no idea how to describe my fears/issues

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

(with no preamble) I'm absolutely horrendously paralyzingly terrified of anal sex, or of any contact with my anus. Now, normally this would not be an issue, but tonight my boyfriend and I were having sex and he accidentally slipped out of my cunt. He slid into my ass crack instead (again, by complete accident). I reacted by wriggling out from under him (I was on my stomach, with him lying on top of me) and ran to the bathroom. Cried for a fair while, while he flipped out and went outside to smoke a cigarette. He's such a sensitive guy, so he hates it when I get so freaked. Tonight was worse; I ended up obsessing in the bathroom over what I could use to hurt myself. I've rarely been this bad after such a mistake.

A little background: I'm _not_ a prude by any stretch of the imagination. I've been having sex for nearly seven years. I enjoy different positions, etc, and am into fairly heavy bondage (not blood-play level but I definitely like hardcore bruising). I'm a "recovering" (ha!) eating disordered 22 year old woman who just freaked the fuck out about...well, nothing. I hate that I freak about anal play/anything remotely in that area. I don't know why I hate it; I wish I didn't. I'm not a non-communicative person; I tell my boyfriend anything/everything in the bedroom. He knows my upset with anal play, and tries his hardest to avoid it. Tonight was an honest accident, and I just...did my thing. Ugh. *hating self right now*

I guess what I'm getting at is...advice? Does anyone else freak out like this, so I would know I'm not quite as alone/utterly fucked up as I feel? Any advice to stop freaking the fuck out, or opinions on _why_ I freak out? _Anything_? Feelin pretty shitty right now.

Comments

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

Well, first things first: you're definitely not alone. There's no fear in the world that someone else doesn't share, and with such an intimate and, yes, even nervewracking thing as anal penetration it's definitely something that could easily become a phobia.

I don't personally have a fear of anal penetration, so I can't offer any specifics from my point of view. However, what I do know is that most fears and phobias are ultimately related to a loss of control: we're generally most afraid of actions, events, things, or environments in which we feel helpless.

With that in mind, it makes total sense that anal penetration would trigger that fear for some people, and especially that it triggered so strong for you when it almost happened by accident. You'd think that being into kink would eliminate that, but as you know safe and healthy kink involves more mutually understood control on the part of the submissive than is generally admitted during the acts.

There's lots of elements involved in getting over phobias; sometimes exposure to the source of the phobia in a controlled environment works, though it can be emotionally difficult.

For instance, I have a horrible fear of power tools: on occasion, I go to my dad's workshop and get him to at first hold the tools at a distance, turned off, and then slowly move them closer. When the fear gets too much for me, he puts them away, and then we try again. Eventually, we moved up to me being able to be in the same room as the tools while they were turned on.

Today, I still have some fear, but it's not the sickening panic attacks I used to have if I accidentally wandered into the tools section of Wal-Mart. Because I was able to control my exposure to the fearful object, and learn that I could be in control of these objects, it reduced the terror.

That approach may not necessarily work for you with anal penetration, but it might be something to consider. For instance, and this is wholly dependent on your emotional tolerance, you could try setting a soothing environment and having your partner make finger contact with a buttock, gradually and gently moving closer towards your anus, and stopping him whenever the fear becomes too high. You don't necessarily need to work up to penetration at all, but it may reduce the panic you experienced recently.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

What a very good way to phrase the nature of safe and healthy kink! I've been looking for a way to express that to someone; now I have one.

And yes, that _is_ something to consider. It's so funny though (well, funny in that ironic screwed up sort of way), I don't mind my butt itself being touched. It's when it gets to the between stage that I...flip. eh heh

Thank you so much for responding. And congratulations on at least getting some control over your fears. It makes me so happy and hopeful to read that other people could get control of something that terrified them.

[fleurdiabolique.livejournal.com]

If you are interested in trying this, by the way, the term for this technique is "systematic desensitization." The wikipedia article on it is at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Systematic_desensitization (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Systematic_desensitization), and of course there's tons of information on Google if you want to look into it more.

Good luck!

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Very cool. Thanks.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, wasn't meaning to insinuate that not wanting it made me a prude. Just that I don't consider myself a prude in that I'm extremely open minded about everything to do with sex, except for this one thing. And it drives me nuts as to why. It's like "ok, I'm up for absolutely everything _except_ this". It's so unlike me, or my perception of how I am, and that's what bugs I guess.

By mistake, I just meant the slippage factor, that little "oops" with the location of the penis. :P

I am a sort of...I don't know how to phrase it. Failed self-harmer I guess. I don't cut, but sometimes want to, if that makes any sense. The eating disorder is really more my type of self harm.

A sincere thank you is in order: so, thank you. :) For taking time to respond and give such good advice.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. And thanks very much. Still. :P (I'm stubborn like that.)

[healthnpleasure.livejournal.com]

I'm again not the best person to give advice on this particular phobia, but I would advise you to realize that it's okay and you are not a freak for having a phobia. I have many very sexually liberated friends that have zero interest in anal sex or much butt contact. One of them even tried it in a controlled setting with a lot of trust, lube, communication, etc., but she just couldn't get into it, because she's not into it. That's okay! Don't feel like a piece of shit just because you have a phobia. Don't feel like a piece of shit because you don't like something, either. It's okay.

I have a phobia about driving in traffic. I don't have a driver's license, and an adult that can't drive has a lot more social stigma that someone who has a phobia about being touched on their ass. Also, from what I have heard from friends, it's a possibility that this will change for you over time. Not that you will want to have receptive penis in ass sex, but that you might be more okay with touching or stroking around your butt, if that's something that you might want to be comfortable with in the future.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Very good advice/words. Thanks very much.

[lakemi.livejournal.com]

i can't explain why or anything, but I understand how you feel. My boyfriend and I were in the same positon and the same thing happened. I didn't freak out quite so much, but I basically demanded to know what he was doing and then launched into a tirade about how "if you want to do that, ask first" and he got all defensive because he had no intention of doing anything like that, it was just a slip. Now, I don't have a phobia of it at all, and if he was interested, I would have considered it, but we'd have talked about it first. The thing I didn't get was my reaction. I mean he had obviously just slipped and yet I turned around and started berating him which is unlike me.

So yeah, I don't have any advice, but you are definitely not alone on this one!

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Good to know. Thank you. :)

[ilikerivers.livejournal.com]

I have a phobia of anal sex or someone going too near my anus during sex. Most of the partners I have had respect that, I just have a no-go area and that's fine. I didn't have a phobia until people tried to coerce me to have anal sex when it isn't something I want to try, but now my phobia is bad. I would probably get triggered like you were if someone slipped like what you describe.

You aren't alone in this phobia and it's good that you have such great communication with your partner.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

It's good to know I'm not alone in this. Many hugs, and thanks for sharing.

By the way, I have a friend who would adore your icon. It certainly made me giggle.

[ilikerivers.livejournal.com]

No worries, I am happy to share. *hugs*
I made my icon really late one night so it's really bad quality, but it expressed my feelings perfectly:)

[matchgirl42.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I had a phobia per se', but I used to have the personal boundary that my butt was an exit-only zone. Then I started watching anal porn, and reading anal erotica, and an interest in it grew. But I was scared - scared it was going to hurt, and that once my partner was in I would have no control, and that his penis might get stuck, and....

My first sexual partner, I didn't go there. Because there were a lot of trust issues between us, which would explain why sex between us only happened 3 times.

My second sexual partner, it took a while before I trusted him enough to allow him in my anus. But once I did, I found I heartily enjoyed it, and continue to do so!!! There's just no explaining it...it feels a lot different than piv sex, but still feels so...good.

I'm not sure my phobia was on level with yours, though. The worst I ever got was, "Whoa! Hey..you're getting a little close to the no-zone," and he would back off and reposition. Never to the point I jumped up and ran out of the room.... so I'm not sure this approach would work for you.

Good luck!

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

I do need to just breathe. :P And stop freaking out so much in general. Appreciate the story-sharing. Many thanks.

[cage-this.livejournal.com]

I feel you on the "ass is a no-go zone". I wouldn't consider myself a prude by any means, but anal anything is just not my bag, it weirds me out. Sometimes even doggy style bothers me because I know my boyfriend can see my ass! To me, it's just not a fun area, it isn't terribly attractive and I've never had any interest in it turning into one.

There have been occasions when my boyfriend's penis will slip out and slide up my buttcrack or something, and my whole body tenses up and I can't really enjoy the rest of the session because of the sensation it caused me. Not nearly as severe as your reaction, but it still sucks, especially when everything up until that point has been awesome.

My only advice would be to try and figure out where your lack of comfort with that area stems from. I'd also second queensugar's comment; if you're comfortable with trying to ease the phobia, I'd say go for it. But if it's too much, or too soon after the incident, just wait until you're more able to deal with it =]

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Exactly! ---> "anal anything is just not my bag"

Very good advice. Thanks much for commenting, and for relating. heh

[cage-this.livejournal.com]

No problem =]

BTW: Your icon fucking rocks lol.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

hehe Yeah, he's kinda mesmerizing, isn't he? The only pet I have, at the moment.

[subarashiine.livejournal.com]

*hugshugs* I'm sorry you feel so upset when that happens! I guess we all just have unexplainable fears.. it is okay though, and you definitely do not have to feel bad about it!! Goodness, if I felt guilty and bad everytime I was anxious, I'd just be a wreck all the time... ^_^

If you do want to get past this, however, because I know I was previously very adverse to the idea of my bum hole, take teeeeny tiiiiny baby steps. Start by exploring the area yourself while you are alone, with just a finger or two, feeling around (the outside I mean) and then eventually, if you feel comfortable enough, invite your boyfriend to join in and tell him what you've been doing :D

good luck!!

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much. *hugs back* Even if they're "only" internet hugs, they're always appreciated.

[subarashiine.livejournal.com]

^_^