Role reversal
Dec. 10th, 2006 08:54 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
nifbit.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
vaginapaginaI'm beginning to feel like a total guy. (Insert sarcasm here.) Why, you ask? Because my boyfriend doesn't put out. We've been seeing each other since February. It took until April to get to the first kiss. Mind you, we're both 32, so this is pretty odd to me. When the first kiss came, it was because I couldn't take the anticipation anymore. It was another month before we actually went to bed together, and I'm always the one to do the initiating. I've made it clear to him, damn clear, that I don't always like to be the one making the first move. We've talked about it on a number of occasions, and nothing has changed.
We actually broke up for a month and have recently gotten back together. Right now, it has been 13 weeks since we've gone to bed together, and I'm crawling the walls. We both agreed to monogamy, but damn... This is getting out of control. Something always gets in the way of me getting what I want, and I'm starting to get frustrated. To make things worse, the week after thanksgiving he got slapped with a paternity suit out of the blue. Didn't even know the girl was pregnant, and the baby is now 4 months old. DNA test came back on Thursday, and it is indeed his. Just great. Another obstacle.
I've taken care of myself, so to speak, but that isn't doing the trick. This is finals week for school, and I can't even think straight my panties are in such a twist.
In my frustration, I sent him a text message: I think 3 months of celibacy is making me brain dead.
His reply: Sorry. You can have a gas filled Duncan (his dog) to motivate you.
My reply: Not quite what I had in mind.
His reply: I'm really in the mood for cheesecake factory.
My retort: You put out and you can have all the cheese cake you want.
His reply 5m later: I hate being sick because I am tired of being home, but don't feel like going anywhere.
Did he think I'd get distracted in 5m? Argh!
I don't want to go throwing around ultimatums because that never results in anything good, but my patience is spent. Does monogamy really count when a guy just never puts out?!
Rephrasing: Just wanted to clarify a little... Throughout the course of the time we've been seeing each other, I have really put myself out there for him. When he's had a bad day at work, I listen to him vent. When he's feeling down, I try to make things better. Even when he told me about the paternity suit, I told him that I'd stand by him no matter the outcome. I think it is pretty clear that I am in this for more than just the sex. If that were the case, I'd have been outta there before we even got to the first kiss.
My issue is, really, that it isn't an equal give and take. When we broke up, it is because he got stressed out and outright ignored me for 3 weeks. I got fed up and told him that if I wasn't worth his effort, I couldn't stay in the relationship. We had finally agreed to talk, and instead of discussing our relationship, he only wanted to talk about work. I was... perplexed to say the least. I finally asked him where we stood. He said he didn't know. I asked where he would like things to be, to which he indicated that he'd like them to be back where they were before things hit the fan. I confessed that I had missed spending time with him... His reply floored me. He said he missed himself, too. Guess that says a lot, doesn't it? Yeah. It does.
Maybe the real answer is that I can't make this work on my own. I can honestly say that I've tried repeatedly to talk to him. Things weren't a picnic even before this paternity suit. But, now I've given my word to stand by him, and I won't go back on my word.
We actually broke up for a month and have recently gotten back together. Right now, it has been 13 weeks since we've gone to bed together, and I'm crawling the walls. We both agreed to monogamy, but damn... This is getting out of control. Something always gets in the way of me getting what I want, and I'm starting to get frustrated. To make things worse, the week after thanksgiving he got slapped with a paternity suit out of the blue. Didn't even know the girl was pregnant, and the baby is now 4 months old. DNA test came back on Thursday, and it is indeed his. Just great. Another obstacle.
I've taken care of myself, so to speak, but that isn't doing the trick. This is finals week for school, and I can't even think straight my panties are in such a twist.
In my frustration, I sent him a text message: I think 3 months of celibacy is making me brain dead.
His reply: Sorry. You can have a gas filled Duncan (his dog) to motivate you.
My reply: Not quite what I had in mind.
His reply: I'm really in the mood for cheesecake factory.
My retort: You put out and you can have all the cheese cake you want.
His reply 5m later: I hate being sick because I am tired of being home, but don't feel like going anywhere.
Did he think I'd get distracted in 5m? Argh!
I don't want to go throwing around ultimatums because that never results in anything good, but my patience is spent. Does monogamy really count when a guy just never puts out?!
Rephrasing: Just wanted to clarify a little... Throughout the course of the time we've been seeing each other, I have really put myself out there for him. When he's had a bad day at work, I listen to him vent. When he's feeling down, I try to make things better. Even when he told me about the paternity suit, I told him that I'd stand by him no matter the outcome. I think it is pretty clear that I am in this for more than just the sex. If that were the case, I'd have been outta there before we even got to the first kiss.
My issue is, really, that it isn't an equal give and take. When we broke up, it is because he got stressed out and outright ignored me for 3 weeks. I got fed up and told him that if I wasn't worth his effort, I couldn't stay in the relationship. We had finally agreed to talk, and instead of discussing our relationship, he only wanted to talk about work. I was... perplexed to say the least. I finally asked him where we stood. He said he didn't know. I asked where he would like things to be, to which he indicated that he'd like them to be back where they were before things hit the fan. I confessed that I had missed spending time with him... His reply floored me. He said he missed himself, too. Guess that says a lot, doesn't it? Yeah. It does.
Maybe the real answer is that I can't make this work on my own. I can honestly say that I've tried repeatedly to talk to him. Things weren't a picnic even before this paternity suit. But, now I've given my word to stand by him, and I won't go back on my word.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 03:28 am (UTC)Also, I think it might help to think of it this way: if the roles were reversed and it was the OP complaining of a low sex drive impacting her relationship, we wouldn't suggest her partner should "dump her sorry ass". We'd express sympathy and support, and give her constructive suggestions. I think that perspective needs to be kept here, as well.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 03:51 am (UTC)oh, no, i certainly would suggest that, were her partner to post here. i've been in relationships where my partner hasn't been interested in sex with me for whatever reason, and put years. of. effort. into fixing whatever problem my partner complained of.
dtmfa. quicker, cleaner, and then you can go find someone who's into you.
you can still "stand by him", you can still be his friend. but go date someone else.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 03:57 am (UTC)I think it's potentially misreading a situation to assume that if someone has a low sex drive, it means that person is not "into" his or her sex partner, regardless of the genders in question. There are any number of reasons a person can be experiencing low sex drive -- hormonal imbalances, illness, stress, strains in other areas of the relationship, etc. -- and not lack of sexual interest in a partner is only one of them.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 08:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 08:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 12:46 pm (UTC)I actually weaned myself off Paxil, in part because of him. I'd been taking it for more than 5 years, and I didn't want it to influence our relationship.
I say only in part because I did it for me, too. It was making me sleepy all the time, and I was tired of it, so it was a good move all the way around.