is it normal for intercourse to be painful at first?

[chipie.livejournal.com]

Where do you all stand on the should-intercourse-be-painful-at-first debate?  (A debate that may or may not only exist in my head.)

I've always believed that there was no reason why first-time intercourse would be painful.  Especially if you've been sexually active before, use lots of lube, are turned on, have no problems with tampons or fingers, etc.

But that's what I did when I first started having intercourse, and it was still really painful.  Since then, over the course of one year or so, I've probably had/attempted intercourse about 20 times, maybe more.  The pain I've been having basically feels like there just isn't enough room in my vagina, if that makes sense.  Nothing seems to help it and it hasn't gotten better with time.

I've now given up (temporarily, I hope) because I don't think it should be this painful, and I don't like birth control.  But I also wonder if the pain was normal.  Maybe if I had just kept going it would eventually have gone away?

What do you all think?  It is normal for intercourse to be painful the first few/many times?  Or does that signal a problem? 

(I am going to see a doctor about it anyway, but I'm just wondering what the consensus is on this.  My friends are really divided, and I'm confused!)

Comments

[smckeown.livejournal.com]

I only pass by here infrequently, but since this is a topic I myself have something of a vested interest in, I happened to see your post. :)

My girlfriend and I are going through much the same thing, and for the past year have been attempting to become more fully sexually enabled around the painful sex problem. It's not something I had ever run into before... or, well, at least not since I stopped being a dumb boy who might never have noticed and instead became a smarter and more supportive boy instead. Being a smarter and supportive boy has led to the two of us making some happy headway into things working out for us, so I thought I'd give you a little advice and hope it can help you look at your situation through a different perspective.

I had never encountered the pain issue before, and had presumed at the beginning of our sexual exploration together that it was simply due to her virginity and that simply repeating the attempt (perhaps more forcefully) would be the critical step in resolving it. This sounded wrong to me somehow, since there didn't seem to be any hint of bleeding or tearing and thus this did not sound to me like a "hymen" issue so much as it was based on "this is how the size of her vagina is". I asked a few people whose opinions I trusted for advice, and they echoed that original thought, that repetition with more force would lead to resolution. This was the worst advice I could possibly have received, and thankfully I recognized that fact immediately and dismissed it in search of better information. (I asked a woman for her opinion then, and found out I should pretty much *only* be asking women because the guys basically suggested that same bad opinion over and over again like some sort of sacred truth.)

Over the past year, we achieved successful growth towards PIV intercourse through a few key things: 1) something I'm calling 'size training' for lack of a better or more accurate term, 2) growth of trust and sexual rapport, and 3) learning the ins and outs of how we work together instead of assuming that everything I knew from interactions with previous sexual partners would apply.

1) was done thusly: we acquired several different sizes of vibrators, ranging from "the thinnest vibrator we could find" to "approximately the same size as I am". These were then slowly introduced to our sexual routine alongside copious foreplay and cunnilingus, to ease into the idea of successful penetration not necessarily being painful.

2) grew naturally from the patience and caring we applied in regards to this, as very simply it was necessary for me to take my orgasm off of the table and focus entirely upon her sense of comfort, safety, and pleasure to dispel the expectation that it *had to* be painful. It's true that sex *can be* painful, and very unfortunate that for some it is the status quo. We found, however, that with greater confidence as we slowly but surely worked things from the incredibly comfortable to the somewhat challenging that we learned each others' sexual reactions and how much foreplay and lubrication was necessary, which alongside the building rapport led to closer and closer approaches of near-PIV experiences as the larger toys became pain-free.

As the positive, non-painful, orgasmic experiences were had over time, we were able to explore what did and did not work more successfully without the fear that pain was going to be the automatic result, and for the two of us at least 3) resulted in us learning that direct clitoral stimulation (by hand if that's what is available but preferably by vibrator, as that is more consistent and more easily controlled) greatly eased the ability to enjoy penetration by objects of greater width, and actually led to the largest toy being pleasurable with proper foreplay and lubrication, and even then there was still some discomfort that could have become painful if gentle care were not being taken as the first priority.

(cont'd)