Update for those who were Curious

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

To those who were curious as to how my weekend came about:

I was the one who asked questions about a 3 some with my S.O. and the lead singer of his band....well...here's what happened:

Not only did my S.O. and the lead singer want to hook up with me, but so did everyone else. *shrugs* My S.O. was not appreciative of that, and kept interrupting my other conversations, so, needless to say, a 3 some did NOT happen. I didn't really care either way, but felt out for how my S.O. was feeling, and he got uncomfortable when the lead singer and I walked off to have a conversation.

I still got booty though! *lol* YAY ME!!!!! Just wasn't the 3 some, and honestly, this was A LOT more meaningful to me.

P.S. It wasn't fuckfest 2005 like I was promised, but it was the company that made it all worth while.

Comments

[jupiter--crash.livejournal.com]

im glad you had a good time after all!:)

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

It wasn't all that I expected, I expected to have a MUCH better time, but seeing him...that's all I needed.

Now I have to deal with these new-found emotions that somehow popped up during my visit :o(

[jupiter--crash.livejournal.com]

is it hard for you guys to be 'committed' cause he is in a band?

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to want to commit to him because he was with his x girlfriend when he and I started to have our "friends with benefits" relationship, he cheated on her, and to me, that tells me he'll cheat on me if we were committed. It's also hard because, yes, he's in a band, and MOST (I'm not saying all) guys in bands get carried away with being a "rockstar".

But mostly, I just have a hard time coming to grips with how I really feel about him, and he has no clue. He knows I love him like a friend and I love having sex with him, but he doesn't know how much my feelings have changed and how I feel about him deep down in my heart. It's difficult because it's a different situation than I am normally used to, and I don't tell him how I feel because I don't want to ruin what we already have....

But after seeing him again, and spending this time together, I miss him so much already, I know a lot of my depression is coming from taking Adderol to stay up late like a "rockstar" with him, but my heart gets overflowing with joy when I see him or spend time with him. He's got me where it counts, by the heart. There's this song by Staind that totally makes me think of him called "Right Here Waiting", it's SOOOOO beautiful and it's me and him. My S.O. knows EXACTLY what to say and what to do to keep me right here waiting for him. "If you chose to walk away...I'd still be right here waiting" <-- part of the chorus----> and since Joey (My S.O.) did walk away (not technically, he moved away) I'm still right here waiting.

No one else compares to him, and I have no desire to go out and hook up when I'm not around him, and I'm just wondering if and when he'll realize that I'm just sitting (well not just sitting and waiting, but whatever) here waiting for him, I wonder if he'll ever realize how much I am there for him and stop wasting his time getting into committed relationships with girls that won't let him be himself, girls that keep trying to change him and go through everything of his to PROVE that he's seeing someone else, he gets in unhealthy committed relationships, while the whole time, I'm here, accepting of him the way he is, not wanting to change anything and absolutely adoring everything that makes him who he is...it's frustrating...

[jupiter--crash.livejournal.com]

wow, first of all thanks for sharing all that with me.

all i can say, and i know you have heard this before YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM. i know you dont want to ruin what you have...but who knows!? maybe he does feel the same way...maybe he is worried too.

just because he cheated on his ex with doesnt mean he will cheat on you. i understand your point though. my bf left his gf for me, and we have been together for almost two years *knock on wood it stays this way*

at first i was so scared..and it took me a long time for me to finally come to terms with the fact that he loves me/wont cheat on me. well, one can only hope things stay as great as they are.

i know there are guys out there that would cheat*trust me, 98 percent of the losers ive been with have cheated on me*
but there are also others that wont, or that wont do it once they find their special person-maybe one day you guys will be each others:)

really though, is there any way*if you havent already* that you can tell him what you told me?

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

He has no access to the internet for probably a few months so I can't e-mail him. I choke on my words when it comes to talking about how I feel about people....so I can't TELL him, I write songs, and write poetry. I'm a singer, I don't know how to tell people how I feel, I know how to make what I feel into music and hope he gets the message.

I've never had SUCH a difficult time trying to figure out how to tell someone or even IF I should tell him how I feel.

When we first started hooking up, the thing was that neither one of us was ready, and when I started to act like I was getting "too close", he would have a discussion with me about what we "really" are, then sometimes the roles would be switched. It's really confusing and I wish I could just go out to Louisiana and knock on his door and go "You are moving back to Texas with ME!" and have it happen...but I don't want to take risks like that with him, I don't want to risk losing him, he's one of THE most important people to have ever entered my life, and I just don't know how he would take me saying something so deep as that. He's a drummer, he's simple, all he wants to do is play the drums.

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

And I'm not exactly sure as to why I poured all of that onto you, maybe I needed a complete outside view, because all my friend's try to tell me what they THINK, and I want to hear it from someone else, maybe?

Either way, I really appreicate you talking with me.

[jupiter--crash.livejournal.com]

well i guess its better to play it safe than sorry. sometimes risks are worth taking...but if there is a possible chance of more damage than good...id say take it day by day (gosh that must be so hard).

no problem, i really like having conversations with people i dont really know/just met-it is great to get an outsiders point of view....cause they dont know us, they just know the situation and their level of bias is far more lower than those that are our friends.

i dont mind, if you ever need to talk/vent/whatever let me know:)

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

I'm a big risk taker but not when it involves "possibly" ruining something that's already good, and I do take it day by day, which KILLS ME!!!!! It's all I can do is take it one day at a time, and it's one of the hardest things I've had to do, but it's also teaching me a lot in "patience" and all that hooplah.

I am going to add you to my friend's list...NOW! :op

[jupiter--crash.livejournal.com]

i hate taking things one day at a time..but im also not a big risk taker so in the end it all works out heh.

ill add you back:) im warning you my entries lack entertainment hah:P

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

Eh, no biggie, I'll make entertaining posts for you to read *lol*

I don't like taking things day by day, I wind up overanalyzing shit that way and that's even worse than jumping ahead of myself and ruining something good....maybe...*lol*

[mandapants74.livejournal.com]

i think you should tell him how you feel...entirely. The feelings as well as the fear he won't be able to commit. That you think you still want to be fwb for now but that it's possible you may want more in the future...


But I totally understand your fear. It took me 5 years to commit to Kevin...I was terrified the whole time but then realized....
It's forever either way for us. Forever loving each other and being happy or forever without him...I'm more afraid of without him than being tied down.

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to tell him...entirely. I can't just sit him down and go "Joey...I don't understand my own feelings for you, but they're stronger than what I led you to believe"...I can't do that. I'll freeze up and feel like a an idiot and probably cry...

Wish there was something I could do to make HIM come to ME!

[mypoorfriendme.livejournal.com]

After reading all your comments... Wow. I'm glad things went well, first of all.

Secondly, that's what happened with my fwb. I realized after 3 years of being his friend and going back and forth on our sexual relationship that I was just crazy about him. I tried to ignore those feelings because I got the same feeling from him as you get from yours- you aren't sure if there could be commitment and whatnot. I finally realized he felt the same way about me as I felt about him, we were both just too scared to say anything because we didn't want to risk losing what we already had. Now we have something better. Sometimes you just don't know until you just stop second-guessing yourself and let the other person know how you feel, regardless of what may happen after.

I had it easy though, because I initially let him know I was interested in something more in a email, and I wrote him a letter explaining the actual feelings. I'm like you- I can't talk about it, I choke when I start to try and talk about what I feel (even now). Write him a letter, maybe? You write songs- you know how to get your feelings out that way. Maybe that's your best bet.

On a side-note, I love your posts here.

[red-rogue.livejournal.com]

Awww, well, there's more to this story.

I'm going to add you to my friend's list and make a post for you, considering you've been in a similar situation, let's see if it's THIS similar... deal? Check for it in like 10-15 minutes.

I'll respond to everything in this comment there.

and to respond to your side note, I'm glad you love my posts, I try to make them enjoyable to read, not a pain in the ass *lol*