Coming to terms with my sexuality.

[oublei.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I have any one specific question. I think I'm just looking for "guidance" more than anything.

I see myself as an extremely sexual person. From nine or ten I was very familiar with my genitalia and masturbated on a regular basis. I never saw how anyone could see the act as dirty or disgusting. I met my current boyfriend when I was fifteen. We both shared the earlier sentiment and had our first everythings together (kiss, grope, sex, etc.) extremely early on in the relationship. Two and a half years later we're still together and we still are very sexual.

My conflict is that I have never been able to "ask" for anything while he's never had a problem with it. If I am in the mood and want to have sex, I simply can't say anything and I have no idea why. I'm at the point now where I'll try to turn him on instead of actually saying or asking for anything. This has become a major barrier in my sex life since I simply have difficulties communicating that I AM turned on and I WILL EXPLODE IF NOTHING HAPPENS. Since getting on the pill, both my libido and depression have increased significantly which has complicated things.

Because of the fact that I cannot communicate that I want to have sex, I've become ashamed of my libido. It's a mindset where I feel stupid for not being able to say that I'd like some intimate attention and I feel selfish when I do get myself to the point to where I would be able to ask. This only encourages me to continue staying quiet about my needs.

I think that maybe I'm just not comfortable enough with my sexuality anymore. Does this make any sense? How could I go about improving the situation? Any suggestions would be extremely appreciated. I'm absolutely losing my mind over this.

Thanks!

Comments

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I'd just try to build up the courage. There is no reason to be shy about it and chances are your boyfriend feels the same way you do. I have the opposite problem. My boyfriend has NEVER asked to have sex with me XD.

[parodie.livejournal.com]

Hm, this is an interesting question. I don't know that I have any useful advice, but ... have you talked to your boyfriend about this? That would be the first step, I think. You could even read him this post (or send him the link if you can't bring yourself to discuss it with him) so that he realises you're worried about this. Maybe you could come up with some sort of "code" that says "I'm in the mood!" - could be an action (Um, putting a special blanket on the bed; opening a window - anything that you could do and that you would both agree on) or a sentence (from cheesy to just bizarre - "I'm thinking about pink elephants").

On a more theoretical level, it sounds like you're struggling with the double standard we enjoy of women being equated with sex (c.f. "sex sells" = naked women) yet expected to be pure and wholesome. Ones sexuality tends to be in flux, that's normal. Just explore your feelings, maybe with someone you feel safe around (your boyfriend? a good friend? a therapist?) - has anything changed, what do you fear exactly, is there something that would make you feel more comfortable, etc.

Hope this helps.

[-birkenstock.livejournal.com]

I agree with parodie, try using a code word to let him know you're in the mood.

My boyfriend and I are really sexually open with each other, but whenever we're in a public place and feeling the need to... you know we say "Hows the weather in Seattle?" because I once told him I was wet like Seattle. I don't know if Seattle is even all that rainy, when I was there it was blue skies the entire visit. Thats just what we say, so thats a suggestion?

[solestria.livejournal.com]

First of all, you mentioned that you've been more depressed since being on the pill. You might want to try switching pills or birth control methods, since that can't be healthy or fun.

Have you discussed this problem with your BF? Show him this post if you have to, but definitely open up communication on the issue. Even just talking about the issue might help you feel more comfortable about initiating sexual contact. He may be getting tired of always initiating, as well; you won't know until you talk to him about it. Good luck.

[wingles.livejournal.com]

Um, maybe think of it as dirty talk, instead of an expression of your needs. If you have a stronger sex drive than him, you might feel needy/demanding/whatever asking for things you want, and sometimes it's extremely awkward to talk about sex, even in a close relationship. Once you have made the request, and seen his very probably positive reaction (yay she wants me! I don't have to initiate sex all the time!), the treshold to do it again is lowered considerably.
You get the words out once and it might open up the converstation on the subject between the two of you.

My darling tells me I have a 'let's do the nasty' -grin, which tells him I'm in the mood. Heh.

Glad to hear the bc pills didn't kill your libido, I've heard that happen to a lot of people.
But you should definitely seek help with the depression. You might be able to cope with it for now, but a stressful situation can trigger all sorts of hell. Getting therapy might take care of it efficiently and quickly, but if you wait for a long time or wait for it get worse, it's going to be harder. Nip it at the bud.

[nirbhao.livejournal.com]

do you only struggle with the verbal communication? can you still act on your feelings?

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

Like the comment below this, I have no problem groping, grabbing, etc. Most of the time he just looks at me with a goofy grin on his face and doesn't get the idea I guess. I can also, assuming that I can get him to the point of making out with me, tell him to fuck me, but most of the time he thinks it's some game and will want to do something else (like anal sex--huge turn-off for me). It's frustrating and it seems like I'm doing something wrong. :(

I try talking to him about this frequently and it's either, "I'm sorry I'm a terrible boyfriend" or, "YOU SHOULD ASK MORE!"

[nirbhao.livejournal.com]

gah. that is frustrating

[robynchick.livejournal.com]

Try doing things without saying them first. Place his hand where you want it, move things how you want them to move, initiate sexual encounters by touch (e.g., unzipping your partners pants)?