What to do about sex drive mismatch?

[io2012.livejournal.com]

I thought this would be a great open response question for the ladies in this community. I know there must be some of you out there that are like me! So I am totally in love with/devoted to my current partner. He's very sensitive, caring, and takes the time to make sure we BOTH enjoy our sexual encounters. That being said, those encounters are....less frequent than I would like. He used to get upset if I would "pester" him for sex too frequently, but we've had the "I have needs, please respect them" discussion and he's improved. Now, if I approach him about sex, he's typically willing to engage (and always seems to enjoy himself).

The punchline? If I waited for him to initiate, we might be abstinent for a loooonnnggg (weeks) time. And I would be going crazy, but I love the idea of having him "ask for it" once in a while! Suggestions? 

Comments

[rojarabbits.livejournal.com]

I flat out told my boyfriend "I'm tired of always initiating. For the next month if you want sex at all you hate to initiate. Past that point, we'll see how it goes, if you can keep up doing it at least half the time". In the past I've complained but never was so assertive. My boyfriend is the kind of guy who is still shy even though we've been together for a year (and worked together for two years prior) so I've learned that being passive aggressive gets me nowhere. Also, much like your boyfriend, I have a higher sex drive so I'd prefer he initiate so that I'm assured he's in the mood; you may want to throw that in there too.

in any event, I wish you luck :]

[staryfox6.livejournal.com]

Have you tried dressing sexy in a sneaky way? I too have a higher sex drive than my partner, but I know if I want him to beg for it, I need to put in a little leg work as well... Pun intended!
I will make dinner in a light flirty dress, apron, heels, and the casual flash of a pair of thigh highs. Thigh highs drive him wild! Sometimes I unbutton my dress shirt and wear a black lacy bra underneath just barely showing, hike up my pencil skirt to fix a nonexistent problem in my thigh highs... Letting a little garter show.
It all about presentation. If you are too pushy, it can feel pressured and not romantic for either partner.
Just think of yourself as a merry widow secret agent and you must coyly trap your pray.
Find out his fantasy and be it.
I know it's not as easy as a man with a super high sex drive, but if you love him like you say you do, the work will be worth it.
Good luck and have fun!

[tigana33.livejournal.com]

I was in one of those relationships similar to how you describe yours. It just never worked, after many years of frustration, feeling rejected, feeling like the onus always had to be on me, trying to do sexy things or whatever to make him more interested made me eventually very resentful and pissed. I realized no matter what gymnastics I did or did not do (how I looked, what we talked about, if I waited for him, if I initiated or not) it never was going to be the right fit. Dressing sexy in a sneaky way never did anything but make me annoyed that I took the trouble to try, and he could always seem to ignore it. Why is the effort always on the person who wants sex? i felt like, why can't he make some effort too?
Others have I assume successfully worked through something like this, I have not. Looking back, I now know this is a deal breaker, for me. Particularly if in addition to no sex, he is less sexual, warm, cuddly, etc. I need someone who needs a similar amount of affection as me.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

"Why is the effort always on the person who wants sex?"

Well, because they are the one who wants sex! I mean, I like chocolate chip cookies, and my honey doesn't. So I'm the one who bakes them, KWIM? And sure, it's nice if he picks me up a cookie to nom every now and then, but I wouldn't expect him to bake me a batch o' cookies every week.

Of course none of this means that it shouldn't be a deal breaker, etc.

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

Are you expecting him to initiate sex when he's not horny?

[io2012.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure? That's a good question. I guess I'm just always horny, so I haven't thought what it would be like to initiate sex if I wasn't.

On the other hand - the dressing up cute, etc to MAKE him horny kind of goes against my personality. I mean, I'm not sure how I feel about purposely objectifying myself for him. We have a mature relationship that's not particularly predicated on physical appearances.

hm. Maybe....sexting during the day or something like that?

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

He's the only one who would know if there's anything you could do to get him horny when he's not already there. Have you asked him about that?

[angilla.livejournal.com]

For me, making him horny isn't about doing things with my physical appearance. It's more about... well, "accidentally" touching him in places that "happen" to turn him on. Oops? I know he loves it when I gently caress his balls, for example. So we'll be laying in bed, my hands will happen to brush there, and then carry on rubbing his chest and such, then happen to brush there. Eventually, they happen to hang around there, while I "non-chalantly" "happen" to gently rub his balls. And it just all goes from there. He can't resist it.

*evil grin*

Poor boy. He can roll over to try to sleep, go ahead, I have access between your legs mister, I can find ball skin to rub somewhere! Or if not, I cuddle up against him. And I "guess" my boobies "accidentally" press up against him so he can feel my nipples. But really, I was "only" getting comfortable and cuddling!

Point being, maybe if you know what turns him on, you can get him horny so he'll want it. Because if he doesn't want it, he's not going to initiate it.

[angilla.livejournal.com]

And, yes, sexting during the day would work, if that's what you and he are into. I know my mom used to call my dad alllll day long at work, telling him sexy things, then she'd call him on the train doing the same. Then he'd get home all riled up but, haha I-the-kid was there, he had to wait til after I was asleep. Then he'd finally get to tackle my mom after I was snoring. LOL.

[caligogreywings.livejournal.com]

I'm on the opposite end of that. I can go weeks without wanting it. My husband hates to ask all the time, and wishes I would initiate now and then. it's hard for me though, and I can't explain why.

[jesusnachos.livejournal.com]

is your man on any antidepressants or other drugs? that could be the reason for his low drive. maybe he has repressed sexual issues from his past or childhood?

i was with a guy who took antidepressants and it really did a number on his sex drive. and it was also harder for him to orgasm, he had to 'focus' as he told me, lol. one thing i did with this guy was force him to euh, finger me at night even if he didnt want to have full sex. maybe ask your guy to do this to you

[io2012.livejournal.com]

A good suggestion about meds/childhood issues. The childhood issues are probably there, yes. But we both came from families where sex was shameful/never discussed. I guess I just got over that better than he did? lol.

In terms of orgasm, etc he's ALWAYS able to orgasm (and usually pretty quickly if we're not careful!) and get turned on. That's not the issue - it's just that he never wants to START anything.

I think he may still be getting over the cultural stigma that women don't want/enjoy sex as much as men do, and he doesn't want to overwhelm me?

[indis-earfalas.livejournal.com]

It's great that you've had a chat about respecting each others needs, so I think that maybe the next step is to mention that you'd like him to initiate occasionally.

Don't put too much pressure on him though; 'cause coming from his side of it (and I was, at one point), it can get irritating as hell. I remember thinking, "Fine, we're having more sex, despite the fact that I'm fucking knackered most of the time and don't feel like it, and NOW YOU WANT ME TO COME ONTO YOU AS WELL??"

I also noticed in one of the replies you made to another comment, that you're not keen on dressing up and deliberately objectifying yourself to him. That's perfectly fine (and I completely agree with you!!) but you've talked about his improvement (in your original post) ... are you also improving in any area's?

I'm worried that this might come over as "be grateful for what you can get", because I really don't mean it that way!! BUUUUUT it's a tricky issue, isn't it? You do both have your individual needs, and you're both equally deserving of them.

[io2012.livejournal.com]

You make a good point about give and take. I have tried to decrease the amount that I ask for sex and be sensitive to his needs. For instance, if he has a long day at work and comes home with a headache or just a really "tired" look about him, I'll masturbate instead of initiate sex. I had been "bugging" him several times/week, but I've dropped it to once or twice. That definitely improved things, but we still have a ways to go in terms of matching sex drive.

I think he does want to have sex with me, but I always have to get things started by kissing/touching/etc. I am SO grateful for the other things in our relationship that this isn't the end all for me. However, we are pretty committed/monogamous, and I would like things to work on a physical level too!

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

There's probably not a whole lot you can "do" about it, except learn to live with it, quite frankly, and work with your partner to find ways of communicating about sex that leave you both feeling valued, satisfied, attractive, and loved. It sounds like you really are working on that, so I imagine you'll find a healthy place to land. I think it's important that you can feel comfortable asking for sex, and that he can feel comfortable declining. I think it would be really reasonable to suggest to him that you'd like him to initiate, and that he can do so at a time of his choosing (e.g. "do you think you could try to initiate once this month, even if you're not feeling particularly horny?") And I think a lot of the work around this (at least if I were in your shoes) would have to do with really GETTING the fact that his lack of libido is not a reflection on your sexiness or worth. Staying out of that emotionally charged place will help the two of you to work through this. :)

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

To clarify a little bit - you may never HAVE matching sex drives. The trick is realizing that that isn't necessarily a PROBLEM. Most people would be hard pressed to find someone whose drive matched theirs. So the question is, given that many relationship have a sex drive mis-match...is there a way that you can be mismatched, and still feel good about yourselves, your sex life, etc?

[io2012.livejournal.com]

I think this is a profound thought - and one I have come up with as I think about these things too. I feel secure in the fact that he is attracted to me in a deep, enduring way (read: I'm NOT worried that he's not interested in me because he is interested in someone else!), but sometimes I wish he would just want to grab me and rip my clothes off, ya know? ;-)

Of course, if I had to choose between the deep, enduring attraction and the bodice-ripping attraction....it'd be a no-brainer. So that's an important thing to keep in perspective! I guess I just had other expectations of a committed relationship. One more thing they never taught us in sex ed!

Just to clarify - I'm not worried about his ability to orgasm. That works just fine. It's just getting him to the point where he's *ahem* really wanting to get naked with me is sometimes challenging.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Yes...it is fun to have someone express that excitedness!

You might want to check out something by David Schnarch. He's a sex therapist that has a perspective on this sort of thing that is really healthy and non-pathologizing, IMO. He's written a number of "popular" books (e.g. for the general public) and I find his work really appealing.