Swelling

Apr. 11th, 2010 11:53 pm
[identity profile] dulcet-moi.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] vaginapagina
My current boyfriend is only the 2nd man I have ever had sex with. We've been having a problem lately, and I don't know if it's him or me. My last boyfriend was not as well-endowed as my current boyfriend. To be blunt about it, he's huge. Also, he's not very sensitive, so sex with us normally averages between an hour to two hours. 

We always make sure I'm good and wet before we start. To make sure, we even use KY Intrigue along with what we've already got going on our own. For the most part, I enjoy it and love it. However, by the time we're done, it just gets SO painful. I end up staring at the ceiling zoning out thinking, 'OMG mind out of body experience try not to think about it.' My inner labia (which I think is the proper thing to call it, the fleshy little pads at your entrance) gets SO swollen and it stings to pee. It's almost like it's been rubbed raw/chaffed and a lot of times I even have little spots of blood when I wipe, which I think is just from the rawness of it. All the pain is on the outside. Once he's inside it doesn't really hurt, but if he happens to withdraw it completely, him pushing it back in is just excruciating. Sex most of the time is just me saying, eventually, "Please just stop. You can keep it in. Please don't take it out. It's going to hurt so bad when you take it out."

I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if it's just his size. =/ He has a very pronounced head and the girth is more than most. He has offered stop having sex with me when I'm done and it starts to hurt, but I often find myself hiding the pain until it's done because I want him to come, too. 

Part of me is thinking, hoping, and praying that maybe I just need to get used to his size and eventually it will go away. He was a virgin before me, and he has nothing to compare it to. I have been to a doctor who has always said maybe I have an infection, but I had a full STD test done and I had swabs done to make sure I didn't have a bacterial infection or a yeast infection. I don't have anything wrong with me on that front.

I'm wondering if anyone else has this problem? I tried to talk to my girlfriends about it, but they said they had no one of that size to compare it to . . and it's never been a problem. The phrases 'lucky beeotch' and 'quit bragging' have come up, but really, it's terribly painful. :( I often stay swollen and sore for a day or two after we make love, and I often have to turn him down just because the swelling is so bad. =/ We're moving in together on May 1st, and part of me just cringes to think about the increase in sex that will probably happen. I hate that, as much as I love my boyfriend and our sex life, I just anticipate pain when we're starting.  

Date: 2010-04-12 04:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] atalanta0jess.livejournal.com
Honestly, it sounds less like a problem with you OR a problem with his size, and more like a result of how long your sex is lasting. I don't knkow if you mean 1-2 hours of thrusting or what, but anything more than 10 minutes, and I am SO DONE. Think about it this way: Rub any part of your body for 2 hours. Its not gonna feel real great. And there comes a point where more lube just doesn't help - prolonged friction like that is painful for many of us, and that's totally and completely normal.

My advice? Find some other way for him to finish. Don't have sex that is painful - the consequences for your sex life both with him and with others could be quite negative. No joke - having repeatedly painful sex can cause your body (and mind) to expect sex to be painful...which just makes it even more painful. There is no reason for you to be experiencing pain just so he can bust a nut, to be frank. Sex should be about both of your enjoyment, and him rubbing you raw doesn't really fit within that paradigm.

Another thing is that you may want to use a different lube - isn't intrigue one of those ones that has added tingle or something? I'd go with something much simpler. You might look for lubes that are used for anal sex maybe, because they might have more protective power to them...I don't really know though, just a hunch.

He may have made himself less sensitive by masturbating roughly - changing his technique or taking a break from masturbation might help.

In the end though, if I were in your shoes, he would flat out need to realize that his pleasure was not worth my pain. No way, especially not for that length of time or on a frequent basis. You deserve a pleasurable sex life just as much as he does, and anyone who says otherwise is just full of it.

Date: 2010-04-12 04:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magna-carter.livejournal.com
Very well said.

Date: 2010-04-12 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] atalanta0jess.livejournal.com
Honestly, I don't know that there is a solution that will make you able to withstand an hour of thrusting without experiencing pain. I think the real solution lies within yourself - you can work to understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you - you are a normal, flesh and blood human being, period. You know, society tells us that the perfect woman is always ready to be fucked, and that's just not true. Its impossible. You don't deserve to be experiencing this pain though, no way, no how.

If it were me, I'd definitely have him work on becoming more sensitive - I think a lot of guys have this problem, actually. The death grip does us women no favors at all! ;)

Date: 2010-04-12 06:12 am (UTC)
kuangning: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kuangning
You might try holding off on penetration until he's almost there. There's no rule that says he has to be inside you from start to finish, as it were. That sidesteps you feeling bad because he didn't finish inside you, while still not making you deal with being rubbed raw.

Date: 2010-04-12 06:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] queensugar.livejournal.com
Ooph. I can assure you that there's nothing wrong with you that you can't "sit there and take it": an hour or more of penetration is going to be very, um, irritating and downright painful on the majority of vaginas, and "taking it" shouldn't be a key feature of a mutually satisfying sex life.

On average, the penetrative portion of sexual intercourse lasts about seven to 10 minutes; that's more or less what our bodies are designed to handle comfortably (with some variation of course), and you guys are going wayyyy over that. I don't think your body is going to "get used to him." I suspect your body probably needs a serious break from prolonged penetrative friction.

One thing I would suggest is working with your partner to ensure sex stops when it begins to become painful. Exposure to repeated painful penetration can sometimes lead to, well, increasingly painful penetration, as it can cause the vaginal muscles to uncontrollably tense as part of a subconscious anticipation of pain.

Plus, both you and your partner deserve to enjoy sex when it isn't causing one of you extreme pain!

I second the recommendations to talk to him about possibly ceasing masturbation or at least masturbating with a relatively gentle touch; I also suggest waiting to initiate penetration until he's much closer to orgasm via foreplay. If, during penetration, things start becoming too much, another trick is to have him simply pull out and finish via masturbation or oral or manual stimulation from you.

Date: 2010-04-12 02:18 pm (UTC)
archangelbeth: An egyptian-inspired eye, centered between feathered wings. (Eye in the Pyrawings)
From: [personal profile] archangelbeth
An hour. Of friction. Owwww. No, there is NOTHING wrong with you. And, you know what? Even if it were a case where you had some issue with nerve endings that were oversensitive? That STILL doesn't mean that you should suffer through sex!

Either he needs a huge amount of more foreplay, so he's nearly ready to go before y'all start with the penetration -- and adjust the amount of foreplay as needed so you can enjoy it, too -- or only go till you've had your fun, and finish him off after; or he needs to stop masturbation or sexual things for about a week and see if he can re-train himself to a very light touch.

Your body and your sexual response is individual, and... Unless it's the fun hurty that some BDSM people go for, pain really isn't a good idea. Seriously; you can give yourself a condition called vaginismus, which is a blink reflex of the vaginal muscles, trying to prevent penetration. And, naturally, penetrating anyway hurts, which strengthens the reflex, etc. It's not conscious, it's a reflex, like if you have something come at your eye and you blink. Once that reflex is established, via painful sex, it can be extremely hard to make it go away. I think that'd be a much more inconvenient thing to work around than figuring out some way to make sure you're not in pain!

Please, don't ever, ever feel that you should like there and take it. Sex is for fun, not a grueling marathon that we're judged on, that we have to be Tough and Take It. O:(

Date: 2010-04-13 05:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetvtkk102.livejournal.com
OMG THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!! Seriously.. he should not hump you to death. You don't need to take it just to let him finish... sex is for YOUR satisfaction too. Also, if you guys are using condoms, try a drop or two of lube inside the condom before he puts it on... ANYTHING to make him more sensitive so he doesn't last that long. SHEESH! I'm done after 15 minutes! And I love me some sex!

Date: 2010-04-12 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jacketeer.livejournal.com
This x a million. Seriously, an hour or two? Holy OW.

Date: 2010-04-12 06:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] porcelain-ocean.livejournal.com
I had an ex like this, large and lasting beyond anything I could handle) and thought I was broken. In truth it was just him being used to an utter death grip while masturbating (so death grip in fact I couldn't replicate it no matter how hard I squeezed while giving him a hand job) and therefore my vag (rightfully so) couldn't replicate that sensation.

It took months of work, but he learned different ways of masturbating without the death grip. It was a combination of him maturbating only when he felt like he would burst, and he couldn't grip. He promised me that if he couldn't get off on a lighter grip, he didn't get off.

Also, if we were having sex, we would go until I got sore then finish him off in other ways. I found the more times I had sex til I got sore, the more I expected it and the less I wanted to have sex as having a sore vag just wasn't worth it over time. Not to mention I didn't particularly have many two hour blocks of time in my day to just sit around and have sex, I've had a full time job, part time school, a young dog and chores, something's gotta give and it turned out to be my health.

Date: 2010-04-13 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetvtkk102.livejournal.com
How about you tell him to just.. stop.. for a little while. Make it a challenge for the two of you... try to not do anything for a week, maybe he'll re-learn what good light sensation is like.

Date: 2010-04-12 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ripcurled.livejournal.com
1 - 2 hours of penetration would probably make anyone sore.

Date: 2010-04-12 08:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sabishii-kirito.livejournal.com
Maybe have him stop masturbating for a while? He may be putting more pressure on his penis than he thinks. I assume most guys are different and have different preferences, but the swirling around the head thing sounds like he might have been oversensitizing his penis from the beginning. TMI, but when I masturbate clitorally with the head of my fiance's penis, anything more than a few minutes is way too much for him because of the constant stimulation. Less masturbation (or less swirling) could help with resensitize him, and it would make him hornier and (in my experience) finish sooner.

Another option might be to have him masturbate (or you do it for him or give a blowjob) until he's about go orgasm, and then start penetration. Or have him finish on his own. I've had to do that a few times, and my fiance is just as happy to finish on my chest as he is inside me. He's pretty well-endowed, and 1-2 hours straight would probably make me not want sex for a month.

Date: 2010-04-12 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cheeseydreams.livejournal.com
I'm assuming you stop to reapply lube as needed, right? If not, you really should. Personally speaking, most times I can get wet just fine, but if the sex lasts longer than normal, it starts to hurt my inner labia (the same sort of burning sensation you described). At first, I was embarrassed about needing lube, but it makes a huge difference. The lube I use is Pjur Woman, which is a silicon based lube.

My other thought is have you tried different positions where you can try other motions than just thrusting? For example, woman on top, you can make a circular motion with your hips, that might mimic his masturbatory motions enough to get him off. In that position you can also preventing him from fully exiting you (and save your inner labia from being tugged).

Date: 2010-04-12 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] knittinggoddess.livejournal.com
I agree about the lube. I've found that lube with glycerin and parabens (so most lube in the supermarket and drugstore) really makes me more sensitive in a bad way. My boyfriend and I recently switched to Sliquid Botanicals, which is glycerin and paraben-free and yes, the lube doesn't last as long, but I last longer now. Given that parabens are a definite irritant to some people (http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/ingredient.php?ingred06=703937), I shouldn't be surprised.

OP, I also recommend more pre-penetration sex: handjobs, oral, mutual masturbation, etc. Dan Savage would agree with previous commenters that he's trained himself to get off in one specific manner.

Good luck.

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