is it normal for intercourse to be painful at first?

[chipie.livejournal.com]

Where do you all stand on the should-intercourse-be-painful-at-first debate?  (A debate that may or may not only exist in my head.)

I've always believed that there was no reason why first-time intercourse would be painful.  Especially if you've been sexually active before, use lots of lube, are turned on, have no problems with tampons or fingers, etc.

But that's what I did when I first started having intercourse, and it was still really painful.  Since then, over the course of one year or so, I've probably had/attempted intercourse about 20 times, maybe more.  The pain I've been having basically feels like there just isn't enough room in my vagina, if that makes sense.  Nothing seems to help it and it hasn't gotten better with time.

I've now given up (temporarily, I hope) because I don't think it should be this painful, and I don't like birth control.  But I also wonder if the pain was normal.  Maybe if I had just kept going it would eventually have gone away?

What do you all think?  It is normal for intercourse to be painful the first few/many times?  Or does that signal a problem? 

(I am going to see a doctor about it anyway, but I'm just wondering what the consensus is on this.  My friends are really divided, and I'm confused!)

Comments

[chipie.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful reply! Your suggestions are very helpful and it's so nice to hear from someone whose worked through this. Especially when I was feeling ready to give up completely, I'm feeling less discouraged now.

I have talked to my boyfriend about it, a lot. He's been very helpful and patient, although he's perfectly content without intercourse (which is nice) and, to a certain extent, doesn't really understand why I've become so focused on intercourse even though it's painful. We were sexually active for years without having intercourse so he feels like our sex life is the same as it always was, but I keep thinking about how my body is not cooperative and I get frustrated. So there's a bit of a disconnect there. But we are regularly talking about it which is a start. I think I will show him your post/talk about your suggestions, which should be helpful and get the conversation towards what we can do instead of what we can't do (which is what I usually talk about, I think).

I'm really glad you came to the conclusion that repeating intercourse again and again wasn't the solution. That's been my feeling all along, but then I wondered if I just hadn't given it a fair try.

It seem like you and your girlfriend have really taken your time to work through all this. I didn't realize it until I read your comment, but I'm feeling really rushed about it, like "we need to be able to have intercourse right now immediately!", which is ridiculous. So I think I really need to give myself permission to take it slower.

Thanks so much!

[smckeown.livejournal.com]

Well, we started with a little bit more of a rush to it, since once we decided that was something we were ready for we both wanted to get to it and give it a try... only to find out that we were going to have to go at a pace that worked, instead of the pace we wanted to work. Sex can be a complicated thing, and impatience tends to make it more complicated rather than less. The belief that somehow we were "owed" this because we wanted it to work just was a poor way to work through the actual reality of the situation, we both had to learn a lot of patience and go slowly, build trust and not get discouraged by the fact that we couldn't just snap our fingers and it would work.

You really do need to give yourself permission to go however slow it takes until it works, because your body is going to need that whether you give it that permission or not, and forcing quickly what has to be worked towards slowly will actually make things worse, not better. In our case at least we both had things to work through - I had to unlearn all of my previous sexual experience and really accept that I had to learn everything new from the beginning all over again if this was to work, and she had to learn to get over her nervousness and anxieties that came with being a late-blooming virgin who had previously only been treated poorly by men and learn to trust that maybe this one was okay. :)

Feel free to contact me privately off-list if you think it can be of any benefit to you or your boyfriend.