Why do we always freak? Discussion

[katastrophe1187.livejournal.com]

I have been a member of vaginapagina for about a year now. It is one of my favorite sites and has helped me in more ways than one many times. However,I always notice that there are freak out posts. Late periods, pregnancy symptoms, fear of pill not working etc. Now I'm not ragging on anyone, I have posted a number of those posts myself. What I want to know is why do we do it? We are all smart, sophisticated, modern day people, so why when something isnt right do we assume pregnancy? Why is it the worst thing that can happen? Why can't we think clearly even though we know we are being irrational?

I dont know. Does it have something to do with society? And how pregnancy is percieved? Or how abortion has been red flagged as "the evilest of evils?" Are we subconsciously playing into the hands of those who want us to be afraid, despite knowing better?

As I said I don't know. But I know I hate myself after I have a "freak attack," I just want to know if anyone else out there feels the same or understands what I am saying.

Comments

[hold-fast.livejournal.com]

This has fascinated me as well, but in another way. I've posted my own freak outs as well, but I always end up sitting there wondering why I'm bothering. No matter what it is I'm scared about, at that point, it's either going to happen or it isn't. Yes or no. Freaking out just makes things super hard to handle, but I don't think anyone can help it.

[paperispatient.livejournal.com]

I think you're asking really good and important questions!

It's interesting. I don't want to have kids, ever. I know it is a wonderful and fulfulling life choice for many people, but I just have absolutely no desire to ever have children. Because of this, it surprises me that I have never had an am-I-pregnant freakout. I chalk some of that up to the fact that I've only had one PIV sex partner and we were only together for like 3 months. That whole time, I was on HBC and we skipped condoms only twice. Looking back on it, and knowing myself as I do (I tend to be a worrier but also an optimist), it kind of surprises me that after those two times we didn't use a condom, I didn't get all paranoid and anxious. I think that I had (and have) complete faith in HBC and in my as-close-to-perfect-as-possible use of it (I take it at 5PM every day, occasionally half an hour early if I have an exercise class). I also stack my HBC so I only have 4 periods a year, so there was never really a chance for anything to happen to make me think I could be pregnant - no period? Well, good, it's working how it's supposed to. Perhaps whenever I start having more sex and on a more regular basis, this will change.

[paperispatient.livejournal.com]

Also, I feel like I should add that I TOTALLY understand the freaking out because I tend to be somewhat of a hypochondriac. I drive myself nuts fretting about STIs. The logical side of me realizes that 1. I've been tested, 2. based on the partners I've been with and the precautions we've taken it's not likely that I have an STI and 3. even if I did have one, it is by no means the end of the world or of my sex/love life. But the emotional, hypochondriac side of me flips out over any change at all in the way my vulva looks or feels and is convinced that despite going to the gyno regularly and having been tested that somehow something has been missed. I wish I didn't freak myself out this way! So you're definitely not alone in that. :)

[agraciado.livejournal.com]

I think the freak attack is normal for first timers.

But for "veterans" I just don't get it. The thing that puzzles me is if people don't want to get pregnant so badly, why aren't they being super careful?

[loloencia.livejournal.com]

iawtc

[druiaen.livejournal.com]

Hm. I think it has most to do with how life-changing pregnancy is. Whether a woman will terminate or carry to term is a huge choice, and even after the choice is made it's something that she's got to live with for the rest of her life. And if you're not ready (mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.) to make that kind of decision the thought of being faced with it can be horrifying and overwhelming. Since no method other than abstinence is 100% effective there's always that chance, no matter how small, that it might happen and for some that's just enough to start worrying.

[katastrophe1187.livejournal.com]

Do you think it is because we have been taught that abortion is shameful?

[aechei.livejournal.com]

lack of appropriate sex-education in this country means that, no offense intended to the populace (i've been there too), we're freaking stupid when it comes to sex. there's a climate of fear and a dearth of good, honest information/

[katastrophe1187.livejournal.com]

I agree whole-heartedly with that. If we were more aware of what was happening with our bodies and what sex is, I know we would all be much more comfortable with ourselves and everything that comes with sex.

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I could rant on this for approximately forever, but I'll try to make it short.

I think it all comes down to the assumed loss of control. This may be magnified by how much access a woman does or does not have to care and support in her area. For instance, in my country, all abortions are free to the woman seeking one. But in a country like the U.S., where abortions can be extremely expensive and difficult to access, I can see why this doesn't exactly lend to a feeling of security for those that may choose that option.

Ultimately, the one thing I don't think we ever really teach women is that they are in control. That they are in control of their bodies, control of their reproductive choices, and control of their future. And I think that the spectre of an unplanned pregnancy represents the ultimate in the loss of control.

For me, the breakthrough was the first day I actually sat down and started to make a plan about what I would do if I became pregnant. Somewhere in that process, it was like a flash of light over my head: I am in control. An unplanned pregnancy would not destroy my life. I am strong enough to handle it, make decisions, access the resources I need to access, and come out the other end whole, healthy, and alive.

We never really give that message to young women, I don't think. We mix it up way too much with damnation, judgment, and this repeated concept that an unplanned pregnancy will "ruin your life," that it means you were "irresponsible and/or stupid."

Neither of those things are true. Women are strong enough to handle it in a way that works for them. It may not be an ideal way, depending on the individual, but forcing it into women's heads that an unplanned pregnancy is the Ultimate Terrifying Thing that You Cannot Handle isn't helping.

The other thing is education -- I think many women don't really know how the pill works, how pregnancy happens, etcetera.

[ldy-shadow.livejournal.com]

This times two. queensugar said it far more eloquently than I would have.

[storychick.livejournal.com]

I think its about control. We have all these resources to control our bodies -- our periods, our family planning, our birthing -- we have a perception that we have choices about these things 100%. But nature is messy, and our resources are imperfect, and sometimes nature wins. Its hard to accept, because we are supposed to be 'in control' and we're, well, not completely. and that's in odds with our modern lifestyle and our perception of ourselves as women. Men don't have the same lifelong wrestling with nature (though I guess they have parts of their bodies that sometimes react unpredictably too!) and I think dont feel quite so at the mercy of forces beyond their control (and, I think this has led some of them to see us as weak, because we can't control those things -- that whole 'do you want someone with PMS in charge of the Big Nuclear Button' argument, etc).

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

I don't have too many freak attacks myself. The only one I had where I was seriously worried resulted from a time when there had been no contraception involved at all.

There have been other times, though, where I was definitely concerned, but I'd characterize it more as annoyance than as panic. (I say this because, before I learned to track my cycle, I experienced the same feelings regarding late periods -- only I hadn't been sexually active then, so pregnancy wasn't a possibility.)

When this happens for me, I think I'm the most upset about not knowing. If I were to be pregnant, I'd want to know as soon as possible so that I could plan accordingly. And there have been times I've been in living situations and locations following through with those plans would have been financially and logistically very tricky -- as well as pretty time-bound. Knowing ASAP is a big deal to me because until I know, I can't plan. And when I can't do anything, I feel helpless.

I've even been aggravated when my period's been off, even when pregnancy was extremely unlikely. (The time I'm thinking of involved me having PIV sex once since my last period, far more than a week before ovulation, and that sex was with an IUD in place.) I still paid loose attention to my fertility signs and was reasonably sure that I'd ovulated, and that my luteal phase was extended. Even with a negative pregnancy test, my period not showing up made me feel like something was wrong. Knowing that it wasn't pregnancy didn't make me feel any better about what I didn't know.

[coleylovesloren.livejournal.com]

It's kind of human nature to freak out... I mean isn't it better to freak out find out it's nothing, than just assume it's nothing and later on find out it really is something?

People freak out over many things. I'd like to meet someone whos never freaked out about anything in life... it would be very interesting. :)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I mean isn't it better to freak out find out it's nothing, than just assume it's nothing and later on find out it really is something?


Maybe for some people. I tend to think that there's nothing productive or beneficial at all about having a real freakout: I think it's better to be in possession of facts and be able to calmly and rationally assess a situation and act accordingly, without being troubled by fear and paranoia.

I mean, I see so many women, both here and at the clinic I volunteer at, whose lives are really negatively impacted by pregnancy fears, STI fears, etcetera. It hurts their ability to enjoy sex and relationships. It hurts their ability to focus on school, to enjoy life, to calm down -- always having that fear in the back of their head.

And it really breaks my heart, because I think we deserve to be able to enjoy our lives and decisions fully without having to have this negative cloud of fear hanging over some of those decisions.

[pirate-poet.livejournal.com]

We are all smart, sophisticated, modern day women...

I think you're raising good points for discussion here and asking thoughtful questions. But I'd liked to just point out that not all vaginapagina members/readers identify as women, and not all people who have the ability to become pregnant are women.

[katastrophe1187.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness. I am terribly sorry for my gaffe. I wasn't trying to be ignorant. I changed it right way. Thank you for pointing it out to me though. :)

[lilium-vitiate.livejournal.com]

I hate myself for saying this, but I freak out because abortions are expensive and I'm broke.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Don't hate yourself! Its a valid concern.

Sorry if this makes no sense, it's a darvocet night...

[ldy-shadow.livejournal.com]

On the broad-spectrum why it happens point, everything I had planned to say was covered above by queensugar in a far more eloquent and less verbose manner than I would have put it.

Personally? I freak out for a lot of reasons, but they're all very personal.

I'm a single mom, rasied catholic. There will forever in my head be my grandmother's voice telling me over and over what a horrible person I am and how horrible I'm being to my children for being a single mother, let alone one with potentially different fathers/per child. (I only have one right now, but that's what I hear when I have a pregnancy scare. "You tramp, you're a single mother to begin with, how horrible must your daughter look to everyone else, now you're having another baby with a man who doesn't want either of you? You're going to hell!")

Raising a child on my own has been filled with many concessions and blows to my pride. The thought of having to repeat that again... *shudders* I don't know if I (or anyone around me, I tend to get volatile when I have to ask for help,) would survive it.

Re: Sorry if this makes no sense, it's a darvocet night...

[svexsal.livejournal.com]

I can understand this. My sister in-law is of the same religious mindset and though I am not, we get into fights all the time when I mention that I have always envisioned myself pregnant before marriage.

I don't even know why I picture this happening to me but I don't see anything wrong with that future for myself. And I don't see anything wrong with you doing so. It takes a lot of strength to do so.

[hope-lecks.livejournal.com]

From my own experience sex ed was "don't get pregnant, it will ruin your life." I've since wondered why that was the worst thing and STIs were pretty much no big deal. I mean, if I get HIV, I'd say that'd be pretty darn bad. Worse than bringing a life into this world. Not to offend anyone with HIV, I'm just saying, that info would have been MUCH more helpful than having me worry about pregnancy.

[aggiebell.livejournal.com]

Well, if I get syphilis, I can take antibiotics without anyone telling me that the syphilis bacteria's right to life trumps my desire not to have syphilis. :)

[as-she-melts.livejournal.com]

For me, my current pregnancy scare (yes, posted about in vagpag twice) is about money. I don't have money for a kid OR an abortion. I just can't afford health care, and I'm saying that as someone with great insurance in the U.S. Despite having insurance, I can't afford to see a psychiatrist so I can get some antidepressants, let alone an *elective* procedure like an abortion. It's stupid as hell for me to do anything that could get me even close to pregnant, because I can't afford school, I can't afford rent, and I sure as shit can't afford to pay for an abortion. The idea that I might have to *stop buying groceries* in order to pay for an abortion is terrifying--not the notion of abortion itself.

I realize that the National Abortion Fund exists, as well as some state funds, but honestly I don't feel like I should get any of that money. I'm white, cis-gender, Ivy-educated, health insured, able-bodied, etc. etc. etc., and I feel that the NAF should be used by women who are less privileged than myself. I live in NYC where I am not limited by hard to get to providers. I can't put an abortion on my insurance, however, as I am still insured by my mother's employer. She's pro-choice and very supportive, but she dropped out of law school when she was only a few months older than I am right now in order to have me. I just feel like if she could do it (and she's an amazing woman, btw), I should be able to, too. But I'm not able to. I'm just not. It's the only thing I've never been able to tell her.

Maybe that's another reason right there. My partner is kinda "eh" about the whole thing, I can't tell my mom (who is my bff), and I'm new to the city and have no friends here. It fucking sucks. Of course I'm panicking. I don't mean to sound like I'm attacking you, OP, it's just that this is (obviously) something I've been thinking a lot about in recent days.

[as-she-melts.livejournal.com]

Re: the psychiatrist. I did give natural antidepressant recommendations to someone in an earlier post from "my psychiatrist." I went to one appointment and found out she didn't participate with my insurance. I had to put the $300 appointment on my credit card D:

[sparksdelcielo.livejournal.com]

For me, all of my freak-outs have largely been due to me being too young (16, 17, 18..), having no money, an irresponsible boyfriend with parents who hated me already, and generally not having the capacity to raise a baby.

I'm older now. With the man I will (hopefully, knock on wood) spend my life with. Although I'm still in college, he's financially able to provide for me and a baby if that were to happen. Sounds stable, right? I still panic because of the lack of control with my body even though I am a perfect HBC user. Getting pregnant would derail all of my previous plans and could potentially be very harmful to my health. And well, I'm not married and dread the "Well, dad, I'm pregnant..." talk even when I am.

I think some of it is cultural context (abortion is teh evil, etc), but largely, like other people have said, it's the lack of control. Very few people "plan" their pregnancies, so the unknown is terrifying.

[crucibelle.livejournal.com]

I don't know; I don't necessarily see the type of posts in question as "freak outs". I just think that when people are afraid or worried, it helps to talk/post about it and be able to get some support. This community and its members might possibly be the only support that some people have, even. I'm just really glad that this community exists. =)

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Plus, I think the sort of "anonymous" nature of VP (it's via the Internet instead of face-to-face; if things go terribly wrong, one can always just delete the post, etc.) makes it easier for some people to post "little voice nagging in the back of my mind" questions or concerns that might not be taking over the rest of their lives.

I've definitely sometimes asked folks questions I knew the answers to:

-- I just missed a BC pill because I was stranded out of town overnight, but I'm stacking packs, and this was from my second pack: I'm still good, right?

-- Hi, I just had impressive levels of diarrhea and think it might continue into the rest of my evening. If I spew poo right after I take my pill, can I take a spare from a different brand to make it up?

... but I just needed confirmation from an outside source I trusted. I picked people who I knew wouldn't laugh at me or judge me for asking, and the fact that they're also VP members is no coincidence.

I think it's a similar kind of thing when it's applied to the whole community. We may get more types of freakout/looking for support/whatever you want to call them posts because folks know they can get those kinds of answers and support here without being dismissed as silly or whatever.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I've got to say, after having a friend who tried to get an abortion and then found out she was too far along (and had no clue she'd been pregnant for months - she was on the shot and hadn't had periods in awhile) being pregnant suddenly sounds a little scary. Because that choice sometimes is taken away...even if abortion is available and affordable, if you're too far along it may just not be a possibility. :/

[marionravenwood.livejournal.com]

I think that, for whatever reason, North American female-bodied people are much more worried about gynecological health than other aspects of health. Like, statistically, more women die of heart issues, but women are much more afraid of dying of breast cancer (and many believe, incorrectly, that breast cancer is the leading cause of death for women).

I also think that many aspects of being normal and female have become overmedicalized. People have to jump through all kinds of medical hoops to get contraception, for example, and there is an attitude that menarche, pregnancy and menopause are, if not diseases, at least things that need to be monitored by doctors. (I would argue that all three are normal life stages.) I've read plenty of advice that young women should see a doctor *before* they have sex "just to make sure everything's ok down there." Huh? You never hear the same advice given to teenage boys. Of course, things can always go wrong, but we don't seem to have the same expectation of things going wrong with say, our digestive or cardiovascular systems, even though they do.

As a childfree person, it also drives me nuts to hear "infertility" thrown around as a horrible consequence: "If you don't get that checked out, you could end up with infertility!" Um, that's a plus, not a minus.

[archangelbeth]

an attitude that [...] pregnancy [...] are, if not diseases, at least things that need to be monitored by doctors

If I hadn't been having my pregnancy monitored on the regular schedule, I might well be dead, and my daughter too. Pre-eclampsia / toxemia / Pregnancy Induced Hypertension used to be the leading cause of death in pregnant women and their children. Now, with proper medical check-ups, it's something that can be dealt with -- I had a quasi-emergency c-section at 7 months gestation, the day that I went in for a routine check-up which spotted the protein in the urine and the blood pressure through the roof. I also have a healthy eight year old today, and my kidneys still work. Oh, yeah, and I'm alive. I consider these to be good things.

There are certainly bad ways to go about requiring check-ups, and issues where things are for a doctor's convenience, but a "normal life stage" can kill someone just as dead as an abnormal one, for want of modern med-tech.

(And un-chosen infertility is a lack of choice, much as forced fertility is. It's only a plus when it's something you'd choose anyway, y'know?)

[beloveddoll.livejournal.com]

Funny thing for me is that the more I became aware of my vagina and all the things that go on down there (which began when I first had sex), the more I began to read into the minor things like slight vaginal pH changes or a random zit and have my freak outs.

I guess that's the only thing I regret about the sex thing. I had one pregnancy scare when I was using zero contraception. I had one scare, was done with the stress of that shit, and got on HBC. Now, I am hyper aware of the goings on down in my vagina and prone to the freak out.

Knowledge is supposed to be power! Gah! Oh well. At least there's a place like VP to help calm my fears! I can't imagine what folks did before easy access to like minded and friendly internet folks!

[jmnstars.livejournal.com]

I just had this discussion with my boyfriend not too long ago. He asked my why I was worrying so much about a certain situation that may or may not happen sometime far into the future. I am able to look at my life and rationally see that whatever happens, happens and I really don't have to worry...but I still do. Sometimes when things happen the way they are not supposed to, it warrants a freak out moment. Or, sometimes when I am waiting for the results of a particular test (health related or even school related) the waiting is too much for me and I freak out. Albeit, I don't freak out like the normal person. I tend to get all quiet and reserved trying to hold it in and be "normal" (whatever that is...) but still talk about the issue to anybody who will listen. I find that it feels better to talk about what worries me so I can let it go and stop worrying. Sometimes I feel a little freaked out and so it sounds a little more freaked out. Kind of like when I signed the papers when I bought my first car. I researched it, planned it out and figured out the payments, but I was still like, "OMG! What did I just do?!" Anyway - that's just me...

[identityapex.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of it is just wanting to talk to someone else about your worries-- especially if your parents/friends aren't aware that you're sexually active. The loneliness increases anxiety ten-fold.

As for me... I'm surprisingly calm when it comes to certain things. I'm the one who comforts my boyfriend when he calls me in the middle of the night freaking out because he heard HBC wasn't as effective as condoms or didn't work while you were on your period, etc. I spent a lot of time reading this community and studying other resources before I chose to become sexually active, so I feel as confident and comfortable as I'm ever going to get.

[tearsofaclown.livejournal.com]

For myself, pregnancy would be a horrible occurrence. To me, freaking out at the thought of being pregnant doesn't seem irrational. I have thought about the possible outcomes of becoming pregnant, and none of them are good - there is no possible way I could keep the baby, because I know that neither I nor the baby would have a happy life if I did. I have no patience with children, and being responsible for other people gives me panic attacks, besides the fact that I couldn't financially support one.

Abortion, while it is something that I believe in for people who want or need them, is something that would be extremely difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. If I got one and my mother knew, there's a chance she would kick me out of my house, and never speak to me again. If I got one and kept it a secret from her, it would still probably destroy our relationship.

So the best option would be adoption, which I'm still wary of. Given the way my body is configured, pregnancy and childbirth would be hard on me physically - I would be lucky, I think, if he worst I had to deal with was a c-section. And I don't know if there would be anyone to adopt my baby, and I certainly don't want to add to the overpopulation problem in the world.

So in my opinion, my fears of pregnancy are well thought out and justified.

(frozen)

[xounlabeledxo.livejournal.com]

i feel that my "freaks" are fairly well founded.

i come from a very conservative family, and if they knew some of the things i did in the first place, things would be bad... let alone if i got preggo.

plus, my personal belief is that abortion=murder, and i would not be willing to get one... so if i get pregnant, that for sure changes/interrupts the flow of my life/plans, etc.

(frozen) Maintainer Note: Safe Space Warning

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Hi, xounlabeledxo. We're commenting because your attitude and wording do not foster what we consider safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F_What_does_.22empowerment.22_mean.3F) here in the community.

Specifically, when you say "abortion=murder," it violates VP's policy against abortion debate (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#How_does_this_apply_to_comments.3F).

We do want to make it clear that we're not trying to mandate your personal beliefs or choices for yourself. However, equating it with murder makes a blanket moral judgment on abortion that isn't appropriate phrasing for this community.

If you'd like more information on safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F_What_does_.22empowerment.22_mean.3F), please refer to these items in our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ):

--What are VP's rules? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_are_the_rules.3F)
--What is "safe space"? What does "empowerment" mean? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F_What_does_.22empowerment.22_mean.3F)

You are more than welcome to make a post over in contact_vp or to contact us via email (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php) If you'd like to talk more about this matter or clarify any points; we only ask that you refrain from commenting further here out of respect for the OP. For that reason, replies to this thread will be frozen.

Thanks,
Tori
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp