Slippery consent issues with boyfriend.

[relight-it.livejournal.com]

I have been turning the contents of this post over and over in my mind for a couple of months, and finally decided to just post it.

Outside of the bedroom, my partner is a perfect gentleman: charming, brilliant, funny, thoughtful, affectionate. We share great chemistry and the same sense of humor, and love each other's company. I am very happy to be with him.

But I do have a concern or else I wouldn't be here. It has to do with consent.

We've been involved for just over a year. He's older than me (27 to my 23; we're both grad students) and much more sexually experienced than I am (I would estimated 20 partners for him over 10 years of being sexually active, and I've had four partners over four years), and for the most part, our sex life has been really great and fun. That's important to point out: honestly almost always great and great fun for both of us. But there have been 7-8 incidents over the past few months where he won't take "no" for an answer. We rely on condoms and the fertility awareness method to avoid pregnancy; when I'm outside my fertile window, we skip the condoms since we've both tested STD-free.

There are always a few days each month on either side of my fertile window where it's probably safe to have unprotected sex but I have a lot of anxiety about pregnancy (and he's fully aware of this) where I insist we use condoms for my peace of mind. On some of these days, when I feel we should use a condom and say so, clearly and firmly if sympathetically, he has laid on top of me and pushed and pushed the head of his penis against my vagina (I'm not wet to receive him, obviously, since I am uncomfortable and don't want to have sex without a condom) and eventually pushed inside, despite my insisting on using a condom, and then he will thrust a few times, up to a minute or two, clearly relishing it, before he relents and puts on a condom. He's much bigger than I am, but I could push him off if I used all of my strength and wasn't worried about hurting him, but I shouldn't have to when I've been clear... additionally, after the fact, I've told him clearly that he put his pleasure over my peace of mind. I don't really remember his responses to these comments, but it was something along the lines of "I care about you and I don't want you to be upset, so talk to me..." Well, I was talking to you, clearly, when these things were unfolding... 

There have been two other kinds of incidents. One is joking about consent during sex, which only happened once but made me uncomfortable at the time (expressed my discomfort) and much more uncomfortable after the fact when I had time to think it over alone and examine it alongside the few murky-consent incidents we'd had. 

And the other has been a few times that I've been sick or under the weather and said that I am not feeling up to sex, and he's pressured me into it, basically not taking "No, I don't feel well and I'm not in the mood" for an answer (continuing to undress me, undressing himself, lying on top of me, and so on from there) so that I would either have to give in or I'd have to make a big scene to fully communicate the seriousness of the situation, and I've given in. He's also kept going (for - edited: what feels like several minutes until orgasming, definitely several deep thrusts and not a hasty wrap-up and pull out, but maybe only a minute or two now that I realize I don't know what several minutes during sex feels like?) the time or two I've gotten injured during sex (vaginal tears or major cervix bumps, both of which REALLY hurt... so in those instances, though he knew I was hurt and wanted to stop as soon as possible, he decided to keep on going and then congratulated me for being a "good sport." Yeah, definitely wanted to kick him out of bed. 

So, I am posting because I don't know how to think about these things and the discomfort they make me feel and how to square these things with how genuinely amazing he is the rest of the time: in every other setting and situation, and almost every sex situation. These incidents comprise a tiny tiny fraction of a percentage of our sexual experiences together, but they needle me. 


Edited to add: In at least a few past relationships, he's definitely been into Dom/Sub stuff (him being, he's said, very dominant), but we haven't dabbled much in that since it's not a turn-on for me, and it's kind of beside the point. What was OK and maybe very mutually agreeable in those relationships doesn't say anything about what flies and doesn't in other sexual relationships. 

Comments

[darkenedminds.livejournal.com]

Many of the things you describe are what I absolutely consider crossing the line. Using his size/power to enter you without protection on a day when you want/need it (up to a minute or two???)? Definitely a problem. Continuing to thrust when sex starts to hurt (for several MINUTES?????i'd toss off my SO of many years if there is any more than an extra two or three slow down thrusts when I tell him to stop)?

He is a graduate student. He presumably has brains in his head and ears that can listen to you. PLEASE assert yourself and assert that these sorts of behavior are NOT ok. Please assert that this is his final warning. If it were me, I might be willing to assume he was just dense and had a misogynistic streak flarup during these slippery moments, but after a stern talk..well, these actions would constitute rape. No means no. Stop means stop right now (not after you've had a few minutes to get your jollies).

Even if these are a tiny tiny fraction of your experiences, they happen(ed) and must stop if you are uncomfortable with it. If he continues, please don't hesitate to end the relationship because its only a "tiny tiny fraction".

[rikkitsune.livejournal.com]

Agreed. Just because these behaviours constitute a tiny, tiny fraction of the overall picture does NOT mean that they are insignificant or unimportant. Please do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You are not overreacting.