Sex & Such

[stonemesilly.livejournal.com]

Back story: Went to detox for alcohol issues and then to a halfway house because I had burned all my bridges and didn't have anywhere else to go in 04/2010. I met a guy in AA and decided to move in with him after I "graduated" the house in 10/2010. We had only been together a few weeks but it was clear it was a serious long-term thing for the both of us.

Issue: He feels that I'm very needy, he never gets any time to himself, and that I'm always hanging all over him. I feel so lonely. We might spend time together as in we're both in the same room at the same time but it just doesn't feel like "time" to me if that makes any sense. I tried to tell him this and tells me I'm being dramatic but how can you be dramatic if you're just saying how you feel? I'd love to just lay in bed in each others arms and watch a movie or something. That would just make me feel so good and connected. I know it's not his him thing but it makes me feel rejected that he can't do that for me. I sometimes to freak out when we aren't having as much sex as we use to because I feel like when he wants to have sex with him that that means that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me. I don't know what to do? I want to get my point across without sounding batshit insane because there is something missing. I almost feel starving for attention that I seek it out in inappropriate ways for being in a monogamous relationship and I wouldn't want him to do that to me so I don't want to do that to him. I also want to try to cool down my stange-5 clinger-ness but I don't know how. 

Comments

[skankkbby.livejournal.com]

..There's a reason AA meetings warn us that addicts should not get together with addicts, especially those going through the program..

I really don't know how to explain my thoughts on the matter without sounding very rude, and I hope you realize that this is not my intent...

It sounds to me like you are both still dealing with the effects of your addictions..

It may not be obvious to you in person, but from what I can understand from your post (which is not a lot, so my opinion is 100% valid) it's not difficult to tell that both of your behaviors indicate that neither of you are at the state you need to be to hold a serious, healthy relationship whilst living together.

When I say "behaviors," I mean that yours seem to be co-dependency and constant need for reassurance that you are still loved, and that your partner is still attracted to you.
His would be the distance thing; suggesting you are overreacting, or being dramatic in expressing your feelings makes me feel like maybe he is not used to that healthy type of communication.
Also, spontaneous decisions like moving in together after only a few weeks is a common aspect of the recovering addict..

[eta-carinae-311.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of that line in the movie 28 Days... “Get yourself a plant. If you can keep it alive for a year, then get yourself a pet. If after two years the pet and the plant are both still alive, you can start thinking about a relationship again.”

Not saying everyone needs to wait 2 years to start seeing someone, but I think it has a good point about building up to it slowly... you need to be able to take care of yourself first, and if you can take care of something simple like a pet or a plant, you might just be ready to take care of another person...

[archangelbeth]

The best way to not be clingy is... well, it's a catch-22 in some ways. If you feel secure in your relationship, then you won't be as clingy. But if you're not feeling secure, deciding, "Oh, I'm fine" isn't likely to work. Also, it may be that you need different things than your partner, affection-display-wise. Some people need their space. Some people need touching. You may be two perfectly good people who are just not actually suited to have a relationship with each other!

(For an example: introverts tend to "Recharge" by being alone. Extroverts "recharge" by being with other people. Extroverts are very draining to introverts! I should know -- I'm more introverted than not, and I have an extrovert kid! Waugh!)

Another issue is y'all's support structures. It sounds like you only have HIM. No other friends, no family? That's a lot of pressure on him, especially if he is dealing with his own issues at the same time. Basically, he can't be expected to have the "spoons" to cope with giving you everything you NEED, because... it's almost impossible for any one person to do that, even if two people don't have other issues to deal with.

Can you access some form of counseling that will help you sort out what you Need from your partner, versus what needs you can get filled in other ways, by other people?

(And, finally, please go read youarenotcrazy.com -- because there is the possibility that you are with someone who is only able to feel secure when he's standing on the emotions of others. "Don't be dramatic" is not a helpful response. It may simply be someone dealing with his own issues, who is unable to be helpful, but it's basically dismissing your emotions in a way that makes you more upset and insecure, and you don't have anyone else except him. Emotional abusers thrive on having a victim who can't go anywhere else. ...your relationship may not be toxic in that fashion, but I really think it's important that you take a good, hard look, just in case it's sliding in that direction.)

Good luck!

[alldayprayer.livejournal.com]

Your comments are always really helpful :)

I have to agree with the part about introverts and extroverts. My husband is SO great around people. He LOVES talking to everyone who will listen to him for hours on end. I can do this too, but sometimes I just need some ME time to calm down and stay centered in myself.

OP - I really like physical contact, I always touch, hug, kiss, pet, and cuddle at my husband ALL the time. If it were up to me, I'd be physically attached to him all day. In the beginning I guess I felt like if he didn't want me to hang on him often (okay it really wasn't 24/7 but it was pretty often) I felt like he didn't like me, or want me near him. I felt a bit rejected and it made me sad and crabby. But honestly, after talking to him and learning more about him, his past, and his views, I realized that it wasn't about *me*. It was about issues that he had with himself and his experiences. I tried my best to be understanding and started trying to see the ways HE shows affection to me. It helped me feel a lot more secure in my relationship, knowing that he wanted me around, but that he had different ways of showing it.

I don't know how things will work out between you and your SO, but I congratulate you on your recovery and hope things start picking up for you and your SO. My only advice would be to sit down and try to discuss things in a calm manner, letting him know what you feel you need, and what he feels he needs. Therapy is also an amazing option :) My husband and I are going ourselves.

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

"I tried my best to be understanding and started trying to see the ways HE shows affection to me. It helped me feel a lot more secure in my relationship, knowing that he wanted me around, but that he had different ways of showing it."

I second this. I have clingy issues too, but it took me some time to realize taht this is because I keep looking at what he's NOT giving me, instead of what he has and is and will. and then it made me think that just because someone doesn't love you exactly the way you want them too, doesn't mean they're not loving you with everything they have. of course this isn't to dismiss your needs or your feelings. just to help you gain some perspective, cuz I know it's really hard to see straight when you're feeling needy.

and I also agree with other posters. don't let him dismiss your needs or feelings either.

[jhotas.livejournal.com]

what skankkbby said.

and, are you in individual therapy? i'm glad you've come so far in your recovery, but it seems like there are some interpersonal concerns that you may benefit from seeking additional counseling for. perhaps couples counseling as well, but you may want to investigate some of your needs individually first.

it sounds like you've become addicted to his attention, and you crave it when you aren't getting it and you're doing everything you can to get it. it sounds like you're putting your self worth completely dependent on him (and things like how often you're having sex). i would really encourage you to seek therapy.

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Congrats on your continuing recovery!

Amount of sex can change throughout time in a relationship. So amount of sex is not always going to correlate with amount of attraction.

[rojarabbits.livejournal.com]

I agree with the sex =/= amount of attraction. My boyfriend and I don't have sex often and it isn't due to a lack of attraction. I find that it just happens when the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over.

[rivulet027.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

[treiale.livejournal.com]

I was just about to mention this.
While the points that over superstars have made are absolutely valid, it could be that you both have different needs in the way of love.
There are five love languages - Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.
I'd suspect that, like me, your primary language is Quality Time - you need to spend time with your partner to really feel loved. But someone whose primary language is something like Acts of Service isn't going to understand that need, and will confuse 'time in a room together' with 'quality time together'.
If your partner isn't abusive and both your addictions are under control as far as things go, it might be that you both need to work a bit harder to learn one another's love language. (If you don't know what his is, chances are he's feeling unloved too - but he feels love in a different way, so finding out what he is and trying to show you love him THAT way might make him more receptive to showing you love the way you like best.)

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I think that it is so so important to learn self-soothing strategies to help us in relationships. Just like how they talk about "HALT" in alcohol treatment, times when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired are dangerous for your relationship in the sense that those are the times you are most likely to be needy and act unproductively out of that need.

It sounds like you are working your needs, which is a positive thing. Something inside of you is saying "I need more!" But the problem is that you are trying to meet those needs in ways that aren't helpful - either by needing more from him than he is able to give (and in general, it's good to have multiple ways of meeting our needs, cause partners can't be there 100%), or by looking outside the relationship. Your challenge is to find more positive ways to meet those needs. It sounds like you need to feel grounded and connected. So, find other ways of feeling connected. Make some friends, write a letter to a loved one, do some volunteer work, hang out with an animal, wrap yourself tightly in a blanket and stroke your own hair, get some exercise, etc. Reassure yourself by saying over and over "it is normal for the amount of sex to vary," or even better, something that reminds you that even if he is not attracted to you, you are OK.

You are ok. You are ok without his attraction, without his love. Building your sense of ok-ness will allow you to be in relationship in a healthier way.