Possible sexual abuse?

[mud-faerie.livejournal.com]

Something happened to me the other day, and I'm still really just...confused by it. Well not by the event, but by my reaction (or rather lack of...) to it. I feel like I need to talk about it with someone but my closest friends and family live 200 miles away, I wouldn't want to worry/horrify them when I still can't get my own feelngs on this. I need to get this out, and I need to hear what someone else thinks. I'll cut it incase anyone will find it upsetting.
I'm sorry if this kind of post isn't allowed here, so mods feel free to delete.
One of my best friends is a male, I'll call him G. We've known each other for years from back home, and he happened to move to a city near where I live now last year. We see each other every couple of months and there has never been any kind of sexual tension between us. When we see each other, we usually get drunk and have a smoke and just generally relax and have a laugh. He came to mine the other night and everything went like normal. He usually sleeps in my spare bedroom but I am redecorating it at the moment so he was going to crash on the sofa. We've shared a bed a few times over the years just because of lack of space at parties etc, you know, but nothing has ever -ever- happened, that's just not the kind of relationship we have. At least, I don't think anything has ever happened, but now I'm not so sure.
I drank and smoked a little more than usual the last time he came over (I've been trying to ignore some bad news, grrrreat idea), and ended up really passing out into a dead dead sleep. I have a fuzzy memory of the evening, but I know two things for certain: 1. I went to bed full clothed and alone and 2. the whole night, I did not flirt or come on to G or give him any reason for thinking I wanted something sexual from him that night.
I woke up to find my trousers pulled down and his hand inside me. It was inside me a lot. I pretended to stay asleep for a moment whilst I tried to figure out what the hell was going on, and he just kept pushing his hand inside me. I pretended to wake up, asking him what was going on. He basically tried to tell me I had been coming on to him the night before...but he didn't give a proper explanation. Now that I am looking back on this I don't know WHY I didn't just absolutely rip his head off, I can't understand it. But at the time I was so fricking confused by the situation and kept thinking 'well maybe I just can't remember something else happening from last night'...I know that is nonsense now. I also thought I'd had a dream that he was doing stuff to me but now I am pretty sure I wasn't dreaming.
I haven't spoken to him since...I never ever want to see him again. For a few days I think I was just shell shocked, but I don't even really feel angry or anything. I just...I feel...nonplussed. Puzzled. Like...did G really DO that?! He's just...I've known him for so long, and I thought I knew him so well and...I don't get it.

I think the biggest thing that is bothering me is that if a girl said any of this to me I would be screaming with anger for her. But I just feel SO WEIRD about it.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do.

Comments

[missmofo.livejournal.com]

From my perspective, that is DEFINITELY sexual abuse. If you don't recall coming on to him (which even if you were, that is NO WAY permission for what he did). You didn't give him verbal permission to touch you in any way and he had no right to invade your body while you were sleeping. If I were you, I'd call the police on him. I've had this kinda shit happen to me before and it's no small matter.

[svexsal.livejournal.com]

I would see that as an assault on your being.

It's okay for you to have a delayed reaction and to feel frozen. That's fine. When things like this occur your body and mind just go into major WTF mode. At some point you may consider confronting him about it but if you don't feel like doing so right now, that's perfectly fine too.

I would advise you to talk to someone, a counselor, to gain some objectivity on this. It couldn't hurt at all. You don't seem terribly shaken by the whole event and that's a major plus for you. I commend you for that.

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

While I realize that you're commenting completely out of support for the OP, I wanted to mention that while it is completely possible that the OP might feel that she wants to report his behavior to the police or confront this person directly, it is not her responsibility to do so. The fact that he might do this sort of thing to someone else is all on him, not on the OP. You're right, of course, that he is completely in the wrong - but that is his fault. If the OP chooses to deal with what happened to her without confront him or going to the police, that's her choice. What's important is that she takes care of herself right now, and does whatever she needs to heal from this experience.

(frozen)

[jmnstars.livejournal.com]

Although I know where you are coming from and do agree that it is not the OP's responsibility to confront him or turn him in. HOWEVER, with this type of person who thinks it's okay to violate another human being in this way, if SOMEBODY does not take action then he will go on thinking it's okay to continue behaving this way.

It's like a child who constantly steals a cookie out of the cookie jar even though he know it's wrong. If he doesn't get punished, then he will still keep doing this because...well, he gets a cookie out of it. I know this is a bad analogy, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment.

And I do remember saying something a long the lines of "whatever you feel comfortable with" but I probably meant was "if you feel comfortable doing either of these." I in no way want to pressure the OP into doing anything she does not feel comfortable doing. Even though I don't know her in person, as a fellow member of PV will whole-heartedly support her no matter what choices she makes. That's what this community is all about - empowerment and support. (at least that's the way I feel about it)

*deleted and reposted because I feel that strongly about this...if the mods still feel it's not appropriate then you are welcome to delete this.*

(frozen) Maintainer Note

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Hi, jmnstars. I'm writing on behalf of the VP Team to express concern that the attitude and/or wording above do not foster what we consider Safe Space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#Things_to_Consider_when_Responding_to_Posts_about_Sexual_Assault) in this community, and may fall under the category of victim blaming (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22victim_blaming.22_and_why_is_it_not_allowed_in_VP.3F).

Specifically, we are concerned about your statement, "HOWEVER, with this type of person who thinks it's okay to violate another human being in this way, if SOMEBODY does not take action then he will go on thinking it's okay to continue behaving this way." It places responsibility for preventing future acts on someone other than the attacker, the one person who bears full blame for what happened.

For more info about why this is important, check out this post (http://community.livejournal.com/contact_vp/16045.html) in contact_vp.

We also ask that folks not delete comments (and we don't delete them either!) in order to keep a complete and transparent record of comments that everyone can see.

Please consider this a warning as well as a friendly reminder to take this opportunity to review VP's policies. You can find more information on these in our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ), as linked here:

--What are VP's rules? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_are_the_rules.3F)
--What is "safe space"? What does "empowerment" mean? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F_What_does_.22empowerment.22_mean.3F)
--What is "victim blaming"? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22victim_blaming.22_and_why_is_it_not_allowed_in_VP.3F)
--Things to consider before responding to posts about sexual assault in VP (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#Things_to_Consider_when_Responding_to_Posts_about_Sexual_Assault)

You are more than welcome to make a post over in contact_vp or to contact us via email (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php) if you'd like to talk more about this matter or clarify any points; we only ask that you avoid commenting further here out of respect for the OP. For that reason, replies to this thread will be frozen.

Thanks,
Tori
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp

[vinaceous.livejournal.com]

This is assault, flat out. There is nothing acceptable about sexually/physically accosting someone when they are incapacitated and cannot give explicit consent or respond to what is happening. I understand that you're confused and shell-shocked right now, but it might be a good idea to tell him straight why what he did was wrong, if you do feel comfortable. Either way, I hope that you get through this...I'm sorry you had this happen.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

This, exactly. What he did is definitely sexual assault because you did not express verbal consent.

I'm so sorry.

[bloody-kisser.livejournal.com]

That does sound like sexual abuse to me.

Even if you were coming onto him (which it doesn't seem so) you sound like you were basically (Or were completely) passed out - and that's not right to do that to someone when they aren't concious.

I've been through sexual abuse, it's not uncommon to go through the "Shell Shock" sort of stage - and there's nothing wrong with you for not feeling anything, this stuff doesn't and isn't suppose to happen and you don't know how to deal with it.

I would suggest talking to a counselor as well as close friends who can support. And, honestly, I think talking to the police might be a good idea - but only if you feel comfortable with that.

This isn't your fault, and any guy who would do that deserves castration. I think you are exactly right for not wanting to see or talk to him again.

Good luck hon'. You're strong. =)

If you need someone else to talk to about this, my e-mail is on my profile and you are welcome to it.

♥

[lamenting-gigno.livejournal.com]

I think you should talk to someone (counselor, etc) as soon as possible so that you don't have any lasting effects from this. I'd consider this sexual assault, deffinitely, and terrifying.. <3

[paperispatient.livejournal.com]

Ditto what the others have said. I would call this sexual assault - he did something to you when you were unable to give your consent, because you were asleep. Regardless of whether or not you were coming onto him, that is not acceptable in any way. I think your reaction is totally understandable; for someone you thought of as a friend to violate you in that way would definitely be hard to wrap your head around. I would say, take a while to let what happened sink in and then see how you feel - if you want to confront him, if you want to press charges, etc. Whether or not you do either or both of those things, I would stay away from him - he had absolutely no right to do what he did, and I would not trust him not to try something again. Two of my girlfriends have been sexually assaulted; one of them found counseling to be really helpful, the other just shared her experience with a few close friends. If you think that talking to someone about it, either a counselor or a family member or friend, I urge you to do so, talking seemed to really help both of my friends deal with their experiences. Sending good vibes your way. :)

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I don't think that date rape is generally correlated with child molestation. They're both terrible things, obviously...but I don't think one necessarily follows the other. Nor do I think the OP has any responsibility whatsoever to stop him from hurting others. That responsibility belongs to him alone.

[cbackson.livejournal.com]

Agreed; pedophilia is typically its own bag.

Quick reminder for commenters

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

OP, thanks again for trusting us enough to share your story. We hope that the comments you receive will be supportive and healing.

This is just a quick note to remind readers that VP has some guidelines (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#Things_to_Consider_when_Responding_to_Posts_about_Sexual_Assault) for responding to posts about sexual abuse or assault.

VP is fabulous because of its members. We appreciate your sensitivity and understanding when responding here. :)

If you have questions or concerns, feel free to get in touch.

mangofandango
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp

[acerzen.livejournal.com]

Something like this has happened to me. I was so embarrassed when it happened I just didn't say or do much. I had a crush on a guy and we had kissed before and slept in the same bed but nothing more. One night we went to a party and crashed at my friends house. He slept on the floor and I slept on the couch. I thought I was having a sex dream only to awake and find him having sex with me. I was embarrassed and let it continue.

I later learned this is what is called date rape. I did not let him do it, I was asleep and passed out. When you can not consent, even if you wake up, it is date rape. He touched you inappropriately without your consent. Laws are pretty explicit about being drunk (and therefor unable to consent).

I'm so sorry this happened. It can be really really confusing, and it took me a couple of years to understand what had happened (and a boyfriend to tell me what it was).

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

It is completely normal and okay for you to feel sort of outside of this experience, so to speak, or not as upset about it as you think you should be. You're shocked and confused, and you've lost a lot of trust and faith that you had in someone whom you were previously close to. That's awful, and it's sad, but above all I think it's probably completely shocking. It's normal to feel sort of frozen...so please don't feel badly about how you feel. All your feelings are okay, here - you did nothing wrong, something bad was done to you, and all the blame rests with the person who made conscious choices to hurt you that way.

What you do (or don't do) is completely up to you. You have some options, and you have time. Give yourself time, be patient, and maybe talk to someone you trust, or to a counselor, or just here if that's what works for you. You can call the toll-free RAINN hotline (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) or use their online hotline (go to rainn.org for info on both of those things) if you want to talk to someone who is trained to help you and who isn't someone you know in real life.

Above all, take care of yourself. I wish you healing from this experience and I am very sorry for what happened.

[season-changing.livejournal.com]

It was wrong, plain and simple, regardless of what you remember. If it was me, I'd confront him but I know how weird that kind of situation can be. I think it is perfectly ok for you to feel that what he did was wrong because it very clearly was. I'm sorry that happened for you. He absolutely broke your trust and crossed the line. He needs a kick to the face.

[gabrielledumb.livejournal.com]

I had a very similar thing happen to me a few years ago. I understand the confused feeling, and not knowing what to call the incident. I would like to say that it is great that you are seriously questioning it. I think that it is important to remember how you feel right now, to give your feelings credit, and don't second guess yourself.
I let things go until this year, and developed some very serious body image problems, and a touch phobia. I'm now seeking assault counseling for it.
I'm not a person to follow by example, but I think my experience can offer you some insight.
I second the suggestion to call the RAINN hotline. It could help you get things sorted out.
Good luck. Hugs to you.

[shyshutterbug.livejournal.com]

I realize others have said it, but just jumping in with my two cents...

He performed sexual acts using your body without your giving consent AND while you were incapacitated. That is the textbook definition of sexual violation.

There is not a wrong or right way to think or feel, nor is there a right thing to do. I agree with the posters above that say you're in shock - which, hell, I would be too. Your confusion is understandable.

As far as actions you could take from here? You would be well within your rights to report this individual to the authorities if you thought it prudent; ditto simply confronting him. It is also your choice to not do either of the above. (Note my use of the word "could" above, not "should" - there's nothing at all you "should" do.)

Three years ago, my closest male friend groped me without my consent, and it took me another two years, my own training as a rape crisis counselor, and working with women who've been in similar circumstances to realize that what he'd done was, in essence, a sexual assault that - thank God - didn't go all that far. I neither reported him nor confronted him - whether or not that was the right decision for everyone is something I will never know, but it was the right decision for me.

Speaking with someone may help to clarify your feelings. If professional counseling is not feasible at this time, you might consider calling the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.

I wish you all the best - please keep us posted.

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

If professional counseling is not feasible at this time, you might consider calling the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.

An awesome hotline. :) Unfortunately it's only available in the US, and I note that the OP is currently in the UK -- but the good news is that I believe the RAINN online hotline (http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline) is available to everyone.

[shyshutterbug.livejournal.com]

*headdesk* You're absolutely right, of course. So sorry. But yes, the online hotline is fabulous as well!

[notknowhow.livejournal.com]

Personally, i think that anything that's done TO you, as opposed to done WITH you (i.e while you are SLEEPING!) is totally abuse! I mean... even if it wasn't an alcohol induced slumber, you were totally unconscious to what he was doing when he initiated! he didn't even give you an opportunity to turn him down!

If you think that he may have done more (i.e intercourse, or anything like that) you might even consider going to a doctor to get checked out, because if you can't trust him not to go down your pants without your permission, then he could have harmed you in more ways then you are aware of (i.e. STIs).

Also, it might be an idea to have a close friend, or at least SOMEONE with you if you ever interact with him again, just to make sure that nothing that you don't want to happen does happen.

If you wanted to, if you felt that something needs to be DONE about his actions, you would totally have grounds to go to the police, and you would probably win if you wanted to take it to court. You have a lot of things on your side (the fact that you have no history as a 'couple', the fact that you went to bed alone and woke up with him, and the fact that you were asleep when it happened. there's no way that he could argue that it was consensual. also your lack of contact with him afterwards is very compelling to a judge)

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

(the fact that you have no history as a 'couple', the fact that you went to bed alone and woke up with him, and the fact that you were asleep when it happened. there's no way that he could argue that it was consensual. also your lack of contact with him afterwards is very compelling to a judge)

I'm not trying to be unnecessarily pessimistic, and I definitely don't want to dissuade the OP from anything she feels is best for her. But I did want to mention that even with all the factors might make a favorable result more likely, investigations and legal proceedings can be drawn-out, stressful, sometimes adversarial endeavors -- and a lot don't end "winning" result.

I know that many of the circumstances you mentioned of the OP's situation were true for my assault. Afterward, most days, it still felt like no one -- police, health care professionals, friends or former friends -- was on my side. And I know that when I ended up with "you treat those at the hospital" kinds of injuries, they decided it wasn't provable as non-consensual sex.

Like I said, I'm not trying to discourage the OP from pursuing her legal options if that's her choice. But I do feel like it's worth knowing that even under the "best" of circumstances, doing that can be a difficult and drawn out process that may or may not bring healing.

[archangelbeth]

Just another "it's okay to be numb and/or confused." I once got into a situation where I think I'd gotten my god-brother rather more hot and bothered by a below-15-year-old than I think he wanted to be. (I was soliciting a backrub in my nightgown, because I was a totally asexual little hedonist without a clue, and he was staying with us for a while.) Nothing happened in my case (except him getting really flustered and later bringing a definitely 18-or-over young woman home), but... it felt really odd. He was acting weird, and I could sort of pick up undercurrents.

For me... I have let it pass; I'm okay with my bafflement of the time, I'm okay with what happened. Your situation sounds a lot more serious. It certainly wasn't consenting behavior, or behavior that you have a history of encouraging. You may want to get counseling, as others have suggested. You may also, depending on your relationship with G, want to outright ask him what he was doing. (If you choose to do this... I'd suggest that your best chance for honesty would be via email or at some time when you can manage a really calm, non-judgmental tone. This isn't to say that you aren't allowed to be judgmental! Just that if this isn't G suddenly becoming effectively a rapist (or suddenly showing his true colors), there may be something going on in his life and head that would come out in a "safer space." However, don't neglect your own safety; if you talk to him, I'd suggest doing it over the phone or in some public place instead of alone in your room together or something.)

Anyway... It's okay if you remain puzzled, too. You may find emotional stability if you go through anger, or you may simply have a lesser reaction. Or you may have a greater one, eventually. They're your emotions, and you're allowed to feel them no matter what they wind up being.

Crossing my fingers for you!