Periods and sick days...Opinions?

[ratatusk.livejournal.com]

I have a little bit of a story to tell, and then would like opinions from the questions at the end of it.

Awhile ago, I had a manager who didn't particularly like me. I don't know if that factored into what happened, but it sure didn't make me like her anymore. I worked Saturday morning, and I called in sick because I was having extreme period pain. I got a hold of the manager who didn't like me (let's call her M) and told her I was having very bad menstrual pain. She gets snippy, with a nasty tone in her voice and tells me to take some advil and call back in two hours to see if it's any better. So I call back in two hours and tell her I'm not feeling any better. She says, again in a snippy tone, (and this line is what this whole story is about), "I get bad cramps too, but I take some advil and I still manage to make it into work." And then she blathered on about how I was giving her attitude and that I was needed at work right away. (For the record, she thought everyone who didn't agree with her was giving her attitude.)

What she said really bothered me. I didn't realize until a couple days later, too late to defend myself (I did have a pissed off tone in my voice when I was talking to her and therefore got a talking to) what it was about that statement that bothered me so much. It was the way she assumed that I was exactly like her. What if I had endometriosis? (which I found out might be a possibility with me). What if I had an IUD that gave me incredibly painful periods? What if what if what if. Women are so different in their bodies it shocked me to think that she would assume I'm exactly like her. It also really, really pissed me off.

So these are the questions I have. I've been toying with the idea for awhile of contacting M and explaining to her why I was so upset. I really don't want another woman to be ordered to come into work when, for her, that's totally impossible. Is contacting her a reasonable thing to do? Do you think it would be productive?

If a situation like that arose in your life, how would you deal with it?

Comments

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

Education is one way of dealing with it, some people assume that what you're experiencing is no worse than what they get and that you're being a fusspot. A doctor's note may be necessary, and I agree that if your periods are painful enough that you need to take time off work, you should see a doctor about them.

I've got an invisible illness, CFIDS/ME. It's extremely debilitating, I'm unable to work or study, mostly housebound, sometimes bedbound. However, it's not hugely well-known and there are lots of myths about it. The symptom it's most famous for is fatigue, although that's just the tip of the iceberg. Trying to explain to people what the fatigue is like is a nightmare, they just don't get it at all and think you're just a bit tired when you may in fact be unable to turn over in bed. I recently had a frustrating conversation with a doctor who was suggesting that I rub a medicated cream all over my body, and wouldn't believe me when I tried to explain that I was unable to remove my clothing, let alone rub something all over me, let alone several times a day. I'm always getting people saying things like, "Well I get tired as well but I still manage to hold down a job," or people who ask what the main symptoms are, I list them, and they decide that actually they must have this illness too as they also have problems with fatigue, pain, muscle weakness, joint problems, memory problems, concentration problems and so forth. (Er, not with the job they're doing, they won't.)

People usually describe pain indirectly, using metaphor. When someone says, "My feet are killing me," it's incredibly unlikely that they are actually about to die, and so it's very difficult to know just how much pain they are in. Pain scales can be very useful for this, google them and you'll find examples. Explaining in direct language how severe the pain is and how it's affecting you is probably your best bet, for instance if you're unable to stand up because of pain or if it's so severe that you're blacking out. If you're being investigated by the doctor because of the pain, then for heaven's sake say that, and if it's suspected endo or anything else that will be taken seriously, definitely mention that.

It depends very much on what this woman's like (though she sounds like a bolshy cow), but contacting her might work, it does for some. She sounds like the sort where you need to grovel a bit even when she's actually the one in the wrong. If that's the case, I'd say something like, "I'm sorry that I didn't explain this properly the other day, and I may have given the impression that I was experiencing normal menstrual cramps. They're actually much more serious than that, they're so severe that I can't stand up [or whatever] due to the pain, which also makes me throw up [or whatever], and painkillers unfortunately don't make any difference. My doctor's concerned about them and is currently investigating what might be causing them, she thinks it could be endometriosis. I can't think too well when I'm in that much pain, otherwise I'd have told you all this at the time." That might work, some people would get all gracious and be nice to you afterwards. On the other hand, there are some workplaces where they're vile to anyone who's ill no matter how legitimate it is, in which case I'd tread a lot more carefully, especially if they take this to mean that you're about to demand a lot of sick leave.

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, when I'm explaining PMS to people and getting the "oh, all women feel a bit wobbly before their period" response, I usually scotch that by saying firmly, "I get suicidal." That makes them realise the scale I'm talking about.

[ratatusk.livejournal.com]

Yeesh. That's terrible! If you have something that interferes with everyday life to that extent and nobody understands, there should be a device to give them the condition for a day!

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

HELL yes. Perhaps a day for people who make single comments, and a week for people who do it repeatedly or are interfering in your life. Parents, doctors, teachers, employers, welfare benefits people, for instance, and that bitch of an Occupational Therapist who decided that I was putting it on because she couldn't *see* anything wrong with me and screwed up my social care package as a result (I've been waiting for five months to get someone in to help me do various unnecessary things like cooking and bathing) gets a month minimum.

er, and I can stop grouching now. Especially since I have a jar of delicious tofu ravioli and it includes 20% extra free.