Infertility and depression

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Hello VPers,

I am feeling awful today, and I need to get some support, please?

A little backstory: My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for seven years now, with no results. I've tried IUI, many, MANY painful procedures and tests, a surgery, and lots of fertility meds, including giving myself shots in the stomach. Problem is, nothing's worked. I really want to try IVF, but with the costs so high and my husband in school and unemployed at the moment this is just impossible. Lately I've had two close friends give birth, and one friend who is 46 has just found out that she is pregnant after many years of trying as well. She has PCOS, which I have as well. For personal reasons we aren't ready or able to pursue adoption yet, although that is a possibility for the future. Some days I have a really, really hard time with dealing with this, so if you don't mind I will c&p a journal entry that I made today in my personal journal. Just so you know, Trevor is my hubby, and we had recently picked out a surrogate who backed out at the last minute, adding to my depression. So here is the entry:

I'm having a really tough time of it lately...and I feel as if I want to give up. Just give up and never have to deal with this pain again. I know...it sounds so emo, and I'm usually not the type. But I think my depression is eating away at me...at my life. Infertility is a huge bitch that is mean to me, and I just want to cry and cry and never stop. I've called some therapists and am waiting for some calls back. I hope they call today because I feel something very bad will happen if I don't get help soon. It's been, so so bad lately, with all my friends getting pregnant, and our surrogate backing out at the last minute, and Trevor is just NOT understanding. He says things like, "Just stop thinking about it!" and "Your stress is what's keeping us from conceiving!" and "Can you just stop worrying about it?" I know he tries to help and he's frustrated that he can't, but it's NOT helping. Especially since he says "Well maybe we just aren't meant to have kids!" Oh God...I don't even know what to do anymore, but my meds are not working and I'm quickly spiraling downhill. I need help! I want someone to explain to Trevor why what he says doesn't help me, and why what I say doesn't make sense to him. I need to not look at my pill bottle on the worst days and wonder, "What if?" Would it take away all the pain and grief? I don't know...I don't want to, of course, but some days I feel so helpless and sad that it scares me that I might do something stupid. I need help and I want to feel good again. I'm not like this everyday, but the days that I am are getting more and more frequent, and that concerns me. If you read this, please, please send good thoughts and prayers my way. Ok? Cause I really, really need them and I do feel so alone. 

Anyway, I'm feeling quite badly and I need help...support, encouragement...something. Please?

Thank you all.

Comments

[e-n-t-i-t-y.livejournal.com]

Have you looked into homeopathic remedies? I am a doula and there are many homeopathic remedies that help with fertility and different issues that might keep you from being able to conceive. Are you tracking your fertility? Homeopathy for Pregnancy, Birth, & Baby's First Year by Miranda Castro is a book you could look into, or talk to someone who is familiar with homeopathic remedies. Have you tried acupuncture? That can also be very helpful for fertility and conception, as well as stress relief. There is really a small window every month of when you can get pregnant and becoming familiar with your fertility cycle can be helpful. I would recommend getting an ovulens (http://www.ovulens.com/default.aspx) to help get to know your fertility changes. I know your husband's words don't seem consoling to you, but I think that may be his way of trying to stay optimistic. It's true that stress can play a big role in not being able to conceive. And it's true that maybe it's not your time... I would recommend taking some time to help yourself find balance and stability. Stop thinking about trying to get pregnant for a little while as you take some time to care for yourself. Take some nice long baths with candles lit, go on some walks and think of everything you are grateful for, breathe deeply, do some art... whatever you can do to relax and help yourself feel good will bring your body and mind peace. Relax, breathe, explore new options... everything will be okay.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your reply. I do chart my temperatures and track my ovulation signs, and I am currently taking some supplements and using essential oils in an effort to conceive. Hey, anything that might help is great! Recently I've also started exercising three times a week, so I hope that will help with some of my weight issues as well. I will try hard to carve out some relaxing "me" time too.

[nickelshoe.livejournal.com]

It's totally okay for you to feel this way. Even if (say) you weren't "meant" to have kids (whatever that means), that doesn't mean you don't have every right to be sad about it! It sounds like your husband deals with stress differently than you do, so he doesn't want to talk about it, possibly because talking makes him feel worse. Maybe you could talk to a friend or family member instead of laying it all on him (if that's what you're currently doing).

Maybe you could give him examples of how you'd like him to respond. Tell him you just want him to listen and not try to "fix" the situation. You might even have luck asking him to paraphrase what you've said before he says anything else. That's a technique I learned in marriage counseling that helped me listen to my husband instead of trying to make him feel better (or defend myself). It really helped us communicate better.

I still wish you luck in having a biological kid or adopting one if that becomes an option. But make sure you take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband too.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. When I was crying and hysterical today he got upset because the things he was trying to tell me weren't helping me at all, and I did gently tell him that sometimes I just need him to hold me and let me cry, and not try to analyze or fix it. I know it hurts him to see me in pain, so I do need to work on communicating better about what I want from him when I get sad like this.

[thusbands.livejournal.com]

I've never been through this but I know a few people that have. My sister tried to get pregnant for almost a year before it happened. I know that's not very long but she was really stressed and went through different procedures to make sure nothing was wrong. Another lady I know had been trying for about 10 years. She had done a bunch of testing and I think possibly did IUI or IVF. She tried everything she could to get pregnant. After the almost 10 years she decided that she was going to just stop trying. She got pregnant without any help. She's now due in a month. I would suggest just trying not to stress out about it. Try to stay relaxed. I know it's easier said than done but there are a couple stories of good endings for you.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you...Like you said, not stressing is way easier said than done, but I will try to take a more relaxed attitude towards it. I think what is making it worse lately is that I am already 31 and it seems as if it may never happen!

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

i know everyone's bodies are different, but my sister was born to my mom in her late thirties (healthy baby) and me in her mid forties (also healthy). I did hear a convo once about...doing PIV in the morning of the after ovulation or something...and then she (whether it worked or was a coincidence, she had been having a little trouble prior, but not to the extent you have had to deal with this) conceived first try. So hold on to your hope!

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[velkoria.livejournal.com]

=( I am not sure what I could say to make you feel better except that I understand frustration very well and you have reasons to be. Don't give up though!! I know this might not be any consolation but my mother tried EVERYTHING to have kids for over 3 years and then suddenly... she became pregnant. There IS hope and you WILL get to a better place. I cannot even begin to understand infertility but I hope my many internet hugs and prayers help!

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[naked-beauty-21.livejournal.com]

You sound terribly depressed, and sounds like you haven't spoken to a therapist yet, so here are some links and phone numbers in the meantime:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (in the US, I'm not sure where you're from)

https://www.imalive.org/ -This is a lot like the suicide hotline, except you can instant message volunteers instead of calling and talking to a live person. You will always talk to a live person through this site.

http://www.hopeline.com/gethelpnow.html This page has a bunch of numbers, and a link to follow for if you're from out of the United States.

I really hope you start feeling better, I'll pray for you!

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Ty for pointing out the instant messaging resource! (from someone who can take 3 hours to make a phone call because of anxiety).

[laja-89.livejournal.com]

Agreed, very helpful!

[naked-beauty-21.livejournal.com]

No prob, it can take me a LONG time to call people too. Not necessarily family or friends, but anything *important* takes me forever to build up the courage!

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Yea my immediate family I can, but anyone else...yay for text messaging!

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you! The instant messaging idea is fabulous. Thank you also for your prayers!

[naked-beauty-21.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :)

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Try and remember how strong you are. You're dealing with all of this (infertility, treatments, surrogate), and from what it sounds like, you've reached out for help from a therapist. That's a huge step, and deal, imo. I hope they get back to you ASAP-and I hope you find a therapist you like, because having someone there to hear you out, no matter what you say can be a great help. Hopefully they can also provide some ways to think about and handle this stress and situation.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I did get a call back from one therapist who regretfully said that her waiting list is six months long, so I've called another one she recommended and hopefully will be hearing back from her soon.

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Well if you need any more help with that, just let me know (if you want!).

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to encourage you to keep on calling people. I know it can be really difficult (I am a therapist, and it breaks my heart when we have a waiting list, because it can be so so discouraging to be calling and calling and having trouble finding someone.) It sometimes takes a lot of effort to follow that rabbit trail of recommendations and wait lists to the end, which will hopefully be a therapist who can help you. It sucks, especially cause the time you call is usually the time when you least have energy to make that effort!

Is there anyone you can talk to other than your husband? Sometimes it can be awfully hard when two people have opposite coping skills. It sounds like his way of dealing with the troubles you have been having is really unhelpful to you. (It might be helpful to him...I'm guessing you're mismatched in that way, as many/most couples are.) I wonder if someone outside the situation would be able to set aside their own issues to support you more easily than he can. (I'm also aware that it sounds like you are working on finding people like that, such as a therapist...so maybe I'm suggesting things you already know).

I'm glad someone linked the suicide hotlines. Remember that you don't even have to be feeling super suicidal to call - it's ok to call if you just need someone to talk to. And if you don't find one of them helpful, call another. They are all somewhat different, and the individual you get does make a difference.

It might be helpful if you could give your husband a really explicit list of things that are not helpful. Like, "I need you to not ever say that my stress is causing our infertility?" Sometimes people mean well but are really just clueless enough that they think things like that are helpful...saying explicitly and clearly (without blaming) that they are not helpful might help him get a clue.

Good luck finding the help you are reaching out for. It sounds like you are really strong, especially in the area of reaching out when you need to. That's a tremendous thing to do.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

OMG, could I say the word helpful more often? :p

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you...I will continue to call until I can see someone who can help. I did try gently telling my husband that some things he was saying were unhelpful but it just ended up making him defensive and more frustrated because he thinks he's not "good enough" to help me. I told him it wasn't that, but our coping strategies are just SO different. I hope we can get someone to help us understand the way the other person feels more effectively. Our marriage is good, but sometimes we are just so different in the way we see things!

[nil-chi-tsosie.livejournal.com]

since you've tried everything, just try one more thing?
http://theprimalparent.com/2011/07/07/an-unconventional-approach-to-pcos-polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/

I also want to send you some support. *hugs*

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you...I will check this out!

[misspaigeb.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom experienced secondhand infertility after I was born, which is why I'm an only child. It was extremely hard for her and still is. I just wanted to empathize and let you know that my ex boyfriend often responded to many of my worries/concerns the same way your husband responds to your concerns about this, and it can be frustrating. We recently broke up and when I told him it was hard for me to cope he told me to just "not think about it." For some reason, that's easy for him, but it's not easy for me. Have you told your husband those comments bother you?

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Yes I did tell my hubby that those words hurt me, and he just seemed frustrated because I'm so unhappy and he can't fix it, you know? I told him that sometimes I just want to be held while I cry, and he said he would try to do that and listen more, so we'll see. I'm also hoping that he can get into a few counseling sessions with me so we can understand that we have different ways of coping, but that they are both valid. I want us to understand one another better, so that this crisis doesn't drive us apart!

[kayeyem.livejournal.com]

I wish I could make it happen for you. I wish that sharing my story would be helpful...but I don't know that it would be. When I was where you are now (or in a very similar place) I would hear stories of how someone finally got pregnant, finally got their take-home baby, etc...and while I was happy for them, it didn't lessen my "sad for us".

You aren't alone. Infertility sucks. Depression hurts. You know all this.

You are strong. You know that while the temptation is there, that suicide isn't the best option...but getting help is a good idea. It's hard to talk your self out of those thoughts on your own, if that makes sense...


I feel like I'm rambling and not really helping, so I'll stop.

The point? You aren't alone. Have faith. In whatever you believe in, and in yourself. Trust yourself, get the help you need.

And email me if you like.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[mennamachine.livejournal.com]

My mom struggled with infertility," ( I'm adopted) and so did a friend of mine. You are definitely not alone! Your husband has a good idea to not stress about it, but these things are easier said than done. My mom went through a lot of invasive procedures and spent 10 years not getting pregnant before they adopted me, and got pregnant 3 months later.

One thing she and my friend said was that they got to a point that they couldn't handle another baby shower or kids party, and stopped going. Their friends understood.

You definitely need someone to talk to, especially someone who isn't involved with all this. Maybe you and your husband could try taking a vacation (or staycation if money is tight) and relax and forget about babies.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you...I think trying to relax more is something I need to try. Like I told my husband earlier, I think the counseling will help me to be able to cope with this better.

[mennamachine.livejournal.com]

Really, in any super-emotional situation, infertility, bad breakup, loss of a loved one, talking to someone completely disconnected from the situation is really useful. They have no emotional involvement and their reactions won't be colored by their OWN emotions. I talked to a counselor to help me get over a really bad breakup because my friends all had their own opinions of my ex which got in the way. He was really helpful. Also, because I hate crying in front of people, it was easier for me to unleash in front of him because he wasn't someone who I was embarrased to cry in front of. I really wish I could have seen him longer, because he was useful, but I was too poor.

Good luck! I know it'll all work out. And adopted kids are really awesome (not that I am biased or anything...)!

[eta-carinae-311.livejournal.com]

I was a surprise baby! My mom though she couldn't have kids, and then somehow at 38 managed to get pregnant with me :)

It can happen! Don't lose hope! And there are so many other options as well... I know it seems bleak now but... you never know what's going to happen in the future. If you want to be a mama, I know you will find a way to make it happen :)

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

"If you want to be a mama, I know you will find a way to make it happen" :)

Thank you...such a simple message, but one that I needed to hear. There is such hope in your words.

[carnivalous.livejournal.com]

Stress is a huge factor. I'm sorry to hear about the pains you went through, but don't lose hope. Focus more on yourself and your well-being and you'll get something in return. I know this sounds very zen-ish and all, but a happy mind encourages a happy body.

A lot of people attest to the powers of the state of being maternal. It has happened in my own family, many times. One was with my step-grandma was able to conceive when she started to take care of me, and she's been trying for a while!

I know asking you to relax can be too much, especially when the issue has already triggered depression. I've been there. But really, there's no way but up. Have you tried doing yoga? It's something that has greatly helped me overcome some huge emotional and mental obstacles, which I also learned can be a great influence to our physical well-being. :) Good luck and be positive!

Descriptive Subject Line Request

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Hi there. Could you please edit your post to include a descriptive subject line? This will help other members use your post as a resource in the future. For more information on what we mean, take a look at this part (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#VP.27s_Courtesy_Checklist_for_Posting) of our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ).

Thanks for understanding. :)

--Bob
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp

Re: Descriptive Subject Line Request

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Certainly. I'm sorry I forgot to do that. :)

Re: Descriptive Subject Line Request

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

No worries! :)

Don't give up

[jix.livejournal.com]

My mom struggled with Endometriosis (sp?) for 9 years before she was surprised with me. I am a miracle baby. I know it's hard, but just keep trying. And try to think on the bright side of life, infertility isn't the worst thing in the world. If you can't have kids of your own, I know there are tons of children out there in need of a home. Just don't get yourself down.

Re: Don't give up

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[soulsearch2010.livejournal.com]

Hi,

First of all *hugs* I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, I know it seems like the pain will not stop, but I promise you it will. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! Read self-help books, talk to a counselor, go for walks when the weather is nice, do WHATEVER it takes to make yourself feel better (UNLESS it's something that is harmful to you or to others). Stay away from anything that might have a negative impact on your HOPE. HOPE is key. When you feel hopeless, the pain becomes harder to manage. and I believe you still have every reason to hope :)

Something else I do to maintain hope is pray. (Disclaimer: I am no in no trying to impose my beliefs on you, I just want to share my positive experience in case you are interested or find it helpful). I pray to God and I always get an answer. It may not always be the answer I expect, but I ALWAYS get an answer. It's okay to feel angry and scared and alone, but you can't let it consume you. You gotta keep searching, keep trying, keep hoping, but you also gotta cut yourself a BIG break, mentally, emotionally and physically. Try meditating if you don't believe in prayer.

You will make a wonderful mother someday and your husband will be a wonderful father.

and I agree with one of the aboev posters, I know it's so much easier said than done, but you gotta find a way to RELAX and de-STRESS. No matter what our goals in life may be or how hard we have to work to maintain it, if we don't give ourselves a break every now and then we'll burn ourselves out and that's not good for you, for your husband, or your future baby.

Deal with the pain, find ways to maintain HOPE and keep yourself in as a state of relaxation and calm as often as possible!

I will pray for you if that's ok?

Take care!

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will try my hardest to follow your good advice. As for the praying thing, I do that a lot and would appreciate any prayers you can give! :)

[inkster.livejournal.com]

I too struggled with IF for over four years (with two m/cs, one a year and a half into trying and another a year and a half after that) and I know how soul-sucking it is. At one point right after my first m/c, *ten* people I knew suddenly announced they were all pregnant, and like all of them went on about how they just turned off the lights and got pregnant, and then I got to hear a bunch of them go on about how awful it was. Yeah.

I too have done treatments (cycles with Clomid and Femara plus two with IUIs) without success, but couldn't reconcile spending so much money on IVF with such low success rates (the BFNs after the IUIs was hard enough, how would I feel spending so much more?) plus I was afraid of all the drugs, etc. It is definitely not an easy decision.

I always felt my husband took it a lot less seriously than I did. He was supportive, but at the same time he would be fine with not having kids (whereas I couldn't see the point of my life without having them), he obviously had no desire to be pregnant and know what it was like (something I felt very strongly about), etc. While we were in it together, I always felt that he was slightly less invested in it than I was.

As for relaxing, I got pregnant (and kept it!) right after my husband lost his job and we were under a ton of stress and hardly having sex at all :P

For support, consider joining the forums at http://ivf.ca. Lots of people going through the same things, some have been at it for even longer than you. I found it very helpful and still do because IF never leaves you, even after you get pregnant, even after you have a baby. It's a great place for info, support, venting, etc.

[rebeccagrace.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I will definitely try that site out. It's good to know I'm not alone, and I feel exactly the way you did about your husband's feelings...I guess since they don't carry the babies that it's sort of distanced from them.