Slippery consent issues with boyfriend.
Apr. 30th, 2012 09:50 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vaginapaginaI have been turning the contents of this post over and over in my mind for a couple of months, and finally decided to just post it.
Outside of the bedroom, my partner is a perfect gentleman: charming, brilliant, funny, thoughtful, affectionate. We share great chemistry and the same sense of humor, and love each other's company. I am very happy to be with him.
But I do have a concern or else I wouldn't be here. It has to do with consent.
There are always a few days each month on either side of my fertile window where it's probably safe to have unprotected sex but I have a lot of anxiety about pregnancy (and he's fully aware of this) where I insist we use condoms for my peace of mind. On some of these days, when I feel we should use a condom and say so, clearly and firmly if sympathetically, he has laid on top of me and pushed and pushed the head of his penis against my vagina (I'm not wet to receive him, obviously, since I am uncomfortable and don't want to have sex without a condom) and eventually pushed inside, despite my insisting on using a condom, and then he will thrust a few times, up to a minute or two, clearly relishing it, before he relents and puts on a condom. He's much bigger than I am, but I could push him off if I used all of my strength and wasn't worried about hurting him, but I shouldn't have to when I've been clear... additionally, after the fact, I've told him clearly that he put his pleasure over my peace of mind. I don't really remember his responses to these comments, but it was something along the lines of "I care about you and I don't want you to be upset, so talk to me..." Well, I was talking to you, clearly, when these things were unfolding...
So, I am posting because I don't know how to think about these things and the discomfort they make me feel and how to square these things with how genuinely amazing he is the rest of the time: in every other setting and situation, and almost every sex situation. These incidents comprise a tiny tiny fraction of a percentage of our sexual experiences together, but they needle me.
Edited to add: In at least a few past relationships, he's definitely been into Dom/Sub stuff (him being, he's said, very dominant), but we haven't dabbled much in that since it's not a turn-on for me, and it's kind of beside the point. What was OK and maybe very mutually agreeable in those relationships doesn't say anything about what flies and doesn't in other sexual relationships.
Outside of the bedroom, my partner is a perfect gentleman: charming, brilliant, funny, thoughtful, affectionate. We share great chemistry and the same sense of humor, and love each other's company. I am very happy to be with him.
But I do have a concern or else I wouldn't be here. It has to do with consent.
We've been involved for just over a year. He's older than me (27 to my 23; we're both grad students) and much more sexually experienced than I am (I would estimated 20 partners for him over 10 years of being sexually active, and I've had four partners over four years), and for the most part, our sex life has been really great and fun. That's important to point out: honestly almost always great and great fun for both of us. But there have been 7-8 incidents over the past few months where he won't take "no" for an answer. We rely on condoms and the fertility awareness method to avoid pregnancy; when I'm outside my fertile window, we skip the condoms since we've both tested STD-free.
There are always a few days each month on either side of my fertile window where it's probably safe to have unprotected sex but I have a lot of anxiety about pregnancy (and he's fully aware of this) where I insist we use condoms for my peace of mind. On some of these days, when I feel we should use a condom and say so, clearly and firmly if sympathetically, he has laid on top of me and pushed and pushed the head of his penis against my vagina (I'm not wet to receive him, obviously, since I am uncomfortable and don't want to have sex without a condom) and eventually pushed inside, despite my insisting on using a condom, and then he will thrust a few times, up to a minute or two, clearly relishing it, before he relents and puts on a condom. He's much bigger than I am, but I could push him off if I used all of my strength and wasn't worried about hurting him, but I shouldn't have to when I've been clear... additionally, after the fact, I've told him clearly that he put his pleasure over my peace of mind. I don't really remember his responses to these comments, but it was something along the lines of "I care about you and I don't want you to be upset, so talk to me..." Well, I was talking to you, clearly, when these things were unfolding...
There have been two other kinds of incidents. One is joking about consent during sex, which only happened once but made me uncomfortable at the time (expressed my discomfort) and much more uncomfortable after the fact when I had time to think it over alone and examine it alongside the few murky-consent incidents we'd had.
And the other has been a few times that I've been sick or under the weather and said that I am not feeling up to sex, and he's pressured me into it, basically not taking "No, I don't feel well and I'm not in the mood" for an answer (continuing to undress me, undressing himself, lying on top of me, and so on from there) so that I would either have to give in or I'd have to make a big scene to fully communicate the seriousness of the situation, and I've given in. He's also kept going (for - edited: what feels like several minutes until orgasming, definitely several deep thrusts and not a hasty wrap-up and pull out, but maybe only a minute or two now that I realize I don't know what several minutes during sex feels like?) the time or two I've gotten injured during sex (vaginal tears or major cervix bumps, both of which REALLY hurt... so in those instances, though he knew I was hurt and wanted to stop as soon as possible, he decided to keep on going and then congratulated me for being a "good sport." Yeah, definitely wanted to kick him out of bed.
So, I am posting because I don't know how to think about these things and the discomfort they make me feel and how to square these things with how genuinely amazing he is the rest of the time: in every other setting and situation, and almost every sex situation. These incidents comprise a tiny tiny fraction of a percentage of our sexual experiences together, but they needle me.
Edited to add: In at least a few past relationships, he's definitely been into Dom/Sub stuff (him being, he's said, very dominant), but we haven't dabbled much in that since it's not a turn-on for me, and it's kind of beside the point. What was OK and maybe very mutually agreeable in those relationships doesn't say anything about what flies and doesn't in other sexual relationships.
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trigger warning for the r-word...
Date: 2012-05-01 02:56 pm (UTC)Typically, when relationship-related posts/questions on the Internet start with "[they're] so great 99% of the time," you know that the 1% problem is likely to be HUGE. This seems like no exception.
"He's much bigger than I am, but I could push him off if I used all of my strength and wasn't worried about hurting him, but I shouldn't have to when I've been clear..."
No, you really shouldn't have to. Ever ever ever again.
I have to respectfully disagree with the other posters who suggest that a discussion is needed, or that you ought to make a scene. You shouldn't have to make a scene, and honestly? It seems like if he hasn't responded to your reasoned approach so far, he is unreasonable.
Full disclosure: My first sexual experience was something similar to what you've described here, me having laid down boundaries and my boyfriend ignoring them. I too felt like I wasn't entitled to just shove him off of me, and so I didn't. And you know what? 10 years later, I found myself in counseling... rape counseling... because of this violation.
This same boy went on to date a friend of mine (this was in high school), and she wasn't on BC. He surreptitiously removed/sabotaged the condom right before ejaculation, saying he wanted her to have his babies. Seriously. Fucked. Up. And he doesn't sound that different than your guy when it comes to this... (For the record, this high school guy was super-charming, sweet, attractive, charismatic. In retrospect, I think that's how he got away with this stuff, it was a serious part of the pattern.)
I'm not going to make you use the r-word if it doesn't suit you, but think about it. Sex - consent = rape, by most standards I know. And it's not the word that's important, I just want you to consider this: it doesn't matter if he's your boyfriend, he violated you.
You should make your own decision about this, but in my book it in unforgivable. I learned from that first experience that this is now how love works, this is not even how friendship or friendly acquaintanceship works. This is just not how things ought to be. Ever.
You can have another serious discussion with him if you like, but my personal stance is that it's way past that. Way, way past that. Let's say he did change, somehow... Would you want to be with someone that you can honestly say violated you in this first part of the relationship? Even if it was rare?
I'm almost sorry if I come off too strong, because obviously this has connections to something difficult and traumatic in my own life. But I'm not quite sorry, because I sincerely feel this person is abusing you and I hope that you consider that.
Please take care, no matter what you decide to do.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-01 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-01 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-01 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-01 09:54 pm (UTC)He is old enough to understand the word NO.
He is smart enough to understand that forcing sex is rape.
just like my ex was at the same age.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-01 10:36 pm (UTC)Re: trigger warning for the r-word...
Date: 2012-05-01 06:56 pm (UTC)