getting help for an abused friend

[theycallmebitch.livejournal.com]

This isn't vagina related, but it most certainly is women's health related. I'm scared to death and I really need some good advice.

From what we can gather, my friend's boyfriend is untreated bipolar and a very severe alcoholic. We've known that they have had problems, but in the past she has always shyed away from telling us the full story. We were able to gather, however, that there was some really twisted mental abuse going on. Also, some of our friends have noticed bruises on her arms that would be consistent with someone grabbing her. Lately things have taken a nosedive though. Her boyfriend is putting her through sheer mental torture. He's just breaking down her will, making her feel like a waste of life for things she didn't even really do, things that weren't her fault. Last week I had to go to her house (they live together) and beg her to come stay the night with me after she called me telling me that she wanted to die because of what was going on with him. She seems to reacting in a typical manner to that type of abuse. She keeps saying how much she loves him, how she wishes she wasn't such a fuck up and could make everything better- pretty much blaming herself for his problems that are out of her hands and saying that she deserves the abuse. We can't talk any sense into her. She'll leave for the night, but then he'll call her and sweet talk her into coming home. She'll act like everything is great and it will all start over again. This happens 2-3 times a week now. I'm terrified for her, but I have no idea what to do. She is an amazingly talented illustrator in her senior year of art school, and I don't want to see it all stripped away from her because of this asshole. Please give me some advice here. I really need to save my friend.

Comments

[wish-babe.livejournal.com]

I got the following things off http://www.ndvh.org/ and I think you should visit that site for information. I think people on here may be able to give you suggestions if they've been through a similar situation, but I haven't, so I'll give you web stuff.

If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Hotline Services Include:
Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers

A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate

Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than 140 different languages through interpreter services

READ THIShttp://www.ndvh.org/help/fandf.html

I really hope you can help your friend get out of this horrendous situation and that you can help the guy get his bi-polar treated before he spinns further out of control!

[erica-jo.livejournal.com]

"I really need to save my friend."

This feeling is totally understandable. When you see a friend in such a situation, it's hard not to feel that it's your job to save her. But it's not. It's her job. It's up to her. You can support her, comfort her, praise her, love her, hold her, listen to her, but you cannot leave him for her or make her leave him. She needs to do that. It sucks, it's hard, it's miserable to be a friend watching this happen. It sounds like you are being an amazing, supportive friend -- and that's what you can do. You can let her know you think she is amazing and wonderful and does not deserve to be treated this way. You can be there for her. And you can try, as impossible as it is sometimes, not to judge her decisions. And you can get support for yourself so that you can continue to be a good friend without letting it take over your life or alienate you from her.

[theycallmebitch.livejournal.com]

That's what I'm trying to do. I know the last thing someone who is being pushed around needs to hear is "you need to . . ." or "you should be doing . . ." I figured I could get advice here on how to help her if she decides to make the decision. Thank you for the support.

[alitaorg.livejournal.com]

i agree with this...to a point.

people have lost friends, sanity, the ability to have a happy relationship, and years of their lives to abusive relationships. and when one's in one of those relationships, it's really, really hard to step back and see it for what it is. that's why a friend needs to tell them that he or she is worried sick and wants to know where the bruises come from and wants to know why they're living together if they're making each other miserable. i would suggest you keep name calling to a minimum - obviously your friend doesn't think her boyfriend is an asshole, so labeling him as such will alienate her.

but you're right to actively care. yay for being a good friend. =)

[fadeddesignxx.livejournal.com]

Does the guy know where you live? If not, I suggest offering her a place to stay with you. Your poor friend. I know where you are coming from-- though I have gay male friends, I'm fiercly over protective.

If he knows where you live, I suggest checking into some shelters... poor dear.

I hope she gets some help.

[theycallmebitch.livejournal.com]

He knows where I live, but it doesn't make a difference. She's not willing right now to leave, and that's what really worries me.

[fadeddesignxx.livejournal.com]

Oh... heavens. Try talking to her about it, and expressing how concerned you are. Really, it's one of the best options... even if it gets her mad at you.

(I risked the same thing when talking to Luke about his addiction...
I nearly cried when I saw in your LJ, about your friend with the heroin addiction... =( )

[theycallmebitch.livejournal.com]

yeah, it's been a tough month.

[fadeddesignxx.livejournal.com]

-Hugs- I can relate. If you want to friend me or IM me, and what not... my info is in my profile.

[thee-shadow.livejournal.com]

This is never easy dealing with. Sadly you won't be able to make a decision for her. She has to realize it herself. All you can do is be a very good friend, which you are. Tell her all the opposite of what he does. Her self esteem must be very low which makes it even harder for her to leave him. He is her ''support''. She maybe thinks she can't do things without him and that her world will fall apart if she leaves him. There are many reason why she's still there.

I know from personal experience that it doesn't help hearing people telling you what to do. It has the opposite effect. Im sure she knows it's not normal, and that something has to be done. It's just very scary for her to ''jump out'' of the circle, and since she loves him..even harder. Hopefully by giving her good(!) alternatives will make her think about leaving more seriously.

Is she scared of him tracking her down and killing her if she leaves? If so, that makes this MUCH more difficult.

Good luck!

[silentxsarecool.livejournal.com]

This is a very hard situation to deal with. i had a friend whose SO was occasionally raping her. There was also a lot of mental/emotional abuse, too. It was pretty terrible. No matter how many times we pointed out that she was being treated terribly or that we were concerned, she would come back with the same response. She was in love. She couldn't bear to leave. In the end, the only thing we could do was try and support her as best we could until *she* decided it was over. No matter what you do or say, it'll be her decision in the end. So all you can do is try and be supportive. I wish I had spent less time badmouthing my friend's ex to her (she already knew everything thatw as happening was terrible) and more time telling her what a beautiful, intelligent, funny, great person she was (and is!) I think it would've been much more supportive and helpful. I'm glad it's over now, though. Hopefully, your friend will find a way to pull out of this relationship, too.

[dirtypinkskirt.livejournal.com]

while she may not be ready to outright leave, you can encourage her to take other steps. someone else mentioned safety planning, i believe, which would be good to talk about with her. encourage her to get some important things together (vital documents, clothing iterms) and stash them somewhere, or at the very least make sure she knows where they all are and that she has easy access to them. have her make a plan in the event things do get bad and she wants to leave, even if it's not permanent. second, either through the national domestic violence hotline or your own researching, i'd contact your local domestic violence organization and find out what services they offer. many offer counseling services, which she could go to even if she has not left the relationship. the domestic violence center i work for even offers an anonymous drop-in group, which may be something your friend is willing to do.

your friend may not be willing to do any of the above, but it doesn't hurt to let her know there are other options. it's not just leave vs. stay. sometimes people just need to take little steps before making that big decision. the fact that she has confided in other people about the situation is a big step in itself.

[gosh-mel.livejournal.com]

Might an intervention of some sort work, either for your friend or for the boyfriend?

[serve-the-lord.livejournal.com]

You may want to call a local rape crisis center or women's shelter and tell them the situation. They would probably offer some good advice and alternatives for your friend.

One thing you should remember is to try not to force her to do anything - or imply that you want to force her to do anything - that she is not ready to do. Remind her that this is her situation and she should be able to handle it in the way that she feels it must be handled. I absolutely agree 100% that this is not a healthy relationship for her, but it is not as simple as saying "leave" and "stay." She needs to know that she has the RIGHT to leave or stay, that she is capable of leaving or staying in a situation. Right now, she's probably feeling trapped and frightened. I think the best thing you can do is try taking her out of the house for short periods of time - introduce her to friends, get her involved in extracurricular activities, etc. Make sure she has a cell phone handy. If its possible, help her set up a separate bank account that he has no knowledge of. Prepare for a disaster should it strike, but do not try to force her out of the situation. She needs to feel in control of what's going on.

All my love to you and your friend.