Role reversal

[nifbit.livejournal.com]

I'm beginning to feel like a total guy. (Insert sarcasm here.)  Why, you ask? Because my boyfriend doesn't put out. We've been seeing each other since February. It took until April to get to the first kiss. Mind you, we're both 32, so this is pretty odd to me. When the first kiss came, it was because I couldn't take the anticipation anymore. It was another month before we actually went to bed together, and I'm always the one to do the initiating. I've made it clear to him, damn clear, that I don't always like to be the one making the first move. We've talked about it on a number of occasions, and nothing has changed.

We actually broke up for a month and have recently gotten back together. Right now, it has been 13 weeks since we've gone to bed together, and I'm crawling the walls. We both agreed to monogamy, but damn... This is getting out of control. Something always gets in the way of me getting what I want, and I'm starting to get frustrated. To make things worse, the week after thanksgiving he got slapped with a paternity suit out of the blue. Didn't even know the girl was pregnant, and the baby is now 4 months old. DNA test came back on Thursday, and it is indeed his. Just great. Another obstacle.

I've taken care of myself, so to speak, but that isn't doing the trick. This is finals week for school, and I can't even think straight my panties are in such a twist.

In my frustration, I sent him a text message: I think 3 months of celibacy is making me brain dead.
His reply: Sorry. You can have a gas filled Duncan (his dog) to motivate you.
My reply: Not quite what I had in mind.
His reply: I'm really in the mood for cheesecake factory.
My retort: You put out and you can have all the cheese cake you want.
His reply 5m later: I hate being sick because I am tired of being home, but don't feel like going anywhere.

Did he think I'd get distracted in 5m? Argh!

I don't want to go throwing around ultimatums because that never results in anything good, but my patience is spent. Does monogamy really count when a guy just never puts out?!

Rephrasing:  Just wanted to clarify a little...  Throughout the course of the time we've been seeing each other, I have really put myself out there for him.  When he's had a bad day at work, I listen to him vent.  When he's feeling down, I try to make things better.  Even when he told me about the paternity suit, I told him that I'd stand by him no matter the outcome.  I think it is pretty clear that I am in this for more than just the sex.  If that were the case, I'd have been outta there before we even got to the first kiss.

My issue is, really, that it isn't an equal give and take.  When we broke up, it is because he got stressed out and outright ignored me for 3 weeks.  I got fed up and told him that if I wasn't worth his effort, I couldn't stay in the relationship.  We had finally agreed to talk, and instead of discussing our relationship, he only wanted to talk about work.  I was... perplexed to say the least.  I finally asked him where we stood.  He said he didn't know.  I asked where he would like things to be, to which he indicated that he'd like them to be back where they were before things hit the fan.  I confessed that I had missed spending time with him...  His reply floored me.  He said he missed himself, too.  Guess that says a lot, doesn't it?  Yeah.  It does.

Maybe the real answer is that I can't make this work on my own.  I can honestly say that I've tried repeatedly to talk to him.  Things weren't a picnic even before this paternity suit.  But, now I've given my word to stand by him, and I won't go back on my word.

Comments

[briar-witch.livejournal.com]

I agree with the commenter who suggested he may be depressed, or have some other, perhaps similar, reason for not being interested in sex, as well as the fact that he may simply not be a very sexual person. Has he been to a doctor to rule out any physical factors? If that doesn't work, then perhaps couples counseling.

I'm sure you care about him, and wouldn't want to hurt him. The idea of an ultimatum makes me very uncomfortable, because forcing him to have sex with you won't necessarily fix whatever might be wrong. It reminds me too much of the first time I had sex, which was coerced, and which still haunts me today. I was forced into it by my boyfriend because I had been reluctant to have sex for several months and, like you, he was enormously frustrated with having waited for so long. This isn't a judgment on you, I'm just worried that if you do give him an ultimatum he may put out which, under such circumstances, would ultimately harm both the relationship and him.

Monogamy does count, even when he doesn't put out. For my spouse and I (different guy than the boyfriend I mentioned above) there are many facets to our relationship, with sex being only one facet. It depends on your priorities, which are different for everyone. The trick is finding someone whose priorities are similar to yours. Since sex is such a strong priority for you, you may need to consider ending the relationship and finding someone whose sex drive matches yours, if there truly is nothing physically wrong with him (including the possibility of depression) and counseling doesn't work. I think if you do decide upon couples counseling, the sole focus shouldn't be his lack of sex drive. Communication is key to any relationship, and there may be other factors involved with your relationship which is affecting his sex drive.

I hope this helps.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I totally second this comment. Wish I was wise enough to have written it myself!