(no subject)

[mikava.livejournal.com]

this guy that i know and have hung out with before was arrested the other day for sexual assault of a minor. she was 13, i think he's 16. he got her drunk first, too. it's widely known between me and some of my friends that he has sex with tons of girls that consider themselves to be his gf. he normally targeted unintelligent or young girls and had sex with them. most, if not all, had given their consent so basically he just took advantage of girls, never full-blown rape. i don't know what to think anymore because, although i never cared for him due to his womanizing (for lack of a better word), my bf was friends with him. he never liked how he treated girls, but he was still friends with him since he was there through some tough times.
i need some help on what to do. i haven't talked to my bf since i found out, but if he's upset about this, i don't know how to react since i think the guy got what was coming to him.
can anyone give me advice on this?

Comments

[iwillfearnoevil.livejournal.com]

So, sometime this summer I was walking into Harry's in a Hurry (a local grocery store) and I chanced to see a couple of people leaning into a car window. It was a black couple, asking a rather flustered white woman where the nearest hotel was.

I'm a bit of an absentminded person and I didn't stop to take in details all
the way before I remarked that there was an inn right around the corner, about
two blocks up. I guess I just assumed that they were not local, strangers in
town and that their race and somewhat shabby clothing were flustering the
woman. I probably felt a stab of pride at helping, being knowledgeable enough
about the area to give directions, that sort of thing.

But then they turned around towards me and I noticed how very young the girl
was, probably about 13 and not more than 15 although she was very
well-developed. I noticed how she was squiggling and squirming with that
special excitement that only a teenage girl about to do something her mother
wouldn't like (with no thoughts as yet of WHY she wouldn't like it) can have.

She was very take charge about the whole business, really, coming forward
eagerly to question me further on directions. She was also letting the man -
who was 50 or 60ish and none too clean - rub her ass in a way that I would have
found disgusting even if she'd been 30. On a 14 yr old I was upset beyond the
ability to react.

"Hey," I said, "What are you two - what are you planning, I mean, what do you
need...."

It's not a situation that they train you for in Alabama suburban environments.
I faltered, and the old guy gave me a huge toothless leer and a wink.

"It's all good, Baby." And then they were gone, the girl practically pulling
him away towards the inn. And I was standing there, looking I'm sure like some
sort of mildly demented schoolteacher in my typical summer frumpery, standing
in the parking lot clutching her vegetables and talking to herself.

This situation, this little slice of someone else's drama, has haunted me. It's
come back tonight because I saw the man - or someone who looked very much like
him - walking down Ponce on my way to Mary Mac's.

What could I have done? What was right to do? Was the girl getting started
whoring? Or just horny? Did the old guy have drugs? That he expected sex was
obvious, and the girl seemed eager enough. Should I have called a cop? Grabbed
the girl and tried to force her into my own car?

My boyfriend says that doing nothing was the right thing and I shoudl quit worrying
about it. People usually are what they are because it suits them, he says.

Not sure that I agree. I'm forced to remember how when I was 12, one of the 18
yr old lifeguards at the pool used to pull me aside at swim meets and touch my
breasts. I had NO IDEA what was going on....being rather sheltered and
self-absorbed, I assumed that maybe this was what boyfriends and girlfriends
did. I didn't quite GET the rules, and it was trouble.

Probably the boy figured that because I didn't protest I didn't mind or even
liked it - tho in truth I was scared stiff but didn't even know if it was
socially acceptable to say no. That is not implied or informed consent....you
have to know what you're getting into for that. If someone doesn't know, it's
rape. And you can't make a reasonable assumption of consent on a 14 yr old
girl, even if she does seem to like it when you rub her ass.

I don't care what any liberal ethic says: it is NEVER OK for a kid to peddle
their ass for crack or love or from fear or confusion. And 14,15,16 is a kid,
no matter how precocious.

All the other lifeguards knew, and a lot of them thought it was really sick,
but no one said anything to the managers or my parents or to me...they just
assumed, possibly because a c-cup dosen't look in place on a 12 yr old, that I
knew and understood. because they didn't step in and because I was too confused
and frightened, I had a really rough time with the whole mess.

part II

[iwillfearnoevil.livejournal.com]

I also wonder if I gave the same sort of signals at that age. My grandmother
always told me that if you feel socially uncomfortable, smile big and exit as
soon as you can. I remember doing that, stretching my face and laughing, while
thinking frantically how I could escape, go home, take a shower, never go back
to the pool which was central in my then swimming-based existence. Maybe I gave
the impression of consent, just like that girl did, though not obviously as
extreme.

I've always thought that I'd jump in immediately if I ever had a chance to stop
that sort of thing for someone else, but now I know better.

I don't know, and can't tell and it's water gone under now. But I do know that
when I have a daughter there won't be any encouragement of ladylike pretension
- something that those of you who know me can attest I don't spend much time on
anymore. I was never any good at it anyway.

This sort of thing happens all the time, in the nicest places, not just in
inner city grocery story parking lots. I worked at a daycare with a boy who
later killed his parents with a sledgehammer and decapitated his 6 yr old
brother with a steak knife. But the kids were safer from him than they were
from a certain guy who, at 30, was still going to skating rinks to pick up 14
yr olds.

I was lifeguarding at the country club and my friend Brandon got fired for
decking the guy when he remarked (with all seriousness) of an 8 yr old "she'll
be pretty hot in 3 or four years."

The guy who made the crack found another lifeguarding job at the Y where I also
worked, and got a 13 year old girl pregnant two years later. But what was our
boss going to do about it? This was a man who paid the female lifeguards to
strip for him. (No, I never took him up on his offers; I'd learned a little
more by then. But I didn't blow a whistle either, so maybe I didn't learn much.
At least the guards were all 18 or older.)

There's a reason that these guys go into the profession of soccer coach or
professional lifeguard or daycare worker. A sick fucking reason that has a lot
to do with seeing little girls half naked.

And it's important to remember that this is NEVER OK, no matter how many shades of grey we come across. This is NEVER OK. And everyone who is reluctant to condemn someone for it is almost as much a part of the problem. That's my bottom line now, and I hope that if (when is more likely since I work with kids) I come across something like that again, I'll stick to it no matter what.

Re: part II

[alitaorg.livejournal.com]

aaaaaamen.

i have never, ever regretted telling someone, "this is wrong and you know it." however, i've regretted many times when i didn't say anything.

politeness is a very dangerous thing, especially now when there is no real chivalry for ladylike politeness to depend on.

[fairydancer.livejournal.com]

i wholeheartedly agree with what iwillfearnoevil and puliqueen have said. but in response to your query about what to tell your bf, mikava, i just wanted to say that you should tell him the truth. it's important to be compassionate, because it probably is disturbing that a friend of his was caught sexually assaulting/raping younger girls, but you need to tell your bf how you feel. even if how you feel is confused, that's fine, but tell him that, and tell him WHY. if you're in a relationship with him you owe him that much.

btw, i also want to repeat one thing iwillfearnoevil said: if the girl/woman/person is unable to consent, for any reason, because they're drunk, or don't know/understand what's going on, etc., it IS rape. this is something too little people understand.