Fear of Porn meets a Porn Addiction

[help-imalive.livejournal.com]

I've run into quite a roadblock in my own relationship recently. I've been struggling with this the past month, and I am turning to you lovely VP'ers for advice.


I have, from a very young age, had a fascination and fear of pornography. I've been drawn to it, but also repelled because of self insecurities and unresolved issues. I am female, and have always had jealousy issues and fears of the famous "setting the standards too high" results from exposure to pornography. I have struggled with my self appearance, my sexuality, and my mentality because of this.

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for over three years. We've had a damn near perfect relationship, almost like a movie if I can say that realistically. It felt like a fairy tale.
At the start of our relationship, I disclaimed to him my insecurities involving porn. I expressed to him that to me, the concept of masturbation (especially a climax) to another person other than your partner feels similar to cheating. He understood. Since this happening I have become much more comfortable with myself, I feel sexy, I feel desirable, and I feel irresistible. I was so proud of his abstaining from porn, that I felt comfortable with him watching it again. I was about to admit this to him.

Now fast forward to now, and he confesses to me that not only has he been watching porn, but he's been pretending to be someone else online and sexually conversing with others. Exchanging porn with them, sharing how it turns him on and what he'd like to do to them. Not only has he been doing this for 2 years behind my back, it has affected his ability to sustain (or even develop) an erection with me now. He says that there are days when I'm at work, he will do this for hours on end.

He admitted to me that he has a problem. He has an addiction to this online interaction and the pornography he watches. He's read up on addictions to porn, and has admitted to feeling the same desensitization as explained.

I love this boy with all my heart, he's an absolute puzzle piece to my own. I don't want this to be what ends our relationship, but I am so insecure about this that I don't feel as if I can support him enough. This is my ultimate fear come true, and I feel as if I have no where to run or seek refuge in. My own mind is an absolute mess, I've become bitter, I've become jealous, and I've become someone who I don't wish to be anymore.
I fear that he desires what he sees in those videos, and I fear that I cannot fulfill his desires. I've always known he's into kinks beyond what I'm willing to delve into, but now I fear as if he will look elsewhere to satisfy himself. He always used to tell me that he "had a hand", whenever I wasn't in the mood or on my period. Now hearing that makes my stomach churn.


He has openly stated he wishes to stop. He doesn't want to do this anymore, but now I feel so betrayed that it doesn't feel any different. I was deceived for two years. Two years I fell asleep in the same bed as him after he would do these things. It has soured almost all of my memories with him.

Please, if there is any advice you can offer, it will be much appreciated. I don't even know what I am really seeking here other than an opportunity to talk this out. I haven't been able to speak to anyone about it, as all of my close friends are also mutual friends with my boyfriend.

I feel so lost. My confidence is shattered. My familiarity with my self is wavering, and my own interests just remind me of this. I can't enjoy sex (or masturbation) without thinking of this.
This may seem like a petty issue to others, but I can't stress enough the extreme weight of which it is on me. I'm begging for a way out.

Comments

[archangelbeth]

I'd say that this is too big for just two people to handle. You've got insecurities that may or may not be disproportional to the reality (I can't judge that, especially from text alone) and this situation hits your buttons big-time. He's got a psychological addiction. I think it's time to look into finding a professional listener (counselor, therapist, psychologist, couple's counselor...) or two, and get some help. You might even wind up with three people -- his, yours, and y'all's.

If y'all are both willing to work, then yes, this can be saved. But you'll need confidence to shrug off normal "monogamous, but not oblivious" reactions from him -- and he'll need to be able to channel his behavior to something positive instead of the probable cycle of "urge, guilt, stress, guilt tears down mental energy, gives in to the urge, guilt, stress, urge..." And you can't draw strength from him when he's hit all your buttons like this, while he can't lean on you with this because that's what pushes all your buttons.

And that's where a professional or three comes in. And if finances are an issue -- there are people here on VP who Know Stuff about how to get cheaper assistance with such things.

*offer hugs*

[rikkitsune.livejournal.com]

First of all, I would like to point out that this is not your fault, and you should not be blaming yourself for what had happened. I say this, because you were upfront about your reservations regarding sex and porn at the beginning of the relationship. If this was going to be an issue with him, that's when he should have spoken up. If it became an issue for him later, then again, he should have had some dialogue with you about it.

Instead, he has gone behind your back and engaged in behaviour which qualifies, at least in my mind, as being dishonest and unfaithful. I include online sexual interactions and conversations with people other than your partner in my definition of cheating.

If he has a legitimate addiction, fine, but that certainly does not give him a free pass to have cyber-sex with strangers. There is also the issue that his behaviour is now causing problems during his sexual interactions with you. That, to me, is a significant problem.

If I were in your position, I would be giving serious thought to whether the relationship is salvageable, considering the enormous breach of trust. If you are willing to forgive him and support him while he works through his issues, that's your prerogative. If you feel that the betrayal is too much and will colour your entire future with this man, it's okay to call it quits too.

You do not owe him anything you don't want to give, and you are certainly entitled to a relationship with a man who will understand and respect you sexually, as well as remain faithful.

Lastly, please remember that this does not reflect on you as a sexual creature. You are still as sexy and desirable as you always were. Please do not let someone else's psychological issues tear down your self-confidence.

I wish you the best of luck. <3

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

I love this comment

and it may have stayed with me subconsciously as I tried to express what you said, just not as well :p

[hahahabye.livejournal.com]

Don't feel too bad, sweetheart. There are plenty of men in the world that suffer from the same addiction that your loved one does.

Firstly I'd like to address your insecurity about porn and your boyfriend watching it. I happen to be a very sexually open woman so I by no means expect you to follow my example, but I absolutely do not consider masturbating to pornography to be cheating.

My reasoning behind this is because he is not physically going out and cheating on you. He is not directly associating with the persons in the pictures and videos, one on one. He is using them as a tool for arousal... he sees something that turns him on, he likes it, and wants to get off to it. There's nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality this way (at least in my opinion -- mind you, this is just how I view things.)

The thing that I absolutely don't approve of is taking that fascination to the next level and having sexual conversations with someone when you're already in a committed relationship. That is pretty much borderline cheating in my book, unless both people in the relationship have an understanding about it, or something. IDK. But me, personally, I think that's pretty close to cheating.

I understand that you love him, and I think it's very brave of him to come forward and admit to you that he has a problem, and he very much wants to do something about it.

I also understand that it is your own insecurities preventing you from forgiving him and helping him through this.

This is most definitely a two-way street.

I think that in order for you to be in ANY sort of healthy relationship, with this guy or someone else, you need to work on how you view yourself, and you need to not rely mostly on how others view you in order for you to feel good about yourself. You need (again, this is just an opinion, not like you MUST do this...) to look in the mirror, and say yes, I am sexy. I love myself. I'm beautiful, no matter who I'm with.

The biggest issue I'm seeing, strangely enough, is not your boyfriend's addiction to porn and all of the internet stuff he does with it (which is NOT to say that it isn't a big issue...) but the fact that you are not okay with yourself.

You might want to seek some kind of counseling to help you work through your own issues before you start thinking about the issues he has. You can't really be like 'THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME I DON'T FEEL PRETTY I FEEL LIKE HE CHEATED, ETC.' when he is openly admitting his faults to you and obviously wants to seek your support and love and understanding in a time that's potentially much harder for him than it is for you.

I really wish you the best and If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to seek me out. I am so sorry you're struggling with this, but it sounds like you want to feel good about yourself above all, and you have every right to. So I really hope I can help out if you want to talk.

[help-imalive.livejournal.com]

To help elaborate a little on my side of pornography, it feels like cheating because it's enjoying anothers physical figure. Someone else's body, someone else's sounds, and someone else's sexuality.

It's difficult to describe to someone, as my masturbation almost always revolves around my partner. I imagine him, what he does to me, the things he says, how he looks, and how he touches me. It makes me feel close to him. This is just how I feel, but because it isn't mutual, to me it feels as if he doesn't find me attractive at all. He's absolutely irresistible to me, that's why I only think of him. Nobody else can even compare. The things he said and the things he did made me feel as if he felt the same way. I feel deceived more than anything.

Above all I'm just stung because he kept it secret, but he knew how big of a deal it would be with me. He said he wanted to tell me on more than one occasion, but the timing wasn't right. I understand, but in the same instance, it hurts a lot.

It was because of his admiration that I started to recognize my attractive qualities. The things he said turned him on were things I started to believe were honestly sexy. Now he can't even get it up if I try my hardest.

[hahahabye.livejournal.com]

I'd like to correct your view of pornography and how most men view it, but I really don't want to offend you :(

Actually when men masturbate to porn, it isn't really the person in the pornography they're drawn to. It's just the sensations. The sounds. It's not that they're turned on by THAT person's sounds and sights particularly, and it's not that they're into THAT person specifically, it's just the motivation.

I guarantee you that a good percentage of the men who watch porn couldn't give a damn about the woman they were looking at, just that she was having something done to her that turns them on. I know it might be a little hard for you to understand, but I sincerely doubt that while he was watching and enjoying porn, he was thinking about going out and having sex with the woman he was watching.

Also, the way I look at it is like this: You like chicken, right? It's delicious and it might just be your absolute favorite meat/dish in the entire world, no questions asked. But you start eating chicken every single day for every single meal, and it gets a little bland, you know? Sometimes guys just want to watch something that will pique their interest a little bit. That doesn't mean that they love their main dish any less, but they just want to try something else.

Watching porn is a very very healthy way to explore these desires to 'try something else' without actually doing it.

The fact that he took it to another level by contacting other people over the internet and engaging in sexual conversation with them is another matter altogether, though.

I can hypothesize that he honestly did not mean any real harm by doing what he did, but he was (and probably is) still unaware of the damage its doing to you.

Like I said before... this is very much a two way street. You will at some point need to accept the fact that he enjoys pornography, and this does not mean he loves you any less, and he will also have to accept that you wish to be desired more than the pornography itself. (Which is actually probably the case anyway, but he was probably feeling quite oppressed by having to hide his interests in porn from you that he just spiraled downward even more because he was ashamed/embarassed/guilty, etc.)

It's just my personal opinion that no man should be denied the right to WATCH and ENJOY porn if they so choose, but it should also be made very clear that he is not allowed to go any further than that.

Window shopping is one thing, actually buying the product is another, know what I mean?

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I'm really struggling to articulate my thoughts to some of your comments here, teapunk, but I will try to at least say this.

You can't really be like 'THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME I DON'T FEEL PRETTY I FEEL LIKE HE CHEATED, ETC.' when he is openly admitting his faults to you and obviously wants to seek your support and love and understanding in a time that's potentially much harder for him than it is for you.

The OP is dealing with very real and valid hurt, and betrayal, from her partner's choice to violate the mutually agreed-upon boundaries of their relationship, and I feel like this contextualization of that experience really minimizes and invalidates the very real pain she is going through, right now.

I feel like if this post was exactly the same, but concerning physical infidelity instead of pornography, your responses might be much different. And I'd urge you to consider that while you may not consider pornography to be problematic, that the violation of a mutually chosen relationship boundary makes this experience tantamount to any other type of infidelity.

And in dealing with that experience in the safety of this space, I feel like the OP deserves our support, and not an insistence that she "needs" to accept something that is far outside her comfort levels or that she bears responsibility for his adult decision to engage in a behaviour that he knew would hurt her terribly and violate the boundaries of their relationship.

[rikkitsune.livejournal.com]

Well said. I agree 100%.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

You know what...I am having trouble even responding to this in a calm manner, it's so outrageous to me. Here's my best attempt:

Her boyfriend broke an agreement that they had about the guidelines in their relationship. Period. If that's not cheating, not betrayal, then I don't know what is. The fact that he is now admitting it doesn't make the hurt any less real. I hate hate hate your implication that the OP should set aside her personal hurts and try to support her boyfriend in HIS hard time. Her hurt is real, is valid, and deserves support too. Yes he needs support right now...but it's not really appropriate to ask for support from someone that you have seriously betrayed. He needs to find that in other places. The reality is that yes, he seems to have a problem...but just like it's not all about the OP, it's not all about the boyfriend either. His actions, his problem, has had serious consequences for their relationship, and he needs to face up to those...they can't just be brushed aside while she supports him through his hard time.

[kaberett.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I agree with everything you've said here, but haven't been able to articulate it.

[msmoonshade.livejournal.com]

There is something to be said for loving someone enough to work it out and that is utterly up to you. But I agree that having fantasy online relationships with people is a 'big deal'. To me it says that he was not completely engaged in the relationship. It's a slippery slope - especially since he was hiding it from you. How did you come to find out? Pornography is a lightning rod topic in relationships. It in part destroyed my relationship with my second husband, so I can relate to your feelings. It can set unrealistic expectations of women, but it depends on how 'into' porn the guy is. I'm terribly sorry this is happening to you and I want you to know that your feelings on pornography probably aren't so different than many women's. And remember, you were honest with him about your feelings. You haven't done anything to be ashamed of. Ultimately you have to decide just how much you love him and he loves you and if it's worth it to fight for it - as long as he is willing to do the work too. It's probably going to be a long road ahead. :/

[bernthewitch.livejournal.com]

I feel sometimes that my husband has a porn addiction. He spends most nights on various picture and video sites (when I'm sitting next to him or in a different room or at work) clicking through various things (this can be up to 6 - 10 hours on porn sites). The difference I think is that I have *insisted* that I can see what he's doing. Not like watching over him all the time, just, for him to be ok with me looking at him if I want to. The issue I have is that he tended to hide what he was doing in the past, and that made me insecure and made me wonder what else he was doing. His honesty in what he's doing is appreciated, I feel I can trust him with this because he doesn't hide away from me for hours and hours doing whatever he does on those sites.

Another difference is that he's not actively masturbating the entire time. He can sit there for maybe 5 hours and not masturbate or have an erection (remember I'm sat next to him most nights). I think he's just... interested? I don't know. He's got a seriously high sex drive, and I don't match him in that, but I wonder sometimes if looking at porn is making it more so... I don't mind that he looks at porn. He comments on photos and sometimes messages members, but he'll tell me or invite me over to see what he's doing (which I think he likes too). I'm not a big fan of what he's doing, but you know, the alternative is way, way worse: he hides it, lies to me that he's not looking at porn when I *know* (spidey-sense or just plain paranoia) he is, and then it becomes all wrapped up in guilt. So I try not to be judgmental, I allow him to sit there and look at it or have a few hours on a Sunday morning when he enjoys it without me or whatever.

We've tried the "I don't like what you're doing, it's making me feel bad, please stop" route. That failed to work for a long period of time, and he started doing what Beth said: "guilt stress urge". I didn't want him to hide it (that's the worst thing I can think of: hiding = guilt = anger = bad emotions wrapped up in something that could be pleasurable, as far as I see it). So I acquiesce. While I'm not to happy with what he's doing, and he's probably only sort of ok with having to keep it out in the open, it's a compromise, and our relationship is better for it.

Do you think that some of the problems you mention (lack of erection, that sort of thing) could be due to guilt on his part, knowing that he went against your wishes? I'm not judging or evaluating, I'm wondering what you think?

I'm not saying that a compromise is the best way to go for you both, each relationship is different. But it helped me. Maybe have a look into Beth's suggestion of a detached knowledgable third party who's not judgmental or evaluative. It might help. Much love, and I wish you the best. I know how stressful this can be.

[bernthewitch.livejournal.com]

Holy carp. Long comment is LONG. Sorry...

[thesynergizer.livejournal.com]

i am anti-porn and agree with everything you've said. my husband and i have previously separated over this issue, that we've dealt with for years. our story is too long to put here, but if you want to PM me, i would be happy to tell you more. we are in counseling now, and i just wanted to tell you that if he really truly WANTS to stop, its possible. there will probably be setbacks, and he won't be able to do it alone, by sheer willpower, but with help and support, it can be done. that said, you are just dating, yes? not married? if this isn't something you want to worry about/struggle with your whole life, you have a choice. you always have a choice.

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

A petty issue this is most certainly not!

I definitely recommend working on your own self esteem and confidence, for your own sake.

But how you feel about porn? There's nothing wrong with how you feel about it. Your feelings aren't invalid just because they might not be the same as how other people in relationships feel about the issue. Your feelings on the issue need to be respected, and when need be, discussed and worked on.

I have to say...you layed down your feelings, and he agreed and accepted them. Maybe he felt he had to hide, but he could have also brought this up with you, or not accepted abstaining from it. Feeling betrayed for two years? That has got to be incredibly hurtful and difficult. Maybe you can also use professional resources to deal with those feelings as well, so if you're ever in another relationship, the negativity won't carry over, or thoughts about how all future partners will also betray you, if you were to have them.

I strongly suggest looking into couple's counseling, as well as therapy for his addiction, if you decide to stay in the relationship (something you absolutely do not have to do).

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

First of all, big, huge hugs, if you want them. And if it helps to hear this said: your feelings are absolutely valid. You have every right to feel hurt, and to feel betrayed.

I feel like I have a lot to say that I'm struggling to express, but I'll start with this: it is absolutely okay not to accept pornography within the boundaries of your relationship, no matter what the reason. If that is something that is too harmful to you and, thus, the quality of your relationships, then you have every right to draw that line in the sand.

The problem here, obviously, is that you thought that line had been drawn together -- until you learned your partner hurdled right over it.

In the end, that is exactly like any healing from any other type of infidelity, and the feelings you express here are very similar to the ones I felt when I was cheated on, once. You had established what you thought was a mutual agreement about the boundaries of your relationship, and that was violated.

Is it possible to heal from this type of hurt, and violation of your trust? It can be, sometimes, with work. But that work must come in large part from him. Certainly, I hope for you that you can do some individual work on improving your core sense of self-esteem -- essentially, it's important to develop it towards a place where your self-esteem can remain relatively strong, regardless of what other people say or do -- but you are also not obligated to do all of his work as well.

If he says he wants to change: then simply ask him to show you that he can, and will, and is serious about changing. If he believes he has an addiction, then he would be well served by seeking some kind of treatment or therapy for that. If he wants to start regaining your trust, instituting at least temporary measures such as volunteering to show you his Internet history may be something to consider. (That can sometimes backfire, but I found it helpful while healing from infidelity.)

You have the right to ask that he demonstrate to you, in no uncertain terms, that he is committed to his stated desire to change. And that is the real test, I think: it's pretty easy for someone to say they want to change a behaviour which isn't acceptable in the relationship. It's often much harder for them to do it.

While he's working on showing you that he can change, start taking some time to look to yourself as well. Look for things and pursuits and ideas and adventures that improve your relationship with yourself, and your body; things that make you feel good in your own skin and mind. Because you deserve to feel that way, always -- and it is possible to develop that, even after being hurt so deeply.

Good luck.

[x-hypatia-x.livejournal.com]

(Where I'm coming from: nonmonogamous, married for ten years to someone who looks at porn maybe a couple times a week and has around 100 gigs of it on his computer, involved for three years with someone who views porn every day at least twice a day and sometimes for hours daily, and I read porn and am pretty neutral about watching porn.)

So, a few comments. First, I agree with Beth; I think that counseling to help you two through this would be hugely beneficial, because there are several major things you've listed out here.

Second, it seems as though your beliefs and expectations about a relationship may not quite match his. You say that you explained how you feel about masturbation to not-your-partner and that he understood, but I question whether he really did understand this, or simply said that he did. If he doesn't understand it, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT...but it might not be wholly his, either. For instance, from what you initially wrote, I would not have concluded that you would feel as though masturbating to another person would seem like disavowing anything positive and loving ever said to you, because that is so far removed from how I understand masturbation, sex, and love that it would simply never occur to me.

Sometimes, communication seems to be working and both people believe it is working when in actuality neither of you really understood where the other was coming from. That sucks real real hard, but it doesn't mean that he was lying or that you were trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do or that he doesn't love you; it means that there are some problems. For me, one of the biggest problems would be that he lied about this for two years, although I guess that would be mitigated to some extent by his decision to be honest about it now.

(Also, I just want to note that pornography and sex-chatting are not just "things that men do," and that that characterization is harmful to women who are made to feel abnormal if they enjoy pornography, men who may feel abnormal if they do not, men who are engaging in dishonest, unhealthy behavior related to pornography, and people who are involved with those men. Every person is different, every relationship is different, and I do not believe that it is helpful or legitimate or even true to say, "All men are a certain way and if you want relationships with men you will have to change to accept that.")

[angerona.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you said. The communication is key.

One of the things that I noticed is that OP says that her partner "understood" her problems. To me, understanding would be different than agreeing to live by certain rules. E.g., if my husband comes to me and says that he doesn't like sweet pepper, I would be very understanding of that issue (even though I like sweet peppers myself) -- I would certainly sympathize with his problem, and would even go as far as to abstain from cooking it when I'm cooking for both of us. I would be very surprised if he thought that my understanding implied that I would never eat sweet peppers myself. Now, obviously, that's a far more trivial example than the situation here, and I don't mean to equate them, but my point is that sometimes things get lost in communication, and both parties think that they agreed or didn't agree on something different than the other person thinks. It's nobody's fault -- it's just a part of us all being human.


And I also agree with your addition about pornography and not characterizing it as "things that men do." We are all different, and such generalizations are harmful to both genders.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I've read a few of the other responses here and am having a really strong reaction...so I'm going to try to put all that out of my head and respond purely to your original post here.

My opinion is this: you don't need to worry about supporting him right now. He needs to find that support somewhere else...you don't hurt and betray someone and then ask for them to set that aside and help you, you know? Seriously, fuck that. That's his stuff to deal with, and part of facing the damage that he has done is going to be recognizing that you can't be a support to him right now. There are other places he can find support, and he needs to do so. In the meantime, you can focus on yourself, on your healing.

My other advice? Seek therapy. Separately, and perhaps together as well, if you can manage it. This is a hugely significant betrayal, and it sounds as if you could use some help dealing with all the emotions you are facing. He could use some help with the addiction, and your couple relationship could definitely use some help in healing.

Best of luck.

[dearestevermore.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of in awe at some of the other responses too, and not in a good way. Surprised to see some of these things being said in a safe-space because they feel largely shaming/blame-gamey.

[dearestevermore.livejournal.com]

I hope you take the time to heal from this. I hope you can either find a way to forgive your boyfriend and cultivate all these amazing other things about your relationship that you've mentioned or find a way to make peace with leaving him and moving on. Whichever you decide, your emotional health should be the #1 priority... if you can find the energy to support him through his issues, that's great. But if you can't? That's fine too because right now, you need to show yourself the love and support you were expecting from him and didn't get. No matter what you decide to do, it will be the right thing if it leaves you feeling empowered, healthy, and whole.

As someone who's a huge porn fan, and has an established "I think I could forgive physical cheating, but I couldn't forgive lying/dishonesty/emotional cheating" stance with my fiance... I would be absolutely broken in your situation right now. Everything you are feeling right now is real and important and valid. If you can move past the cheating (because if you feel that this was cheating and had established that you felt this was cheating in your relationship...then it's cheating), please seek help with mending the trust broken by the two years of lies, which I feel is a whole different tier of problem. If you genuinely want to give the relationship another chance, seek positive sources that will help you to keep resentment and those insecurities at bay. Above all, you -can- expect more from him than this. This mindset that "He's just a guy, he can't help it" that society has is so damaging. If you need more from him than this to be happy, you are allowed and absolutely within your rights to say "I need more from you than this!". It's up to him whether or not he's willing to give it, but don't be afraid demand better.

[airtosea3.livejournal.com]

I realize there are many comments and its probably getting overwhelming for you, but I've read most of them and I re read your original post so hopefully I can be somewhat helpful.. Firstly, I'm truly sorry for this issue you and your partner are dealing with- big hugs!

I recently posted about something similar in my own relationship, except my boyfriend doesn't have a porn addiction and it was mostly about my own insecurities with sexuality and porn. You have brought up a huge issue that touches many individual people and relationships. There is so much out there about insecurities that women have about porn, or less specifically partners having issues with one watching porn and one disliking porn. Its hard to focus on just one answer with you because I see a few main issues..

I think one of the biggest issues is the porn addiction. If he says he believes he has an addiction and doesn't like it, then maybe that should be dealt with first. There are options here that he and you can do to help him feel better, which in turn may help your relationship. I realize he lied to you, as many others focused on, but simply put- no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. I bring this up because you mentioned that your relationship felt very much perfect in the beginning. I can appreciate that, I feel similar about my own relationship, however I think its unhealthy for you to focus on that. It might make you feel worse about the situation if you continue to compare your current situation to how things used to be (and that goes for almost any situation.) I think that all relationship have a few big issues, hopefully nothing to serious but things happen and people change. I agree with others that its not great how he was communicating with other people.. I kind of imagine it as an out of body experience, which may be completely false since I don't know him, you, or the situation personally.. But if you combine it all together, watching porn, communicating with others and mastrabating- do those things affect the way he feels about you? Or are they just actions, just things he does. So many others commented on how porn is just a visual to help that person imagine you, which could be true for him. However, he says he has an addiction which I think changes things quite a bit and definitely needs to be dealt with asap!

The second biggest issue (in my opinion) are your insecurities. I don't think your insecurities have anything to do with his porn addiction- it didn't cause it, its not your fault, etc. You really didn't do anything wrong by telling him how you felt about porn a few years ago- you didn't tell him not to watch it, you came to an agreement. To me that sounds great. However, it didn't quite solve anything in a way.. you still have the same feelings about it. I completely understand where you are coming from, I feel exactly the same way you do and I'm trying to deal with it. I have a huge problem with porn, sexuality, anything like that. Sex is extremely private to me, its like a secret I have with my partner. I think this stems from my own insecurities with my body and my sex appeal. In one word, I feel prude- its just part of my demeanor, I guess. I like to be sexy with my partner and its becoming easier to cary it with me outside of the bedroom, if that makes sense. Anyways- aside from the other issues you mentioned, this is very important even on its own, even if nothing bad had happened. Really look at yourself and try to get to the root of it. Someone suggested to me to make lists about things- why you are sexy, why you are a good person, why he loves you, what you add to his life and vice versa. I'm getting a little sidetracked but I think your insecurities are going to haunt you if you don't deal with them soon!

I feel really strongly about your post and I really wish you the best. Do whats best for you and your partner. If this relationship matters to you which it sounds like it does, its important for you to support each other while working this out. I wouldn't throw it away because of this, its worth it to try. People make mistakes, the lie might be his big mistake he makes in this relationship- no one can accurately say that since he did this, he will continue and do it again or something worse.

[audiohorror.livejournal.com]

It's a tough situation to deal with for sure. I also dealt with this for 2 years. My boyfriend would go as far as doing all of this plus texting/emailing random girls and girls who I assumed were my best friends. I never realized that he was doing it sitting right beside me while furiously texting and leaning just-so-perfectly out of my range of sight. I already had a poor body image and he was doing it increasingly around the timeframe when I had both of my abortions (which left me obviously disconnected and damaged). He went so far as to touch my ex-best friend's ass in the backseat of the car we were both in. The only way I was able to find out about all of this was from catching an open text message from her on his phone. Our relationship was severely damaged and quite often on the brink of ending.

I think a good thing is that he realizes that he has a problem. If you want to see this relationship flourish and continue, I think it would be good to seek out counseling - not only for his addiction but also for your own issues that you feel about this. I never had anyone to talk to about what was happening to me, and I wish I would have sought counseling through it. Things have smoothed over for the time being but I still have pretty terrible trust issues. It is hard to get over how he was talking to these girls so explicitly while ignoring me. It was also hard to swallow the fact that a handful of these girls were people who claimed to be close friends of mine and never told me. But I wanted to see this relationship through. And once I decided that, we were able to start on the long, difficult road to repairing our relationship. So I think the first step for you is to decide how to proceed - and if you choose to stay with him I think you need to understand that it will be hard to support his recovery and bandage your own wounds. He also needs to understand how much it hurt you and it would be good if you included some ways for him to help you feel better about all of this.

Good luck, I wish you the absolute best. And always know that you are beautiful and wanted. <3