Friend with insecurities about low sex drive

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Hi wonderful vagpag members!

I'm writing on behalf of a good friend. We've recently started talking openly about our sexuality, and it's a bit odd because we're very different people. I love sex, marathon sex sessions, sexual experimentation, oral sex (I actually really enjoy giving blowjobs), dom/sub play including switching roles, the works. She doesn't really understand or feel comfortable yet with her sexuality, and while she's had sexual experiences, she considers herself relatively asexual and uninterested in sex. I feel like BOTH our situations are normal, healthy female understandings of sexuality, and that we can both be really happy in our own self-understanding. However, she feels differently: she views herself as "broken" and "bad at sex" because of her response to sexuality. This makes me really sad, because I don't see anything at all broken or bad about her.

One thing she views as a problem is her inability to masturbate, because she doesn't get turned on when her boyfriend is not around. As she sees it, she can't ever expect someone else to please her if she can't please herself. In my case, I did take the learn-to-give-myself-an-orgasm-first route, but I think it's perfectly fine if her sexual exploration is something she does with a partner rather than on her own.

Another problem she has is difficulty talking about sex with her boyfriend, mostly because she's uncomfortable with the whole idea and doesn't know what she wants. This means that her past sexual experiences felt a little coerced to her, or at least like she had very little control over what was going on, because she just let her partner take charge. Of course, this makes her less than eager to try again, at least not for a long time--which is also totally cool, and she should wait as long as she wants before she tries again.

The good news is that we both ended up with someone perfect for us--me with a lovely sex-crazed fiend, her with a physically passive and, well, not-sex-crazed partner who's happy to take things as absolutely slow as she wants. So there's no urgency to "fix" anything. I'm just afraid that with the attitude I hear her taking, she'll end up feeling like she doesn't "deserve" to have good physical experiences, because she's somehow "broken" and will never figure out what she wants anyway. How can I help boost her confidence about being who and how she is?

Comments

[rhetoricfem.livejournal.com]

It sounds like she's pretty fortunate to have a friend like you!

If she's willing to speak to you about her feelings on sex, then that may be a big step for her in itself. Just be there for her and expand the conversation from time to time.


I also recommend the movie Shortbus. It just makes me feel good to know there are so many different types of sex and relationships represented in that movie. :)

[loonylupinlover.livejournal.com]

If she's really uncomfortable talking with her boyfriend (or anyone) about sex in person, could she try over the phone or online? When first starting out with my boyfriend I found it really easy to talk about sex in instant messenger with him, but got all blushy, giggly and tongue-tied when trying to talk about it in person. That might help her feel a little safer talking about things, and give her a little distance from it and an easy way to stop the conversation if it makes her too uncomfortable.

[archangelbeth]

I agree with this. Talking face-to-face can make it a lot harder to say the simplest things, like, "Hey, would you be interested in using some of my favorite toys on me when you're too tired to get out the condoms?"

I mean, dude(ette), how hard can it be to say that?

At least five minutes of actually rehearsing and making myself say it, that's how hard. And I'm pretty darn comfortable with my spouse, y'know? Married how long? Yeah. And I just now get around to the notion that, hey, it might actually be kinda neat to let him get into my stash of adult toys.

*facepalm*

And I have written absolute pr0n, much smuttier than all that, without a blush.

*facepalms again*

Anyway. Email or IM or the phone may all be useful ways to talk about sex without all the words falling out of one's ear and tripping one up on the floor.

[heather-jade.livejournal.com]

I can relate to your friend. I'm happy with what I feel is pretty bland sex and enjoy that the most while my boyfriend enjoys doing more/different things that just kind of distract me or cause me discomfort. Neither of us are right or wrong, just different. I'm still working on getting to be comfortable with some of these things, for me it is much easier to feel mosr comfortable and confident with the lights off and familiar or non-lyrical music going so I am more focused on just the connection and sensations and less on a step by steo over conscious feeling.... so maybe suggest to her noisy darkness and suggestions from her partner? focus on the fact that it makes the person she's with happy... also I agree with the above comment that sometimes it's easier to talk about sex related things in an impersonal way such as the internet or in writing, face to face leave too much room for laughing and tickle attacking =)

[cheeseydreams.livejournal.com]

I can relate to both of you. I love sex, I love experimentation, I love oral, but I have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about it and I don't particularly find any enjoyment out of masturbation. I was actually thinking about that the other day and I realized part of the reason why that is. Sex for me isn't about getting off, I enjoy being with my partner so much that I find masturbation falls short of the satisfaction I feel after sex. Therefore I rarely masturbate.

I know it'll take some time for her to realize that she isn't broken or bad at sex, but she isn't abnormal. Everyone is different. I'm glad she is with someone who respects her feelings towards sex, that is the ultimate key to a healthy sex life.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

The funny thing is that neither my boyfriend nor I really masturbate anymore, really... because it does fall so short of the emotional and physical fulfillment of sex. But it's almost like masturbation was a phase we grew out of (before and independently of meeting each other), and it did serve a purpose of helping us understand what we liked on our own. Her fear is that never having experimented with masturbation at all, she can't expect someone else to one day give her an orgasm, never having given one to herself.

[cheeseydreams.livejournal.com]

Aaahhh. Well, I don't think she should berate herself, sometimes it takes longer for some people to develop sexually. It wasn't until recently that I could relax enough with my partner so that I could achieve an orgasm on a regular basis (I'll be 27 in a few months). Before that, even with knowing what I liked on my own, it was virtually impossible for any partner to come close because I was so fixated on it. edited to add that I've been sexually active for 13 years - so yeah, I guess some people are lucky enough to figure those things out at the get go or close to, while it takes a while for others.

[theburntcereal.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew how to help her, but I'm afraid I'm in the same ship. =/

[jenn-possible.livejournal.com]

I never masturbated until after I had sex. I didn't even start masturbating until that boyfriend and I broke up and I wasn't getting any. Masturbation just doesn't interest me, but I do have really good sex with my SO :)

[dayglow.livejournal.com]

I hate it when people have issues with their sexuality. I just want to give them lots of hugs. :(

Since I can't give any hugs except e-hugs, instead I would stress to her that sexuality is a very open-ended fluid thing that comes in all sorts of varieties for every different person. There's a reason if you ask 'what do guys like?' or 'what do girls like?' or similar questions in sextips the answer is invariably 'We could tell you but it doesn't help, ask your partner what he/she wants.' I, personally, have a ridiculous sex drive when I'm not stressed out and/or tired, but I very rarely masturbate. It feels great when I do it but I'd rather call up my boy and have some mutual fun. That's the way I operate, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with people who enjoy masturbating a lot, or don't really enjoy it at all!

So yeah. I would just do my best to make it clear that as far as sex is concerned, there is no 'normal', there is no 'what everybody else is doing', and there is no 'broken' because there is no wrong way to have sex as long as it follows the rules of safe, sane, and consentual.