no more sex.

[adira.livejournal.com]

Hi, this isn't the typical thing to post here, but I really wanted to get it out and I couldn't find any active appropriate communities.

I am 21 years old and started being involved sexually with boys when I was about 16 (I lost my virginity when I was 19). I am not good with, nor am I very interested in long-term monogamous relationships, so since then I have had many different partners, and in retrospect, I really think that most of them like me as a person (as opposed to a love doll). For a while I thought it was great, and having sex all the time (I was always very good about protection) was a way of showing that I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality or my body, and that I felt powerful.

Eventually it dawned on me that this wasn't making me happy at all, often I would feel used even though I know that my partner really did respect me it didn't change that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I would also sometimes feel guilty that I was manipulating someone else's emotions at the same time I was convincing myself that they only liked me because they wanted to get into my pants. It was a horrible feeling. I sometimes wished I was ugly so people would like me for my personality without any sexual attraction interefering with thier impression of me, on the flip side I'm too much of a wuss to ever "let myself go".

Anyway, for my new years resolution I decided that I was no longer going to be having sex. Most of the time when I tell people that they think I'm religious, but I am not religious at all, I never placed any value on my virginity, I don't believe I am impure for having had sex with many partners, I have no qualms about using any method of birth control, I am not interested in waiting until I am married to start up again if I'm ever interested in getting married at all, and I enjoy masturbating and do so fairly regularly. I don't like using terms like "abstinence" and "celibacy" because I associate them with religion and people who have severely warped views of sexuality and gender roles. A lot of my close friends are very sexually open and think I'm being silly and that I just need to boost my self-esteem, but I don't think they quite understand my reasoning, I think they're uncomfortable with the idea because they too connect it to repressive religious movements in thier head.

Since I have stopped having sex, I have developed what I feel are more healthy platonic relationships with male friends, who are very aware that I do not intend on sleeping with them or anyone else. Maybe its all in my head, but I feel they see me more as a person than as "the girl" now. I have found myself to be less jealous of my friends who are in relationships and more open to speaking to thier singnificant others. I have discovered that a lot of the time I would have sex, it was for attention, and making that not an option has made me realize that I have amazing friends who will give me attention without any alterior motives. I feel better about myself, if I look shitty, who cares I'm not trying to attract anyone, if I look fantastic, the people that matter already know they're not getting any, so there's no guilt there. I also feel really great about having figured it out and taken the initative myself, so guilt from religion, my parnets, friends, etc caused me to do this.

I'm not trying to convince anyone, I just really wanted to share and to find out if anyone else has had similar expereinces.