My relationship rocks, except for the sex :(

[her-own-monster.livejournal.com]

Hi everybody! First-time poster, but frequent lurker- this comm has helped me -so- much in the past, and I can't thank you enough :) However, I'm experiencing something so problematic, it's not enough to rummage through the tags anymore, so I'm hoping you guys can help me out :/

My situation: I'm a girl, and I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We've lived together for a bit less than a year. I love him immensely; he's amazingly supporting and devoted. However, our sex life needs some major help.


When we first got together, We had sex all the freakin' time- New Relationship Energy is good for that :) As time went on, though, that decreased. It seemed to me that his interest kinda waned; he loved it when we did have sex, but never, ever initiated it or acted like he wanted it. This made me feel a little insecure, so I tried to speak to him about it. He barely spoke during that "conversation;" he clammed up and it was obvious he felt defensive. To his credit, after that, he sort of tried to be better about initiating it, but not in a way that I was OK with: he thought that joking counted as showing interest ("What would you like to do?" "Well, we could watch The Office, or we just got that new video game, or, well, we do have genitals!" This is a verbatim quote, btw).

This made me really uncomfortable, and the amt we had sex decreased as a result, so I tried talking to him again. This time, he handled it better: he acknowledged my feelings, and admitted he had some flaws in his technique to smooth out. Once again, the amount of sex increased. And just like the last go-round, it didn't last very long. Soon, I was once more the only one initiating it.

At this point, I am the only one initiating sex, which happens once a week at most because I feel like he wants nothing to do with me sexually; it only occurs when I get so horny I can't stand it any more and I can look past the hurt I experience because I feel that my partner doesn't want to touch me. This time, I feel, even during the sex, like he'd rather be elsewhere: Everything is extremely routine and predictable. When we get to PIV, he lasts about two minutes at most (he's never been great at endurance, but it's gotten much worse over time).

I'm so unhappy about this situation that I'm becoming resentful of him in our daily life, outside of our sexual encounters. I don't have the highest libido ever, but I'm really frustrated. I feel that good sex is vital to my romantic relationships, and that things are going to get ugly fast if I can't work this out.


I fully realize that he and I need to have a discussion about all this- I suppose I'm asking you to help me figure out how to have that discussion. I've tried to bring it up twice with not-so-good results, and I have a feeling that when I broach the subject again he'll clam up or become self-deprecating and nothing will be solved. How can I share my thoughts on the subject in the most non-threatening way possible (I thought I had this down, but our prior conversations show him to be hypersensitive about this issue)? Also, can you offer any suggestions I can pass along to him to help with his problems (premature ejaculation/self-confidence)? I don't really know enough about those topics to offer him any pointers.

tl;dr: I love my boyfriend but our sex life is not working for me, and I need help with communicating this before our relationship suffers.

Comments

[oatmealmonster.livejournal.com]

The only advice I have is make sure when you do try to talk to him that you are not talking in any sort of annoyed/frustrated, blaming, etc. way.

While Ive never been in a live-in relationship (and Im still a virgin) so I cannot talk from experience, I have just finished a class on intimacy and the book/lectures had some interesting stuff to say about cohabitating (married or not) couples though...

One thing the authors noted is that often times the romance/intimacy does disappear for some couples because of seeing his/her partner doing his/her daily routine. Did you notice all this starting to happen maybe a couple months after moving in together?

If you did, the book said you should try to be more "private" like don't lounge around in ugly over-sized clothes (try to wear comfy fitted clothes like camis, shorts, etc.), keep the door closed when using the bathroom, dont burp/fart around him, etc.

Thats all I got. Give it some more time and hopefully everything will work out :)
Good luck

[anni-hilation.livejournal.com]

I think the best way to have tough talks is to be as absolutely non-accusatory as possible. This may or may not work for you, and might sound slightly backwards, but I find that sometimes when broaching difficult topics with my boyfriend, it works a little bit better if I ask him whether or not I am doing something wrong, or if there is anything I could do to help remedy the "problem". I try to do that before attempting to explain my feelings, as I feel it helps to take some of the blame and guilt off of him, so maybe that would help him with the defensiveness and sensitivity to the topic? Also, try asking him how he feels about your sex life, and if there's anything stressing him out outside of your relationship that you might be able to help him with. Stress can do a lot of damage to a sex life, believe me, and his lack of libido might have nothing to do with his attraction to you. A lot of guys tend to lean more towards wanting to be the "protector" so to speak, so maybe he doesn't want to burden with you with how he's feeling about certain issues, like something with work or school or even family. Agh sorry for the novel! I hope this helps, and good luck with everything!

[anni-hilation.livejournal.com]

Also! Don't forget to be as honest as possible. Try to be as diplomatic as you can, while not sugarcoating or abbreviating how you feel. Seriously though, best of luck. I hope you get advice that works for you!

[krisssa.livejournal.com]

I agree with this comment.

[sndndvsn.livejournal.com]

I'm in the exact same situation, but with a girl. I know how frustrating it is and I seriously hope you figure it out. I wish I had some kind of advice. Sorry.

[bumperless.livejournal.com]

Something in your post reminded me of phenomenal advice a friend once gave me. My boyfriend and I were having some problems in the sack, and the friend I went to for advice stopped me when I started explaining the situation and said, "First off, it's WE. Not 'I have a problem', or 'he has a problem'. What you should be saying is 'WE have a problem'." So "his" erection problem became "our" erection problem, and just changing the way I thought and talked about it was helpful. It takes two to tango and all that jazz. I actually started the conversation with "We have a problem", which sounds cliched now, but it got the ball rolling.

Maybe you could ask him about "our" problems with communicating about sex or making it last longer? Especially if he feels like his self-confidence is at stake, hearing that he as an individual has a list of problems to resolve might make him shut down. And be sure he knows your self-confidence is in play too; you said you feel like he doesn't even want to touch you. He's probably not even aware of that (especially if he's super sweet!).

My sexual partner is really bad about not knowing how to initiate anything either--"we both have genitals" is totally out of his playbook and made me laugh, but that approach really kills it for me. We've come up with other phrases that are sort of just as blunt but get the point across. (Which is why I have the phrases "Up for a game of Star Wars?" and "Nice shoes." have become big turn-ons.) Maybe together the two of you can find ways for him to ask for it that work for both of you. Good luck! /novel

[spamanda77.livejournal.com]

This "we" bit is excellent advice in general. (says the woman who's been with her hubby for over ten years now, yikes!)

[bumperless.livejournal.com]

Congratulations! It was so simple, but so revolutionary for me. I love it when the answer works out that way!

[righteousbean.livejournal.com]

I love your "we" bit. I will use it in my relationship from now on.

[bumperless.livejournal.com]

I hope it helps. The friend who gave it to me definitely changed the way I viewed my relationships. It's saved me from making a lot of mistakes that had become habitual and spelled the early end of some otherwise great relationships.

[tanyaface.livejournal.com]

The "we" thing is awesome.

The "nice shoes" made me laugh. My boyfriend and I are often more straightforward : "Wanna bang?"

[bumperless.livejournal.com]

Awesome! It's actually become a huge game now. He'll start a long conversation about something random, and 30 minutes later he wraps it around a corner and says, "So speaking of which, I can't help but you notice you're wearing Nice. Shoes."

[what-a-charmer.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah, so are we.

Sitting there, watching a movie. "Let's bone." "Okay."

[quietmusing.livejournal.com]

First I would take a real hard look at your relationship. I have noticed in myself and others that we have a tendency to brush off the bad parts of our relationships and focus so much on the good that the bad parts build up until you can't ignore them anymore. I would spend an hour or so and really think about this away from him. I personally a fan of writing things down just to get it out of my head. Chances are this isn't the only portion of your relationship that needs work. Problems aren't usually isolated. Then I would think back about when this all started (which it sounds like you have been)

I do like bumperless's idea that this is a we problem. Then I would set aside a night were you can have a long dinner and talk. Talk about everything, good and bad about your relationship. Try really really hard not to get overly emotional. Many guys really don't know how to deal with it and he will clam up rather fast. It seems like this is his defense mechanism. My personal trick on friends like that is if they start making that body language as in crossing their arms. I grab there hand & hold it why we talk. Be prepared for silence as he processes what you say. Figure out what you want out of the night, and communicate what you want and are willing to do for it. Just realize you need to both put effort into fixing this. You need to feel sexually wanted in this relationship & that is normal. He should be willing to work with you on this.

Good Luck

[bumperless.livejournal.com]

Oh, I really like the idea of taking his hand if he's crossing his arms. Thank you!

[quietmusing.livejournal.com]

Your welcome, I have done it to a few people and it always throws them off and gets them back into the convo. Its the stance of someone trying to step back/protect themselves. Most people don't realize they do it.

Beth writes a novel, part 1

[archangelbeth]

I think that it would be a good thing to accept that there are two potentially serious and painful possibilities, which I'll say first because that way anything else will probably seem a lot easier to handle.

1) He's bi/gay and more interested in men than women, whether he consciously admits it or not. (My sire was obviously bi enough to, well, sire me. But he cheated on my mom with guys a lot. You'd think I'd be angry at gays for that, but I'm just angry at him for the cheating.) If this is the case, then there is pretty much nothing you can do except be kind; it can be really hard to not be heterosexual, and if you like someone a whole lot except that their gender doesn't turn you on... He may be faking it for social reasons and personal reasons, but either way, defensiveness about sex suggests that he's hiding something.

2) He's fallen out of love. (Or out of the romantic fantasy of luuuuuuv, which men are just as vulnerable to as women.) HIs eye may be wandering. He may just feel confused that he doesn't love you anymore, with the Mad Passionate Crush feeling, even though you're still the same great girlfriend as before -- and so he feels guilty and defensive that he's not finding you as OMG ATTRACTIVE as he used to, but is instead fantasizing about Jessica Rabbit or the Alien from Aliens or something.

2a) He's discovering that, when the first crush wears off, he's not blind and doesn't understand that monogamy doesn't have to come with blinders. (My spouse looks at joggers in spandex all the time. I ritually thwap him to show that I'm noticing. If I fail to notice, he draws my attention so that I can ritually thawp him. If I ogle a guy, he either ritually thwaps me or goes HMPH! and rolls his eyes. We're pretty secure that non-blindness to others' charms doesn't have to threaten monogamy.)

Now, for other things which are more likely and probably going to be more solvable.

Is he stressed enough that his libido is just in the pits? Does he have any health problems that might be causing erection difficulties or premature ejaculation or any other "oh god i fail at manhood" issues? *beth re-reads*

Sounds like he does have the endurance issues. This can really hit him in the self esteem -- he may well be avoiding sex because it makes him feel like a failure, and he's gotten into a subconscious resentment of you because you want what he feels he fails at. Consider the insecurity that this will likely create, down in his subconscious even if it's nothing that he'll admit even to himself! He sucks at sex, you want sex, he feels he can't satisfy you and you're going to leave and mock him to everyone and he's going to be hurt and dammit this wouldn't happen if she weren't some sex-monster no, no she's a nice person it's all his fault but if she didn't keep PUSHING and he's not even in the MOOD for it anymore...

See the nasty little spiral there? (Humans! We all have a tendency to try to resent what we feel guilty about.)

Beth writes a novel, part 2

[archangelbeth]

So... Start from an assumption that he's hurting. That he's feeling "broken" and "unmanly" because he's got endurance issues and all the porn (not to mention spam email) teaches him that he should have rock hard erections, at will, that last for hours so that His Woman Will Be Satisfied. You don't want him to hurt, I'm sure! Pull away your totally understandable resentment of his apparent sexual rejection, so that when you talk to him, you have your words and tone and body-language all firmly in the register of sincere, "Dear one, I love you, and something's not right, and I'm want to help you."

Ask him if there's something is making him feel that you don't love him, that makes him feel he needs to pull back from intimacy to protect himself from heartbreak. Ask him what you could do to make him feel loved and safe. If he asks something like, "Is this about the sex?" I'd suggest saying something like, "I thought it was, but now I think it's something deeper than that. And because I really care about you, I want to find out what it is, and if it's something that we can solve together."

(Because if it's as something as simple as premature ejaculation, there are plenty of things that can be done -- but the first thing is likely to be fixing his self-esteem so that he can do those things without feeling like he Fails At Manhood. There are countless women who post to VP, asking, "Am I broken because I can't have an orgasm during 'normal' sex? Am I less a woman because I've never had an orgasm?" It hurts guys just as much if they think they're not sexually "normal," and they aren't likely to have access to a great LJ community that'll tell them, "Yeah, you're normal; here's some things to try, to overcome the issues so that you'll be happier. You're totally normal to have to try these things! Lots of guys have these issues! You may even need to find alternate ways of keeping your partner satisfied, so here's some things you can do with sex-toys, your fingers, and your tongue. Dude, she's going to love you and appreciate the pleasure you give her no matter what part of your body you use, and if she has some hangup on Only The Penis Will Do, you deserve someone who doesn't have that hangup."

So... It may be something entirely different, but try to approach it from a position of utter sympathy, and hopefully he won't be able to get into the defensive spiral of "I suck, she wants sex and I fail at it and this wouldn't happen if she didn't want the sex so much." Whatever he says, listen and don't plan what you're going to say while he's talking. It's really hard! As a guy, he's likely to have just about no intimate support network except you (those are the odds; not the absolutes), so admitting to you things that his socialization suggests will lose you... Hard for him, too.

If it does turn out that he's been cheating on you or something that's far more a breach in trust than "too tired; libido gone" or "too worried about manhood malfunctions," you may need to hold onto your calm really hard and say, "Okay. I need to process this by myself a little." While you don't want to go straight to "okay, I forgive you," there are a lot of situations where being Really Calm (even when you want to scream and kill) will serve you better in the long run.

I'd put the odds on sexual esteem issues, though, possibly compounded by a wandering eye in the eternal human "well, if X isn't working, would the new model work better?" fallacy -- ditch the old problems and stresses and memories of failure and start anew! Which, of course, would make him feel guilty if he cares about you at all, and that'd make him defensive because he expects drama if he admits it and doesn't want to hurt you...

I've written an incoherent novel, I can tell. I hope that some nuggets of it are useful. Pitch out anything that's not, okay? Good luck!

[foureyedgirl.livejournal.com]

Is it possible he could be very into/involved with porn? The situation kind of sounds like what was going on with my ex. (He was watching porn and masturbating several times of day so once I came around I was just useless to him) I may be way off base so I apologize if I am, but that was the first thing I thought of.

What happened

[her-own-monster.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who responded, even if just to say "I'm in the same boat." It meant a lot to me, and the advice was really stellar :)

So I took a deep breath and had "the conversation" today. Here it is; maybe the details will help someone else out!

I asked him to sit on our bed with me and opened by saying that I feel like WE'RE having a problem with intimacy. I asked him to be very honest and to tell me if he felt like there was anything I was doing to make him not want to be intimate with me, any way I could make him feel more secure. He said there wasn't- he brought up the stamina issue and confirmed that he's in a self-defeating cycle of "I'm so bad at sex, I can't satisfy her at all, she doesn't want to have sex with me," which makes him a) not ever want to initiate sex and b) feel like our sex is more a test than something for us to both enjoy.

I let him know that it's something we BOTH can and will both work on- maybe we can start incorporating more toys, oral, etc. so I can be satisfied, which will really help him relax. I also told him that I similarly felt sexually rejected, and we realized that we both have an unrealistic expectation of the other that sex will happen spontaneously and be OMGawesome every. time.

So we came up with a system in which, if we're feeling frisky, we let the other know via words that we're interested in having sex, and ASK (that's important for me) if the other is interested as well. Then we can proceed accordingly. We've also agreed to be more communicative during sex- "Do this with your tongue," which will really help both of us not feel like we're being tested.

He's a really sweet person, and every time something like this happens, it just confirms that we're meant to be. Thanks once more to every commenter, and to VP for being there. Good luck, all :)

Re: What happened

[archangelbeth]

I'm so glad that you could have that conversation, and I hope that y'all can keep the communication up for the times when old habits might try to trip y'all up. Crossing fingers that all goes well, and again, it's great to hear that things worked!

[torpedoed.livejournal.com]

my boyfriend used to feel like sex was a test as well, i had to explain to him that i wasn't judging, if i didn't finish i did not feel likt it was his fault. i just explained to him that either way sex feels good for me, even if i haven't finished and that he should offer to help me out after he is finished, this could be oral, using toys, whatever. it really helped him relax and just focus on having sex and not just helping me. as a result of being more relaxed he has been able to find new techniques that are wonderful. :)

this might also work for you. also, i agree on being more communicative during sex, if you like what he is doing, say so, if you think something would feel better, say that too. we do that as well and it is very helpful.

good luck!