Inexplicable shame

[noblesandwich.livejournal.com]

When I was a kid I somehow got the notion into my head that my girl-parts were indescribably icky and gross. I wouldn't touch them, even to shower, so I'm pretty lucky I didn't develop some sort of infection, now that I think of it. If I put my hands between my legs, even while clothed, I washed them compulsively. 

I'm not sure why. I mean, my parents were never shaming or anything. I'm from Southern California, there were never any particularly creepy social messages I can think of. I didn't have generalized body image issues, and while I'm not the most gender-binary-conforming female bodied person out there, I'm mostly pretty in line with my bits. 

I don't have any issues with it anymore, or at least none that are really outstanding.

I guess I just wanted to know if this happened to anyone else, or what you guys' thoughts were. 

Comments

[fun-tabulous.livejournal.com]

I had the same feeling with orgasms. I had my first one when I was nine and felt "inexplicable shame" as well. I also compulsively prayed for forgiveness after each one. I remember feeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame over it for years, up until I was around 12 or so and figured out what was really going on. I thought I was going to hell (interestingly, I didn't even believe in heaven, hell, or god, ever, except for this occasion). I was never brought up to believe it was dirty or shameful in any way! In fact, my parents were hippie types who thought sex was natural and beautiful.

Do you have some kind of OCD? You mention washing your hands compulsively. I wonder if maybe this is just a way it is manifesting. It often involves guilt. I do, and now I know that's probably why that happened to me.

I'm glad to hear you don't have any issues with it anymore, OP.

[wyldlittlepoet.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read My Mother/Myself by Nancy Friday? It's a bit outdated but still an interesting read. Anyway, in it, she says that a lot of little girls develop this idea that their vulva/vagina, urethra and anus are all connected in some way, and that the same sense of shame that they have attached to those bits becomes transferred to the vulva. It sound kind of far-fetched, but I dunno-- maybe there's something to it?

[makale-83.livejournal.com]

Had the same deal until I started having sex, and realized that this thing wasn't bad but good and that people thought it was beautiful. I am really lucky to have married my hubby who has pretty much made my self worry/hatred about my girly bits almost completely disappear. It also helped working in the medical field and realizing that the scent I have down there is NOT bad at all, but quite normal and that most women have some kind of "eep is this normal?" feeling about themselves.

[the-jarretts.livejournal.com]

i totally feel what you're saying. even if now, as an adult, i love my body, i love having sex (with others and myself ;), and i have a developed understanding of how sexism shapes dominant western culture in ways that make women and girls ashamed of their bodies and sexualities...still i can't deny how deep and powerful the messages many of us received when we were young, and how much effort it takes on a daily basis to try and 'unlearn' or even pinpoint where those feelings came from. when i look back into my past, i can remember snippets of experiences from family, school, tv, friends, crushes, religious messages that instilled some kind of guilt, shame or bad feelings about myself as a sexual person. and even those memory snippets are fuzzy.

anyway, just wanted to say that there isn't anything wrong with you for feeling shame as a child (what's wrong is the environment that made you feel that way), and you're not alone. these sexist messages against women/girls are so normalized in our societies. in my experience, women who have experiences like this are not any less strong, healthy or capable.

[theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com]

I was like that too, although I don't quite know why either. I even had it a bit as a young teen; I rememeber first experimenting with masturbation with a baby wipe between my body and my hand.

I got over it too, although I don't know how that happened either. Seems just a stage of growing up for some of us, I guess.

[mystofthestars.livejournal.com]

I remember that when I began to be old enough to wash myself on my own I had the same feeling... It didn't have to do anything with sex since I was just a kid, nor with anything my parents said, as far as I can think of, but I remember thinking that it felt really gross to me to have to wash my girl parts. I don't think it lasted long, but I do remember that very idea of putting my hands down there seemed horrible to me, at the beginning. I think it really had something to do with the fact that all I associated with my parts "down there" were pee and poop, ahah, so probably the book mentioned in the previous comment has a point on this topic.

[gryphonwing.livejournal.com]

I was like that too, for many many years. My parents weren't overly body-shaming but they weren't body-positive either, and our society has PLENTY of messages about that stuff that we can absorb pretty easily as kids.

[cloudsinvenice]

I think an absence of ANY messages can amount to almost the same thing as a negative message, in terms of its emotional effect - you might not have been hearing "your body parts are disgusting!", but if you didn't instead here "your body parts are normal/natural/part of being you", it can feel like this taboo thing that goes unremarked because it's unsavoury...

[lady-borg.livejournal.com]

It's very normal. Female genitalia is very taboo is most western cultures. A lot of women know almost nothing about their bodies because its apparently bad to talk about or acknowledge.