Tips for "going for it"

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Hello, vagpag, hope you're all doing well. Gotta say, I always love the encouragement, support, and advice I read in this community; you all are so wonderful.

So I've got a request for some advice. My boyfriend and I are sexually active with one another. He's the only partner I've ever had, but I'm not the only partner he's ever had. We've been together for five months now, and I'm wanting to be a little more take-charge in the bedroom department. He's had quite a bit of experience when it comes to that, and I'm always very satisfied, but I'm wanting to reciprocate. In my head, I'm really good at fantasizing about all the things I'd love to do to him/with him, but when it comes to putting these things into practice, I freeze up. I know part of the issue is that I overthink everything, and I'm overthinking in this area too, but I find that if I don't think at all, I still have no idea what to do. It doesn't help that his two favorite positions are somewhat .... not mine (girl on top and him entering me from behind). But part of these two positions not being my favorite is that I have no idea what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to move, or even if I'm supposed to at all. Or if I'm on top and we're making out and things are leading to sex, I can tell he's waiting for me to do something, but I have no idea what that something is supposed to be. I don't know what I should be doing with my mouth, or my hands, or anything, so in the end I just end up sitting there staring at him expectantly. He's been very patient with me, and he's encouraged me to just do what feels natural, but nothing really does. To me, it all feels clumsy and awkward. I asked him yesterday, on a whim, if I could tie him up sometime, and he was agreeable to it, but then commented that I'd never actually do it. I agreed that he was probably right, actually, at least not for a while, and that was the end of that conversation. I read all these articles and things about positions and sex tips and what have you, and I always think "Yeah, that's a great idea, I should try it!" but when it comes down to me actually trying it, I feel silly.

Has anyone else every felt like this (I'm sure someone else has, it'll just be nice to hear it XD;)? What did you do to overcome it? Is part of the issue a communication issue? Should I be better at knowing what it is he likes or doesn't like by this point? What suggestions do you guys have for getting over this roadblock? Thanks in advance for all your help. :)

Comments

[fowo.livejournal.com]

I feel you there! I'm absolutely sexually awkward and shy when it comes to getting started. I'm still learning how to do things, and my boy is very patient with me, which I am thankful for.
I noticed it helps me when he tells me what he likes, it encourages me to do it again, and without him having to tell me next time. Also because I really like doing this, just because I like watching him so much.
I mean, you DO like touching him and all, right?
And I think if you really like the thought of tying him up, you should definitely do so! Maybe it will make you feel a little less better that while you have control over him, he can't, well, go ahead and do his thing and distract you and make you feel awkward or something.
Well, I'd say, have him say what he likes, if he's more experienced then you he should know this, and with his help, maybe you can get a little less unsecure.
Good luck!

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I don't mind touching him -- I love touching him. I think I will have to ask him what he likes and whatever, though usually when I try to, he comes off a little like he wants me to figure it out for myself? Though I think it's a matter of different learning styles than anything (figuring it out for himself works for him -- not so much for me ^^;). Thanks for the suggestion. Glad to know I'm not the only one out there feeling like this. XD

[fowo.livejournal.com]

I think it's very important to share what is good and what not. I guess most things DO feel good, but what is better and what not is definitely a matter of sharing if you can't read each other's minds or something. That's actually my problem, while he has no problem with sharing what he feels, I often feel too awkward to go like, "Oh yeah, that was nice, do that again!" because I feel stupid saying so, haha.
And after all, I guess it's a matter of experience after all. Most things come naturally over time. (I guess. It's not like I've been sexually active for long, so I'm probably not the person to talk...)

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah, I think I'd feel silly too, saying, "that felt good, do it again." XD; Oh, us and our silly hangups. XD

[fowo.livejournal.com]

Totally, because I know how much *I* like it when he tells me what *he* likes. Why the hell don't I say it then, because I guess it'd be the same for him? Silly shyness, silly!

[eavanmoore.livejournal.com]

Yep. :-)

[urbanxassault.livejournal.com]

Just for clarification, one of his favorite positions is the girl being on top. So have you tried this? Because that position by nature has the girl in charge, so I'm just a little confused. Is it that you get on top but he does all the work?

My advice is to just try small things first. Even if you're just taking charge during foreplay. You could push him into the couch/bed and climb on top of him and make out with him. Or even tell him what to do when he's on top/in charge. That way you're taking control in a small way and will get used to it, and then can work up to the other stuff.

Also, sex is definitely not as glamorous as a lot of people think. Goofy stuff happens and you just have to laugh at it and keep going. (For example, one time I rolled my boyfriend over to get on top(trying to take charge) and ended up kicking him in the dick with my foot hahah. But the sex was still great because I didn't dwell on that!)

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

We pretty much spend 60% of our sex with me on top, If he realizes it just isn't working, we'll switch. The reason I don't like it is because it puts me in charge. I've had heavy petting sessions and whatnot with other guys, but they've all been much more take-charge than me, and it's actually what I prefer most of the time. I guess the problem is that my guy is a lot like me in this sense and prefers to have the other person take charge. When I'm on top I'm just like, "Well, now what?" and then it does end up with him doing all the work. :x

As far as foreplay goes .... I feel like it gets less and less. I feel like I need hours of foreplay, but I don't even know what we would do. When I told him how I felt, he told me, "Well, you need to keep me into it for that long." Which, I guess means I'm pretty boring? I don't know. I don't want to be boring, I just have absolutely no clue what to do. The one thing I want to try with him he's totally not into (oral sex -- which weirds me out because I've never met a guy who didn't like oral sex, though I guess everyone's different). Sadly, it's the one thing I feel I'd be really good at. :/

[urbanxassault.livejournal.com]

I would try talking to him about all of this, if you voice your concerns he at least knows you're trying. Have you asked him to try oral with you? You could explain to him that you want to try it. Maybe if he is okay with that, you'd be more willing to do what he wants? Also you could try 69ing on your side so that you're both getting stimulation and that way it's not one person doing all the work. Also that way not all of the attention is on you, it's mutual.

When you're on top, does it not work because you don't physically know how move, or because you're too nervous to?

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Well, he's just not turned on by the thought of oral sex in any way. I've told him I'd love to go down on him, and he's just like "eh." And he's grossed out by the idea of giving oral to me so, I guess that's a no-go. ^^; I don't really mind if he doesn't give me oral -- I don't want to force him to do anything he's not comfortable with, but it's still so surprising to me that he's not into receiving it. 8D;

As far as me being on top, it's a bit of both. I know how to move so that it feels good for me, but I don't want to just focus on me. I try to move in a similar fashion to the way he moves, but then he tells me I'm moving too much, so I'm just so unsure of what I'm supposed to do. :x

[urbanxassault.livejournal.com]

Yeah I'm always surprised to hear of guys that aren't into oral, but they're definitely out there! This website has a bunch of animated sex positions so maybe it will help you in terms of how to actually move. A lot of them are really complicated but they do have the "normal" ones too. Here's a link to the Cowgirl sex position (http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_cowgirl.shtml) NSFW I hope this helps!

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Hm, that's actually a pretty helpful site. Thanks! :)

[rojarabbits.livejournal.com]

I think it's totally normal to feel shy at first. I was in the same position you were (he was my first and at times I was left confused on what to do). I think my best piece of advice would be to do what feels right. If you put yourself in a situation that isn't comfortable for you, you're going to wind up feeling awkward, rather than sexy (been there, done that!). Maybe start slow-- while you're making out undo his zipper, start rubbing him through his pants/underwear, etc...small things. You don't have to go from shy to dominatrix overnight lol It will eventually feel more natural.
Also asking what he likes, for feedback, etc can help

I hope this is somewhat helpful. Sorry it's so long!

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I definitely take things as slowly as I feel comfortable with, but I think the routine is starting to get boring for both of us. I want to try other things, I just don't know how to go about it. Perhaps it is partly just going for it, and whatever happens happens, but I'm my own worst critic, so it's hard to not hear negative feedback if I don't do something the way I want to. ^^;

But I will keep talking to him about it and see what sort of feedback I can get.

[rojarabbits.livejournal.com]

good luck! and just remember to enjoy ;)

[gettingdistant.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you, but I do want you to know that you're not alone. After 4.5 years, I still feel this way! And I feel so stupid for feeling this way, but I just can't seem to get past it. I definitely am a lot better than I was in the beginning, but I still feel silly trying new positions.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's a relief. :) But you guys are still together, so something must be working for the both of you. ;) I'm sure it'll get better for the two of us as well; it's just a matter of patience. Thanks. :)

[agata.livejournal.com]

I've been having sex for 10 years now, and just to let you know, sex is awkward! :) This past year, after the intercourse, I stood up and began peeing, ON the floor (I couldn't stop! And thankfully it was wood and not carpet!). It turned out that I had a UTI! My boyfriend and I just cleaned it up and went to the walk-in-clinic after. :) It really wasn't a big deal.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Well, it's good to know that I'm not the only one for whom sex is awkward. XD

[neek-love.livejournal.com]

Seconding this! Not the peeing, but the general awkward :) lately I've been really prone to leg cramps, so we'll be in a position going at it and suddenly 'ahhh! Cramp cramp CRAMP!' and I've gotta disengage and limp around the bedroom until it settles while my bf laughs at me :p awkward? Yup! The nature of the beast :) once I'm better we're right back into it. Gotta learn to take it in your stride :D

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Haha, yes! This happens to me all the time. I'm constantly getting hip cramps, and I'm always asking him to pause so I can stretch it out. XD

[cellar-closet.livejournal.com]

I used to be the same way when I was first venturing into sexual activity. I think everyone for the most part has these moments, no matter how experienced they might be.

First off, sex should be fun! Don't be afraid to be silly or laugh with each other during sex. Seriously, once I farted while my husband was behind me and we had to stop because I couldn't stop laughing. I was slightly embarrassed, but bodies do stuff like that, so it's perfectly okay. :P Knowing that sex doesn't have to be perfect and that there's no "normal" when it comes to sex really helped me feel less awkward and took some pressure off.

But I digress... lol. Girl on top and doggy-style are a few of my favorite positions. Let's see if I can explain some things that might make it easier for you. First off, if you've ever watched porn and seen girl on top, don't pay any attention to it. You don't have to have legs of steel in order to enjoy this position, or to make it feel great for him. What I usually do is straddle him and tuck my feet under his upper legs to ground myself, and then I rock back and forth with my hips. It's a lot easier than going up and down and wearing your quads out, and my husband loves it. You can also make figure-8 motions with your hips this way too. Another thing you can do is to lower yourself on him and lean forward while moving your hips up and down, side to side, etc. I'll think of more ways to explain in my next post so this isn't long as hell.

As for him being behind you, my husband generally takes the lead with this position but there are things you can do to become more involved. What I usually do is let him grab my hips and control most of the thrusting, but I also push my butt back into his body when he thrusts forward to sort of... help with the motion. Basically, I thrust back when he thrusts forward, and we rock together that way. There's also the position where you lay flat on your belly with your legs together and he enters you from behind that way, and that's usually a position in which he does most of the work. :) Hope this helps, let me know if you want me to explain anymore girl on top positions.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

That was actually very helpful; I might have to try this. I think I have been trying to have legs of steel with an up and down sort of motion -- it definitely wears my legs out. I feel like, though, with just a rocking motion, it won't do much for him because there's not too much going on inside? Though I guess it would probably be more like a pulsing sensation for him.

I've tried leaning forward, but that's usually how I get told I'm moving too much, so then I just end up leaning forward while he does the work. ^^;

Well, for me, I don't get much stimulation vaginally. When he's behind me, it really just feels like movement and not much else. I can ask him to use his hand when we're in that position, but the only two times we've tried it I just felt so uncomfortable that the question just stayed put. I'll have to bring it up with him.

If you have any more tips for girl on top though that'd be great. I really want to be able to make him feel good too, and not feel so self-conscious or clueless. I really appreciate the advice/suggestions. :)

[cellar-closet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I hear ya. Sometimes it feels like he's not getting much movement when I rock back and forth, but my husband always says he is. Everyone's different, though. If you want to add more movement, you can thrust your hips forward a little further and faster, that usually does the trick as well, and that's why tucking my feet under his legs helps so much, it keeps me balanced and keeps the rest of me still so my hips are free to go nuts. You can control the speed and weight as well.

You can also try reverse girl on top too, if you'd like. I know that some people are less comfortable with this position because you can feel a little more exposed, so it has a lot to do with your comfort level. You straddle him facing away from him, again, you can tuck your feet under him if it helps to let your hips move more freely without making you topple over, or you can lean forward, grab his knees and thrust your hips back and forth that way.

If you do want to keep trying the up and down motion like you see in a lot of porn, you can ask him to help you with the thrusting by grabbing your waist or hips and lifting you while you're going up to take some strain away from your legs.

A lot of people with vaginas have a hard time feeling pleasurable sensation with just penetration alone, so that's perfectly normal. If you're into vibrators, you could use one on yourself as you're having sex to make it more pleasurable. I know it can be difficult for your partner to stimulate you with his hand when you're having sex, especially when he needs to reach around your body.

Just keep talking to each other, and be patient. Communication is very important, and there's nothing wrong with speaking up when you're feeling awkward or something isn't doing anything for you. Neither of you are doing anything wrong at all, it's all a learning process to find out what works for you.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This was very encouraging. :)

[fowo.livejournal.com]

I just want to add, whenever I'm on top my legs get tired really fast, too, I mostly do it because my boy likes it so much. And because I like him on top more, we usually switch after a while, when I'm out of energy. I like it this way.
Maybe you can ask him if he'd be okay with switching in the middle of it. :3

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

We do switch in the middle of it sometimes. If I'm getting tired, I don't mind letting him know and asking if we can switch. :)

[mandy.livejournal.com]

There's a lot of good pointers from cellar_closet for girl-on-top that I follow as well after learning that straight up and down movement = no go since it would make my knees/legs collapse lol. The leg tucking is spot on, and the back and forth movements are a big plus with the BF too. Figure-8 motion is something I have yet to try, but sounds intriguing...will have to keep that in mind.

I also want to add for the OP that combined movement (you+him) for this position can be a real treat and fun; I speak from personal experience that when my BF and I attempt this position we kinda alternate and work together with back and forth movements. And when I get tired, and we don't necessarily want to stop, he takes over for a time. And an added bonus? If you like fondling/nipple play and your partner doesn't necessarily engage in anything like that during missionary (I'm assuming this is your basic position...it's mine too and it's still awesome) girl-on-top is -perfect- for this. You'll get both worlds mixed together ;)

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

He's not really a boob guy either. You know, it's so weird, because through all of this I'm beginning to wonder just what it is he is into. Now I really feel the need to talk to him and figure it out. XD

[mandy.livejournal.com]

Communication is always good between the both of you, and if you personally are not 100% sure on what you def. like then that's totally fine...you'll learn and discover as time goes on :)

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah. Thanks so much for everything. :)

[kr3851.livejournal.com]

Something a little less 'dominating' than tying him up is simply holding his wrists above his head, or next to his head. when he tries to get up to kiss you, just say 'don't move'. Then you can lick and suck and kiss your way around his neck and chest, always telling him not to move if he tries. You build anticipation for yourself as well as him, you're on top so that's what he likes, and the best bit for me is that you prolong genital touching for as long as possible (I'm quite sensitive). It gives me a chance to work him into a tizz by constantly avoiding his penis, but also going so so close to it that he thinks I will, but then I don't and it drives him absolutely crazy in the best way. Drives me a bit crazy too!!

Sometimes I do that, and sometimes I go straight for it. He never knows what to expect...

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Haha, this sounds like a great idea. I might have to try this. :)

[magicalsibylle.livejournal.com]

Some really good advice in the comments above :) Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus - sex is hardly glamorous. It's sweaty and it's bodies and it's funny sounds, the best advice anybody can give you is to do what feels good and ask him what feels good so you can do it again. Communication is key but I feel that an element of surprise can also add some spice to the bedroom, definitely.

Here's an idea off the top of my head - have you tried blindfolding? :) Good luck!

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Not yet, but I might work my way up to it. :)

[amandamariereed.livejournal.com]

I used to have this issue until my current boyfriend of almost 11 months. To be honest, and this may be embarassing/awkward for you, but try watching some porn. If guy/girl seems too much girl/girl may be better... It may help you become more comfortable with everything.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

I've actually suggested that, but we'd have a better chance actually renting something than trying to watch it online. On top of that, I think it'd be a little awkward, since we both live with roommates and are hardly ever in an empty house. D:

[http://users.livejournal.com/_forcemajeure_/]

have you tried having sex from behind while standing up? I'm not a huge fan of from behind if I'm on my hands and knees, but I really enjoy it when we're standing and I'm facing a wall or desk or anything to hang on to.

also I like tying the guy up and then giving him a slow massage with coconut oil, and purposely avoiding touching his penis (but tease him by getting very close). I usually go into girl on top from there, but you could untie him and just see what his response is.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_forcemajeure_/]

oh adding a blindfold with the tying up and massage is good for this too, because it enhances the sense of touch.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

We have tried standing, but I'm so much shorter than he is that it probably wouldn't work unless I was elevated up on something. Because of the height difference, it's just ended with me bending forward/on hands and knees.

Maybe I'll try the massage sometime. 8)

[stormbringer986.livejournal.com]

You're definitely not the only one who feels like this, trust me. In fact, I could have written this post too. And for your question about "Should I be better at knowing by this point", not necessarily. You shouldn't put a timeline on something like that because it's just added stress to something that's already bothering you. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I still feel all awkward and weird about this kind of thing.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Oh good. I'm glad I'm just not a total failure at relationships and sex. XD I guess it's more a thing of patience than anything else. :)

[decimos.livejournal.com]

just want to chime in that you're not alone and I also feel this way about sex :) and I have with both of the 2 partners I've been with. it gets sort of frustrating because I am a nympho at heart.

for me though, it's not an issue of "how do I do this?" but "how do I do this in a sexy & appealing way?" I know I can touch him and he will get hard. and I could just get on top of him and put him inside. but I want to be sexy while I do and make him want me. I'm sure I could theoretically do that too but I don't have the confidence, which I think is the most important thing about all this! (for me anyway) I mean both my partners made it very clear that I should just go for it when I want to, but I still can't seem to get up the courage, it seems silly.

but the point is, I empathize.

a note about girl-on-top: I used to feel way uncomfortable being on top too because I don't like to be in the lead too much and I would often mess up w/ moving too much and him slipping out. but I found that the more time I spent up there, the more comfortable I got with just moving how I wanted to and seeing how he responded. eventually I realized that he is not even paying attention to what I look like while doing it. if he really doesn't want to tell you verbally what he does like, you can usually tell by his faces and noises and breathing. I assume this is how my partners have been able to tell what I like, too, since I also never say anything.

oh + maybe you could try using your own hand for stimulation. i always forget that this is an option haha.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

This. Everything about this. Feeling/looking sexy is also a concern for me. I'm much better at feeling sexy when I'm alone XD but when trying it for another person it's like now I suddenly have an audience for a performance I've never gotten feedback on. It's quite nerve-wracking. But confidence is key, and I'm sure I'll build it the more I practice. :)

The thought of using my own hand during sex sort of weirds me out. I feel like I'd be having two separate experiences at the same time. 8D;

[jmnstars.livejournal.com]

Using your own hand might weird you out, but I bet it turns your guy on. I know it turns my husband on when I use my hand to stimulate myself while we are having sex.

[fushigi-na-chou.livejournal.com]

Huh. I'll have to consider this then. :o

[jenn-girl.livejournal.com]

I've been sexually active for over half my life. Sex is silly. And it is fun. They key seems to be getting over the idea that it is all "sexy" like in movies, and going with what you like to do. As for figuring out what you like- trial and error, lots of communication, and a willingness to laugh at yourself when it goes very different from expectations all seem to help.