no more sex.

[adira.livejournal.com]

Hi, this isn't the typical thing to post here, but I really wanted to get it out and I couldn't find any active appropriate communities.

I am 21 years old and started being involved sexually with boys when I was about 16 (I lost my virginity when I was 19). I am not good with, nor am I very interested in long-term monogamous relationships, so since then I have had many different partners, and in retrospect, I really think that most of them like me as a person (as opposed to a love doll). For a while I thought it was great, and having sex all the time (I was always very good about protection) was a way of showing that I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality or my body, and that I felt powerful.

Eventually it dawned on me that this wasn't making me happy at all, often I would feel used even though I know that my partner really did respect me it didn't change that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I would also sometimes feel guilty that I was manipulating someone else's emotions at the same time I was convincing myself that they only liked me because they wanted to get into my pants. It was a horrible feeling. I sometimes wished I was ugly so people would like me for my personality without any sexual attraction interefering with thier impression of me, on the flip side I'm too much of a wuss to ever "let myself go".

Anyway, for my new years resolution I decided that I was no longer going to be having sex. Most of the time when I tell people that they think I'm religious, but I am not religious at all, I never placed any value on my virginity, I don't believe I am impure for having had sex with many partners, I have no qualms about using any method of birth control, I am not interested in waiting until I am married to start up again if I'm ever interested in getting married at all, and I enjoy masturbating and do so fairly regularly. I don't like using terms like "abstinence" and "celibacy" because I associate them with religion and people who have severely warped views of sexuality and gender roles. A lot of my close friends are very sexually open and think I'm being silly and that I just need to boost my self-esteem, but I don't think they quite understand my reasoning, I think they're uncomfortable with the idea because they too connect it to repressive religious movements in thier head.

Since I have stopped having sex, I have developed what I feel are more healthy platonic relationships with male friends, who are very aware that I do not intend on sleeping with them or anyone else. Maybe its all in my head, but I feel they see me more as a person than as "the girl" now. I have found myself to be less jealous of my friends who are in relationships and more open to speaking to thier singnificant others. I have discovered that a lot of the time I would have sex, it was for attention, and making that not an option has made me realize that I have amazing friends who will give me attention without any alterior motives. I feel better about myself, if I look shitty, who cares I'm not trying to attract anyone, if I look fantastic, the people that matter already know they're not getting any, so there's no guilt there. I also feel really great about having figured it out and taken the initative myself, so guilt from religion, my parnets, friends, etc caused me to do this.

I'm not trying to convince anyone, I just really wanted to share and to find out if anyone else has had similar expereinces.

Comments

[kristen-182.livejournal.com]

You're an absolutely amazing person. Although I'm sure some people will disagree on this, you make very valid points and don't come off as if you're defending yourself, but just enlightening anyone who wants to read. I also like the idea that you don't base your lack of having sex to do with anything religious or the terms that might reflect religious views of not having sex. I think it's a great idea and I hope that you continue to keep at it and thinking so positively :) It's wonderful to see, when there are so many women out there with low self esteem and whatnot. Keep it up, and thanks for posting! :)

[adira.livejournal.com]

Awww. thanks so much. I really wasn't sure if it was right for this community (most of the mosts are about birth control), but I just felt like I needed to share. Thanks for reading, I'm going to keep it up, since I feel that its right for me at this point in my life, I really feel like I've learned a lot about myself and my relationships with people.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

By the way, I just wanted to let you know that your post is quite appropriate for the community. :)

[fumblerette1.livejournal.com]

I have a sort of similar but not really situation. I've been in a monogamous sexually active relationship for the last 2.5 years. Recently, my boyfriend and I decided our relationship was getting too serious too fast and we decided to take a break. We're "casually" dating, but we're not officially girlfriend/boyfriend. I've decided that until I get more used to the situation, we won't be having sex. I know it's the right choice for me because I can't separate the feelings of love I have for him and the idea of sex, and it will only hurt me emotionally to have sex with him, because it will remind me of the relationship we are taking a break from. Maybe in a few months, if we're still taking a break, and I'm more comfortable with the idea, we'll start having sex again, but not for a while.

[adira.livejournal.com]

thanks for sharing. I support you with whatever makes you feel the most comfortable, and I hope your boyfriend is understanding about it and I wish you guys luck.

[project122.livejournal.com]

I've been rolling the same thing around in my head. It's a lot of the times I wish I were a man just so I would not be faced with the social stigma of being female. I enjoy all the things males do around eachother, we never bat an eye at it. I am "one of the guys" for the most part, but me not being an attractive female is weird to our other friends, they treat me different because I am female.

I never really liked... sex. I love masturbation, but it's more pleasurable if it's a personal thing. I hate pleasing the other. really do.

I guess what is appealing about sex is the closeness, but I feel if I can achieve being close without the fucking.... then it should mean more, but I honestly do love the attention. It's just the wrong way of going about it. Platonic relationships mean so much to me, more so than relationships.

[adira.livejournal.com]

I'm quite clear on what you're saying in the first paragraph, who are you "one of the guys" with and who treats you differently?

Anyway, most of my close friends are guys and I always hang out with a whole bunch of them and we watch zombie or kung fu movies and nobody thinks about...it just gets so weird hanging out with them alone. Its almost as if because we really like each other as friends and happen to find each other aesthetically pleasing...we have to become physically invloved and it makes me mistrust thier motives and my own motives for hanging out alone. This is awkward because they're my closest friends in the area (all my girl friends are at colleges a million miles away).

I always have better orgasms from maturbating, but its a real emotional rush to be that intimate with someone...that's what I like about sex, also when I'm turned on my body is like "HAVE SEX NOW!!!!!! DO IT!!!!"

I couldn't live without my platonic relationships, I feel that they're so much more genuine, and I'm setting my priorities around that.

[childofireland.livejournal.com]

Even though I don't believe i would do what you're doing, i still find it a very respectable, character-strong thing to do. Congrats :)

[adira.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[puttysan.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much doing the same thing, though with some different reasons behind it. My first was a three-year relationship that nearly ended in marriage. I've had some serious relationships since, including one live-in situation, that always ended badly. I've had a lot more one or two night stands, or friend with benefits relationships that have gone really well. Like you, I generally felt ok with what I was doing, though I'd get an occasional twinge of "what am I doing?" I know I could manipulate men if I wanted something. I never felt used, because I directed the entire thing.

I've always had close platonic relationships with men, so I knew it wasn't all about the sex. But in March, my dad died mostly unexpectedly; a few weeks later, I met up with a FwB I've been off and on with for two years. While we were together, I freaked out and started crying, the only thing in my head being "What would my dad think if he knew what I was doing right now?" Funny that never bothered me when he was alive. I left, and decided then and there that I needed to go celibate for a while. Luckily, anyone I've told my decision to knows that I'm going through a really rough time right now, and a relationship of any sort is just more stress than I need right now.

I'm not religious by any means, and I don't really have any guilt over what I was doing. I just know I can't deal with it right now, so I'm not going to bother. I'm not giving myself any set time, just nothing until I feel like the time is right. That might be this weekend, it might be next year, it might be longer. I'm not going to worry about it. Luckily, I do have those close male friends, so I can get the cuddling and contact I know I crave, without worrying about it going any further.

[adira.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about your dad. I can understand how you wouldn't want anything to complicate your life right now.

Me neither, I think a set time defeats the purpose. I'm going to wait until I decide that I want to have sex with a person when I am not in the heat of the moment. I've actually been suprized by how supportive many of my male friends have been even though I have hooked up with some of them before. Its so reassuring.

[puttysan.livejournal.com]

I know my decisions probably will be in the heat of the moment, but I'm ok with that. There are people (one's a chick, so I can't even say just men) that I would break celibacy for in a moment, whether they wanted to attempt a relationship, or just needed some attention. But they also tend to be the people that I'm extremely comfortable and physical with in the first place, so sex with them isn't quite the emotional undertaking it is with others. But on the whole, yeah, it's just more trouble than it's worth right now.

[chibiluv.livejournal.com]

I did the same thing for similar reasons when I was 19. I quit sex 13 months and as a result developed a healthier sense of my worth as a human being both sexually and platonically. Now that I am back to having sex again I still keep that feeling with me and don't stress about whether I have a boyfriend or not. It was the single most liberating experience of my life.

[adira.livejournal.com]

that's awesome, thanks for sharing. I'm hoping that this whole experience proves something to me, and that I will also be able to retain this sense of self-worth when I start having sex again.

[orangewrath.livejournal.com]

I just want to say that you have a lot of courage, self-worth and you make me more proud to be a woman. Those are some top priorities I think a person should have. This enlightened me (even if you didn't add the disclaimer at the bottom, I didn't feel that you were pressing your views on me at all :D) and I really, truly appreciate you sharing your story with us. I hope it helps out some other women (or men) in this community that might be going through a tough time right now.

I'm in a long term, monog. relationship. I love my boyfriend deeply and I can't picture being this content and satisfied with anyone else. Although we have had our tough times and he's certainly disrespected me, my womanhood and just my overall being in the past, it's..in the past. He's matured a lot and we've grown so much over this past year not only as a couple, but as individual people. I don't think sex had much to do with that, although we do enjoy it a lot. ;) We slowed down for a little while when we were going through a very tough time and it helped sort out mixed feelings. Sex can get in the way sometimes. We've learned a lot about each other and each other's bodies. It's such an amazing feeling to be connected to him that way and it makes me feel even more amazing knowing it wasn't solely through intercourse. I can feel as ecstatic when he calls me just to see how I am, when he gives me a cute little smile and hugs me close, when he opens a door for me, surprises me outside of my classroom after class is over, etc...we've learned how to separate sex and love and although we've been through a lot, I can't help but feel that I wouldn't want to go through all that crap with anyone but him.

I'm not saying you need another person to do that with. I congradulate you on doing that all by yourself. I really do. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted someone to grow, mature and become myself with (and I think I've found them!), so this is what feels good to me. He loves me for my fiestyness and independence, so it's a good reminded to stay myself and not let myself fall into him and become his life. I hope this feeling stays with you for the rest of your life (or when you just start having sex again), like it has for another commenter. It makes me feel so much better knowing there's people like you left in this world! Thank you so much and I wish you the best. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/drama_/]

Just a thought, but have you ever seen the movie "Easy"? Your post made me think of it, as the main character is a girl in her early twenties who decides to simplify her love life by becoming celebate.

Good luck with your decision, I hope it brings you the happiness you deserve. :)

[adira.livejournal.com]

No, I haven't, I'll have to check that out. thanks.

[aechei.livejournal.com]

like many others here, i could not do what you are doing. but then, i have had a very different sexual history from you (1 LT male partner 5 years, two casual female partners within the last 3 months. i may marry the man and i am good friends with both women). Sex is hugely important to me for the intimacy, and i can see how it could lose its value for you when the intimacy was lacking. perhaps you will meet someone that you want to be that close to in the future, or maybe you will find that you are happier alone. either way, you are doing it on your own terms and with valid reasons, and i have to respect that.

i also have to say that sleeping with women seems to come with fewer of those self-worth/am-i-being-used? sorts of issues, at least for me. i have a hard time trusting people enough to sleep with them, but i think it is easier with women. just in case you have ever considered switching to the ladies...

[adira.livejournal.com]

I know a lot of people who couldn't do it, and I totally respect that they may be more comfortable with thier sexuality than I am, ot more willing to trust and commit. I can't say I wish I was like that, but I recgonize that everyone's different, whatever floats your boat. Often there wasn't affection lacking on the part of my partner, it was just a little voice in the back of my head that seemed to contradict everything and say "he really doesn't like you as a person, he doesn't even find you that attractive, he just wants to get laid...all the long conversations, all the conffessions...its all an act!"

I actually have considered it, and I expereimented a little bit in high school, I'm not opposed to the idea at all, I just haven't found a woman I am sexually attracted to. I can see how I would find them more trustworthy since I feel that a woman would be more understanding of another woman's insecurities and fear of being used, even though a lot of the guys I have met have been used and fear it just as much.

[kitty--butler.livejournal.com]

I find it interesting that you say that about women - why do you think it is that way for you? Is it because even though you're bi you're preference is men, so you don't have any emotional expectations with women, like, if all you'd ever want with a woman is casual sex and friendship then you won't be disappointed when that's all they want too?

I'm just curious because for me it's the opposite. I can be casually involved with men and not really care whether we're just using each other [because I am using them as much as they are me] but with women it just hurts when you realise it's just a bit of fun for them, a kinky interlude before they return to heterosexual relations.

Girl/girl sex is just so intimate. It seems so much more personal and full of emotions and affection.

I don't really think either women or men are more prone to using people, being untrustworthy, or any of the other things that women seem to label men with, it has more to do with what individual people are looking for.

[aechei.livejournal.com]

nope, i prefer women.
i think i just know how they think better, so it is easier to get into the trusting place where it is ok to get naked with them. i know intellectually that there are women who will use you, but i think i have a better sense of which ones they are then i do with men.
i couldn't sleep with someone that i thought was using me, no matter how i felt about them. if all i wanted from them was sex, i would go masturbate.
i have slept with 3 people. a man that i was with 6 months before any sexual contact, a good friend who is bi (sort of a relationship, but not really. its casual), and another good friend who is a lesbian (no romantic relationship, just good friends who got naked together).

Bravo! Sex is over rated!

[peppersnot.livejournal.com]

I made a decision when I was 18 to stop having sex. I had lost my virginity at 16 and in two years had racked up 10 partners. One was my boyfriend at the time...so you can see where my head was at.
I didn't have sex again until I was 22. I had started dating an amazing guy and was with him for a year until we started to have sex, and even now at 25, we are far more into foreplay and oral than intercourse.

My decision was three-fold. I am not religious or anti-religious, but I am very spiritual. I believe God and spirituality are concepts no human or religion can ever fully BEGIN to explain, but I do understand some people's need for a religious community (as long as they do not spew hatred or oppression). I made a commintment to my own emotional and spiritual health to stop having sex. I also made a commitment to my understanding of a higher powere. It was truly harming me. If a person loves sex, that is fine by me. However, I was just trying to fulfill an insecurity and was indeed doing it for attention. You can't truly build your self esteem with sex. At the risk of sounding like pop-psychology gone bad, self esteem has to come from within and not from social/sexual acceptance. I also realized it did nothing for me. I actually liked making out better than sex. Religion may brainwash people at times, but so does pop culture. It is just as oppressive. We're suppossed to be empowered by it, love it and need it. I relized I didn't feel empowered, I felt taken advantage of. I didn't love or need it, either. It never satisfied me and I realized sex is over rated. There are so many other ways so express yourself as a woman and as a sexual being. There are so many other ways to indulge in sexual activity than actual penetration.
I am also, extremely terrified of disease. I had already contracted HPV, which is extremely common and can be passed on even through the use of a condom. I know many people who have contracted much worse things, even HIV. This was too close to home and what was I putting myself at risk for? Something I never really enjoyed in the first place? Another thing was pregnancy. Condoms break. Birth control fails. Sometimes human error is all biology needs to create life. Too much of a headache and heartache. If my boyfriend and I ever break up, I will not have sex until I'm in a relationship where we share mutual love and trust. We will also be tested for everything before we decide to have sex.

Sex is complicated for many reasons. Some people can detach, and I don't know if that is good or bad. Its not for me to judge. I just know having casual sex wasn't right for me and I refuse to have it.

[nirbhao.livejournal.com]

I'm really happy for you

All right!

[esme.livejournal.com]

I applaud you for what you are doing because you are doing it for yourself and no one else. Thank you for taking time to find these things out---so many people spend a lifetime doing what makes them unhappy.

As for your friends telling you to just boost your self esteem: it's more complicated than that. Self worth is the absolute foundation of self esteem. I feel, from what you posted, you are well on your way to developing/increasing your feelings of self worth. Hurrah!

[wingles.livejournal.com]

I admire the size of your balls for posting this.
I agree with your reasoning to a large extent, it's mostly how I see sexuality. Only, I have always been a little squicked out by noncommitment sex. There is absolutely no parental pressure or religious view behind this, either. Rather, I want to rebel against the conservative norms by doing my best to not let them alter my behaviour at all. If I don't want to have sex outside of a comfortable monogamous relationship, I won't, and it will be for my own reasons.

[ngakmafaery.livejournal.com]

...I think it's great to get to know yourself and what does and doesn't make you happy and healthy, and to actually follow through and do it. People seem to feel that sex is something you have to have, and that it's everybody's business about who does what...I remember when a famous british actor mentioned a few years back that he'd been celibate for something like nine years, and people swarmed all over him for reasons why...so rude and tacky, when it was none of their business at all!

I go for a few years or months at a time being celibate/without sexual-romantic contact with others or sometimes even with myself, and it's because it's just the thing for me to do at the time, for choice, health, lack of enthusiasm, other priorities, whatever, but it adds up to *being my choice*, which is the bottom line. I think that if you simply live your life in the way that suits you, eventually the fuss from other people will die down (except for the real dopes who think they have a right to interfere with everybody else's love lives etc.), and you'll simply see what suits you at a given time in your life...it makes sense to me!