, but I would say that a professional counselor could be a *big* help to you. They can teach you healthy coping methods and provide a non-judgmental ear to listen to any problems or concerns. You might look into your school's counseling services. Many offer free counseling sessions for students through their psychology or student support departments.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advise. See above responses about therapy.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

I'm not actively looking to get into a relationship right now. It's just kinda a fear for the long term. I guess I feel like I've been ruined. I'm also extremely lonely right now, which is probably why I'm thinking about it so much.

I'd love your contact info if you'd be willing to talk.

Thanks.

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm not going to be in a relationship for a while still. Even though my Dad keeps telling me I need to find a boyfriend. And even though I'm really lonely. I know I need to learn to love myself at least a little more before I find someone else who might love me.

I wish I could figure out how to love my body. It's hard when I'm overweight, and I've been taught that overweight is unattractive.

[lizziec]

My advice is basically don't stress about it. Things will happen natrually as and when you are ready for them.

I was sexually abused when I was younger and I found it hard to trust boys/men but I eventually got into a relationship I was comfortable with, where I implicitly trusted the other party and started to recover properly.

I found the stregnth to talk about my issues with him and he was understanding and didn't push.

It was 4 months before I kissed him *anywhere*. The furthest that relationship went was kissing on the lips, no tongues. When it ended it ended amicably and not because of my issues.

My second relationship I also talked over my issues with. After several months the time felt right and we started experimenting though there was no penetration. We did what felt right at the time it felt right.

My third relationship was with the man I got married to. He is incredibly understanding about my past and never pushed me into anything. It was over a year and a half before we had sex and then it was when I was ready and it was beautiful.

I still have issues sometimes and weeks where I just don't want to be touched sexually and he understands and waits until I am without pushing.

Body issues are harder to deal with, but I'm 19st and I have loved myself much more ever since I knew I had a partner who loved me for who I was and found me sexy and said so often.

I've rambled now. I hope this helps.

I firmly believe there is someone out there for you who will love you and find you sexy and have the patience to go with you on your journey of recovery.

My contact details are in my userinfo. Feel free to contact me if you want :)

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

*hugs* of course you're afraid, that's to be expected. Take your time, talk it all out in counselling. But don't worry about the future! there's so much now ahead of you. You don't know how you'll feel in a year's time even - anything can happen and there are many years of a lifetime to enjoy. Take care xxx

[violet-tigress1.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to tell you I love your icon & it made me giggle ^_^

i've been there

[lil-tree-frog.livejournal.com]

drop me a message on my lj if you want to talk

H

Re: i've been there

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[oxygenwasteland.livejournal.com]

I went through the same kind of abuse all through my childhood until I was 15. ,so I definatly know how hard it is to trust someone. Because of all the stress from the abuse, I started dropping weight like crazy. So much that teachers would harass me and ask me if I was anorexic. This made me really self concious and hateful of how I looked. So you're definatly not alone on issues with body image, either. In fact, even the most attractive and secure women are often self concious of how they look, too.
My advice to you is don't rush into anything. Don't try to have sex with anyone until you feel totally comfortable about the whole thing. It also helps to talk. Before I slept with the person I'm currently with, I told him everything about the abuse that I went through as a kid. And he was completely understanding and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all the first time we had sex.