the right thing, or worrying over nothing??

[spudy-massacre.livejournal.com]

So I have an issue that I can certainly use some advice on.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Great relationship, love him very much, all that. However, we haven't had sex in eight months. The reason is that I had gotten off the Pill, and I'm so, so scared about possibly becoming pregnant if I have sex without it. I can't even trust just condoms. My boyfriend understands my beliefs and respects them, but I can tell that it sometimes bothers him although he would never say it to me. We do try to have fun in other ways besides full-on intercourse, but sometimes, it just isn't the same.

So I'm wondering, am I really being paranoid over nothing? Am I doing the right thing? I started a new job not too long ago and am not eligible for benefits, so I really can't afford Birth Control Pills right now.  I know that I wouldn't be able to provide for a baby in case something did happen, which is why I'm resisting temptation all the time...but is it worth it? I sometimes lose sleep wondering if my boyfriend is one day going to get so frustrated that he'll just leave me or get his kicks with someone else...

I guess I just wonder if I'm worrying over nothing and if there is anyone else who is maybe going through a similar situation...and how do they get through it?

Comments

[intothefireugo.livejournal.com]

With proper use, condoms are 99.9% effective. Proper use includes: storing them in a cool environment (not your car or your wallet), making sure you use them before the expiration date, using only one at a time (no double bagging), putting the condom on before intercourse, not touching his precum and then touching your vagina, etc (can anyone add to the list?).
Of course, things can always go wrong, but the best part with condoms is, if something goes wrong, you usually know (it breaks, slips off, you have unprotected sex before putting on the condom, etc). If something does go wrong, you can use Plan B (the morning after pill), and that is pretty effective as well. The best plan is to have Plan B on hand (you can get it at pretty much any pharmacy, no prescription needed) just in case. You can take it *that night/morning* which will help protect you right away.
And in hopes of making you feel better: I had sex ONLY using condoms for 8 years, and never ever got pregnant. I did end up getting pregnant eventually... but that was by having unprotected sex with my husband.
I hope that helps!!!

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

With proper use, condoms are 99.9% effective.

Do you have a source for that? Both Contraceptive Technology (http://www.contraceptivetechnology.com/table.html) and Planned Parenthood (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/condom-10187.htm#effective) put male condoms as 98% effective with perfect use.

[intothefireugo.livejournal.com]

Shoot, my bad. I thought it was 99, but I guess it is 98. I should have looked that up to be sure. Everything else is right though, I think!

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I know this isn't quite what you asked - but have you considered an IUD? They are even more effective than the pill and often have less sucky side effects.

One thing that might help would be working out a plan of exactly exactly what you would do if you did accidently get pregnant. Whether you would carry the pregnancy or not, if so, whether you would keep the child or not, who you would call for an abortion/prenatal care/adoption/support. Stuff like that.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Oops, I missed the part about going off of the pill because of money. Have you looked into getting the pill at planned parenthood or something? I think that a lot of pills are available for like 4 bucks at walmart too...with a bit of investigation you might be able to find a good option.

That said, if there are other reasons you don't want to be having sex, that's totally and completely fine. Just keep the lines of communication with your dude open so he can say something (without guilt) if it starts to get too much for him. If things reach that point, maybe you can renegotiate/reconsider whether that's your choice, but in the meantime if he says its fine...believe him. :)

[lunarei.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely fine. If he loves you, he's not going to want to get his kicks elsewhere. My fiance felt the same way before we were engaged, and we didn't have sex, but you know, we survived. ;)

[lady-borg.livejournal.com]

In my opinion I think you are over thinking it. What you are doing is the exact same way my boy and are doing it and I have never had any issues. You should be fine.

[ochibawolf.livejournal.com]

I'm super afraid to get pregnant too. I can't take birth control pills because of my lifestyle of not taking any pills.
I have been having sex w/ condoms for over 2 years and no problems whatsoever with only condoms.
But only do what you feel comfortable with.
And if the condom did leak/break there is always the $30 morning after pill.

[imnotyourstarx.livejournal.com]

if you dont trust condoms, i suggest an IUD. i love my mirena because i dont ever have to think about it, im protected 100% of the time, and its totally, completely idiot-proof. thats my favorite part. you simply cant mess up!

have you and your boyfriend ever talked about what would happen if you did become pregnant? having a clear plan may help relieve a lot of your anxiety.

are there any other issues that may be causing you to not want to participate in sex? self-esteem issues? past trauma issues? (you dont need to answer me on that...) because if this is causing you to loose sleep and is causing serious problems with your interpersonal relationships, maybe it is time to find someone to talk to (besides the lovely men and women of VP on LJ.)

[abalone99.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what you or your boy's financial situation is like but maybe talk to him about the issue and decide that if having sex and being protected is important enough to BOTH of you that you both go halfsies on obtaining BC. Depending on your income level you can get reduced or sometimes free BC from Planned Parenthood. I think it's totally fair for the male in a relationship to help share the financial responsibility when it comes to pregnancy prevention. Just another idea.

I sympathize too though b/c neither my boy nor I make very much at all and it is difficult to work (and play! :P) w/o health insurance.

Good luck!

[abalone99.livejournal.com]

Oh one more option I forgot to mention - would doubling up on condoms and maybe like a sponge soaked w/ spermicide calm your fers? That way your doubling up on BC methods?

[rainbowaster.livejournal.com]

using two condoms is going to destroy the efficacy of condoms. only use one condom, ever.

[intothefireugo.livejournal.com]

I think she meant double up on protection: condom + spermicide, but that definitely needed clarification, either way.

[rainbowaster.livejournal.com]

haha, I thought she meant doubling up on condoms and then using spermicide, and I was all, oh shit, nooooO!

[abalone99.livejournal.com]

Eeks. Sorry, no no no, definitely didn't mean to put two condoms on. Sorry, meant to say to double up the condom WITH the sponge/spermicide. But you're right - rereading that I see how I did not phrase that correctly at all! Yes, OP, as rainbowaster says, doubling up condoms is definitely NOT what to do. But hopefully by now you understand what I was trying to say.


Doh.

[tweak23.livejournal.com]

Spermicide is essential an industrial grade detergent... Many vaginas react to it and most sexual health clinics advise against it these days. Unless you have IronTrapSnatch that is mighty and not sensitive to chemicals, that is!

[abalone99.livejournal.com]

Wow, I didn't know that! This community is great! Ok, well my point still stands that you could try to double up w/ 2 different forms of birth control that are not quite as expensive as BCP or an IUD or the like. using a condom and a diaphragm for example.

Thanks for the info on the spermicide. Luckily I think I'm one of those gals that does seem to have an IronTrapSnatch and can handle just about anything. Though I have never tried spermicide.

[marieskye.livejournal.com]

im not on bc,strictly rely on condoms + withdrawal.

if you combine condoms,withdrawal,and finding out when you are most fertile (and refraining from having sex on those days) there is pretty much no way you can get pregnant. maybe a 1 in a billion chance (im making up numbers,obviously! but my point is,its a very very slim chance).
Plus you could try the spermicide too,if you're still paranoid.

[intothefireugo.livejournal.com]

I agree - condoms are great for paranoid people because you can usually tell when they fail, but using them with withdrawal, and spermicide take your chances down to like, a 0.00000000001% chance.

[redneckpast.livejournal.com]

The Depo shot is fantastic. I was on the pill for years, and don't know why I didn't switch sooner. Once every three months you get a shot and you're good to go. It puts your mind at ease because you don't have to worry about missing a pill or taking a pill at the same dang time every day.

[xoxriotgrrl.livejournal.com]

If you combine condoms with another form of birth control, you should be fine. Realistically, using just condoms would be fine, but I understand if you're a bit paranoid about that. My boy and I use condoms, withdrawal, spermicide, and FAM, simply because I don't respond well to HBC. Yes, it's a lot of work to track my fertility, and sometimes we have to interrupt ourselves during play to slip on a condom and put a VCF in place, but it works. Really, percentage wise, by taking a condom and adding ANY other type of birth control/contraception to the mix, you're extremely close to 100% protected. Recently I got a pamphlet from PP, and it states that just with a condom and withdrawal, it's considered 100% effective done perfectly, otherwise around 98%. So don't worry too much, and I hope everything works out for you!

[aspirituntamed.livejournal.com]

I can be no help on the birth control issue, but I can say that, it is possible to be with someone and have them not leave or go off to get sex with someone else, if the two of you aren't having sex. Goodness, my man and I have been together for over four years and we don't have sex. We do, do everything else, but we do not have sex. His choice and I completely respect that. I love him more than air and of course, am very excited for the day we do get to. But I love him and am willing to wait or, in the case of right now, not do it, because that's what he wants and that really matters to me.

So,in short, if he really loves you, and wants to keep being with you, then he will.

Hope that helps on some level.

[desert--moon.livejournal.com]

On the birth control side, I've used condoms + spermicide before with no problems. I get the VCF brand of spermicide because it is a simple film insert (takes 20 minutes to dissolve -- foreplay is mandatory! ;)) and has the highest concentration of spermicide than any other brand. This also could cause irritation, but I was mostly fine. And everything irritates my body... all of it!

On the other side of things, I can't stand wondering. If there's an issue I'm concerned about, I bring up at the soonest possible appropriate moment. Don't lose sleep over the concern about your BF's feelings on the lack of intercourse, unless staying up half the night is all part of the conversation to settle this matter! Talk about it, and talk about possible other methods of BC than the pill that could work for you both.

[lokiismykitten.livejournal.com]

If you two are both smart about it and go with proper use condoms can work as everyone else said. I also want to pipe in you may want to look into an IUD. I got a paraguard for around $400 from my local Planned Parrenthood. (Prices Vary across the country and Paraguard does a payment plan or you could possible get it for free, I think my county gives them away to low income people) I LOVE mine since its the most effect form of birth control, no hormones and I am good for 12 years. Also $400/12years makes it the cheapest form of birth control around.

[archangelbeth]

My spouse and I use Naturlamb (lambskin) condoms. We did most of this before we (deliberately) had a kid -- now we use them much less because of more constant exhaustion and thus going to non-PIV stuff. However, in the 10 years pre-kid? No breaks, no tears, and only one slip that was definitely user-error (and it only spilled on the outside). And no kids. The only pregnancy scares were scares from my irregular, undiagnosed-hypothyroid periods.

You could also, though, look into how much it would cost to get an IUD -- the mirena has low-dose hormones, I believe, as well as being an IUD, and you might be able to save up enough to obtain one even off-insurance? Planned Parenthoods may come in handy for the prescription/insertion.

Luck!

[chiyo-no-saru.livejournal.com]

Condoms are very, very effective when used and stored correctly and used every time, even if he just wants to put it into you for a "little bit." (Sorry, pet peeve!)

That being said, I understand your concern. If you're extremely worried about pregnancy, deciding not to have vaginal intercourse is a totally okay decision--and it's hard to argue with its efficacy! There are lots of non penis-in-vagina sexual activities that are just as fun and satisfying.

If you feel particularly pressured by your partner to have vaginal intercourse, tell him that if he's not willing to accept your decision to not have a penis in your vagina, that he can pony up the money for birth control methods. If your boyfriend is truly that frustrated, well, he has a perfectly good hand if he deeply feels the need to insert his dick into something warm and skin-like. Someone who would leave you because they can't put their dick into you when you are more than willing to have other kinds of sex isn't someone that truly cares or respects you.

This is a decision that only you can make. If you're very scared of pregnancy--and God knows I am too!--it is a totally reasonable and logical decision to just not have vaginal sex.

[starry3yedgrl.livejournal.com]

Deciding not to have sex is defintely a personal choice, but if your losing sleep over it and worrying, I would look into something. I totally understand your concern with condoms only...despite the high percentage effective rate, alone they make me nervous.

I would check out the $4 prescriptions at walmart...I have never filled an RX there so I am not sure of the stipulations, but check it out and see if any BC can be filled for 4 bucks without insurance. Check PPH to see if you can get them for reduced cost, and talk to your bf about going halfsies on full priced BC if nothing else.

You could also try some kind of spermacide insert along with the condom to up its protection a little, or combine condoms with the W/D method.

Above all, talk to your boyfriend, communication is key. Let him know that if he is ever unhappy with the lack of sex (or anything else) that he can come to you about it and you'll deal with it then. Its a lot easier to be content with a decision knowing that you can trust that your bf is happy if he says he is.

[glortw.livejournal.com]

I don't trust just condoms. I don't have benefits either, but have you tried Planned Parenthood? Mine gave me birth control for twenty something dollars. Even when I got them from my pharmacy, they gave me the generic and without insurance it's only $29.48.