old married couple

[starry3yedgrl.livejournal.com]

For those of you who have been or are in a long term relationship,  how do you keep your sex life alive?  I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and have lived together for a year and I feel like we are an old married couple.   We had sex this morning and I think it was the first time in about a month.  It's hard to describe....in some ways I am happy with the status quo....meaning, I don't walk around horny and frustrated that I am not getting any.  But I am unhappy in the way that I feel like there is something terribly wrong with the little amount that we have sex considering we haven't been together all that long.

Sorry, this is kinda long.....I know there are a few reasons why it could be dwindling.  I have been having some pain during sex (see my painful sex post from 3/1), so obviously having pain once can make someone not too eager to do it again.  But if that is adding to the lack in libido, it is an unconscious thought because I don't walk around physically wanting to have sex but being scared of the pain.

The other thing is, my boyfriend and I went through a pretty rough patch, so I can see that adding to it.  Who wants to have sex with someone you're always fighting with (and we're not really into passionate make-up sex).  But the last few months have been much better and it looks like we are out of the woods in that regard, so I thought our sex life would perk up once we fixed a lot of our problems.

Despite those two very good reasons for a drop in libido, I feel like a lot of it is just laziness and settling into routine.  After work we are tired, still have to cook dinner and clean up, etc.  It's like we just can't muster up the energy or the desire to have sex anymore.  We're still very affectionate with each other and I am still very physically attracted to him.  In passing we quite often will hug or kiss or he'll smack my butt on the way by....And I often find myself daydreaming about having sex with him when I am not with him....like if I am at work, or if he is out with friends.  I will be really wishing he was home and I have plans to start stuff up when he gets home, but then that never seems to happen.  I either forget or get caught up in other stuff.

I think it's really sad and I don't want to be like this when we haven't been together all that long.  He is my first serious relationship in quite a while, and the first guy I've ever lived with and been this serious with.....so the whole long term serious relationship is kind of new to me lately.  The last several years I had gotten used to the sexual excitement of new guys fairly often (ok not THAT often) and short lived relationships in which the relationship ended before the sexual appetite could fade out at all. 

I'm not sure if I am really looking for advice like "buy some sexy lingerie, etc....because once we're in the moment we're fine, but I'm wondering how you get that feeling back of wanting to start something.... not being an old tired couple who let dirty dishes and everyday life get in the way of their sex life.

Comments

[maiamorgan.livejournal.com]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Sex.... to be honest.... its not the biggest priority in our lives. :) Don't get me wrong, we LOVE it. But at the end of the day, our daughter, bills, household chores.... sometimes we are just too tired.

What we do when we are in a rut: Go on a date. We get a babysitter and get dressed up and go have some fun. It makes us smile and laugh and by the end of the night we have usually teased each other silly.

Sex is one of those things that sometimes your libido is great and sometimes its not. But the key thing is to talk to your partner about it. If you feel you are in a rut, talk to him. Communication is vital in all aspects of the relationship.

Fuck, I sound like I'm preaching, sorry. :) I obviously don't have all the answers, but I can't stress talking enough. Also, don't be afraid to try new things, but know your boundaries as well. hope I've been somewhat helpful. :)

[starry3yedgrl.livejournal.com]

Thank you, it helps to know others go through the same thing. Though if we were together for 10 years it probably wouldn't bother me so much....but losing the fire at only a year and a half and no kids yet? Yikes, lol. Thanks for the reply though...maybe my problem is the fact that I am making an issue of it when I shouldn't be. In some ways, it's not like I necessarily want to have more sex, but I feel like we should want to have more, if that makes any sense.

[maiamorgan.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. Just don't stress out about it, that will only make it worse. :) And don't feel that its strange to be thinking these things when y'all haven't been together all that long. Its very normal.

[necromance.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half too and have lived together since July. At first, we went wild because we weren't living in dorms and didn't have any roommates, but then it died down.

I think you just get numb to each other. Like you see each other so much that you become used to it. Kind of like a drug addict, eventually the same amount doesn't work anymore.

Like maiamorgan said, there's just so much going on sometimes that you're too tired. A lot of times I look at the apartment and think "Our energy would probably be better used towards (cleaning, doing bills, ect)"

Something that I've noticed that helps me is feeling sexy for myself. Like when your boyfriend is out with his friends put on some sexy lingerie, or just a cute outfit, do your hair, make-up, whatever makes you feel sexy. Then just hang out around the house. Since you're by yourself you don't feel like you have to 'perform' for him, you can just enjoy looking damn fine all on your own. Then when he comes home, you'll feel sexy, be in a slinky little number and he'll probably start to feel pretty sexy too.

So, I definitely say talk about it, talk is always good. And totally go buy some sexy lingerie, visit a sex shop together, watch some porn on the internet. A little change in the routine works wonder.

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

If you can, a weekend away works really well. A new city, or something, things to do in the daytime but meals cooked for you like a hotel or something, not being part of the routine of life with no responsibilities, and just enjoying being together and doing close things like massage, without the expectation that you HAVE to have sex, but knowing you could if you felt like it.

[activist-woman4.livejournal.com]

My husband and I have been married for about almost a year and a half (were in a LDR for 13 months prior to that) and I feel EXACTLY the same way. I've been on HBC for about 6 years and I'm starting to think that's a huge contributor to my low libido.

Sorry I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone. I have all the same worries and anxieties that you do. I tend to think it's normal, but when you hear about/see other people having sex 2-3-4-5 times a week and you're doin' it once a month, it's hard to not feel strange and a little sad.

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

We've been together over 6 years. We just don't have sex as much anymore. It's a little different once you're living together rather than just dating. When you see each other all the time, it can be difficult to remember to take time for intimacy. And other things start taking priority. Although my husband and I don't have sex very often, we snuggle before going to sleep every night and I don't think a day goes by that we don't make out a little. We're very loving toward each other and hug and kiss all the time. We're both happy and satisfied.. PIV just isn't much of a priority. We do try to do it more often lately as we're TTC1

[leads-to-sex.livejournal.com]

What's TTC1?

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

I'm guessing "trying to conceive" and a missed shift key!

[leads-to-sex.livejournal.com]

Ah. Seriously, I hate when people use acronyms on the Internet and assume everyone is going to know what they are without having to think about it.

[indigodye.livejournal.com]

I personally agree with you, but TTC is a big one, especially on women's health forums. It DOES get annoying trying to type out "trying to conceive" over and over. I know I use TTC because I'm tired of typing it out, and I'm not even TTC! :-D

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, I'm not a huge acronym user, but this is a pretty big one and not internet-specific.

[lil-goldielocks.livejournal.com]

"trying to conceive baby #1"

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Lol, sorry. That should be TTC!, not TTC1 -- trying to conceive. :)

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Exactly this. We always snuggle together in bed for a couple of hours before sleep, we're always holding hands and kissing, and we're very romantic. We love sex, we're deeply attracted to each other and have amazing sessions, but sometimes when life's in your way all you want is a cuddle and a backrub!

When it comes down to it she knows I love her, I know she loves me, and I'd rather have mindblowing sex not so often, than half-arsed, tired, medication-hampered shagging every night!

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

:)

I meant to say that too-- when we do have sex it's absolutely mind-blowing. So much better than half-assed sex and just further proof that there's nothing wrong with our sex life, even though the sex is infrequent.

[storychick.livejournal.com]

We've been together 15 years, married 10. And I can tell you, that there are seasons in a relationship that long. We've had periods where we go weeks without, and periods where its nearly every day. Sometimes sleep is just way more important, or someone is too stressed at work, or we've just started concentrating on our own things a little -- and then we find our way back, and fall in love all over again, and go at it like bunnies. And that's okay. You couldn't possibly get anything else done if it was always like your first year, you have to "do life" again at some point instead of just staring at each other. :)

I find that a good way for me, at least, to bring myself back into the mindset is a) to make sure I am getting enough time alone (I am a stay at home mom to 3 kids, so its a problem for me!) and b) we refocus on doing the little things and connecting to each other for awhile every day. So much of sex is a mind thing. I need to have my emotional and intellectual needs being met before I can feel sexy and interested.

I think, too, that just plain old talking about it helps a lot. We make sure that we are discussing it when we've had dry spells, especially the ones that happened after each baby. Knowing that we both want to, but that we're too tired/too stressed/too whatever is getting in the way, makes it easier. Sometimes it even sparks something. :)

Hang in there, keep talking... the mojo will return. :)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're not alone. My husband and I have been married almost a year, together for about 18 months. And since June of last year, our sex life has taken a major nose dive. At one point, even though we find each other outrageously physically attractive, we hadn't had sex for four months or so. I've posted about it here before a few months ago, but I'll try to summarize what I've learned since.

Like you and your partner, my partner and I fight relatively often. We're both rather... cantankerous and stubborn people, and this has led to some ridiculous fights. But we're working on that... and on our sex life.

I learned a few things thanks to discussions in VP and with my partner:

+ I tend to be most interested in sex when I'm not doing anything else with my life. Which sounds terrible, but there you have it. The trigger for the death of our sex life was me finally getting my "dream job," which consumed a lot of my time and energy. So for me, my goal is to learn to separate work and life enough that my career ambitions won't destroy my libido.

+ There are underlying issues in our relationship that are affecting our sex life. Day-to-day things, like balance of chores, little miscommunications. Working on those aspects is the most important way to restore our sex life. So we've established some guidelines about rebuilding true intimacy in our relationship before working on the sex thing. Because we had really lost intimacy due to the routine of life together, which brings us to...

+ The biggest issue is the routine. Routine often isn't very sexy. Unfortunately it's too frigging cold for us to have much willpower to change our routine, but when spring comes, our first priority is setting aside time to go out, do new things, try new things together, and shake up our home life.

+ Randomly, I have recently discovered that a glass or two of wine tends to bring my libido back in full force. So we've been making sure to keep a bottle of red around and enjoy a glass or two together at the end of a long day when time permits. Sometimes, it works wonders.

[http://users.livejournal.com/bettymonroe_/]

Try initiating making-out more. I know this is a silly and simple suggestion, but it helps in my relationship.

[archangelbeth]

Pain can cause lack of libido, yes. And after your body has gotten accustomed to lack-of-sex, the libido can also go down. (I'm lower-libido now because adding a kid to the spouse's long work-hours kind of scotches our "together time." Lots of cuddle time, at least; cuddles are more interruptible for "I had a nightmare.")

About the only thing I can suggest is starting by planning sex. (Which sounds awful to some, and frankly doesn't work so well with me -- I prefer to sort of get into the mood with long-term cuddling, discussion, etc.) Resolve to do it just as much as washing the dishes, sometime when it'll fit into the schedule. If there's still painful sex for you, then stick to things that aren't painful and work on finding ways to make sex unpainful!

Hopefully that'll bootstrap your libido a bit (it seems to help mine). Masturbation, when you know that he's not going to be available till you're both worn out and not in the mood, is another way to keep your libido from guttering out entirely.

And do talk to your partner about it -- does he want to work on planning when you can have some sexytimes, or is he content (at least for now, with whatever his work is right now)? Communication is important.

[whatwe-know.livejournal.com]

just want to sympathize!!! sometimes i don't let it bother me, but sometimes i just feeling like i'm doing something wrong because i'm 22 and have been with the boyfriend for only 1.5 years! i definitely think people just get settled into a routine and that the feeling of newness is so fleeting. it gets harder to get sexually worked up. kinda sucks, but i think unless one has a really high sex drive naturally or wants to work at "keeping the spark alive" etc reaallly hard, then it is sort of inevitable. i haven't found what works for me, yet.

[nickelshoe.livejournal.com]

I've been married two and a half years. We're actually more sexual now than we were a year ago. I don't know your relationship, but I can tell you what has helped mine. Going on dates (not just eating at Hardee's, but dressing nice and going to a movie or playing tennis or something). Communicating about our feelings and sex. We got into a bad cycle of both of us thinking the other was never in the mood just because we got horny at different times. And trying to look nice as much as possible, not to get sex (because that can make you feel rejected if it doesn't happen), but to feel sexy.

[lougolas.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, I recently re-read an article from a couple of years ago on the BBC News website that said a study had found that the "omg, must have sex right now" chemistry lasts a maximum of two years, then your body moves into long-term relationship mode. It could be that you've hit that shift - but like the article says, a lot of people see that as negative when really it's just new.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4669104.stm

[i-coyolxauhqui.livejournal.com]

:/

that is so odd to me. I've been with my boyfriend 4 years and nothing has really changed sexually except that we do it more now that we know eachothers bodies better and are better at it. Like, that article makes perfect sense to me and everything, and it would seem to make sense, it just makes me feel so weird because they're saying EVERYONE is like that but I'm just not.

[lougolas.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and we're the same way we've always been :-) We were effectively in an LDR while I was studying abroad though, so it's hard to judge if the chemicals have lasted longer than the two-year lifespan the article gives or if they were jump-started by being apart for a few months! The thing is, relationships are all so varied that there's no hard and fast rule for them all - it's interesting that the researchers claim people panic over a natural progression though.

[ellc.livejournal.com]

I can imagine that living with someone can be a little draining. Especially because you don't get "ready" to see them. You know you don't put on a little lipstick before you meet up, or make sure your underwear is cute. I've been in a relationship for two years and it always puts me in the mood to take a bath and make sure I smell super pretty and have nice lotion on. I'm less in the mood after spending the weekend at his house drinking beer and hanging out with his roommates in PJs.

Also I've noticed that when I'm not feeling super sexual I can kick start myself by indulging in fantasies. Or reading a erotic novel. Sometimes I masturbate. I do all this stuff on my own. It just helps me feel more sexual and in touch with that side of myself. Then its easier to feel sexy with a partner. I read somewhere that women that read romance novels are more fufilled in their sex lives. I think that totally makes sense. If you are getting turned on by yourself you'll have that same feeling to bring to someone else.

I hope that helps. And for what its worth our sex life is more frequent and of better quality now then a year ago, so it ebbs and flows.