sexual orientation

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I have been questioning my sexual orientation lately. I have been bisexual for many years and I am now wondering if I am queer. I don't want to use the term "lesbian" because it implies that I do not like guys, but at the moment, I really don't.



So, long story short, I am currently in my eleventh relationship with a male. I have never had a relationship with a female. I have desperately wanted one, but none that I've met have ever wanted me for more than sex. The last 3 times I've been single, I have made efforts to meet women, to no avail. I realize I'm looking in the wrong places. I have only been lesbian clubbing once, and meeting girls is more difficult than meeting boys.

The problem is, right now all I desire is women. I have little to no interest in sex with my boyfriend (he is good in bed and treats me very well). I desperately want to be with a woman somehow, but I do not want to lose my boyfriend. I am polyamorous at times. My boyfriend knows that I want to meet a woman, and he is encouraging. I am just scared that if I meet a girl, she will not be interested because I have a boyfriend... or that it will ruin my amazing relationship. I'm also scared of being rejected by women (it's happened a lot more than rejection from men).

I do not see a reason why I couldn't/shouldn't pursue casual dates or sex with a woman. But I don't know where to meet one, and I'm scared.


--there is a bit of back story too, and it is even longer--

I am in my early 20's, and I have known I'm bisexual since I was 13. As a teenager, adults told me I was "going through a phase", but if I was, I guess it's a nine-year phase! I've always liked girls about as much as I like boys.

Boys are easy to get. I walk into a room and they start hitting on me. Girls might find me attractive, but they are not as obvious as boys. I do not meet lesbians in my social circle. I meet bisexuals. There aren't any lesbians in my circle. In my current circle of friends, I am convinced that only two of the bisexual girls I've met, actually like women as much as I do.

There are bisexual girls who will fuck girls but will only date boys. There are bi girls who say they will date girls but when they try it out, they just weren't interested. There are bi girls who will have a threesome with a girl and a guy, but not fuck a girl one-on-one. There are bi girls who never meet women because they are female and supposedly, "most" of society is heterosexual, and so it's easier to meet men than to meet women. And lastly, my favorite: there are "bi" girls who will only fuck girls when they are intoxicated.

I am the kind of girl who goes clubbing, but does not go home with the people she meets clubbing. My last two boyfriends have been people I met through a mutual friend. I feel that meeting someone through a mutual friend, they come with an implicit letter of recommendation. I have met boys over the internet before. I am not above Internet dating; but it is not the ideal way to meet people unless you have tried other venues, in my opinion.

Comments

[missjecka.livejournal.com]

This will probably be deleted because it doesn't follow the community guidelines (it's not really about vulvas or women's health) but I recommend finding other LJ communities about sexuality. There are a ton out there so you can find many, many people in the same or a similar situation as you.

Good luck!

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the info, but I checked the FAQ after this comment, and it seems applicable to the general topic of "women's sexual health". Sexual orientation fits under the category of sexual health.

[missjecka.livejournal.com]

Ah, okay. Still, good luck with everything!

Just so you know, about half of my friends are of a multitude of sexual orientations from asexuality to pansexuality and everything in between.

Honestly, it seems like you may be polysexual, if you really want to put a label to it. Honestly, just be and do what makes you happy.

[procraftinator.livejournal.com]

Oh man, what sucky bisexuals you must have come across. That's not how I see bisexuals at all. Except for maybe the next to last. I am, uh, something somewhere inbetween. 95% for girls, 5% for guys, have had two relationships, one of each gender. No advice, just some... well... love for the bisexuals out there who don't fit any of the groups you describe.

[skyladagaz.livejournal.com]

<3

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I really, truly have come across a lot of sucky "bisexuals". I don't think half of them were even bisexual... just curious, or experimenting, or drunk.

[rearrangedfaith.livejournal.com]

yeah. the majority of the 'bisexuals' i've come across are listed under the sucky category.

and most of them were the 'i'm bisexual, to get attention from a guy or people in general, but i'll never ever even kiss another girl' types.

:/ they give real bisexuals a bad name.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Try sextips.

[skyladagaz.livejournal.com]

try joining lez_sex_tips they might be able to give you some advice.

& I agree with procraftinator I don't fit into any bisexual groups you just described. I am bisexual and open to dating/marrying/having a relationship or whatever with either a guy OR girl. I personally have only had a long-term (about 3 years) relationship with a girl. & I have only been sexually active with this same girl. But I consider myself bi, I still think about sex with guys too, & wouldn't be against doing so.

can't help who you fall in love with =]

Friendly Maintainer Request

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Hi there. Could you please edit your post to include a descriptive subject line? This will help other members use your post as a resource in the future. For more information on what we mean, take a look at this part (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#Have_I_typed_out_a_descriptive_subject_header_and.2For_LJ-cut_text_that_lets_readers_know_what_my_post_is_about.3F) of our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ).

Thanks! :)

--Bob
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
contact_vp

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'd recommend asking in lesbian If you can take not-so-fluffy advice, and can put up with bluntness, then suckitupdyke is fabulous.

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like the reason you don't want to lose your boyfriend is because you have a good relationship emotionally which makes you feel safe. However. If you don't want to work on putting the spark back into your sex life and fixing that part of your relationship with your boyfriend then looking for an extra person to fill that gap doesn't sound like a good route for me. It sounds as though you are hoping to meet someone new for a relationship, but wanting an overlap period to make you feel safe. I can totally understand how you might feel that way. If I'm reading it wrong, I apologise - but I've seen a few girls deal with things this way. I'm not sure whether the solution is that you need a woman to have a relationship with or not. If it is, the best way is to make that leap of faith and end the relationship with your boyfriend. Because it's possible to meet women for threesomes, but to have a successful poly relationship is rarer and if there are problems in your relationship right now, it will only magnify them. You are also likely to run into a lot of women who are looking for that kind of sex rather than a relationship (the women you described, perhaps). Meeting women certainly is hard. You have to be able to put yourself out there, make the first move, take your chances, and be able to keep trying. If you do want to seek the poly route, try joining local groups interested in that and make friends first. Good luck with whatever you choose.

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

It seems as if you are saying that if a person is poly and has two lovers, one or more of the relationships is likely to fail and/or it is selfish to have two lovers. Let me know if I am getting the wrong impression from your comment.

I realize having two lovers can be complicated emotionally, but I know I can handle it, and my boyfriend can handle me having one, so it is just a matter of me meeting a woman who is okay with us being poly.

It seems from my post that things are wrong with my relationship. I am happier with him than I have been with my previous 10 boyfriends - any of them! But it's true that the spark in our sex life has diminished... I would like to work on that in addition to pursuing women, because I feel that part of my sexuality is unfulfilled.

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

"It seems as if you are saying that if a person is poly and has two lovers, one or more of the relationships is likely to fail and/or it is selfish to have two lovers. Let me know if I am getting the wrong impression from your comment."

No, that's not what I meant. I think that if someone has a secure relationship already where all the problems have been addressed, a poly relationship will work better than one where they haven't. Because relationships are complicated, and the more people you add in the more complicated it gets, so it's as well to ensure you are in the right place before you begin. I don't believe it's selfish to have two lovers unless you are using one as a safe way to leave the other (as many people do, intentionally or not) and I thought it was a possibility that you might want to consider is somewhere in your head, considering the problems that you mentioned in your relationship.

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I have a secure relationship where problems have been addressed. We haven't had a major conflict, we communicate very well with minor things, and I fully intend for him to stay my primary partner. I just would also like to meet a girl :-)

[stufey.livejournal.com]

where you from? hah. sorry.
I am a married bi-sexual women. if you have IM I'd be happy to speak with you about anything you wish to discuss! I think I may have some insight.

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I am from Maryland, near DC. Can I email you my screenname? Don't like to post it publicly.

[stufey.livejournal.com]

well certainly I'd like to chat with you.. maybe we need to start another community for Bi-sexual women. Like the Real ones, not the fake ones. I think you can view my e-mail addy from my profile. if not my AIM SN is StephyButterfly1

[elbowproblem.livejournal.com]

can i add you? sounds like we have a lot in common...

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Seconded. I feel like I'm reading my experience.

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

Yeah I'd love for you to add me, and to talk sometime!

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I'd love for you too, and to talk more with people who've felt this way.

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

Oh god, the worst is the attention whores. Like... "I'll make out with you if it's in front of my boyfriend, because it turns HIM on, but for me it's just an act!"
And what really disgusts me is, if the girl is cute, often I will kiss her anyways :-\

[archangelbeth]

Sounds, to me, like you have two closely-related issues. 1: meeting a nice girl, and 2: polyamory.

Now, I'm not going to make any judgments about polyamory. Being mostly monogamous by nature, I don't understand the mindset very well. On the other hand, I know people who seem to make it work. If you intend to keep the one you've got and want to add someone else to the group, you might want to work on the polyamory end of things first. I dug around and found http://www.livejournal.com/interests.bml?int=polyamory -- VP is one of 'em! But so are the next three on the list. I haven't visited them, so I don't know which are good, but you could probably drop in and check them out. (If there's a community for the poly folks in or near your city, such as Boston and Austin apparently have, then you might be in double-luck. Triple-luck if you find someone in the area who's interested in dating!) I do gather that being poly is a lot of work; the rewards are worth it for those who are strongly polyamorous, but it takes juggling time and attention very carefully so that people don't get hurt -- and in your case, that includes your current boyfriend, even if you're not attracted to him sexually right now. It may be worth it to research how other people have their coping strategies, and involve him intensely in the discussion of how you want to try things, even before you find a girl you're interested in.

As for places to meet people... I learned about polyamory from various people and panels at Boston science fiction conventions. If you like that genre of books, or certain television shows, you might want to see what's around. (If not? Ah, well. Don't go if you wouldn't be curious about the rest of the con.)

Good luck!

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I know a bit about polyamory already :-) It's just a matter of going to lesbian clubs, swingers clubs, and maybe other venues where I might meet poly lesbians.

[archangelbeth]

Hee! Sorry for the over-dose of data, then. At least it's there if for anyone who might not have seen it? *wry grin*

[scien.livejournal.com]

suckitupdyke and polyamory will probably have some fabulous advice for you, but I'll give it a go too.

What are you looking for from a relationship? a properly serious dating relationship? if so, you have all the problems poly folk face when looking for a second partner (most people are more interested in being monogamous) in addition to the problems bisexuals face (there are fewer women-who-like-women out there than there are men-who-like-women, and surprisingly many aren't happy to date women who identify as bisexual for fear of ending with one of the sucky types you describe).

The up side of this is that the queer community is often very poly friendly - and vice versa, the poly community often seems to have more bi women than straight ones. So there should theoretically be some overlap between the two groups, although I can't make any promises as the local flavour makes all the difference sometimes. I'd suggest finding your local organisations, both LGBTQ and poly - hopefully you'll find somewhere you feel at home, meet more lesbians, meet less sucky bisexuals, perhaps end up dating some of them (or more likely their friends/partners, that's how it usually seems to work) and at very least getting lots of new friends who understand your situation better than the average person on the street.

Another thing is to make sure that you're not just using your boyfriend to make you feel safe while you find the courage and means to go after what you really want from life. It's really important to make sure your relationship with him is solid and satisfying before you go adding new people to the mix. I guess only time will tell, but I hope he too has or makes a decent support network in case this goes belly up.

Good luck!

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend is one of my best friends, and we have a wonderful companionate love. But I am not just using him to feel safe. It's the best relationship I've had so far; we get along fabulously and communicate if anything arises. 6 months, and no major fights yet!

But he wants me to be happy, and if that means I take a female lover, he is willing to see if that works or if he wants it to just be an isolated event. He thinks I'm worth giving it a try for. We're "monogamous with permissions" and he has dealt well with giving permissions to a couple of people before. He is secure with himself so that jealousy is not an issue for him.

I'm gonna get involved with the local social networks for lgbtq. It seems like a great way to meet interesting people as well as women!

[scien.livejournal.com]

Right, but you're not sexually attracted to him. That might get better when you have another sexual relationship (just being sexual more often tends to make you want more sex) but it might not if you're primarily sexually interested in women. That could lead to some serious tensions.

No need to cross that bridge until you get to it but it's something that's worth bearing in mind, and working towards fixing if possible.

Does he have permission for outside relationships too?

Good luck, I hope the local gatherings near you are fun! :)

[in-a-safety-net.livejournal.com]

I feel that it's that I am not attracted to my boyfriend at the time. It is a phase. I do not feel a "spark" but I do love him, and I know that the spark will be there again. We're hitting the 6 month mark but we still have a great relationship, we just need to make sex more interesting.

As it stands, we give out permissions on a case-by-case basis for the other person to branch out. Oral sex is the most we'd permit, and we discuss everything well beforehand. Yes, he has permission for hookups, but not for relationships.

We're not sure yet if I have permission for a female lover (as in, not a one-time thing) or not. Basically he's said we'll figure out if I find a girl, and he'd like to meet her, too.